Kids and BDSM
I started to type this over in Kaylem’s comment section, and then figured I’ve hogged enough space over there and I’ll bring it here. Sorry Kaylem!
Kaylem had gotten a private question regarding child rearing within the Master/slave lifestyle and it sparked this in me.
My daughter found the key and rifled through our toybox about two years ago. She was 12. This absolutely and completely traumatized her. She had enough knowledge (most likely from the internet) to know what dildos and vibes and plugs were, cuffs and whips are pretty self-explanatory. Once it’s found, there really is no denying it.
She didn’t tell me at first. She told my mom. And she told the school counselor. There were no repercussions from the school, thank God (you worry about legal and child welfare things like that though). My mother, being the bible quoting, sex is dirty, masturbation sends you to hell type of woman that she is, spent long hours talking to my daughter about how wrong that stuff is. How there is something wrong with me, wrong with Master. I had no clue why my daughter was distancing herself from me. I didn’t know what was making her so angry. She started fighting with me about letting her move in with her grandmother. I completely rejected the idea, of course! She’s my daughter, no way was I going to let her go anywhere. My mother was also bugging me, telling me that I was making her miserable, that I should just let her be happy.
Then my daughter threatened suicide if I didn’t let her move out. I was floored. I honestly just didn’t know what was going on. I was heartbroken. We had always had a good relationship, she was my first-born, my miracle baby as I had been told I would probably never have kids. And she just seemed to hate me.
To make a long story short (yeah, like I can do that.), she did move out, and about a month after that, she told me what she had seen. She told me how angry she was that I was being abused. She said the sex toys were disgusting. She said I was disgusting. Master was disgusting. Everything was disgusting! She couldn’t stand to look at me, she said.
When you get confronted with that, your first instinct is to deny it. But how do you tell someone they didn’t see what they saw? How is denial or lies going to make it any less confusing? I went through a few days of conflict over how much, if anything to tell her. At 12, she barely had the basics of relationships and sex. But I knew if I was going to get her back, I would have to talk. So talk I did.
Without going into intimate details of my own personal sex life, I explained as best I could, the toys, the whips, and the emotions involved. That it wasn’t abuse. That it wasn’t illegal. (She thought, probably from my mom, that those sex toys were illegal.) I told her that sex was much more than what she was learning in health class. That sex and intimacy is not disgusting, that it can and should be fun and exciting and meaningful and thats what the toys were for. That all different sorts of sensations, including a little pain, can be involved. That exploring what you like, with someone you love, is natural and normal.
I didn’t go into the power exchange or the Master/slave stuff. I don’t think she picked up on that, or at least she didn’t ask about it.
She did move back home and while she has never again asked me about my toys, she will ask me anything else. It was a hard road and could have ended badly, almost did, but in the end we are closer and more open. At 14 she’s just starting her own explorations… first kisses and all of that. I like knowing she isn’t afraid to talk to me now. She’s asked me things like ‘what does sperm taste like?’ or ‘what’s up with butt sex, Mom?’ And while each time my heart skips a beat and I still question how much info is too much, I at least know she’ll come to me with things that arise.
I have two other kids who have no clue to this day why their sister moved out for that time. She’s never told them about what she found and neither have I. What they have benefited from is the open and honest atmosphere that’s developed. We are an affectionate, goofy, silly, fun family. Master makes no attempts to hide the fact that He finds me sexy, and vice versa. We’ll often pretend to ‘make out’ if only to get the groans and “get a room” from the kids.
The toys have been moved to a padlocked cedar hope chest that sits in our bedroom. The kids believe it has Master’s guns in it and He carries the key with Him. I don’t call Him Sir or Master around them (though I have slipped a few times and hurried to cover it with a salute or a sarcastic comment, even taken to calling Him “My Lord” for shits and giggles. The kids think it’s hilarious). Both of my daughters have started to take offense to the way I wait on Him and there have been a few conversations so far about that. Mostly what I stress to them is I do what I want to do, I do things to make Him happy because I love Him, the same as I do for them.
In this lifestyle, if you are living it, you take your chances with kids seeing or sensing things. And you learn to be careful and private too. My girls can no longer walk into the bathroom when I’m in the shower, I have too many scars that spell words..lol. That’s not something I want to explain. The hooks in the bedroom ceiling hold a rope light in a frame around the bed, which is actually quite sexy and mood-inducing when we use it for the light. Various hooks in the basement hold Master’s tools, lawn stuff, bikes, chairs, etc. The excess of rope we really DO use for other things, like tying things down in the back of Master’s truck, so the kids think nothing of those things.
But prepare yourself for the possibility of being outed. It can happen no matter how careful you are.
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Saturday October 22nd, 2005 8:13am
It’s tough, and scary.. Our daughter is still very young, but we’re already trying very hard to make sure that she doesn’t become aware of this side of things.
