“Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever.”
Last night I was watching some television show, one of those sappy, tear-jerking ones, one of those that makes you look at the blessings in your life with new eyes.
I sat there on the couch thinking about Master, about our relationship. Pondering, as I have for the last several months, the distance between us and wondering why we’re doing this to each other.
It’s been going on so much longer than this last bit of drama, though I don’t doubt it contributed to how easily I was prepared to toss it all away when that drama occured.
Oh I don’t question our love for each other. I believe that’s just as strong and solid as it always has been. But there is definitely something different than it used to be. There’s a gulf and sometimes I feel like we’re both standing on our “sides”, looking wistfully across at the other, with neither of us knowing how to bridge the gap.
I don’t know why. I don’t know when. I don’t know how it happened. I only know it has.
His fault, my fault, equally shared blame. Maybe it’s pride. Or stubborness. Maybe it’s a protective shell that is not protective so much as it’s isolating. Or, maybe I’m a flighty and stereotypical female who is being all emotional and overreactive to the normal ebb and flow of life and work and stress.
Whatever it is, I sat after the tv show ended, counting up the blessings in my life.
At the end of a long list of health and wealth and happiness was this one:
I am loved. I am in love.
I hopped off the couch and went to find Him, filled with a sudden desire to tell Him just that, to plead with Him to let’s stop pushing the other way, let’s recognize the absolute gift of having each other and loving each other and could we please close the distance between us. Just, please, could we.
But when I got to Him, I lost the words. I lost my nerve. Whatever stupid, wasteful, soul-sucking thing it is inside of me rose up and choked it off. I held Him and I kissed Him and when He asked what was up, I just shrugged and began to babble about something unimportant and insignificant.
I asked what movie He was watching.
“Wanted.” He replied. I nodded.
He followed that with “Something I wish I was.” And though His voice was playful, the message wasn’t.
And this is what we do, what we’ve been doing for months, both of us. Extending these bits, these olive branches, searching for, seeking reassurance. And neither of us ever respond as we should. We take it and use it as an opportunity to wound.
In reply, I snorted. “Yeah. Join the club.” and I stalked out the room, all of those good feelings, the wish to come closer, vanished.
I went back to the couch, blinking back tears. Angry, hot tears. Angry at myself, at Him.
And still left wondering why we are doing this to each other.
Later, He came to me and we hastened to reassure each other that we’re both wanted and loved and needed. But even as He speaks the words to me that hollow feeling remains. I’m pretty sure I see that same hollow look mirrored in His face.
This morning we made love, and once again the words stuck. Inside I’m screaming “Say it! Cry. Let Him see how you feel.” But outside - I smile. I nod. I make pleasantries. And I watch it all slip away.
I can’t let that happen anymore. I cannot stand back, hiding behind pride or stubborness and waste this gift that we’ve been given. I can’t and He can’t. How dare we thumb our noses at what we have.
We don’t realize how precious it is.
Today I read that the world is a lot less brighter of a place. Caitlin passed away. Caitlin was, if you didn’t know her, one of those beautiful souls that you are lucky to encounter in a lifetime. She knew her health was fragile, yet she lived big. She loved big.
I can’t tell you how many times I left her blog in tears, happy tears and sad tears, in laughter or filled with a new appreciation for life. How often she clarified a muddled thought of mine, how selflessly she sent me words in private, boosted my spirits and soothed my heart. Our friendship drifted as it tends to do in this chaotic world of pixels and type, but always, a visit to her or a visit from her was a joy.
And now she’s gone. I hurt for her Master, her whole family, because never was there a more gentle heart filled so completely with love as Caitlin’s. She lived to the fullest and she loved harder, and if ever there were anyone who recognized and appreciated and used the gift of life and love, it was her.
Even in her passing, she continues to inspire and light the way. Every day is a blessing, every lost chance to love is a tragedy. I will not let the gift I have slip away, never knowing when it might be snatched away from me. There is no fallen pride, no fear of being wounded that is greater than the heartbreak of contemplating life without Him.
Cherish what you have – before it’s gone.
