It’s Control, Bitches!
I do believe I’ve ranted about this topic before but it’s been more than two weeks so that makes it practically a new topic.
Besides, I haven’t ranted in forever. I’m due.
Why is it that every. single. blessed. time there is a discussion about what a dom will or will not allow his slave to do, people make some sort of comment about how “Well! My dom trusts me so he doesn’t CARE if I do that!”
Or “MY dom isn’t insecure so I’m allowed to do that.”
OR “If your dom won’t let you do that, there are bigger problems to work on in your relationship!”
*headdesk headdesk headdesk*
It always always ALWAYS ends up in some sort of pissing match over insecurity or trust or “issues”.
WHY CAN’T IT JUST BE ABOUT FUCKING CONTROL?
Huh? Why?
I mean, we ARE talking about dominants, right? You remember them? The ones who get to CONTROL you?
So, like, if I’m not allowed to go to a submissive-only slumber party, it MUST be because he can’t trust me. It could not possibly be ANY other reason, like, say, oh I don’t know, maybe he just doesn’t want me there? Maybe he thinks my ideas on submission should come from him? Maybe he prefers to have say in who I associate with? Maybe he wants to limit what I’m exposed to?
Maybe he wants to control me?!?!
I’m thinking that not being allowed to do the submissives retreat is probably NOT a sign of distrust. Or of “issues”. Or of his insecurity.
You know, when he left to go to work this morning, and left the car keys on the counter, his bank card in my purse, and the door unlocked, he wasn’t showing lots of signs of distrust or insecurity then.
But that he knows the password to my email account is over the cotton-pickin’ line, man!
I bet the reason he chains me to the bed at night is because he cannot trust me to stay there. I might sneak off and eat Twinkies all night or something.
(Actually I might do that. I <3 me some Twinkies. Or raspberry zingers. Nom nom nom)
Or here's a new one that made the rounds a bit ago:
If he's tossing his socks on the floor and expecting you to pick them up, it's clearly because he's a toddler looking to replace his Mommy.
Not that he bothered to secure himself a slave to do those things for him. Or hell, to wipe his ass if that's what he wants. He's the BOSS. I's the SLAVE. He says, I do. The End.
Or, if he's not requiring that you go to school or somehow better yourself for society, then he's a thumb-sucking tool. Nevermind that he's bettering you FOR HIS BENEFIT, he's supposed to be bettering you for society's benefit. Apparently, it's society's dick you're going to be sucking.
Or, let's see. If the two of you engage in a mutually consensual and fun-as-fuck scene that leaves you with *gasp* a black eye/broken rib/busted nose/ needing stitches/UTI--
Who the fuck cares? What business is it of ANYONES?
Here's a newsflash: Your kinks are just as fucked up.
No, seriously, they are. They aren’t TO YOU because you choose to engage in them and it’s nobody else’s concern what you do. And neither should theirs be of any concern TO YOU.
You aren’t somehow better because you do s&m-lite. They aren’t worse because they do s&m-extreme. We’re all sick fucks, doing s&m AT ALL.
Unless you were dragged into their scene and walked away with that injury?
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
If he’s happy and she’s happy?
Shut. The. Fuck. Up.
It’s one thing to say that a particular kink or fetish isn’t for you (forks anyone?). And it’s one thing to admit that a kink makes you wanna puke (scat anyone?). It’s entirely ANOTHER thing to be judge and jury of what’s acceptable in the entire world of bdsm.
Unless your kink is to make yourself look like as big of a piss-poor, whiney-ass, self-righteous bitch as you can possibly be. Then good job! Cuz it’s working splendidly.
I wonder… how many of you perverts out there are actually going to stop doing what makes you happy just because some bored housewife with a bitchy attitude has decided that you are doing it wrong.
Anyone?
Anyone?
Bueller?
Yeah. Didn’t think so.
Jeebus. I have never seen anyone need so badly to denigrate others in order to convince themselves of their own superiority.
Therapy. You need some.
Fetlife is bad for my blood pressure. Srsly.
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday January 12th, 2010 11:28am
I checked out today after the girl was like “My Dom and I don’t get along, so I’m going to kill myself…” Did you happen to see that one?
my head hurts from all the headdesking.
I don’t know. I think that we are almost too conditioned as a society by the !buzzwords of “if your man is controlling, then he’s insecure and also red flag” and forget that it really doesn’t always apply in this lifestyle.
Also, I’m not abused now. I’ve been abused. I get what that feels like. This is not it. I’m not justifying my husband’s abuse by calling it “a lifestyle”. No, we don’t do play parties and public kink. What we do is always in private… But shut up telling me that because he won’t do it to me in public that it’s abusive. Can’t we just be discreet? or shy, or uninterested in seeing other peoples junk drawers waving around in our faces?