THANKFULLY of the grandparents she’s likely to have communication with, I trust 2 sets to be very reassuring and say something along the lines of “Sweetheart, I understand why that’s kind of disturbing, but your Mommy and Daddy are very much in love and that’s just how they express it, I’m sure that they’ll talk to you about it if you go to them.” (I’m fairly certain my parents have played with some bdsm in the past, and Masters Mom is pretty easy going.. I’m not sure how his Dad would react.. I think his brain would explode.. ;) He’s one of those very closed minded liberals.)
I think that the D/s will be the hardest, but I think that as I am a fairly hardcore 3rd Wave Feminist, she will grow up in a very inclusively minded household where things are more about “women choosing to be who they want to be” rather than just “women have to be super-execs and take over male dominated areas.” That will help the conversation (“Honey, Mommy has chosen to take care of your Daddy this way, you don’t have to make the same choice when you’re a grown up.. You can be whatever you want.. As can any other woman out there. Mommy works, and is very respected in her office (hey, i can day dream ;)), but when I come home, I have chosen to let your father be head of the household.. It’s not the only way, it’s just our way.” But I’m still pretty naive about raising older kids, so we’ll say what I’m saying in a few years. :)
Its good to hear about how families deal with kids when they live this lifestyle. I myself am a long way from being ready for kids, though these issues have certainly entered my mind and made me wary about the possibility of them in the first place!
*grin* I’ve told you the ‘look, Mommy, I found a rocket’ story, right?
It does get hard. I have always told my kids the truth about anything and everything. I openly smoke reefer in front of them, talk about sex, make bad, tasteless jokes – pretty much behave around them the same way I do friends. The payoff has been what you have – openness and honesty, and a calm knowledge that my kids will come to me with any question or concern. My son even asked me one night, if I would allow him and his buddy to get drunk – and when I said oh fuck no (I may be the cool mom, but even I can only be so cool – he was 13 at the time), he accepted it and my reasons, without attitude or sneaking around behind my back.
I’ve even gone so far as to say the s word to my daughter. We started out talking about s&m, then moved on to D/s. I told her about you, first … and then recently just bit the bullet and told her flat out that I am a slave. (She hasn’t made the connection yet, I don’t think, that I am now Daddy’s slave … but it will soon enough, I’m sure. Her bedroom is right across the hall from ours)
I do have to admit one of the downsides to all this honesty is the other idea I have raised my children on – what happens in our house stays in our house. That one was so hard, and I tried my absolute best to make sure they knew that did not cover things that hurt them, that it only was to include their parent’s hobbies.
It’s hard, to be different in George Bush’s America … but all we can do is be as honest as we can.
Mommy’s Blue Toy
kaya – You can leave comments – short or long – over at my site as much as you want. :)
Thank you for sharing your experience on the subject. That gives me a little more to think about as my kids get older.
The “rocket” comment gave both Master and I a chuckle. When my oldest was only 3 or so, he came into the bathroom a little bit after I had just finished playing with my waterproof blue sparkly vibrator. I had it sitting on the edge of the tub. He noticed it, and asked about it. I told him that was “Mommy’s Blue Toy” and he couldn’t play with it. Then the next time he came in while I was bathing, he asked where my blue toy was. I told him I had put it away. I got scared he was going to ask me about that damn thing every time I took a bath! Lucky for me, he forgot all about it. Out of sight, out of mind. :)
- kaylem
indeed…always something to watch out for with children…I am glad things went as well as it did between you and she…*hugs* thanks for sharing :)
i remember being about 11 searching for Christmas presents in my parents wardrobe and finding various canes, crops and some pictures i’m still trying to forget!! i never told them but it but later down the line it made coming out to them about Master’s and my lifestyle SO much easier; now we get on as friends rather than parents and i guess thats because i found out they were ‘real people’ and not just mum and dad.
It’s also shown Master and i that we will have to be very careful about locking things up when we have children because if they are half as nosey as i was, then we could be in trouble!
slave m
Your a Good Mom and a Good Slave
I have no idea how to post my url because I never read it! However, I am Storm Rider and my comment to you is you are a wonderful Mom, and a wonderful slave. You handed your stuation very well! Congrats on you and your daughters relationship!
What will they take with them?
It’s definitely scary to think about what the kids may find out. I have two boys and a girl, and my daughter is quite nosey she will be the one to find things I’m sure of it.
We do try to hide everything from them, but I know they pick up on things. As of right now they don’t take thier father seriously when they overhear him telling me I’m in for it, or “You’re getting a spanking tonight!” etc. How many times do they have to hear it before they wonder though?
I try to teach the boys especially to respect women. I don’t want them to grow up thinking that thier father doesn’t respect thier mother. He does respect me, whether I’m yelling in his face, tied to the bed, laying across his knees, or standing in the corner! LOL The respect will always be there for us, me for him and him for me, hopefully that will be what the kids remember most and take with them.
I’m glad things worked out with your daughter, thanks for sharing it with us.
Janeen
[...] wrote a really good post a long while ago about her kids finding some of their toys. I’d recommend you read it and comment. Just remember to come back here! Tags: bdsm with [...]