Kaya and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day
PMS. I have some. At least I think I do. I never keep a schedule of it, I just kind of figure that when I start getting irritated that the people around me are still breathing – I’m close to bleeding.
Yesterday was blechy. Jes has left. Again.
I just can’t keep doing this with her. Everytime something happens that doesn’t please her 100%, she bolts. All I can see in the future is her using that baby as a pawn, a manipulation tool to force me into giving her her way all the time or she’ll take it away.
My gut response is to try and keep myself from bonding any more than I already have with the baby-to-be. Self-protection I guess.
I’m truly thinking about telling her not to come back. And yet… the words stick in my throat because…. the baby bump.
What was the catalyst this time, the horrifically awful event that caused her to run away from the evils of this house?
The end of allowance, and my refusal to do it again at any time in the very near future.
Not just for her. For all three of them. And not because I am determined to “ruin her life”, as she thinks. (As if allowance is the life-ruining factor she needs to be worrying about anyway. Jeezus pleezus.)
Here was the deal with the kids and earning an allowance.
Allowance had stopped working in the way that it was supposed to. It had become a source of fighting, between me and them, between Master and I, and within myself.
Here’re the ways in which it went wrong:
First, there were hassles over what it was supposed to be used for. This was a lot of where Master and I would start to bicker. He felt that it should be used for anything they *wanted*, and while I don’t disagree with that theory, I would tend to disagree with what was a want and what was a need. (Imagine that huh? A slave who wants to haggle over wants and needs. tee hee)
An extension of the ‘wants and needs’ disagreement was that it seemed like I couldn’t buy them something for “just because” without him thinking it should have come out of their allowance. Again, he had legitimate points, but so did I. And unfortunately, the kids had picked up on some of the discord between us about it and were playing that in their favor, the manipulative little monsters.
But these things between him and I were being worked out as we went along. That wasn’t even the reason it all blew up, but it was a mitigating factor in the final decision.
They had a very small, very reasonable, list of chores to earn their allowance. They had to do simple things like make their bed in the morning, put their clothes away, help clean up after supper, take out the trash, yadda yadda yadda.
But all of a sudden, they seemed to think they didn’t have to do anything that wasn’t THEIR chore. There was no spirit of cooperation anymore, no willingness to help someone (me, mostly) do anything. Not that I expect cheers and cartwheels when I ask someone to set the table or dust the living room, they are teenagers after all, but about the 100th time I heard “No. That’s not MY chore.” I’d had enough of it.
If there wasn’t a monetary attachment to doing something, again, they thought they could refuse to do it. Everything I’d ask was answered with “how much will you pay me?”
Uhh. Nothing. That’s how much.
I was in a constant cycle of having to remind them to do their chores, of tracking them down, asking them if they’d done it yet, being told that yeah, they were coming to do it in “five minutes, Mom!” and then, an hour later, the table still isn’t cleared, I’m getting tired, I don’t want to clean the kitchen at 9pm when THEY are ready, finding that they’d “forgotten” to scoop the litter box for 3 days straight, they’d “forgotten” to take the trash out…. blah blah blah and excuse after excuse and wah-wah-wah-wah.
Plus, they’d lost any and all motivation to find other ways to actually earn money. When I was a kid I did all sorts of unpleasant things to earn spending money. I detassled corn in the summer (if you’ve done that, you’ll agree it’s a suck-ass job for a kid), I babysat on the weekends and in the summers instead of hanging out with my friends.I waitressed. For one short and disasterous time over a summer, I delivered pizzas. (Me and directions? Are not friends. I cost that poor restaurant more free pizzas than were paid for I think. I was the worst delivery driver than any delivery driver in the history of ever.)
But I’d mention to them about looking for work like that and they’d sigh and “Nah” and “don’t need to” and “why?”.
And, this is where Jes factored into it the most, what it was being spent on just was burning my ass more and more.
She would save hers until she has enough to make a trip to Wisconsin. Which, on the occasion that the three of them would cooperate so they could go together, I was much more okay with it. The other two kids liked to go down there and spend the weekend with their old friends, too, so they’d all chip in one week’s allowance and that was enough to cover the gas there and back; they’d leave after school on Friday, come home on Sunday, and it was all hunky-fuckin-dory.
