“Learn everything you can, anytime you can, from anyone you can – there will always come a time when you will be grateful you did.”
Lots of things don’t make sense at first, Tess, when only the physical senses are used.
What does your heart say?
Boom,
The Universe
I’m starting to think there just may be a higher power out there. Too often these messages are spot on. Though I guess it’s a lot like horoscopes in that one can make almost any non-specific message fit your life.
Anyway, I didn’t come here to talk about higher powers or horoscopes. I swear I have ADD.
I wanted to reply to the comments left on the last several post.
I wish, as always, that I had the time to reply to each one individually as it’s certainly deserved. I don’t, though, and so I can only hope that a mass reply will sufficiently express my gratitude for the time and effort you’ve given to me.
Ocassionally in a comment someone will ask or hint around at wondering if I’m even reading them. That’s a fair enough observation given there is no evidence to show that I am. All I can do is assure anyone who may be wondering the same thing that I do. I read every word with as much interest and thoughtfulness as you all give my words.
The last couple of posts have brought forth some of the most heartfelt, supportive, constructive, helpful comments of my blogging experience. And it’s those that I want to address.
Some of you have been so astute that I’ve searched the house for hidden cameras. Here I sometimes think I’m being obtuse and yet, apparently, you’re more intuitive than I thought. Because you were able to “guess” so correctly and relate your own experiences, thoughts and advice, I was better able to apply some of it to my own situation. Thank you for sharing so openly that which I’m struggling to share myself.
Some of you made me smile, so readily you showed support that it can do nothing but warm my heart. Some of you made me cry, baring your own soul in an effort to soothe mine. Some of you made me laugh out loud (I lol’ed), something I sorely needed to do now and then.
But all of you made me think. You made me examine and dig down deep and question myself. You made me stop and ask myself what am I doing and why? What do I think to gain and what do I stand to lose? What does my heart say?
Swan, Zille, morningstar, Dave, june – so many others, far too many to name – thank you. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart.
I know I haven’t laid out the details. As often as I air my dirty laundry here, some things I also hold close for reasons that make sense probably only to me.
But to answer one question; no, oh weird one, I did not take advantage of being “unowned” to shave my sas-crotch. I came close. I hovered. I even got close enough once that I lathered up with shaving cream. I also contemplated cutting my hair down to the scalp, and buying a pack of cigarettes to smoke. I had urges to flaunt my so-called freedom. But I was able to recognize the vindictive spirit in which it would have been done.
I did none of those things, or any other blatantly disrespectful, disobedient act, because I couldn’t help but believe that any of those things would have been ever so much more *final* than the act of handing back my collar. Isn’t that strange? I guess I don’t put as much importance on a collar as I do on my actions. Occasionally, I take my wedding ring off, too, yet I feel no less married and don’t behave in a manner that portrays me as single. Likewise, even without the collar I behaved as I always have. Other than an emotional distance, and a sexual impasse, I’ve continued to serve and obey, and, just as I said would happen, he slid right back into issuing orders that I just get up and do, pretty much without notice until after I’ve done it.
Though I don’t want to downplay the significance, or the ramifications of having taken my collar off either. It certainly wasn’t as innoncent as removing my wedding ring to lotion my hands. I do not have it back and I won’t take it back until I’m positive that this little mutinous moment of mine is not only ended, but dead and buried and not likely to reappear (for a while anyway). I don’t take my submission lightly, stopping and starting it as casually as walking away from a movie that I thought I would like but that bored me to tears (Wall-E anyone?), and I do try to commit myself to the long haul.
I also don’t think he will give it back until it’s time. What that “time” is, how it’s proven or shown or earned or whatever, I have no idea. Maybe it’s something he has to feel, maybe it’s something I have to feel, or something he has to see in me or.. fuck, I don’t know. I guess we’ll know when it’s right and that is not right now.
He said yesterday, or the day before, that he might just weld one on. It’s given me pause, I have to admit. On the rare occasion that I’ve removed my collar it’s been for one single purpose and one purpose only. It’s an extreme way for me to express my extreme reluctance to submit. I cannot quite bring myself to NOT submit, I can’t stop obeying or stop serving or stop being. All I can do is unhook that simple chain and give it to him.
