Keepin’ it real.
13 days of temporary insanity. Of thinking that I could ever be anything other than His.
Whatever else is says about me, when it came time to walk out, I couldn’t do it.
I had a house, I had a car, I had a secure financial source – all of the things, the stuff, the excuses that I was using for trying to explain not leaving “just yet”.
He wouldn’t have stopped me. He never would. He doesn’t want me if I don’t want to be his. There won’t be negotiating or bargaining or ultimatums or anything of the sort.
Maybe he’s just that confident, or arrogant, or.. something. Either his “training” worked or it didn’t. Either I believe I am his or I don’t. And if I don’t, then good-bye and (probably) good riddance. But if I do, then I’d stand there with my hand on the doorknob (or sit at the table with my purse) and -
And do nothing. Not be able to take that next step. Turn around and resume my place, physically and metaphorically.
So what about that thing that he asked me to do, that huge thing that was the catalyst for this most recent crisis of slavery? Will I do it?
Yes.
I’ll just have to have faith that what he wants and how he wants it done is a decision made, not to destroy me, but to preserve us. I should have had trust enough in him to begin with, before the squeal of the brakes in my head drowned out everything else.
Illusion or reality. Whatever. I’m his - nothing more, nothing less.
Tags: illusion, mending, reality
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday December 8th, 2008 8:21am
*Just smiles*
Is it really too terribly private for you to tell us what it was? Though you frequently bare body & soul, you are certainly entitled to any privacy you desire, but I feel as if I’ve just been on a roller coaster ride blindfolded.
Not a bad experience—quite an exciting one actually. But much more meaningful if I get to turn around at the end and see where I’ve just been. :)
Suze
oh wow! i have faith in you guys. i know you can do it. *hugs* i know you can do whatever it is that he wants no matter how hard it might be…even if i don’t know what it is…i know you can do it and you guys and work through this.
*can work through this sorry stupid typos
I’m curious too. But somethings are just too private to reveal whether is humiliating or just too hard to put into “written” words and see for yourself.
Faith is hard to have. Your allowed your moments of weakness. Take from this experience what you can to move forward and learn.
xoxox love you honey .. youll be alright
Glad to hear there’s a happy ending; or at least a next chapter. God bless.
Will keep thinking good thoughts and wishing the best for you, for him, for your whole family. Good luck, honey.
You’ve been the inspiration for me to blog! Whatever it is that made you have that moment of hesitation, is fine. Remember, you and your husband/Master have been a team, and from what I’ve seen and read, he’s been a father to the family for some time. I think (hope) that is indeed the case and he has and will continue to make good decisions. Sometimes, women and men have very different ways of parenting. I am assuming this is a case, given the cryptic clues in your previous posts.
Bless you and your family.
My heart is joyful, reading this.
A crisis in faith is nothing new. Lots of people have done it through the centuries. I’m glad yours has come to this.
Wishing all of you all the very best.
Hugs, swan
I am so glad you came to your senses. I know that sounds harsh but I really believe that Scott and you have a wonderful relationship. I do believe that he does consider all when making decisions. You have three children. Two of which are used to Scott being a part of their lives. Give them this stability. Especially your son! Show the children what it means to work at a relationship the good, the bad and the ugly. That you can’t just quit and walk away. Please stop beating yourself up and feeling guilty for your relationship with your oldest. I hope I haven’t offended you.
“Dynamite with a laser beam…
guaranteed to blow your mind.”
I think every slave/sub needs a moment, or a period of time where they try to leave. without being offensive, its almost akin to a toddler pushing against the boundaries of his parent’s rules, by knowing they’re there, he feels safe. I know its nowhere *near* that simple for either of you, but i think once you’ve worked through this your relationship will be the stronger for it. God knows i’ve had my “I’m leaving!” moments myself… many of them (i must be more obtuse than you, cos the message takes longer to get through!). Like you… i just couldn’t go through with it when push came to shove.
*huggss*.. keep working at it, k? cos you’re both worth it. *flicks hair like the advert*
keth
xx
p.s. in normal circumstances i’d be emailing to ask for your snail mail addy for xmas cards, since you’ve moved. But i also know right now, you probably can’t be arsed with all that. so i won’t, this year, unless you desperately want a handmade keth card and email me your new addy anyway! :) in which case, you can have one, with my pleasure!!