I knew where they were and I knew when they were coming home.
Jes doesn’t like doing it that way. She doesn’t want to only have Friday through Sunday. She wants to stay there for a week or two. In order for her to have the gas money without needing her brother’s and sister’s contribution, she has to save all of her allowance for a month. So she was in this cycle of saving for 4 weeks and then taking off for 2 weeks.
Her car, the car we gave her? Needs some work done. We did not give her that car so she could drive it into the ground by zipping off to Wisconsin and Illinois all the damn time. And the fact that we’re struggling to figure out how we’re going to pay for her baby while she’s pissing away money so she can go get laid once a month? Umm. no. There are a lot more important things she needs to be saving her allowance for.
So the whole thing accumulated into one big fight between the kids while we were gone the other night. I heard all about it when we got home and it all started over Jes saying that she wasn’t going to take Am and B-man with her anymore because she doesn’t like having to come home at the end of the weekend. She wants to stay there for that week or two.
And I’d just had enough. Her selfishness and her irresponsibility, on top of all of the other problems with the whole allowance business, on top of the fact that we’re not exactly rolling in the dough anyway and if that sacrifice from us isn’t properly appreciated?? Enough is enough, you know? Seriously.
And I’ve been threatening to do this if things didn’t shape up for quite a few weeks anyway.
So I told them all that I was done. I was done with allowance, done with chore lists, done done done. They can just do without until some of this other stuff improves. Or forever. Whichever comes first.
Am and B-man? They’re not stupid. They knew it was coming and they know why. They heard the warnings, they chose to ignore them, and they get that this is the consequence.
Jes? Not so much. Back to that entitlement syndrome of hers. She thinks that she is earning that money and should be able to do what she wants with it.
She thinks I’m only trying to keep her from seeing the baby daddy (who is still unemployed and has made zero contribution to anything).
She thinks I’m being unfair.
She thinks I don’t want her to have any fun.
She thinks I only want her to sit around the house and be miserable.
She thinks since we gave her that car, she can drive it without oil, drive 3,000 miles on bald tires, and that we shouldn’t say anything. Because it’s hers.
She makes me so tired. One day with her is like two weeks with the other two, I swear.
She doesn’t think she should be still be treated like a child, yet she’s doing *nothing* adult-like in any way whatsoever- nor can I get her to admit that even getting allowance is pretty childish.
She’s still just 17 and lives here and *should* be treated like a child, especially considering that she acts like she’s 12.
Everything is “not fair” or “not my fault!” when it comes to her, and even though it’s not my fault she got pregnant and not fair that we have to pay for it, she’s too stuck on how “not fair” it is that I took allowance away and how it’s “not her fault” that the other two kids have to go to school and can’t take off for weeks at a time.
So she gets pissed, she says she’s going to leave, I tell her to do what she has to do, she calls grandma crying and whining, my mom wires her money- and she leaves.
She writes me this long ass note about how it’s “not fair” (scream) and how she doesn’t want to leave but she doesn’t think I’m being “fair” (scream) and it’s not “her fault” (scream)
Round and round we go. Didn’t we do this same thing last month over something else?? And the month before that?
Fucking tired of it, of her, of the drama. Maybe I’ll take a big ol’ pass on being a grandma after all.
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Wednesday March 18th, 2009 7:10am
I am so sorry to hear that Jes is having such a hard time accepting her responsibilities. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to have to be the parent and ‘put your foot down’. If your mom is anything like mine, she’ll pay her way and baby her so she will still learn nothing. It is a very difficult situation to be a baby having a baby, but at some point she’ll have to buck up. You’re doing the right thing, stick to your guns and she’ll come around….she really has no choice. Baby’s tend to come whether you are ready or not once they’re started.:)
My thoughts are with you and yours
Tess, you have to let her go. You dont owe her or the baby anything. You cant let her run all over you, and if you do, it will only get worse. You have to think self preservation. So let her run the car into the ground, then she wont have one. Doesnt want to do chores? oh well, no money. And as soon as she got pregnant, she gave up having any fun at all. I imagine that she thinks you will babysit when she wants to go out and have fun. She is just like my son, she has to learn the hard way. It may take a while, it will make you worry, but you cant live her life for her, she has to make her own decisions and then live by them. Trust me, I know its hard, I have many a wrinkle and many a grey hair over it. But I learned that I had to take care of myself and the rest of the family and I couldnt let my son come inbetween me and my husband. Good luck, sweetie, its hard to keep your foot put down and not give in, but you have to.