If I didn’t have that option anymore? Would I just find another way to express it or would I stop expressing it? And should I.
~me
Like
Tuesday December 9th, 2008 8:40am 
I can hear the new smile in your voice and it sounds pretty.
OK, so I’m interested in some other important stuff… Did you get your tree up? What about the Christmas music? Sir made me 4 new CD’s this weekend of Mannheim Steamroller – they are great, you should check ‘em out. We got our tree up this weekend, the Christmas music is playing on the stereo and it’s a balmy 85 degrees outside (we’re in south Florida).
Big hugs, glad you’re feeling a little better. I know it sounds devious, but I think I would’ve taken the opportunity to shave. :)
hugs,
junebug
I can hear the smile in your voice, it sounds like you’re starting to make sense of some things and I’m happy for you.
I give you credit, I think I would have done the ole shavin thing while you had the chance. :)
On another note, have you gotten to your Christmas tree and decorations yet? We just got ours up on Saturday and have been listening to holiday music all week. Sir made me 4 Mannheim Steamroller cds this weekend – they are really great, you should check ‘em out if you haven’t heard of them.
hugs to you -
junebug
The tree is bought, we got a real one this year – thought it might spark some xmas spirit. It’s leaning up against the wall in the living room, undecorated and shedding pine needles all over the carpet. The rest of the decorations are out of the closet at least, but still sitting in boxes around the house.
I haven’t turned on the music yet. Though he even bought me a new (and pretty!) xmas cd.
I have the one you mentioned plus Transiberian Orchestra cds, too. I should put them on. Do you listen to Transiberian Orchestra? If you like the steamrollers, you’ll love Trans. If you don’t have them, I’ll burn and mail you a copy if you’d like.
Anyway, tomorrow is the day I’ve decided. I’m going to put on the music and open the boxes if it kills me. If I wait much longer I might as well not even bother decorating!
Axsmar has some pretty locking collars (that don’t unlock), so that could be an alternative to getting a torch that close to your neck. (I trust Master, but NOT his hands!)
Eventually, you’ll stop trying it. That will probably be YEARS down the line, but until that point, you will always realize that you are his, no matter how much you don’t want to be at that moment.
It’s good to have you back, Tess. (Also, you has a pretty name)
Thanks!
Re: the locking collars – it’s something we’ve kicked around for a long time. I’m just not quite comfortable going that route with the kids around all the time. Hard to explain to them, I would think. Probably they’d have no idea what it is but I’m paranoid that way. The older I get though, the more I think I’m being goofy and they’d either not care or not notice anyway. *shrug*
I am a chronic ‘collar’ breaker. Not intentionally but I had a problem with clasps breaking on me. Sir’s solution was a very heavy weight necklace chain (actually it was a piece of a show dog collar :)) that he ‘closed’ with a thick ring using pliers. If absolutely necessary it could be pulled off by strong hands. The explanation to kids and others was easy. I kept breaking my special necklace…He fixed that problem. Surprisingly even at work when someone noticed and I gave the explanation everyone just kinda said ‘Oh, that makes sense’.
Problem solved
:)
“show dog collar” Not a choke chain type, or is it?
That’s a good idea though. I really like the idea of it being more necklace like and less steel ring in style.
I personally ended up with a collar that locks with an allen wrench, it is thin and silver, with a ring on it. We got a pendant to put on it that looks very innocent, yet signifies our relationship. People tell me all the time that it’s pretty, and not once do they realize that I’m actually wearing a locked collar. Being around the kids and having them see it always on their neck, however – they are smart, they could figure it out. Or maybe they’d just think you really REALLY liked the necklace?
Welcome back, btw. You made my heart stop, biatch. Don’t do dat no mow! ;)
They also do bracelets and anklets, if you find that helpful at all.
Surprisingly, not as many people care as you would think. I know Femcar’s kids know all about her, and thus are not surprised when she does anything. But then again, she doesn’t wear any collars or the like. Come to think of it, no one said anything when I started wearing collars at all…
Yeah but you’re young. You’re supposed to look like a freak. *grin*
(I think) it would stand on me because I dress very conservatively. Picture your Sunday School teacher with her demure, blue flowered dress and hair in bun – wearing a steel locked on ring around her neck. ;)
A bracelet maybe. That’s something to think about.