Kaya, was there ever really any doubt.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
just sending you lots and lots of warm tight hugs sweetie..
Hisflower
FWIW, I don’t doubt for a second that the two of you belong together. It just appears to be time for some redefinition in your relationship. It broke my heart the other day reading this:
The other morning, he sat up on the side of the bed and said, “I almost took you this morning.” and my heart thumped. His voice so quiet, so… sad.
“Why didn’t you?”
“It’s not my place anymore.”
Probably because it IS his place. He is your husband. You can reach for him and he can reach for you. That is how it goes. If he reached and you didn’t want him, the difference now is that if you say no, Scott would listen and probably stop, yet Master would listen and do what he wanted. Why not keep the kinky relationship but add some language? Are there specific things you don’t want to do/partake in any more? Do you like toweling him off after the shower? Do you enjoy serving him? Don’t stop doing the things you/he like (unless the other doesn’t) but take the time to redefine things.
I have faith that the two of you can work through this and come through with a deeper connection.
♥
Amen to this, and big hugs to you :)
’bout time. ;)
Love you guys. Bunches.
I’ll echo those who are curious, ’cause I am too, but if it’s private, it’s private.
*sends good vibes* Really hopeful that good things will happen!
You are husband and wife, lovers, family, M/s . . . you are each others’. Of course you don’t want to go.
I hope things go well. Hope . . . a very powerful thing.
I would feel a lot better if you had posted that you had decided to stay because you felt that Scott’s plan was in the best interests of your children rather than that you just couldn’t bring yourself to leave.
swan’s comment on the previous post got me to thinking… sometimes decisions are made in the best interests of the majority (IMO) and ultimately in the best interest of all concerned (though they may certainly not appreciate it for a long long time to come…)
there are THREE children involved here, not just one…as well as the couple themselves…sometimes tough love has to be just that…tough…in order for it to work…
kaya (can i call you that again now???) i wish you and yours every happiness in the future :)
i (like many others here no doubt) suspect i know the reason behind the turmoil…i think leaving would have been sending the wrong message to all concerned, and having been *there* (as the daughter not the mother) i am eternally grateful that my own mother stuck to her guns…it must feel horrible at times to be in your shoes, feeling like you are letting her down, but trust me…you gotta do what you gotta do…
sending you massive hugs of positivity and warmth
weirdgirl
I had to show my Owner this, because…. I’ve been in a twist. What if all of this crap is totally illusionary? I don’t want it to be. I really, really don’t want it to be, and it’s been freaking me out.
So. Yeah. From a totally egoistical point of view, I’m so happy I could dance. And because I think the two of you are completely right for eachother.
I hope… I hope everything turns out for the best. Do you remember that analogy? Where God puts you through trials, and you look back and there’s only His footprints because He was carrying you all the time? That comes with the saying “Let go and let God”?
I’m freaking very very far from being Christian, but in the case of M/s and IE. Yeah. It’s like that sometimes. I try remind myself of that one story, the only one of all of Christianity that I’ve ever found apropriate. That’s the one I cling to, desperately, when my Owner causes turmoil in my life.
*hugs* I hope you’ll all be okay in the end.
Glad things are looking-up! You two have been through a lot in the last few years and i firmly believe that you’ll all make it through this stuff too. Hugs!
…as it was meant to be
*smiles and sends you more hugs*
My first thought when I read your post was, “Hooray, they are going to work things out and see this through!”
My second thought was perhaps the issue you were having difficulty with is one where your Master was the one strong enough to clearly see the situation and make a hard decision.
I just can’t believe he would make a decision he knows would hurt you deeply on a whim, he cares too much. My hope is that he takes the time to show you love and support while keeping you firm in his grasp.
Strong families come from strong parents who sometimes have to make tough calls. I hope you can both take a step back, see each others point of view, and come together face the world united.
I have a child that thought he could live his life as he pleased without thinking of others or consequences. Long story short, I told him if he wished to live life on his terms, best of luck, I love you and wish you well. You want to be a grown up, welcome to the real world. A year later we are even closer and he has stayed out of trouble.
