Just stuff.
I had about a two hour window with no kids so I got to work on the tack bra. I am so not a crafty person. (When I was pregnant with my first kid I bought one of those cross stitch baby blankets because that’s what everyone seemed to be saying I *should* be doing. Susy Homemaker and all that. Well, she’s 14 now and she still doesn’t have a cross stitched baby blanket.) Anyhow, it took me a few tries to get something usable but I got it. I also need to buy more tacks to make the matching panty inserts. Master Satan, living up to His reputation.
When He first told me last night that I would also be making some for the panties, I came very close to freaking out. All I keep seeing is my ass or my pussy or BOTH impaled on all these tiny metal spikes. And He’s going to make me walk… and bend over…and sit… and He’ll slap my ass and squeeze it and dig those fucking points in and it quite literally terrifies me to tears.
Sometimes I think I simply cannot keep up with Him. That I can’t take everything He wants me to take. I’m not that heavy of a masochist.. I can’t, I can’t, I can’t. And then I sit down with a hot glue gun and a box of tacks and some pieces of leather and make the very things that make me want to run away.
Days like today make me want to yank the emergency brakes. When I’m not very confident in not only my ability to handle what’s coming, but His ability to do it without killing me. Killing isn’t always in body, you know? And then I think, or wonder… decide… that He might almost *have* to kill parts of me to get to me to a place where I will be able to take everything He’s going to dish out.
One of the things that scares me the most is that once He’s decided something, no matter what I say, it’s a done deal. And sometimes He’s just wrong. He’s not perfect… and He’s quick tempered and He’s prone to take the negative end of things. I mean, if something is sitting on the fence, He’s apt to see it negatively, rather than positively. Like, if I say or do something that He’s decided was meant to be disrespectful, even if that wasn’t my intent at all, it doesn’t matter. He’s already decided. Punishment comes soon after… and then, even if He decides that He was wrong and apologizes… that doesn’t change the fact that the punishment already happened. And punishment puts me into a headspace that’s difficult to get out of, no matter if I deserved it or not. Sometimes I feel like I’m in a box of nails, where no matter which way I turn I’m going to get stabbed. He punishes me if He’s decided I was disrespectful but He’s most unhappy when I reduce myself to “yes Master, whatever You say Sir”.
So obviously misunderstandings are still reigning supreme with us. I’m really having a hard time blaming myself with this one though. I mean.. punish me til the cows come home, I’ll submit, I always do. But I know when I’m right and I know when something is unfair. I don’t deliberately misunderstand things. I don’t go out of my way to piss Him off. When you send someone mixed messages, how can you be surprised that confusion follows?
How god damn confusing is a reward for taking a punishment? WTF.
On an unrelated note, Feldman is in heat. She stalking around half-mewing, half-purring, with her ass cocked in the air. And I’ll be god damned if I don’t do that too…:)
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Saturday January 28th, 2006 5:32pm
confusing and mixed messages.
I feel that I explained pretty darn well what I thought both online and then when you kept ranting and raving about it..on the phone as well…..
Here is what I said..folks…for being such a good girl lately..I WANT for my slave to go out and get a nice outfit, shirt, pants whatever…spend a lil money on it…..
Her response was that she wasn’t a good girl and got punished twice…true enough….she got punished..cuz when i ask a question..and put at the end of it..GOT IT…the only answer is yes Sir, No Sir, Yes Master or No Master..she KNOWS this..and did a yeah whatever. so I asked it again..and got the same answer…..she wasn’t being funny she WAS In a mood..and was pushing to see what i would do…so she got punished for it.
NOW….with regards to that. I told her..that BESIDES that.she HAS been a very good girl…..so if a person has been good 99.99% of the time..and just the .01% of the time she gets punished..she doesn’t deserve a reward..Hmmmmm….and what it really was….was I WANTED to see her in something new when I came home NEXT weekend..that I hid it behind a “reward” so I finally had to explain it TO HER that that is what I WANTED to see her in something NEW>….so NOW I look at this post..and I cringe……”"How god damn confusing is a reward for taking a punishment? WTF. “”…I mean I can only explain it several times..and all.. I think she’s just being difficult….Aunt Flow is there..and all..so who knows…but she will get a new outfit for me…like I stated before….we will get it together. *SMILES*.
Master of kaya
sweetheart, i don’t know what to say, other than to wrap my cyber arms around you and give you a huge big perfect warm cuddly cyber hug. – we have adverts over here for a packet soup, cupasoup, that are big cuddly furry monsters, 2 arms, no legs, no body, just 2 arms joined together with eyes in the middle… jumping on the person with the soup and wrapping their arms around their neck. Ah-ha.. i found a pic. http://www.adverblog.com/archives/img/cup_hug.jpg – see, that’s me, blue and furry, great at giving hugggggggggsssss!!!!
(Master is doing the “okkkayyyyyy” and backing away from me like i’m nuts thing….)
In all seriousness though.. you do sound terribly confused, sweetheart. and heart-heavy. I think maybe one of the hardest lessons that slaves like us have to learn is that Master isn’t perfect and that there are going to be times when punishment is unfair and unjust. I know for me it stings a LOT, when i’m being punished unfairly, especially as for me it was something my parents used to do to me a lot so i’m .. big on things being fair.
i can only suggest two things really: 1) talk to your Master about how you feel, if you can. (I think he reads all of these anyway doesn’t he?) 2) just accepting that maybe he wants to punish you just because he *can*… might help. either way it sounds like you got something to accept, girlie, and i know its tough.. cos i haven’t walked that path myself yet. In fact, every time i stare down it, the path disappearing into the darkness, darkness that looks back – i shiver in horror and back away. I do ANYTHING other than look down that path.. and here you are – looking the darkness in the face.
huggggggggggsssssssssss again – ya know where i am if you need to talk. just email me and i’ll meetcha where we met before (if you have permission).
keth
xxxxxxxxx
and very obviously your Master reads these as he replied while i was typing.. ooooooooops!
Oh yes Master reads faithfully. We’re working this out, we always do. And thank you for the hug, that picture was adorable.
Beautiful looking bra!! I will have to make one for my subs.
She’ll thank me I’m sure…lol
thanks
thanks to all you DIY bondage people, He is making me write this, to tell you that we are going shopping today, for a new bra and crotchless panties and gloves, because He wants me to have my very own vampire gear.
and then He wants to fuck me while i am wearing them. and He is wearing the gloves.
thanks
thanks a lot,
carla
Re: thanks
LOL.. you are so welcome! We’re all just sharin’ the love.
*snickers*