Pffff. I wasn’t allowed to be a freak. My grandma gave me more shit over the black clothes than the collars.
And no, I wouldn’t be surprised. A lot of women like their necks adorned in a complimentary way, and so long as it wasn’t halfway to choking you or something over-sized, I think it would work well.
I think if it is a pretty (maybe delicate-looking?) design, no one would bat an eye. I wear a necklace that does come off, and in fact is not technically a “collar”, but in any case I have worn it pretty much nonstop for 12 years now. It’s also the only piece of jewelry I wear for the most part, so it’s not like it’s hiding under anything LOL. I don’t take it off to shower or anything, only rarely for performances really, and no one has ever thought anything strange about it (or at least never said anything). People definitely notice it – it’s very distinctive – and when they ask I tell them my husband gave it to me back when he was my boyfriend and I’ve worn it ever since.
I too am struck by how alike many of us are in the lives we lead or have led even if we are living different lifestyles while we do it. It’s warming, comforting, and moving somehow that we are such a sisterhood, and that when one is in need, the response goes out. I think all knew you were there; I certainly felt it, and expected no response while you needed every ounce you had for your own survival. It’s wonderful to hear you sounding so good so soon. Is he as well? Sounds like it as I read between the lines. The taking off of your collar sounds like a pretty rare and desperate safety valve – again – talk, talk, talk – is it? Does he see it so, do you? Would a worse one take it’s place?
P.S. Smack me! It would seem that once I started trying to help, I couldn’t stop!
He seems to be pretty okay, too. It’s weird, really, once the storm blows over how easily we slide back into things as if nothing happened.
I’m afraid of much the same thing with a non-removable collar. Would something else, something worse, replace that outlet? I don’t know. I’m curious though!
So… does this mean you want to see my hairy sasquatch or not? ‘Cuz it’s disappearing soon. I’m so sick of it. Gah.
*hugs* All the best to you.
I do! Yes! lol Do you have my email? kaya (at) underhishand.com
kaya,
i am so glad that you and your Master were able to work things out. i know that you are not a “religious” person but i am and i did pray for you and Scott daily. No matter what you believe, people still hurt and need to know that others are there for them (which we are!).
i know that for me, when we have had disagreements, then i want to rebel but i don’t. Maybe it’s because i have been “trained” or whatever they call it….maybe it’s because it’s ingrained into my psyche or whatever….but that is my opinion.
i am so glad you are back kaya…..
There is only ever one thing that I rebel hard about. I dunno if that will ever go away completely. Probably not. :)
Thank you.
thanks for answering my silly question lol!
glad to hear you are still hirsute ;) (at least it keeps you warm, eh? :D )
((hugs))
I am shaving my pits and legs though. I thought I had posted that awhile back? Right before he went on his last business trip he gave me permission to shave my armpits and then, a day or so later, to shave my legs too. My lord, I looked like I was wearing pantyhose my legs were so hairy. ;)
musta missed that one!
*falls off chair laughing at image of mohair pantyhose*
I’m glad you are okay but I also hope you didn’t…..Shit…Nevermind it’s none of my business….Are you receicving my emails????
Didn’t what? ;-)
Ask. I’ll answer.
I don’t think that you necessarily need to believe in a higher power to be able to recognize and honor messages from the Universe. I get them all the time, they are usually amazingly astute…perfectly perfect in-the-moment appropriate. I’ve changed my behavior and or my course of action from a message that I saw on sign at a chiropractors office because it resonated with me. It made me think and it helped me to deal with an internal dilemma that I was having but didn’t know how to figure out or even put words to.
I think the higher power is ourselves. I believe that we have higher selves, those parts of us that are innately connected to the rest of what ever is out there…and thankfully…they know a hell of a lot more than we do. Mostly, they know that the things that we struggle with are so inconsequential in the long run. (not that what you’ve been struggling with is inconsequential. Just that as human beings we really do, most of the time, have a tendency to not be able to see the big picture.)
I’m really glad for you, that you don’t have to go through all that misery. I know you’re strong, and I know (well, believe is more appropriate I guess) that both you and your relationship would have survived just fine….. But isn’t it oh, so much nicer to just not have to go through all that? I’m sure the kids are glad not to have go through another relocation again so soon, too. And I really hope that now that things are at least better, if not perfect, you can get it on that holiday cheer. I fully support this idea of busting open boxes… The holidays can be so much fun and so good for the spirit.