I have no idea if your issue is family related, but I wanted to let you know I have been through a tough time with a child. It was like walking a tightrope but I truly believed my “fixing” every problem he created for himself was not in his best interests. I let him live with the consequences of his actions. I never stopped loving or caring for him, but I didn’t let him make me feel guilty for not taking care of the problems he created.
Sorry this is a long post but your struggled has touched me deeply and I wanted to offer you as much support as I can.
That’s the same f*cking conclusion I always come to and it REALLY PISSES ME OFF.
It’s hard to tell when illusion has actually BECOME reality. But I do know one thing, absolutely for sure: moments of true clarity are rare, and you’ve had two in short order. Great things are afoot.
Seeker
All the best however it plays out and remember most of us are here for you.
Oh, kaya, I hope you don’t mind me joining in the songs of delight with the other commentors!
May I add that I (erm … think that I) understand why you had to go through those terrible days, and that I would likely have done the very same. You are not a bad person, you didn’t totally mess up, you just went through one of the “Ah! Fuck! What do I do now?!” moments that we all go through. It’s NOT easy to trust people … it slowly gets easier with time, but then one big scary thing can blow it all out of the water. Maybe you could have reacted better … but the main thing is that you acted honestly, and then put true and heartfelt effort into making your decisions. That’s something you can move forward from.
(If you don’t mind another piece of unsolicited advice: while you and your Master still have a lot of talking [and hugging] to do while you work out how things are going to settle down, on the other hand, don’t hang on to this — it’s happened, it’s done and over: move on! Get your Christmas mojo on [you might have to force yourself at first, but you'll get into it as you go], relax and have a hot bath, do things that make you & Master S. happy. Don’t let the holiday season be any less, just because you went through a rough patch. You will regret it later. The hard stuff will sort itself (through discussion and the trust you’ve rebuilt — I imagine stronger than before, like scar tissue) so give yourself permission to enjoy the good stuff.
And … errr … don’t punish yourself. That’s your Master’s job!) ;)
I know you only need support from him. But if any other support could help you at all, you know my email address!
My very,very best to you and Master S. :D
You’ve had a rough several days, but I agree with all the well wishes by everyone else and hope that ya’ll can find even ground to come to about all of this and in the future. *hugs*
pixieblue
Still wishing you luck in whatever happens(or doesn’t)
-Lydiab6
*hugs* I hate seeing you in pain. I’ll say a few words for your family tonight at my altar, if it means anything.
Best wishes that this all builds a stronger foundation for both your relationship with your Master as well as your relationship with your kids.
I really wish I could give you some more “wise” support. I can only gather from comments and pieces of posts that there was an issue of possible disagreement pertaining to one of the kids… If this is unfavy the case I offer words of wisdom given to me not long ago from a fellow blogger. She explained that her children always would come first as she would always have time when they were older to do her own thing in her M/s relationship.
Food for thought… Have your children come first to your reasonable satisfaction? What is defined as older? Our kids will always be our kids but there comes a time for them to jump off the branch and spread their wings. Sometimes this time comes earlier for some then others. Don’t cheat yourself of your time to focus on your relationship if you’ve honestly exhausted all avenues in a relationship with a child that needs a taste of reality of the big picture in life.
Forgive if I am totally off base and feel free to ignore this if that’s the case, I mean no offense in any way but I have to admit that if I am correct, I once was that kid and it was hard but I made it just fine because my mom have me the foundation I needed even when it seemed we hated each other. And now I’m that parent with my oldest daughter. Life, I tell ya…
I wish I had great, comforting, wonderful words. I don’t.
All I will say is that things happen for a reason, and I hope that you know that you are loved in CompuWorld. I hope everything works out, and well, for you all.
*Hugs*
Ellen
kaya,
i sat here and imagined the moment, that singular second when you exhaled and felt the weight of the nightmare you were awaking from fade away. No less than euphoric.
The heart wants what the heart wants. Merry Christmas to you kaya :)
a girl once called pet*
“The heart wants what the heart wants” At once, the simplest and most difficult truth.
Dear kaya/ Tess,
I’m lurking here for quite a while now. Not because I don’t want to leave a comment, but because my first language is Dutch, my blog is written in Dutch and often I just can’t find the words to give a comment which will make sense in English. Further I don’t want to make grammar or spelling mistakes. I’m sure I will make some or a lot, but that doesn’t matter, I just want to leave a reply.