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday December 22nd, 2008 9:35am
I found her blog just recepntly in your blogroll… I’m so sad she’s passed away, I didn’t know that.
*hugs* Breach that emtpiness.
I’m pretty sure I started writing this exact post the other day ( http://lalanasjourney.com/?p=259 )- only of course, my words weren’t nearly as pretty and flowing as yours. And, I sorta half chickened out. That’s probably a good thing, being that I wasn’t in the best frame of mind at that moment. So how DO you bridge that gap? And my biggest question is… once you’ve crossed it, how the hell do you keep it from cycling right back to the same damn place? I wish someone would show me where that line is, the one between being honest and being a bratty slave. I seem to keep missing it and jumping right past it into psycho bitch mode.
All that for me to say you’re not the only one feeling a distance right now – I just wish I knew wtf I needed to do to FIX it here.
lalana
I don’t know. That’s my honest answer.
I think some of it (if not all) means being vulnerable. Opening myself up instead of closing off out of fear of being hurt or rejected or .. whatever it is that I’m afraid of.
Not just being open with feelings, but everything. Wants, needs, desires – do you know that I hardly ever act sexual or… come on to Him or express being horny – because I’m afraid of rejection. I never used to be that way. If He didn’t wanna, I’d go masturbate and all was well. I don’t know what happened that I bury that now. I don’t even masturbate anymore. I just… swallow those feelings and go read a book or take a nap or.. wash dishes.
Putting myself out there. I suspect He’s doing the same thing. We’ve closed off.
I don’t know.
i am hoping for all of us… every damn one of us. .those that read caitlin..those that just found her.. that her life will somehow touch us all and show us how truly short it is.. teach us to grab life and live it .. each and every day to it’s fullest..
i keep thinking it is the best tribute to her life..
morningstar (owned by Warren)
Kaya,
I don’t know how this sort of thing happens either. it seems to just creep up and suddenly we find ourselves distant with those we care about. I do know that it can only be overcome by someone saying what needs to be said. It’s hard because it’s opening oneself up to pain far worse than any whip or paddle can inflict. But the longer it goes on, the harder it is to undo. Hopefully he’ll read this post and that will start something. Say something, Kaya, soon. (I know, easier said than done)
Dave
I’m really not as hardcore a scifi fan as this will sound, but I so like the sentiment that I keep the little mantra around even though it smacks of geekdom:
“Fear is the mindkiller. I will face my fears and I will not be afraid.”
From what I can read, you’re afraid kaya and you’re letting your fears rule. The only thing you can do about that is decide how you want your life to be ruled and then go do the scariest thing imaginable – make yourself vulnerable every time the stakes get higher.
I find that G and I hit spots every once in a while where I realize I’ve fallen that much more for him (i.e. there’s been some sort of change) and as a result I’m that much more desperate to hold my own ground because my fear of loss is proportionately higher. Stop letting yourself give in to your own fear… and for this to work – someone has to go first and someone has to be open to listening. Really open. Sometimes naming those fears aloud helps too – but in every direction there’s scary territory.
Good luck!
kaya,
If you are too scared to say it, cant find the words or are just scared to say what you want….WRITE TO HIM!! Sit down and spill out your heart to him in a letter. You will feel much better, he will know how you feel, and maybe, just maybe he will tell you what he wants to say!
I’m so sorry things are tough for you. Wish I could say something more profound or helpful.
x
Kaya,
this is what is happening between me and M as well. I think we are both too scared to be vulnerable and let ourselves be open to getting hurt again.
It is going to take swallowing that hurt and being brave, I think, and doing it often, every day. Trusting that the one you love will love you back. And also trusting that if you are hurt again you will survive and be able to get up and do it all over again.
Someone has to be the one to take the chance………
Hugs to you,
Ruby
Make a list of the things you used to do and why you did them.
Then start doing them again.
When you “..pave paradise and put up a parking lot…”, “You don’t know what you’ve got ’til it’s gone”. (Joannie Mitchell)
Sorry to say, but we’re both humming the same tune :-/
Upton
Stop talking to us and talk to him. Sit him at the computer, ask him to read the current post you’ve just made and then start talking, babbling, crying, communicating—THEN sit down with two big cups of coffee, a long pad of paper, and try to map out a few strategies for how to NOT do the hurtful things in the future.