Again, big grins for you and yours. You deserve to have teh happy. I’m glad things are starting to feel better. Warm hugs.
-Brooke
Kaya
It sounds like things between you and Scott are working out and I hope that he is more aware of where your at.
I know I’m not an advice giver or even someone who has a damn clue what the lifestyle is supposed to be like.
But I’ll always be a reader and I intend to always be a friend, even if our paths stop crossing.
‘Sides, I gotta get you dancing someday ;)
Hi Tess…
I read, often if not always, and find that I have often learned so much, more than you could possibly know, from your posts. As someone who over thinks *everything*, you’ve really given me unique perspective, something other than the cookie cutter stuff and for that I am grateful.
You take the fantasy bullshit (no offense to anyone) out of the equation and talk about the reality of being owned. And I respect that about you, because so often it seems like we (myself included) become all about the fantasy and all about the expectations and the way M/s (or D/s or S/m) LOOKS and not about the actual truth of the experience of it.
When I logged on at the end of November and found that your site didn’t come up at all, I knew it was a glitch. That’s not like me. I’m a worst case scenario worrier – I’m a pro. But it didn’t even OCCUR to me that anything had come between you and Scott. Because it’s natural to know that you are owned and will always be owned by him. And because that is such a consistent concept in my head – I knew it was that the internet was broken. No other idea even occurred. I just assumed. :)
I came back several days later and got caught up and I was sad, not because of what the current state of your relationship was with Scott – but because I still knew that you are his and always will be and how sad that anything had made that “look” different because the facts in my head still seemed the same no matter what you were saying about it.
As to the one thing you will always rebel against – I think that’s natural, normal and while maybe difficult sometimes (all the time?) is a signifier of your love for your children and for yourself – both of which are critically important to who you are which in turn is a part of the you that Scott owns.
I’m babbling ;)
Anyway – I’m glad to see you are following your heart… I really truly believe that is the true course, always. Sometimes our heart path is a hell of a lot less complicated than the one our mind (and programming) tries to get us to walk.
~alena
Hi kaya
Another lurker…just wanted to say with all this talk of collars and such…that if anything has been proven over the last couple of weeks it’s that you are collared 24/7 and it doesn’t matter whether there is a collar around your neck, a bracelet around your wrist or a chain around your ankle … it’s the collar around your heart that has kept your butt in that house. So things have been tested, your commitment has been challenged… and your passed… now move on and enjoy the season. We have kids in the house as well and know the challenges that can be faced so my pup often cannot be in “slave mode” when they are around but he and I know that it doesn’t change a thing because he is what he is no matter where we are or what circumstances we are in.
So get that tree up gal!!!
xxx Ms Blair
I’m trying! Today, if I can get it to stay upright.
blah. i haven’t commented here because i’m so unsure of what you are facing. Everyone else in this virtual reality has chosen to be supportive of you, no matter what, simply knowing that you were hurting and had found a hard limit. I understand and believe that their feelings are well founded, and that you found that their support lifted you up, which is a very good thing. I too, feel for you, and wish the very best for you, your children, and your husband/Master. I understood, from what you said, that one of your kids is expecting a child of his/her own. That could be Jess, Am or even B-man. But most likely, it’s Jess. Regardless…one of your kids is in crisis. Your child isn’t the same as anyone else’s child. Not in their history, nor in their current state of affairs. I don’t know why i am writing this, except that it bothers me to see that you have caved, given in, to your limit. what exactly was that line that he crossed? And why is it ok for you now?
I truly hope that you aren’t going to evict child #1 in the hopes of saving the rest of your children, nor your marriage. you were right in what you said at first…that being…that you would never forgive yourself if you did as he said. I may have the words wrong there, but you did say that you couldn’t do what he wished, and that you would hate yourself if you did.
Your words: “I’d never felt so torn, never felt so conflicted, and never, ever felt so strongly that if I did not stick to my guns, I would regret it, and resent him, and hate myself, for the rest of my life.”
Do you feel any differently about that now?
I hate to be the only one who disagrees with everyone else, but it seems to me that you are ignoring your gut.