110% agree. It’s this or you won’t become a grandma.. you’ll be having a 4th child.. If you bend the rules, Jes is gonna break you!
Everyone has a limit. And you’ve reached yours. You’ve done way more than I would have.
I don’t know the whole situation of the kids going away, but you have been very very um….”nice” to let them do that. Far more than I would have allowed. Weekends away in mom and dad’s car with their money.
Here’s the difference. My daughter, can “borrow” my car…even if it’s one I reserve for her use. She does not own that car.
I agree, though, that at this point allowances should be on hold.
As to the baby…well, I’d probably foot the bill for the baby…it’s your first grandchild and you want to be sure it’s got a healthy start. And (sigh) it looks like you will wind up with this baby yourself, as I doubt Jes will want to be inconvenienced or tied down.
However take heart, it’s spring, my kids are driving me crazy too.
kaila
Before you have a 4th child on your hands, I would seriously consider adoption.
I’ve worked with troubled youth for 15 years. I’ve seen this situation playout time and time again. And time and time again its the “grandparents” that end up being the “parents”.
Adoption sounds like giving up, but its not. Very often, adoption is the best solution for all involved, most importantly the baby.
Kaya,
I am sorry you are having such a time of it. Yes, this sucks and there is no way to get through it but to do it.
This is tough to say, and I apologize in advance, but, have you considered the possibility of taking custody of the baby? If Jes does not straighten up and her young man friend does not contribute the responsibility for this baby may fall back on you. You and your husband just seem like the kind of decent people who are going to do the right thing despite yourselves. Those little rascals show up so cute and cuddly with that new baby smell — jeez. You guys may be fed up with Jes but I do not see you as the kind of folks that are going to let her take your grandchild out into the wilds of this world. Perhaps this is a conversation you may want to start with your husband and perhaps the social worker at the hospital. At least that way you will have an idea about what your options may be in the future.
Be Well,
P
Maybe the threat of that will make her see that it’s not all up to her. God I’m not surprised you’re seething. I also liked the comment below from the 18 year old! I was quite vile at Js’s age, but fortunately didn’t get pregnant largely because my mother ‘put me on the pill’.
I’m sure things will work out for you all eventually. It just may require a lot of seething between now and then, but I’m sure one day she’ll see what a pain she has been.
Sigh. I am so sorry this is so hard for you and your family. I don’t have kids, and I can’t even imagine. All I can say is that I hope you have a better day.
Wow your daughter Jes sort of amazes me the way she acts. I’m only 1 year older then her and I WISH I had parents like she does (and then sometimes I’m glad I didn’t or I would be more like here, please take no offense to that!!! I
& My comment cut off…. I don’t want you to take offense to that because you and your Master seem to be really good supportive parents, but I do think you all give too many chances, but I’m 18 and not a parent so I don’t know what the heart tug is like… but for the chores thing… I personally think thats more for 8 year olds. At the age of your kids, they should be working. And getting money to make your own bed?? that’s a fuckin sweeeeeet deal, but at the same time kinda stupid. That’s probably why they think they should get paid for EVERYTHING they do.. cuz.. you practically pay them to breathe… lol making your bed just seems like something everyone does every day.. not like an actual chore, yaaaaa know? Well I hope nothing I’ve said has offended you and that you have a nice day :)
My kids don’t get an allowance. I’ve never really done the allowance thing. I think I tried giving them an allowance for a short time, but just never got consistent with it. If they needed something, we bought it. If they wanted something, and we had the money, and it seemed a reasonable request, we bought it. But there was never any of this, how much will you pay me to do such and so? I’ve seen it from my son’s friends though. I need my yard mowed. My son’s friend offers to do it for twenty dollars.
