Liar
“Lie – Something meant to deceive or give a wrong impression”
I lied. Was it just yesterday, two days ago, that I said I *don’t* lie to Master? I’ve tried putting a spin on it and can almost make a convincing argument. All the reasons in the world, even compelling emotional reasons can’t change the answer to this one, all-important question;
“Did you tell me the truth?”
“No, Sir.”
I had a lot of self-pride. I had integrity. I could hold my head up high and look Him in the eyes and declare with passion, “I do not lie to you Master.”
I blew all that with one…… stupid…….. measly…….omission.
“Deception is to intentionally distort the truth in order to mislead others”
I wasn’t even gaining anything by lying. I wasn’t hiding anything. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. He asked me a question and I gave a half answer. He asked me again.. and again.. and again. And I simply did not want to “deal” with the other questions that would follow the truth. I was tired, I was snippy, I just wanted to move on.
“use of deception by self and partner was correlated with believing that each type of deception was preferable to having an argument”
I didn’t want to talk. I didn’t want to answer questions. I didn’t want to explain anymore… so I lied. And it wasn’t even about me! Or Him!
“Did you tell me the truth?”
“No, Sir.”
It doesn’t matter what it was about.. who or when or why. Honesty above all else, in all things. We cannot succeed in this without honesty.
“If you lied to me about this, what else have you lied to me about? What else WILL you lie to me about?”
“nothing, Master, I swear!”
“Ahh.. but your word is worthless now, isn’t it?”
Yes.
YES.
I’ve shattered trust with one… ONE… split-second decision.
“When one lies, one uses the humanity of another person as a mere means to one’s end — one bypasses the person’s rationality and in effect makes a decision for the other person”
But I’m no good at lying, no good at all. I tripped myself up. He catches everything. I’ve made that statement before. He knows. He simply knows. He knew within 10 minutes.
“Young children learn from experience that stating an untruth can avoid punishment for misdeeds”
Stating the truth would have been an extra 15 minutes of conversation. Stating an untruth has fucked my world up for the next very long while.
Master comes home tomorrow night. He did not take this lightly AT ALL.
I think I’m going to vomit.
Don’t look to me for help.. or guidance.. or advice.
I’m a liar.
Tags: disobedience
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Thursday January 19th, 2006 2:40am
Oh kaya, i understand, i do. i have done it a thousand times over stupid things.
i wish i could say everything will be alright. They will eventually but it is not going to be pleasant. i am here for you.
If there is anything i can do, i am here.
You are human babygirl. Unless he says otherwise, my opinion from what you wrote is that “You lied.” is more accurate than “You are a liar.” is. Just my opinion though babe.
Go vomit, you will feel better.
You know damn well that regardless of how horrible the consequences are….you will continue to beat yourself up for far longer than is healthy. It seems to be a common thread among like minded women…. Remember, it’s up to him, not you what will happen and how. Don’t be too hard on yourself baby.
magdala~
It’s done with and we’ll move on
I agree with both of these comments. It’s over, it’s done with..time to move on. The lil cunt was punished, berated, belittled and like a puppy that pissed on the floor, her face was rubbed into it.
I am proud of her, she took it all. Took her punishment, discipline and all like only MY slave could. The only slave that can please or pleasure me. I love her for it and everything else. magdala is very correct this slave will continue for days, weeks if not months on berating herself for this minor infraction. The only thing I can do is let her know…that I am there for her to work or assist her in working through this.
kaya, I am excited about coming home. And to all, I had a bad day at work as well, so that didn’t help and put me on edge to begin with…so fair is fair….any minor thing would set me off. *smirks at myself*.
I love you, look forward to coming home to be with my pet, to be with the one that is for me, to just be (hope that makes sense) with the only person on this planet that I can.
sorry it’s broken up and choppy, have to book off to work soon and all.
Master of kaya
kaya, i think you don’t need any other word after your Master’s comment
Trust… this word if my nightmare now. i didn’t lie to Master, but i did a very very stupid thing without asking Him. My brain was just switched off, i did it without thinking (it was such a stupid thing i was sure Master would tell me yes…and He would have done if i asked Him… He would!). i immediately told me what i had done, as sonn as i realized i have made a mistake.. He told me: “how many other things could you have done without asking?”. i swore none. But my word was worthless at that moment, just like you wrote.
i’m so ashamed…i can’t think about nothing else but my mistake…and it’s really hard to have His forgiveness this time. Slaps weren’t enought. He’s still angry with me…and i’m doing my very best to show Him who i really am.
i know i can be the slave He wants. And He’ll see i can.
i know how “little” and sad you feel. All i can do is giving some extra virtual hugs! :*
schiava – http://schiava.blogspot.com
I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes, and I’m not sure what caused it – your pain, or His love for you.
