« | Home | »

Make up your own title. I’m too lazy.

I can’t top last year’s Valentine’s Day post and since I still feel the same way, I’ll just be lazy and link to it. :-)

I’ve been thinking on the comments that are still coming in on the last post. MJ’s slave said that I have the best discussions, but the truth is, without all of you taking the time to comment and participate, I’d just be talking to the wall. So thank you for speaking up.

It can be hard for me to reply to the comments all the time. I don’t think I need to explain all about time and chores and other responsibilities and such. We all understand that life isn’t lived here at the monitor (cuz if I did, my ass would be blistered. Which, really, is awfully tempting considering the current dry spell. Oh resist the temptation, self. Master is not appreciative of that sort of manipulation!)

Anyway, so one of the things that I really love about all of you is that you don’t wait for me to carry on the discussion. You respond to other comments and you seem to be wonderfully polite in disagreeing when you need to. Most of you don’t seem to mind that you’re using “my place” to talk without me. I love that. Sometimes, especially on LJ, I’d get a comment apologizing for monopolizing “my place” to carry on a comment-discussion, but I never cared about it. I always read, and even if I can’t participate, I still feel involved just by reading.

So! Since I can’t give each comment it’s proper reply, I’m going to pull some stuff out here that I think bears further thought. It all deserves more attention but take that up with the Boss Man. Y’all are far enough away that you can do that in relative safety. ;)

Admittedly without all of the background information on a couple, it’s impossible to make a determined judgment on the questions I asked. I agree that for some, it is simply going to be a matter of time and experience, and that in the initial stages of just getting your feet wet with the whole D/s dynamic, mistakes will pile upon mistakes. I think those of us who make it out on the other side expect those mistakes to happen and don’t see a mistake as the closing chapter. When it merely becomes another learning opportunity, your chances for success rise exponentially.

Maybe it just comes with age or wisdom, the realization that nothing in life is easy, and if you want something bad enough, you fight for it. I do think that Doms and subs alike step into this relationship with stars in their eyes, and visions of floggers and blow jobs dancing in their heads, find out that it rarely works that way, or if it does it’s accompanied by many periods of crap, give up and move on to the next “my O/one” who sounds so perfect on MSN, only to find the exact same problems following them from relationship to relationship.

The grass may always look greener on the other side, but those of us who fell for that generally found out that it’s only greener because it has shit smeared in it.

Though that in itself can be a tight line to walk too. At exactly what point DO you give up on a relationship that is not meeting your needs?

Some days, I am so incredibly grateful to have Master.

I’m getting sidetracked.

One comment contained a quote from luna_lux that made me think. She said: “i read something a while ago about the difference between “agreement” and “submission”. if i agree that everything that’s done to me is erotic and comfortable and makes me happy, then i am not submitting, i am *agreeing* to obey. i submit when i comply and obey and am forced to do things that i am not in agreement with. ”

That’s probably why there is a trend among submissives to begin to feel un-owned. To think that the leash has been let go when in truth nothing has changed. When the rules become commonplace and the service is routine and the play is repetitive… what was once edgy becomes standard.

ADL’s. Activities of Daily Living: The things we normally do in daily living including any daily activity we perform for self-care (such as feeding ourselves, bathing, dressing, grooming), work, homemaking, and leisure. The ability or inability to perform ADLs can be used as a very practical measure of ability/disability in many disorders. (from MedTerms.com)

ADS’s. Activities of Daily Submission: The things we normally do in daily living, including any daily activity we perform in service or worship (such as sexual favors, s&m participation, maid duties, serving) for our Owners. The ability or inability to perform ADS’s can be used as a practical measure of contentment/happiness in many submissives. (from me)

How often, and how quickly, do those ADS’s become that “agreeable, erotic, comfortable and make me happy” routine that fails to stimulate the submissive’s nature. The need and hunger and ache that attracted a submissive to submission in the first place? And how hard do they then start begging, asking and pushing for more? Desperate to feel this: “i submit when i comply and obey and am forced to do things that i am not in agreement with.”

Desperate to feel submission, and not simple agreement.

And how hard will a Dom fight that? Fighting the ever-popular ‘topping from the bottom’, resistant to giving a submissive what feeds her. Determined not to be manipulated or led or coerced into changing the rules he likes, unwilling to up the ante purely for the submissive’s sake.

Or maybe he is willing to placate her desires and lays down things he cares nothing about. A quick fix for a big problem, a rule list that not even SuperDom could police. The submissive becomes another full time job that he can’t keep up with, and worse, his disinterest creates doubt and fear in her, making the “reward” that he should get a non-existent prize.

What a negative and vicious cycle that is. And neither of them with any ill-intent at all, I’d bet. I can confidently say that because I’ve been in it. Been there, done that, got the t-shirt.

What’s the answer? Fuck if I know. Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe it is always this ever-changing cycle that sometimes feeds itself and sometimes feeds on you and sometimes starves away to nothingness. Maybe it is a forever quest for answers that don’t exist.

I know that I am currently in a period of “everything that’s done to me is erotic and comfortable and makes me happy”. I know that it’s wearing thin. I know that Master, currently, is pretty happy with this easy sort of submission and quiet service. I know that he does not expect, nor will he tolerate, any antics on my part to raise the bar. I know that I’m beginning to feel… empty and colorless.

I guess in some sick and twisted way, this comfortable and happy submission will turn hateful and black and difficult, which should then fit the bill of “submission” based on the definition of it being “forced to do things that i am not in agreement with”.

Except, no matter how much one tries, it never seems to work that way, does it?

*sigh*

This was so NOT what I set out to post. I had every intention of highlighting pieces of the previous comments that I wanted to discuss more, and instead I went off on a tangent. Now time is running out and I can’t even finish one thought at all.