I am sorry you are having so much trouble. This too shall pass. Let Jes go. Just let her go and don’t support her financially. Maybe you want custody of her child, maybe you want to go the adoption route. It all depends how you think she will shape up once the baby comes.
All very, very tough stuff. My heart goes out to you both.
:( I am so sorry Kaya. I know you wrote this as a vent and you probably feel better now than you did while writing it out (it happens that way for me and then the comments come in but I no longer feel QUITE as badly) but it’s still gotta be rough.
I remember my kids at that age and you know…I had to let them go. It killed me but…I had to. For them and for me. Doesn’t mean you cut her out of your life, doesn’t mean you do not help her when you can, just…these are not your decisions any more but hers. Her baby, her choice to run away or not, her life, not yours. She’s a young *woman* now. Her choices are not controlled by your choices anymore.
I moved in with my bj at 16 and he was 18. I look at 16 y/o’s today and I look back at myself now and cannot believe I did that. But truth is, I did. I really was capable of working, going to high school, taking care of a house and my bf and all that. I thought my mother was the dumbest woman on the planet when I was 16. Truth was, I was a young *idiot* compared to all that I’ve learned today, and my mother grew in wisdom magically as I got older, especially after I had my first baby, but you know…for all intents and purposes I was an adult at 16, doing adult things.
The best advice I can give you (not that you asked for any but damn if I can’t help myself, *g*) is the old saw about “one day at a time”. You cannot know the future or know what is going to happen. Anything might happen, none of us know. Trying to figure out what she’s going to do next or what will happen when the baby comes will drive you nuts. So we take each day as it comes and we keep doing what we think is right and time moves on and Life unfolds as it will.
I cannot tell you how much heartache I have had over my own kids as young adults and I wish I had not put myself through all that stress now, because it didn’t matter in the end. They did what they wanted to anyway. They always do.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{big hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
It’s all going to work out, you’ll see.
Uh, in the above, it should have read, I moved in with my “bf” not my “bj”.
Christ, is that a fucking Freudian slip or WHAT!?! lol
Ha! You are such a slut! ;-)
…yes…yes I am… Srsly!
Right now, Jes sort of pisses *me* off. I mean, I did bitch about money, when I was younger. Because I paid tickets, books, library debts, dentist debts (if I forgot to go) and all my cellphone costs, with that money. And the candy and soda I wanted, of course. I also got it *once a month*, and it was $55.
Later, after I “ran away”, I bothered Mother for money. But I never asked HER to pay, I was bothering her to get the money the STATE gave her, money that was rightfully mine after my Father. In fact, I never asked a PENNY of HER. Just that money, just that stuff she was getting from the state, the money that was supposed to go to feeding and clothing and sheltering me. That money.
What Jes is doing is, to me, incomprihencible. She needs to grow up, and as long as you’re mothering her, she wont. Why not start treating her like an adult? She’s got a baby on the way, she’s gonna be a mother soon. Expect of her and treat her as an adult, and let her take it or leave it. It’s gonna be unfair, and it’s gonna cause tears, I think. Being treated like an adult doesn’t mean what she thinks.
It’s like my mother, when she was out with my littlesister. She’d stop my littlesister from making bad choises, like buying candy for her last money while in the UK. I said “You want that? Okay, go pay for it, I’ll wait here.” Sister paid and later complained that I hadn’t stopped her. Well, she wanted the fucking candy, so she bought it. Her choise. Tough luck. She did learn from it though.
First, you WILL be a grandma whatever Jes does or does not do. This baby will forever and irretrievably be your grandchild. What is uncertain at this point is whether you will have the opportunity to “grandmother” it in the way you would like to… That you have no control over. Best for everyone if you stop trying to maneuver the outcome of that part of it. It will be what it is. I’d second the advice of the others who have said, “Let Jes go.” You can’t hold her anyway.