[rq=1831468,0,blog][/rq]Spam is a delicacy in Russia
Kaya,
You just had to bring up the forks, didn’t you? I’m still squicking out about that one.
Seriously though, I hear your frustration. Don’t they realise that their reactions are the exact same reactions the anti-gay marriage people are giving? “I would never marry another man, so gay marriage is so wrong.” Sound familiar? Frankly, all of us sick fucks should be standing together, not slapping each other upside the head (unless that’s your kink).
Dave
BTW I know the anti-gay marriage arguements very well, since I used to be there myself.
I’m assuming you mean that you are no longer on the anti-gay-marriage side of the fence. If that’s the case…good for you. :)
[rq=1837139,0,blog][/rq]Public Post
Taken,
Yes, I’m no longer on that side of the fence, thank God.
Dave
*Applauds*
Thank god someone said it. i was too busy chewing on the leather strap to prevent myself from getting another smackdown *ahem* “friendly reminder” from TPTB at FL.
i <3 your blog. You say what i'm thinking, only clearer and more awesome. Yew Rawk.
Kaya, I so love your invective, it’s the main reason that I read here.
How’s that for a kink, :D
Warm hugs,
Paul.
[rq=1832849,0,undefined][/rq]If you register your site for free at
Oh how I love your rants… make my day! :) Brilliant!
everybody is crazy except me and thee…and sometimes i wonder about thee…..hehehehehe..you go girl!
I think I should join all of your groups. Burying my head in the sand and looking at Fet pictures is clearly not as entertaining as your path to enlightenment.
Should I ask my Dominant/Master/Husband/Lover/Owner if I can look at naked pictures or read groups, or should I just go ahead and do it? What group should I post that question in? Will he read the group if I don’t tell him? Will he care? If he doesn’t care then is he a bad man (as opposed to a Bad Man)?
Oh, wait. If I start reading and posting in those groups on Fetlife, he might remember the concept of high blood pressure and tell me to knock it off, lol.
Never mind. I think I’ll go browse your groups…
s
[rq=1833546,0,blog][/rq]Daddy Days
Yo, girl, can you pass me some twinkies?
Remember when it was a terrible and shocking thing if people thought your man, boyfriend, husband was controlling?
Of course it’s CONTROL!
Everybody always thinks their way is the right way. And everybody but my Dom is wrong. For me at least.
Are there more twinkies left in the box? Can I have another?
[rq=1834198,0,blog][/rq]A Community of Readers
Oh, I also wanted to say that just because He wants it that way, doesn’t mean that I never want to bitch about it…
[rq=1834242,0,blog][/rq]A Community of Readers
Totally off topic but……
HAPPY B-DAY!
Is it ok that every time I read one of your rants I crack up? I am supposed to be pissed off right along with you but you put it so comedically I just can’t help my self. I usually keep some of my hubby’s controlling “quirks” to my self because people do just what you describe. We aren’t even really Master/slave but he says the ring on my finger says we are ;)
He has my email password, every password I have actually, tells me who I can talk to, when I can go out, when I can pee for that matter. He has ALL the money, tells me what to wear when the mood strikes him and what to eat if he chooses. Hell, I even get a bed time if he is tired of seeing me that day :) And he does not do it for society, he does it to keep my head in the right place: up his behind. (well not literally, eeww, that is just plain gross) I don’t get a say, well actually I can say as much as I like, he just doesn’t listen unless he is in the mood to…so screw the naysayers. ya know?
tc
OK. First of all, Fetlife is just “bad” in general. The tone is mostly judgemental and negative, and for those of us who strive to maintain some sort of reasonable headspace, Fetlife is NOT helpful.
As for the rest… Control is the name of the game, and it is a game that most don’t get; don’t understand; don’t play.
When those people look at what we do, they don’t understand, and it scares them to death. What they say in reaction to that, isn’t any sort of real thing. Ignore it if you can.
hugs, swan
[rq=1834812,0,blog][/rq]Accentuate the Positive
This is probably a bit oversimplifying it but I don’t think most everyone disputes that what dominants do is exert control as is their “nature”, I think all the speculation is what source the control hails from… the inner thoughts and motivation that lead to a top’s final action. A lot of reasons behind why all of us as human beings do anything IS our personal insecurities and our wishes to balance ourselves by attaching ourselves to the right people and situations. But unless you sit down with someone and explore it, “insecure” or “immature” are only speculations, nothing more, because very few of us are psychotherapists who are worth a damn! Does anyone *need* to speculate on source of control when the relationship is centered around control? Yes and no. Yes because maybe knowing the source (by talking to top not speculating) might help you be better in meeting the top’s needs. No because if you are there to be controlled, it doesn’t make a difference to you so why bother?
I do agree that what goes on in a relationship is nobody’s business though… except that sometimes we just need to talk to people with similar experiences… even if it is just to hear ourselves talk. But “judging” truly IS a sign of insecurity because it expresses the need to be better than others. And of course, every human niche has its expert. I mean, you go on fitness forums and someone always knows better than you what’s right for your body they’ve never seen. There are jerks everywhere so deep breaths all around!