I don’t believe I’ve ever been curt with you before, but when you can sit here and talk about an overwhelming emotional moment that could have meant so much and you didn’t step up to the bar…please forgive me, but it makes me want to smack you.
You keep talking about the depth and sureness of your love, but what in the world does “love” mean if it does not include some hard work on finding out how to get past this? It is not going to happen in one pivotal moment, but that is sure as hell a place to start!
Kaya, i just read this today on Fetlife, and thought that it might help you..
Turning the corner…
Journal Entry written about 11 hours ago by firebound
This past weekend it finally happened. i gave up control.
i say it this way, rather than “Sir took total control”, because that is exactly what happened.
All of this time i thought that giving up control to Someone would just “happen”.
Afterwards, as Sir and i were talking, he said that i had to take control in order to give it to Him, and he was absolutely right.
you must take control in order to give it up.
What a concept. i had such fear of giving up total control to anyone, and even though i professed to trust Him, i couldn’t even give it up to Him.
i realized now that most of our scenes lately have been set up so that they could go two ways – i had two directions i could head – one toward giving up total control to Him, or one toward maintaining the amount of control i had left.
What i realized as i was kneeling before Him, as He was waiting for me to decide the direction in which i would go, was that i had to be able to quell my fears and just trust Him. That it was an active decision on my part surprised me. i thought that someday, someway, it would just happen that He would wrest total control away from me without me realizing that it had happened. But it never did, and now i realize why…
you must take control in order to give it up.
Afterwards, one the decision had been made and the direction chosen, i felt at such peace with myself. i didn’t struggle, i didn’t fight, i just well, let it happen…
What a paradox. Taking control and letting it happen. i guess i was half right.
*sigh* I can relate to that feeling of distance my dear. Very well. Only you have the words here on your blog that I can’t find. I appreciat your sharing them here, but as others have said you should share them with your husband and Master as well. All the best.
pixie
I just did a blog entry on this, and another on how events such as this send hard ripples through the rest of the M/s blogosphere…it’s humbling, and a very large wakeup call.
I’m there. Right there.
And I don’t know what to do to fix it any more than you do. It sucks, it hurts (although I tell myself – and Him – that it doesn’t), and right now I’m just accepting that there isn’t much I can do about it.
Sometimes I think its far deeper and more sinister than anything I’ve ever imagined.
Sometimes I think its just the whore-moans. ;)
Imagine you are all alone.
Imagine you have to get up every day and work all day and come home and care for your children. Imagine one of them is difficult and gives you a hard time almost constantly.
Imagine you have to worry about finances and making sure everyone has what they need first before you even begin to think of one of your needs.
Imagine being passive and submissive but having to stand up for yourself all the time, because there is no one to stand up for you.
Imagine going to sleep at night crying from stress and pressure and there is no end in sight, you are alone.
Imagine knowing you have so much love to give to a special person, but there is no one to give it to.
Imagine that there are so many who would trade places with you in an instant.
Your foolish pride is keeping you alone and isolated. This is the season of love, hope and forgiveness. Forgive all those who have hurt you, open your heart back up and LIVE!
Kaya,
you and I have corresponded in the past, as I’m sure you have with many of your loyal readers. I am at most times merely a lurker– I’m sure I haven’t commented on a post of yours for at least a year. But today’s post made me want to speak up.
Be grateful. Put your pride away. Put your “poor little me” stuff to bed.
Imagine what it’s like to be spending this holiday, as I have every other thus far in my life, alone.
You have a man who has committed to care for you, who provides for you wonderfully, who has tweaked many things about his life to accommodate you and your family, who loves you, who married you, and would not leave or cheat.
I am alone. I would literally give a limb to be in your shoes. I don’t know everything about your situation, so I’m sure there are many things I can’t understand. But I can promise you this: If I were you, I would be crying tears of gratitude instead of self-pity.