As to allowance, I am one of those horrible folks who believe that children should not be paid for contributing to the well-being of the household. Chores are part of the way life is for everyone. Even Masters have the work that they must do — Yes? Learning to shoulder responsibilities, complete tasks, be timely, keep track of what needs to be done — these are all skills that chores teach to young people. They are skills essential to success in school and in life. Giving a child or an adolescent an allowance for doing things that they ought to do BECAUSE it is the right thing to do and part of their life within the family conveys the message that we don’t believe they would do the right thing if we didn’t bribe them into it. When I still had teens in my house, I used to post a list once a month with extra jobs that needed done and for which I’d be willing to pay. If one of my two wanted to take on an extra job for pay, they would find a time to discuss that with me and we’d agree on an acceptable price. The expectation was that there would be a pay day at the end of the month based on the performance of regular, routine expected duties and the successfully completed extra jobs. With my “good” kid, that system worked wonderfully. He easily took care of the routine things I expected, and then actively sought out ways to supplement his savings by finding things that needed done around the house.
swan
I’m sorry that you are having to do this right now because I know it tears your heart out. I do think you are making the right choices for her as well as for everyone else. The earlier she can grow up, the better life she will have, and I can assure you that the other two are watching very closely and learning how to make their choices for the future accordingly. It’s unfortunate that your mother is willing to save her from bad choices because in the long run that can keep her from feeling the consequences which will spur her on to do better. You have to harden your heart – feeling the negative impact of her own bad decisions is what will teach her that she wants something different. When it’s only her controlling and making the mess, she will know that she has no one to blame but herself. That’s why you continue to tell her that you love her, that you have great faith in her ability to work hard and build a great life for herself and, if she wishes, her baby, and that home will always be there for her. You cannot control her only make it easier for her to make the right choices, and more unappealing to make the wrong ones. Then, for better or worse, it really is up to her so take good care of yourself and the rest of the family.
Hang in there, honey – glad you and Scott are working as a team again.
I really can’t say much because I am not a Mom so can’t relate to how it feels, but I think you and your Master are wonderful parents. I think I would be pissed about the whole allowence thing as well if I had kids and they started acting that way about it, especially if one of them was acting as badly as Jess.
I offer you *hugs* and best wishes. I’ll be keeping you and your Master in my thoughts.
I’m really sorry that Jes is putting you in this position.
As far as chores, my parents didn’t give me an allowance, but would pay me for individual things…a few bucks here to help with Mt. Laundry. A few for mowing the yard. Whatever.
I am a slob, and I partially blame that on my parents. I lived in absolutely squalor because I had no idea about cleaning for the sake of having something be not-filthy. I’m a lot better than I was (having animals has actually helped that, since it *requires* I clean) but I’m still tempted to not put away the laundry till it’s toppling out of baskets onto the floor, or not putting the dishes in the dishwasher away or whatever. (Having a master with OCD tendencies is very helpful, though, since he steers me pretty right).
My point? They didn’t teach me that things had to be neat and orderly to be sanitary. When there was no one paying me, I had no motivation. I’m 24 – I’ve been on my own for almost ten years now, and it’s still a struggle.
As far as Jes goes, she sounds like a spoiled little brat. I’ll be the first one to say that it’s not all your fault, so please don’t think it is. I take one look at my spoiled little brat son and know that it’s not all my doing – his enabling grandparents certainly exacerbate the bad and don’t do much to enforce discipline. I can only keep him away from them so much. And sometimes…sometimes it’s easier for me to let him get away with something, because I’m too tired to fight. Or because I’m worried about damaging his psyche.
It’s hard at this age, I can only imagine your point of view at her age, with a baby on the way. I can tell you a few things from my POV as a teen mommy, though.
I was living with my very generous (near-my-age) aunt and uncle. I paid rent. My uncle had made a comment before I got pregnant (while on the pill) about how I could live with him the duration of my pregnancy, but couldn’t have a baby in his house. So, I found out I was knocked up and I hid it. I rushed to find a place in which I could have TEN ferrets (they were my babies, I wasn’t giving them up for a human baby, because they came first and counted on me). I managed, but it was hard. Then, thanks to complications, I had to stop working halfway through my pregnancy – which wasn’t counted on. Despite being on my own, welfare wouldn’t help me unless I worked 30 hours a week (which really didn’t make sense since *I could not work*). I still managed. Then I had to move home with Mommy and Daddy for a bit when kidlet was a few months old. It was hard, it was humbling, I hated it. I ate crow and offered to pay rent and whatever else I could. I did chores. I made sure kidlet didn’t keep anyone up, or make messes.