Baby, I love you. If you can’t talk online, call me if you can/want. I’ll be home all day .. and I will have msn up and running all day, too.
Not a liar. Never a liar. Just … bad at those split second decisions.
He still loves you, and more importantly – you are still worthy of His love.
Wow.
I am proud of her, she took it all. Took her punishment, discipline and all like only MY slave could. The only slave that can please or pleasure me.
I love you, look forward to coming home to be with my pet, to be with the one that is for me, to just be (hope that makes sense) with the only person on this planet that I can.
He wants to just BE with YOU. JUST BE. my heart did a little jerk when i read that.
kaya, print that out and read it over and over to yourself.
you lied, He punished. OVER.
Despite what He even calls a minor infraction, He can’t wait to come home, and not just home, to come to YOU.
realize that you are an amazing woman and slave. He is proud, pleased and calls you His.
that is all you need to know.
pet
kaya ~
everyone fucks up. it isn’t the fucking up that’s truly an issue — its how you deal with it and move past it. it isn’t the problems in a relationship that define the relationship, its how you work through them.
i think that in a M/s relationship, we have it lucky. we screw up, we get punished, its over. in most vanilla relationships, there isn’t that … that justice of the punishment, so its hard to truly move past and get on with life — you never know if you’ve been forgiven or not.
and it sounds like you’ve been forgiven. totally and utterly. hold onto that and remember it — that’s what will help you to not make the same mistake again.
~ fucktoy
Forgiveness
Hi kaya, I’m so sorry you’re in trouble, I feel ya babe, and I so agree with fucktoy (hi!) and everyone else here about being punished and moving on. Being a slave is SO much easier and healthier (for us anyway) than being a free woman in an “equal” relationship. Peering through the window into the marriages and love lives of my friends and my vanilla sisters and cousins and in-laws and all their friends, I am perpetually horrified that one little mistake or failure or screw-up or thoughtless moment on either side can go unacknowledged and uncorrected and it can fester and end up poisoning a whole relationship for months, sometimes forever. But we slaves get punished and then it’s over. I get cornered, caged, whipped, deprived, ignored till the timer rings (that’s the *worst*, I can take anything but being ignored), if I’ve really been stupid I get retrained on something, but then it’s FIXED and his forgiveness is like a warm bath of love. My master’s and my Catholic childhoods really fed into this: Confess, make an act of contrition, do the penance, take the punishment, and then you’re clean, you’re forgiven, go and sin no more, my child. It’s like being renewed, born again. Don’t worry darling, I know you know all this too, the *waiting* is the absolutely most awful part, but it will all be better soon.
Your Master said it all sweetie. The truth is regardless you will beat yourself up for this for who knows how long. The reason why because we live to make them happy and pleased with us and Their displeasure breaks our hearts. We all make mistakes, but to learn from them is a good thing. i think you learned from your mistake sweetie. You know what Master tells me? It is not my place to berate or beat up on His property. If He has said to move on then i move on and that is the end of that. To not move on and to continue to beat myself up over something is to disobey. Sometimes it helps me to look at it in that way, and i hope maybe it will help you too.
Hugs,
aphrodite
Lie and truth
I really have a problem with lies… if I find that someone lied to me, I can go really mad at it… I’ve been lied to so many times, cheat on more than I could knew… and always, the lies… I became allergic at those..;-)
I know some lies are not much at all… minors, and non-important… but where is the use?? where is the benefit??
I understand that you feel bad about that… but as your Master is now forgiving, and doing it beautifully, you should do the same…
I wish you’ll feel better very soon…;-)
Poor baby – here’s a big hug. Like your Master said – he punished, you took it, he’s proud, subject closed.
I wish there was a magic word that could make you feel better – I do this so often myself and it seems like I can never learn to THINK before I say or do something!!
It’ll get better. Try not to beat yourself up over it – or I’m sure he will!!
cuddlybum
mega huggggggssssssss.. everyone else has said what i would have said, so all that’s left is for me to do the nice stuff and snuggle in and stroke your hair. You’ll be ok when he gets home… *S*…
hugggggggsssssss again
keth
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