I’ve been keeping up with the comments on this post… and while I agree that those of us who have a Master or partner to love ARE lucky, it’s not always as simple as the suggestions given.
Knowing that they’re so close physically, yet emotionally so far away is heartbreaking. It’s not just a quick “change how you think about it” and it’s over. It’s figuring out what caused the distance in the first place, then taking steps to fix it, if possible. Feeling lonely when you’re in the same room as, or the arms of your Master is a scary feeling – because they’re your foundation, your strength. And if you can’t feel it, what does that leave you with? It makes you question everything, which isn’t a healthy place to be. It’s painful, knowing how it COULD be, if only you could figure out how to get there.
WTF is going on lately with everyone feeling this way, though??? I’ve read so many blogs lately with the same damn undertone it’s frightening. And even worse is that none of us know what to do about it.
Baby steps, Kaya – those little things like putting your head on his lap when you’d rather bite him, letting “I don’t know what’s wrong” slip out instead of “nothing”. Let him see the tears, just once. It might be what HE needs to step over whatever it is that’s between you right now.
lalana
I hope you don’t mind me signing this anon, because I just don’t want to put all of this out there under my name.
A few years ago, we were staring over a gulf of our own. We hadn’t fallen out of love, but we’d stopped really making the relationship and each other a priority. We were stressed and busy and gave each other what was left at the end of the day – almost nothing.
Every day, I wished he’d reach out to me, so I could open up to him again. And I’d be disappointed.
I watch very little TV and I’m certainly not a talk show fan, but I happened to be flipping around while folding laundry and heard Dr. Phil (go ahead, laugh) say, “Love isn’t drawing a line in the sand and waiting for the other person to cross it.”
And suddenly a light went off in my head, because that was EXACTLY what I was doing. If he loved me – really loved me – he wouldn’t be withdrawn. He’d do X, Y and Z, and then I could do A, B and C. Only I think he was waiting too.
It was VERY hard, but I just did A one day. And then did B, even though it didn’t feel natural anymore and I pretty much had to force myself. I had consoled myself for months that I was giving a good fifty percent without ever realizing that I’d started keeping score and stopped giving him my best.
And what happend? He did X. And over time, it got to feeling more natural. And I started to remember why it was I had fallen in love with him in the first place. Not long afterwards, I came out to him after keeping my deep dark secret for more than a decade.
If you’d asked me back then if we’d ever be here, I’d have told you that it was impossible. And believed it. I was wrong.
I didn’t want to reach out first because so much was ‘his fault’ (in my head) and because I was scared to death of rejection. But it’s not easier to stay ‘safe’ and bleed to death by 1000 small cuts.
Sorry for the ramble that may or may not even make sense. Your post struck a chord in me.
I whole heartedly agree! I was in this same boat with someone I dearly loved and still miss to this day. Because I couldn’t bring myself to stop drawing the line and keeping score, I eventually moved on and we ended up hurting one another. Years later we still talk but we both know what we did wrong. I remember that every day with the blessings of the man I married. I did end up with someone better, but we remember to communicate and show our vulnerability to one another on a daily basis and it makes the marriage just right. There are no awkward feelings and I am secure knowing that I will never be rejected. Point is, once you release your fears you will never be afraid again. I did and I am the happiest gal I could be. Best wishes.
The solution, tho difficult, is simple. You need to swallow your pride, realize that this is important to you, to your relationship, and your life. Realize that it is your pride and your sense of isolation that you risk… and talk to him. Put aside the patterns, the old traps and say to yourself – just this once – whether it works or not, I am going to do what needs to be done. Be vulnerable, tell him what you think, what you feel. Maybe it works, maybe it doesnt, but at at least you have tried, you have stopped contributing to the negative pattern. Each time you have to stop worrying about the what if, about the what if it doesnt work, what if I fall back into it … and think what if he DOES respond well to it. What if this is all it takes to start getting better.