I still need my mom’s help. We bought her a cellphone and put it on our plan as partial payment, and I pay her for gas when she needs it. Without her, I couldn’t work, because I’d be working just to pay a sitter (in fact, I didn’t work for 2.5 years just for that reason).
I didn’t want kids, ever. I was already relatively responsible, on my own and taking care of myself, when I got pregnant. I grew up really fast, and I think things are turning out relatively okay. (Check back when he’s 25, please…that may change.) I was already part of the way there, and it was really hard. I knew before I had him that life wasn’t fair and sometimes things just happen and life mostly sucks but you deal with it. It doesn’t sound to me like Jes is anywhere close to those realizations.
I know that you are already in love with the baby, and I can’t say I blame you. But please understand that, ultimately, it’s Jes’s kid and (based on what she’s done already) she WILL use it as a pawn to manipulate you. That won’t just hurt you, that will hurt the baby. She might also surprise you and grow up in a hurry and resent just your involvement.
Has Jes considered the fact that she may end up with a child with special needs? My kid is so challenging with just his speech and behavioral issues that I don’t think I ever want another one. Then I read a special needs community and I thank the higher powers that ALL he’s got are speech needs. I see people with kids who are older than him that aren’t potty trained, that can’t eat solid foods or walk or talk. I see them struggle with insurance refusing necessary therapies, doctors that can’t or refuse to help or are uneducated, I see people who cannot work because they can’t find a caregiver that’s qualified to stay home with their kid. Does she understand that the first year, the crying and teething and diaper blowouts, in the big scheme of things, are the EASY part?
I’ll have to agree with the posters that say that you’ve got to stop enabling her. As much as you don’t want her, or even the baby, to suffer…she’s got to. Life is suffering, and learning from our mistakes. She feels like life, and you guys, owe her something. She won’t get over that until she has to work her ass off for what little she’s got. PERSONALLY, I’d tell her to stay gone (since you know she’s in a safe place) and cross my fingers, but that’s just me. Kidlet already tells me when he gets older he wants to live with me, but knows he’ll have to pay rent. Humans never get a free ride in our family.
Best of luck. My thoughts are with you and yours when there’s no easy answer. *Hugs*
I am sure that Jes has not thought beyond having a cute little baby to show off to her friends.
I sincerely believe that. She’s an incredibly immature and unrealistic child.
*Hugs* That sucks. The whole thing, just sucks. Your family’s in my thoughts.
ok.. sweetie.. take a deep breath …….. take another one.. oooops let them out before you pass out !!
i never ever gave my kids an allowance once they were old enough to get some job earning money… and the reason…. i said ” when someone pays me to clean the house and do laundry etc etc.. then you will get paid. That being part of a family meant doing chores to keep things running smoothly.” End of discussion.
i stopped doing their laundry when they were 13 – taught them how to do it then let them do it. If they didn’t have clean clothes that was their problem…
i stopped yelling about the unmade beds and the untidy rooms.. i closed their doors.
AND most importantly – i wrote notes and pinned them to their doors instead of yelling/fighting with them .. and they wrote notes back and stuck them to my door… amazing but it worked (it was MY mom’s suggestion)
i am not saying it was easy.. it wasn’t… but hell it saved my sanity.
just my 2 cents on the subject…….
oh yeah.. and both girls survived my dragging them up.. and the mother daughter is doing pretty much the same thing with her eldest now.. LOL.. and he says the same things she did.. “it ain’t fair”.. and she calls me and cries on my shoulder about how hard it is to be a mom.. and i cluck and tsk and when i can get a word in edgewise i say .. “he is just like YOU – phewwww – there is a GOD”
morningstar (owned by Warren)
My parents gave us like $20 a week for incidentals – snacks at school, a soda here or there and fast food on the nights we had rehearsals or late practices. They gave us the choice of a home-made lunch or exactly the price of a school lunch on a daily basis. If we wanted to sleep in our beds, we had to make them. If we wanted to have the bathroom to use, we had to keep it clean. If we wanted our clothes to be clean, they had to be in the hamper and we had to put them away when they came from the dryer. If we wanted to eat dinner at home in the evening, we had to help prepare or clean up (my father taught by example here, he still helps with the dishes). My parents bought us a car and let us put enough gas in it with a gas card for driving back and forth to school and/or practices (my dad did check the bill).