Bah.

Well, maybe tomorrow.

~cunt

Tags: , ,

categories Uncategorized | kaya | datetime Thursday February 14th, 2008 11:53am

13 Responses to “Make up your own title. I’m too lazy.”

  1. Dakrish says:
    Thursday February 14th, 2008 at 12:45pm

    Hey!

    The comments weren’t working, but now they are… Oh well. :)

    I’d be really interested in your thoughts on last nights thread.

    On forcing, though:

    Rarely it happens that he needs to force me to do something, because we tend to agree a lot. He doesn’t have an interest of doing unnessecery things that serve no purpose than to show his dominance (however much I’d like him to, which DOES show his dominance).

    For example, dicipline and punishment doesn’t occur in our relationship. I’d like it to, but it doesn’t. He hasn’t got a want to dicipline me, because he thinks I should just change instead. His rules (preferances) are always stuff that are crucial for us to get along and for him to be happy. So naturally life punishes me for failing to stick to them, he doesn’t even need to bother.

    Sometime I wonder if what I do is voluntary submission. Is it vountary submission if NOT following his rules creates only misery and chaos? Is it voluntary submission to stand there and bite your tongue off when he wants pizza, four days before the paycheck and you haven’t got much money left? Is it voluntary submission if he fucks you when you have a migraine and it doesn’t even occur to you to say no? Is it voluntary sumbission when the thought of leaving gives you tummy aches and makes you want to gag? When you can’t consider not following his preferances in anything you do?

    I dunno. Until I do, I’ll just be property.

    Reply
  2. undertheboot says:
    Thursday February 14th, 2008 at 12:50pm

    I love the fact that you ramble worse than I do!

    Firstly….it was cute when I see such similarities between your Master and Big H…the shirts…the puppy dog eyes…all the cute things and mean things…then you got all dirty and I blushed LOL! Anyway….

    I said before that my opinion is that life is too short to be in an unfulfilling relationship. That doesn’t mean you throw the baby out with the bathwater though either.

    Complacency can indeed be a passion killer. Because PASSION is really what you are talking about. Passion, desire, need. The deepest need is the one you base in your description of “being made to do the things you don’t like.” That is what trips your passion button. The way being forced makes you feel…forcing you “down” into your place. It shakes things up. Pushes boundaries. Makes things different. Takes you out of the norm. It isn’t that doing the dishes or making the bed is any less of a submissive act…..its just the fact that it is boring, has no passion. If the sink was electrified and when you put your hands in it you got mildly zapped…tada…no longer boring…you would have to be forced to stick your hands in it. Its all relative.

    Now, that being said, that is part of the reason I choose sadistic dominants. I do NOT like pain. A little bit while fucking is fine…but in general…nope. I am NEVER going to like it when I lean in for a kiss and he decides to twist on the nipples. Never going to happen. Holding still and NOT covering them up means I am constantly forced to submit because he IS a sadist and likes being mean to the boobies. (newest facination is holding the nips between his knuckles and bounce/pounding them like one of those balloons on a string).

    No matter how bored and frustrated I get with the menial labor (he could pay a maid for this shit) or how comfortable I get with the cuddling on the couch stuff….the secret pinches, pokes, twists etc of a sadistic fucker never lets me forget. (no matter how often I sometimes get pissed off at them and mentally curse “God damn it that hurt mother fucker!”)

    Reply
  3. penguinskitty says:
    Thursday February 14th, 2008 at 1:08pm

    Happy Valentine’s Day, hun!

    Reply
  4. dweaver999 says:
    Thursday February 14th, 2008 at 7:04pm

    Kaya,

    I found this post very interesting and it has posed a question to me, one that I had a character in one of my stories asked. “What do you want most from your submission?” I suspect that the answer to that question, if I asked real people would have as many answers as people (My charactr answered, “to know that I have pleased my dominant”). Have you ever thought about what your answer would be to such a question, if such a question even makes sense for someone who, by their own description, doesn’t submit, but obeys?

    Oh and happy Valentine’s Day. Maybe Master can create a heart on your bum with one of his toys;)

    Dave

    Reply
  5. subtle-times says:
    Thursday February 14th, 2008 at 7:17pm

    Ummmmm…yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Everything you said got a big ‘Yes” from me!

    My line between agreement and submission is not so much set in concrete as it’s made from silly string. It moves about depending on my mood and whether I want to do something on a particular day or not.

    I guess in a nutshell if I want to do it, it ain’t submission to me. Maybe I need to go back and look up submission in the dictionary or something because from this point in time it’s going to mean ‘having to do something I don’t want to’ for me.

    k

    Reply
  6. Sinnamon says:
    Thursday February 14th, 2008 at 7:20pm

    LOL

    ADD much?

    Reply
  7. MJ's slave says:
    Thursday February 14th, 2008 at 9:33pm

    Happy Valentine’s Day, Beautiful!

    Reply
  8. magdalena says:
    Sunday February 17th, 2008 at 7:48pm

    I wonder if it isn’t submission maybe then it’s enslavement. I don’t feel sad that I want to do the things he asks me to do, I revel in it, less conflict, obedience, is it boring to please your owner? If having him push my edges was what defined me as a slave I wouldn’t by my own definition be a slave.

    That said, I do love the edge pushing. :)

    Reply
  9. What is required of a Master? « Zille Defeu’s fetish fantasies says:
    Wednesday February 20th, 2008 at 4:55am

    [...] February 20, 2008 · No Comments kaya, over in her journal, just put up a fascinating rambling muse on what a Master “has to” do. [...]

    Reply

Leave a Reply