Each time we try to break the pattern, the cycle, we risk – but it has to be done. We can think about well maybe they will change if I wait … but what if they are thinking the same thing. All we each have is the ability to say “This time I will do the right thing”, “This time I will choose love over pride”. Maybe it doesnt always work (it never will), but – each time we do it, the relationship gets stronger, the ability to do it gets easier, and maybe, just maybe, we get the other person to think the same way, to make the same self-sacrifice and risk …. and let the other know just how much they mean to us, and how much the relationship does. The hardest thing you can do is to swallow that bit that says “you hurt me” and say instead “lets fix this”
I am a more lurker than replier mostly due to the what can I add syndrome lol. I have been in this weird distance situation with my hubby before so I thought I would offer a suggestion that has worked for us. Go take some time together to reconnect. Do something special dress up don’t talk house and kids but of the times that are special to you, the memories of happy things you have done together, the different kinky things that are fun memories and that funny time this happened. It helps bring back to sexiness, the specialness and the bond you have that hasn’t been broken only misplaced.
Thank you all for sharing, for commiserating, for understanding, for trying to help. Even for pointing out what I already know.
I’ve already begun taking those baby steps. We’re both desperate for it and we’ll get over this hump. We have to. Anything less just isn’t acceptable. Not to me and not to Him. It won’t happen overnight, we may backslide now and again. But we’re worth the fight. Of that, I’m certain.
I can relate to this too. I think there are so many of us feeling this way and we don’t put it out there on our blogs. I don’t know why. Me? I have a habit of taking things for granted sometimes and letting myself slip and then I am doing the same thing, standing on that gulf across the other side waving madly and wanting HIM to fix it, cos He is the Master after all.
Then its tantrum throwing 101 and when I get my ass kicked, I wonder why. After it all I figure I should have just spoken up. So why don’t I? That’s the million dollar question.
I read the post on Caitlins blog and I have to say I shed a tear because of it. Then I re read your post and my heart broke for you, for me and for everyone going through the same thing.
Maybe I get complacent and think that I have it and I don’t have to work at it anymore. But I know I do. And I’ve decided no matter how silly it sounds or how stupid I look I’m gonna put it out there so He knows.
Thanks for a thought provoking post and I am sending you lots of love and good thoughts.
bliss
xoxo
Been there. I guess we all have. So here’s what you have to do. Just do it. Do something really vulnerable. Open up your gut wide open. Don’t wait until you can see that he won’t hurt you or be dismissive. Just do it.
Maybe he will hurt you when you do it. Maybe he won’t. Maybe he’ll hurt you, & it’ll open the flood gates to having one of those screaming, crying, terrible discussions that eventually winds around to resolution.
The thing is, you’ll never get anywhere if you’re standing still.
[...] of the blogs I’m reading are the same thing right now. Not only that, but going back to Kaya’s post, so many of the bloggers I read responded there – saying they understand, they’ve been there, [...]
Just a thank you Kaya… for being so damn honest about something that so many (especially me) seem to shy away from. I haven’t been able to get your post out of my head since you wrote it, and had to sit down and do some writing of my own on it. So, I don’t know how yet, but like you, I’m going to fix it. I have no choice, really, do I? Because he (and I) both deserve better… we’ve both worked too hard to get where we are to give up.
Thank you again :)
you’ve been a slave for so long, it’s hard to push your self when you’ve been relying on someone else to do so.
you need to push your self to say those words.
the best way i can see for you would be to write it all out in a letter. tell him how you truely feel in your heart. then leave it for him.
telling him you love him again will be just like the first time you told him. it will scare the hell out of you to say it, but once you do, you’ll be able to say it again and again.
Remember how you started this journal? It was a writing exercise. A tool of communication between you and Scott.
I hope that Scott reads the words that you seem unable to say.
And I hope that you find the bridge to bring yourselves closer together.
My sympathies go out to Caitlin’s friends, family, and Master. I never got the chance to read her but it sounds like she was quite the influence.
I didn’t know Caitlin passed gosh I need to stay away a lot less. I am feeling the same distance and have for months. I don’t know what we are doing anymore. I feel you’re pain, hugs. And I am still alive…
talk to you soon
Hana
[...] morning I decided to see if kaya had anything besides recipes up and I found this post and started crying. It was as if she opened up my heart and pulled out the thoughts I’ve had [...]