But here I just want to write something to you because I struggle with the trust issue myself and because my Owner and I have had these periods over the last year, although the reasons may differ.
We are Owner and slave, but also share a life together with a household, both a fulltime job. He’s my lover, my friend and so much more. Over the last year we often dropped the dynamic and lived our lives. We just stopped and after a while we started over again. But there is always that trust issue or me saying NO to something I just can’t do or reactance.
I know I have some real troubles with trusting him, not him, but just trusting people. My Owner never did something to not trust him. It’s just something in me but it is killing for the dynamic, it also would be killing for a vanilla relationship I think.
I can’t count the times when I gave my collar back or asked him to remove it. He always took it back or removed it himself. I can’t count the times when I asked him to be his again and wear his collar again. In the end I always come back to my senses, to him and to my true self, in the end I will say yes, but sometimes it takes day’s and with some requests months. I’m a slave and I’m his and he knows it and has a lot of patience. With or without the collar, with or without control or discipline, I’m his. And I’m not as enslaved yet as the most of you are I think.
We are both searching for a way in which the dynamic can grow. Sometimes we do the search as Master and slave, other times we do it in a way vanillas would probably do, as if we are equal, not quite M/s but sometimes nesecerry. We are human after all and want our relationship to grow. Not to collapse over an M/s dynamic…we love each other, no matter what.
So, it’s hard keeping the dynamic real and alive, especially because trust and faith is an issue in my life, I experience strong reactance at moments, but we always find our way back. The one thing I do have enough trust in is that he only wants me to be his because it’s what I want. If I really want to get out, I can get out (in theory that is, because mentally I can’t)
Good luck for the both of you, hope the sun will shine soon!
Greetings from the Netherlands.
Collard 4life
umm…totally unrelated and probably in bad taste given the outpouring of emotion that has been going on around here lately ;)
but…….
you know when you had your (perhaps illusory;)) freedom, did you manage to rid yourself of the Sasquatch???
just askin’……… :P
Wierdly, I was wondering the same thing.
Oh, and also… kaya/Tess, do you still want to see my hairy parts? ‘cuz after three weeks without a shave, I’m freaking hairy. Everywhere. If you like, I’ll try get a photo of The Terror – my Owner now has to more or less “cut” his way in.
Just email me. ;) Not allowed to post those on my blog.
Dear Kaya,
It seems to me that there is one thing that is true. If you don’t consider your needs, no one else will either.
Only best wishes to you and yours this holiday season.
I’m very happy for you guys. I wish all the best to you and your family!
I’m glad you decided to keep writing about your life through all this. I have moments when I really struggle with being submissive, I think it’s just part of the experience. I think whoever above said that it’s a little like a toddler testing boundaries has it pretty right. Sometimes I have to act out and exert independence – but usually I find that I think I have less control over my life than I actually have. I don’t know if this applies to your life, just where I am right now – I freak out every so often thinking I’m powerless when I really should just trust that he listens to me and makes rational decisions, even when the path is difficult for me.
All I can say is YAY!!!!!! So glad, so happy for you both!!!!!!
Reading your last few posts, I was thinking you decided something with your kids was taking presidence over Scott; because you disagreed on the repricussions of a decision and you decided to stick by your kid. Now I think I must’ve been totally wrong because of this new change. Arg.
:)
i’m kinda left thinking…there doesn’t have to be such a oceanic distance between illusion and reality. It doesn’t have to be either / or…hell, it doesn’t have to be anything.
Sometimes the hardest part…is to give up and go with the flow.
Many many big hugs.
It must have been a very difficult few days.
The next few days/weeks to follow will be hard as well.
Hang on tight.. trust fully… love completely.
If life was easy.. we would not be the same. It’s full of bumps. It’s all about how you hang on and how you make it through that builds our characters. And you sweetie have a lovely brilliant character.
**hugs**
Isn’t that what its all about sometimes? “Hang on tight; trust fully; love completely” I think thats the best advice about submitting. Do it his way. Of course thats far easier said than done.
tina
I am so happy you decided to stay –
Whatever it is that you need to do – I hope you have made peace with your position. It is often difficult to do what is required. I have faith in both of you.