[rq=1835298,0,blog][/rq]First things first
I haven’t had this actual ARGUMENT yet (but I’ve read yours on fetlife! hee), but I have had Master’s mom telling us some ridiculous things about our dynamic. IE: Don’t help the cripple.
However, I make it a point to be passively-aggressively-submissive around her.
“Mister Ghost (I call him that!), would you like some milk?”
“nah, I’m fine.”
“-steals his empty milk glass, refills it, refills his crannaberry sauce- Sorry, sir, but it was empty.”
MM: “You don’t have to do stuff like that for him!”
“Well I’d be a poor mate if I didn’t. Wouldn’t I.”
(akshuly, there will be a blogpost about this in the near future!)
very well put! :-)
Kaya,
Been reading your blog for a while and must say I love the rants the most :) Couldn’t agree with your more on this one. Keep it up and your blood pressure down lol
Swan said…
“OK. First of all, Fetlife is just “bad” in general. The tone is mostly judgemental and negative,”
Trust me, Fetlife is intelligent, supportive and welcoming compared to certain other sites I shall leave un-named.
Now where is my twinkie?
i deleted my fet account long ago because i felt it became a place for massive of idiots in glass houses to throw stones…
i find your point of view to be completely realistic. Overall, people should just respect other people’s choices so long as that is what it all is in raw form- a choice!
And i am still trying to picture society’s dick; the visual this brings is scaring me…badly! ;)
[rq=1842516,0,blog][/rq]TMI Tuesday 1/12/10
My Gawd woman…you make my day…so fucking funny….and so …unusual, too. Kaya on a rant? whodathunk it??
nilla,
who is feeling very verrah silly today. and thats my kink. so stfu if you don’t like it (hee-stole that line from Kaya.and will use it often)
[rq=1844672,0,blog][/rq]Pain
forks?? can you enlighten me on that one?
Uh oh, someone asked. We’re doomed, I tell you, doomed! hehe
Oh geez, did you have to remind me about the forks?
I just love it when you mention forks :)
I hope you had a great birthday (I’m still trying to ignore my looming one…)
[rq=1851261,0,blog][/rq]That thing around my neck
<3 I had just finished reading that thread. Great rant.
I smiled at him and reminded him that according to the interwebz, he really must make me miserable more often because I'm obviously simply enjoying the control too much.
[rq=1851650,0,blog][/rq]Tangelo Tangent
I saw that thread. I don’t usually even bother responding anymore. To me, those posts are akin to the “what if he cuts your arm off” posts.
*claps loudly and a wee bit insanely* … that shit drives me bonkers. Gah.
AMEN…that’s all.
[rq=1872551,0,blog][/rq]have a fucking drink on me
Did you see the one where one of the nameless ones insisted I give a reason for my man’s view of hierarchy? That was cute.
[rq=1887341,0,blog][/rq]The One Where I Give M More Ammunition for His Arsenal
Ok, obviously I missed something that happened while I was gone overseas…on FetLife I am assuming. Tee-hee. But from what I gather, I’m glad that I did not see it! My theory (actually the Capn’s LAW)…he is in charge, I am what he is in charge of. He says, I do. End of Story. Like you, I feel that there is not a distinctive right way/wrong way in BDSM..it is just whatever way works for you. So to those that claim some of us ‘don’t do it right”—just kiss my pinkpoppet ass and STFU! Tee-hee. Damned I’m glad to be back where I can read this stuff and comment again!
[rq=1894537,0,blog][/rq]The Most Versatile Word. F-U-C-K.
Lovely and brilliant!
He IS the boss.. that’s the way it is. We don’t do things (or do them) becasue HE wants it that way. Done.
Everyone is a little different. Everyone runs their lives as they see fit for them. God if we had carbon copies of our doms… how BORING!!! What works for mine may not work for yours. Gah.. is that a hard concept?! No not really…
Your patience is amazing. Those types of statements would drive me around the bend! :)
Loves ya sweets!
I loved this post…..it came right when one of my FL “friends” decided that it was all about her and not her Master. I lost a lot of respect for her. It helped to know that I was not the only one saying WTF to this behavior……
Oh god, this is soooo on my top 1 list of shit i need to talk about, i am gonna copy this on my journal and use it as the jumping off point to rant quite a bit…. i haven’t got much time on line these days– changing my whole life within a period of weeks is strange… fantasy come to life. But in between, i need to keep grounded in WHY i am doing it– and you are one of my ground points. LOVE YOU mah twisty freind!
[rq=1964095,0,blog][/rq]Calgon, take me AWAY!
Thank You so much for the rant!!! Repeat as necessary!
[rq=1978539,0,blog][/rq]Play and the daily grind