You have kids…they rely on you. you are all they have. they aren’t mentally ill..they are just stubborn and willful, from what i see. and now, right now, one of them needs you more than ever.
i wish you the best, i really do. please don’t give up on your beautiful daughter…if ever you could teach her anything, now would be the time, cuz you have been there.
Let us move on … next!:(
All the best and goodbye, Tess.
Bubbye.
don’t let the door hit you in the ass on your way out.
Nobody is being evicted or abandoned or anything of the sort. He’d never ask me to do that nor would I do that.
You’re my hero. *hugs*.
Susanne
When I read that you had given back your collar, I was shocked but somewhere deep I felt………something else. I probably did not comment because I did not know what to say.
That I was sorry.
Congratulations.
Try harder.
Try to get him to see things your way.
Everything felt like there was an aspect of laying blame on someone and that felt wrong. John and I were never were you and Scott were and we never will be, but, I had waited and tried and submitted (as much as one can 770 miles away) and yet, he walked away. Without a look back, without me trying to get him to look back. We both simply let it go.
I can imagine things that would make you give back your collar but there is no way I can imagine what it felt like to decide to leave or what it feels like deciding to stay.
As your friend, I want you to be happy. No judgments, no finger pointing, no blaming. None of that will come from me. I love you and if you are happy than I am happy for you. I know everything will work out the way it is supposed to.
hugs and you know how to reach me if you need to.
Sable
I have wanted to say SOMETHING since I saw you were staying with Scott, and doing the big thing you didn’t think you could live with yourself if you did.
Wasn’t quite sure what it should be. Mainly, I guess that’s because, while I have guesses, I don’t know what that thing was. But if you feel you are doing the right thing, I’m happy for you. Not because I think I know what’s right, or I think you have to do the “right” thing, but because I know if you feel you are, you’ll be happy.
And, as usual, you made me think… I don’t know how you feel about it… But I think I still agree with you on some of your “illusion” post…
I think we’re all human, and as humans, we have limits. I always looked at it as I aligned myself with someone who would share the same core limits – no murder, no bestiality, no pedophilia, etc… You know? So I could sort of pretend I had no (true) limits because, within HIS limits, I didn’t. But I really do have them. And there are things he could order me to do that I will never do, no matter what. I just live secure in my mind that he will never ask them of me. I’m hoping I’m right. But I guess you never know. As unlikely as it is, there are certain diseases and neurological illnesses that COULD cause him to go off the deep end and decide I needed to do something atrocious. And I wouldn’t.
But, when you were posting about that… I also DISagreed. I didn’t say it at the time, but I had thoughts like “Well, if there is no such thing as internal enslavement, what about The Perfect Victim? What do we call that?” (Granted, we’ll never know the full story behind that and there were very different factors at work, but… Yeah…)
Just made me think. Thank you. (: (I made him backwards because the smilies in here kind of creep me out. But he’s smiling, really…)
In any case… If you’re happy, I’m happy for you. Truly. My Master called me up on my way home the other day, and I transitioned so quickly between telling him about me and telling him how YOU were he ended up laughing. I feel (there is no other way to put it) very invested in you.
There is always a whole lot of good energy being put into the universe for you, by me.
~Chloe
Good to see you feel well enough to chit chat again. Bad because now you’ve got me reading this when I have a dozen things to do and was gonna just check on you quickly!
Kaya/Tess (???)
Is your “collar” the necklace with the slave bell, or is it something else? Maybe I’ve missed an explanation….I’m just curious.
Ruby
Kaya,
I’m not usually at a loss for words, but right now, I’m not sure what to say. I’m glad that you and Scott have found a way to stay together (even if it was just you submitting). But I worry that the issue, whatever it was, hasn’t gone away and will rear it’s ugly head again. I guess I can only keep praying for you and your family. Take care.
And you so need to get that tree up.
Dave
Wow, I’m a little behind here due to problems with one of my own kids so I am happy to see this post. I hope that all that everyone has said regarding hard limits and working things out with thoughts of revising some of those hard limits have helped you sort out your confusion and misery. I am happy to see that the commitment of a marriage is as important as the commitment to a non-vanilla relationship. Like someone said about working through the tough times, everything is a work in progress and the best relationships are the ones that hammer through the wall that sometimes gets put up.