When my brother wanted more money for dates and electronics, he spent the summer mowing the neighbors’ yards, and then the yards of our extended family, paying for the gas he used and for the lawnmower, too. He got a lifeguard license and spent his a few evenings a month during the winter sitting in the tower at the school’s pool, when it was open to the public. (Me? I didn’t each lunch and saved every penny of the daily school lunch money, heh.)
We were not required to get jobs, and in any event they weren’t easy to find there/then. We were expected to get good grades – college was not just an option, it was a requirement and I remember only one time my parents promising some sort of monetary reward for good ones. My brother struggled with chemistry; they promised him a new stereo if he got an A- and they made good on that promise … today he’s a very well-respected scientist in a field related to just that subject.
I don’t know what you can do about Jes, except to make it clear to her that your door is always open to the baby (custody may be required) – and to her if she agrees to live by your rules. It must be heart-breaking for you, and a tough thing for B-man and Am to watch too.
Good luck,
sparkle
Your 17 year old sounds just like mine. They’re convinced they know it all, and that we are the stupidest people in the world. They know exactly how to cut us the deepest, and then get even more pissed off when we decide we’ve had enough of their crap.
I’m working on not giving unsolicited advice on my daughter’s love life at this moment. It’s a futile discussion, and leaves us both unhappy. I’m also telling her that focus on her education comes first, regardless of whatever drama she’s cooked up in other parts of her life.
We don’t pay allowance because it caused the same problems you’re experiencing now. We just have a few things they’re expected to do, and allowance or not, we still have to nag the crap out of them to get anything done. They know we don’t ask them to do much, and have acknowledged that many times. That admission, however, doesn’t keep them from the automatic “rebellion” reaction when they’re asked to get something done.
I thought we were doing really well for quite a while with our girls- 17 and 15. It’s gotten much worse in the last couple of months with the backtalk, disrespectful attitudes and downright nastiness. I’ll be glad once this stage is over- I only hope we all survive without permanent damage.
They don’t seem to understand that we have been where they are now. I know exactly how my daughter is feeling, but that doesn’t make any of this easier. They have to learn these lessons themselves, and I can’t protect them from pain forever. If they don’t experience the consequences of their actions, they won’t learn a damn thing.
I guess some of this is about choosing your battles. Some things aren’t worth fighting over, and some things are. You don’t have to allow an argument about your own decisions. Families are not democracies when kids get like this.
Phone call today – promise. No clue what time, or what the background noise will be, but yeah. Get your phone ear ready.
:-*
*huggles*
Honestly…it sounds like you did what you had too.
And I wish you nothing but the best.
Oh Kaya, I have so been through this when my eldest was pregnant with my grand daughter. So I can sympathise totally.
If you ever want to vent or rant or just talk you have my email address and we can talk nanna to nanna.
Hang in there.
Big hugs
bliss
xoxo
What a debacle. Many hugs to you.
The tempestuous relationship between you and Jess is a challenge in itself, and will likely only be exacerbated by the baby’s arrival. Jess is young and immature, and has no comprehension of the incessant demands of motherhood. Perhaps this will serve as a wake-up call; for many, nothing is a more growing-up experience than parenthood. Sadly, maybe not.
This is a new life and it deserves every opportunity to thrive and grow in love and support, with good guidance and enough finances to ensure it doesn’t go without. There are thousands of families who are desperate to have a child, have endless love (and finances) and a deep, abiding desire to have a child. That might be the best option for all of you – including this new amazing little life. Please encourage Jess to consider it, and yourself.
My boyfriend was adopted into a terrific family. He’s grown up to be the most amazing man I know. I don’t know if that would have happened if his birth mother had kept him.