EmmyBlue
just smiles and gives you both a hug…i like this news.
I’ll repeat what I said before: I came for the kink, I stayed for you. Whatever happens, I’ll keep reading. Good luck.
Hope this is taken in the sentiment it is written…
You should be a suspense novelist, really, no joke and no sarcasm. i have been on the edge of my seat. And i know that may sound like i am looking at your life for entertainment, but i assure you, i am not.
i ached for you, for him, for all of you. But the reason i was totally engrossed is because of your words, your way of conversing with us through your writing.
You may be surprised at how well you could do, and wouldn’t extra $$$ help anyone?
Just my two cents…
tc
ps…i am glad it is looking better for you.
I’ve been waiting for this – you were trying too hard to convince yourself that it was all over.
I feel for Scott, though – I know the feeling of “Dammit, I pushed too far and it’s all blown up.” Though it’s always turned out better in the end, which says something for the power of instinct.
The last line. The “Illusion or reality. Whatever. I’m his – nothing more, nothing less.” It really got me. That’s how I feel too. Its who I am.
Best wishes!
karina says it exactly as I hope it is: perhaps your Master was able to make the hard decision that is, for all of you, the right one.
I hope you can feel the joy and love and hope pouring out of all these souls, carried to you by these comments, as clearly as you felt the support and comfort offered days ago when you announced you were packing up to go.
No matter where you grow it, I cherish our glimpses into your garden. :)
Kaya,
I hope things work out for the best. I’ll email you.
Dave
phew! that was close. :)
What a bunch a beautiful friends you have, kaya! You’re lucky in so many ways . . . I’m glad for your decision!
Hugs, bev
I have been a long time reader, but not commented before. This is going to sound harsh…I am hoping that your decision is the best one for your children. It seems that if the issue that caused you to “draw the line” with your master concerns YOUR children, I would trust your gut instincts as the mother of your kids. I find it a bit unsettling that your first instinct was to get away, to raise your children elsewhere away from your master.. and now you are reconsidering. Yes, maybe your master perceives you and your children as “burdens” as you said before. To me, that seems like tough shit for him, as he supposedly loves you and entered into a marriage with you. I also wonder, that if you told your reading audience what the issue actually is, if you would be getting different feedback. I am sorry to be so negative, and I do wish you the best, but I have seen too many women prioritize the men in their lives over their children, s/m relationship or not. It is far, far too common for women, historically, to be trampled, literally and figuratively. Good luck.
It doesn’t sound harsh, it’s a valid concern given the little information I’ve shared. One of the hazards of not telling all is knowing that some people will draw the wrong conclusion. But that’s the price to pay for keeping some privacy, yanno?
All I can tell you is that he is not, and has never, *made* me or my kids feel like a burden. That’s my issue, not his. I sometimes FEEL like a burden but that doesn’t mean he’s making me feel that way. If it were a problem for him, he’d not be so insistent that I not work. He does not mind supporting me or my kids, but he does expect some limitations to be placed on that support. He’s not a millionaire. Trust me when I say that my kids have far more than they ever had with just my income. He’s generous but sometimes I go way overboard with the spoiling.
Obviously there was an “issue” that arose that elicited the reaction from me that it got, but that certainly doesn’t mean my reaction was warranted. I’m rather notorious for overreacting and for being a drama queen, in case you hadn’t noticed (grin) not to mention that I was also pms’ing (heavy sigh) at the time.
Some of the “reading audience” does know exactly what “it” was as I communicated with people that I know better through email. Among the replies here and on the past few posts, some are from those who know. If you’ve read the comments you can see that the advice from most everyone was just about the same, so knowing all didn’t make a bit of difference. The fact is I DID overreact and I complicated the issue far worse than it should have been simply because I am a “momma bear” who was upset, pms’ing, emotional and looking for a fight because other things beyond my control were crowding the issue.
For a more complete picture, read swan’s comment to the post Thats fucked up (sorry, I cant link directly to a specific comment). It is completely spot on and she is “in the know”.
He’d not ask me to do anything harmful to myself or my family. But sometimes, a person is too close to the issue to see it objectively.
This post got a big ol’ “AWWWWWW” from me.