It was the best of times, it was the worst of times…
If I had to describe last weekend in one word, it would be ‘intense’. The whole weekend was intense on every level. It seemed everything we did was done at the highest energy level possible.
With the exception of that last spanking..lol Every time I look at those stupid paddle ball paddles, I just think wtf?? Master is giving me an “out” though and has said it was only because I was so sore from the needles earlier that day. Which is probably true, but it’s still kind of rocked my foundation a bit. I really don’t like this s&m-lite that we seem to be sinking in to. I can’t just say that He’s not pushing me to take it either and blame it all on that, when I’m the one dancing away from it all the time. What we need are several days alone so we can reestablish some facts. Maybe I’ll see about arranging that soon. The kids need to visit grandma I think.
The needle play wasn’t light, but it wasn’t heavy either. Someone asked why the endorphins didn’t kick in and that’s easy to answer. There wasn’t time. My endorphin/adrenaline “high” will come in time, but it’s not instantaneous. And that birthday task was fast. It had to be. Any other Sunday morning, the kids sleep til noon. Last Sunday? Not a chance. It’s like they know we’re up to something, the little creeps. Master had inserted about 10 of the 40 needles when there was the rap of little knuckles against the bedroom door.
Now, the kids are old enough to fend for themselves so shooing them away was no problem. We debated whether to press on with the needle play or quit and pick it up again later. I begged to finish it. That had been hanging over my head for over a week already, it was started and once I’d experienced just how painful it was going to be, it only would have increased my angst about it if it was going to be postponed any longer. So we cranked up the music and finished it. Quickly. Quietly. And without any chance for endorphins to kick in.
What are the other options though? This is BDSM with kids in the house and it sucks ASS. We either don’t play at all, which sends my masochistic little ass into a complete tailspain, or we take chances, we do it fast, we sneak it in, and deal with the issues of not having the time to get to the “high”, and of not being able to play hard. Which also sends me into this particular tailspin. I start to question whether I’m a masochist at all when everything seems hard and harsh and it just hurts and there is no release of the pressure that’s building. It’s just plain old pain. It’s as magical as smacking my head on the open cupboard door, and just about as therapeutic.
I’m not blaming Master at all. Hell, they’re MY kids so if anyone is responsible for this, it’s me. And I’m not blaming the kids either. I’m just bitching about the circumstances and trying to figure out how to make this better or easier or… something. I’d like the pot at the end of the rainbow, please.
We fought this weekend, Master and I. We do that. That was intense, it always is. There is only one thing that we ever fight over and that’s because it’s the one and only thing that I still have control of. The kids.
Sometimes I get so incredibly frustrated with Him. He’s.. well He is who He is. He’s a Dom and He encompasses every personality trait that Dom-type people share. He’s controlling and strict and has high expectations. He’s anal, nit-picky, He’s a hard-ass. All of those things work out great for me. Not so much with the kids.
He’s not trying to “dom” the kids, or not meaning to I should say. He’s my Master, not theirs and that’s not a line that He intends to cross. But asking Him to not be all those things is like asking Him to not breathe. It’s who He is to His very core and it’s *work* to not let those attributes of Him bleed over onto the kids.
Sometimes I just want to shake the ever-loving shit right out of Him and scream at Him. Look at these kids! Look and compare them to what’s going on in the world around you. Read the newspaper, watch the talk shows, talk to your neighbors and get an idea of what difficult kids are like. These kids are fucking *angels* compared to some kids. We’re not dealing with any of the big issues that some families have to deal with. They don’t steal, they don’t drink, they don’t do drugs, they don’t lie. They aren’t sneaking out at night, they aren’t having sex. They don’t scream and cuss at us or call us names, they don’t hit or punch or kick.
The list could go on and on of the things that they *don’t* do. I know how lucky I am with my kids. I know how bad it could be. I was raised in a family where things were horrible, where those issues listed up there were in abundance and I am damn grateful to not have those things in my house.
And when everything seems to go to hell in a handbasket for the mild flaws they *do* have, I’m just flabbergasted at the whole process. They do get mouthy, they do have “attitude” (does any teen NOT??), they should shut the lights off and flush the toilet and pick up their messes and keep their voice tone even and respectful all the time. They should, but they don’t. To me, not a big deal. This is normal growing up shit, minor CRAP that doesn’t even put a wrinkle in my day. I correct it and let it go. Then I correct them again a day later when they do it again. And let it go.
Master sees those things as Big Issues. He’s waiting for me to “fix it”. Just how many times do they have to be told to turn off their bedroom lights? How many times does He have to be answered in that tone of voice that only a hormonal 14 yr old girl can do? And why haven’t *I* stepped up to the plate and “fixed it” yet??
And this is where we fight. I’m not getting through to Him, I’m sick and tired of being in the middle. I can’t “fix” them. I never will be able to. They will always be testing the rules and pushing the limits. Always, until the day they move out.
He gets pissed off and throws His hands in the air with the whole “fuck THIS” attitude. He’s being disrespected in His home (or so He perceives it), He’s not fully appreciated for what He’s doing for them, I’m not enforcing His rules on them, they aren’t listening, they aren’t trying… and my only response for all of that is “Welcome to parenting.” And you know what? It’s not going to get any easier. We’re just beginning the teen years here. It is only going to get worse. And no, I can’t “fix” them. If I could, if parenting were as easy as only having to say something once, wouldn’t I be a fucking millionaire? Doesn’t every parent *wish* it were that easy?
And I also know that every parent struggling with real issues would give their right arm to have children like mine. I appreciate that for what it means.
So I give up. I sit on the bed, pull the blanket over my head, and cry. I think “this is just too fucking HARD. I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to have to move out and get my kids into a place where it’s OKAY to make a mistake. I’m just too tired to DO this anymore.”
And then cry even more when I realize over and over again that I can’t. I can’t leave Him. I could never leave Him, not in a million years. He’s my life. And I tell myself the kids are fine. So they get nagged at to shut off a light and they are expected to not answer us like we’re scum of the earth and they have to say please and thank you. They have to earn their allowance and not have it handed to them. Is that so bad, so hard?? Other kids certainly have worse parents. He’s not expecting impossible things from them at all. And on top of all of that, He LOVES them. He takes care of them. He shows them affection and commitment and in return, He wants a little respect. That’s not so much to ask, is it?
I cry myself to sleep.
I wake up to find that the three of them, without me, have worked it all out. He talked, they listened. They talked, He listened. They’ve come up with strategies and code words to utter. They’ve aired their feelings and issues and explained their positions. They’re happily chattering away about day to day stuff, as if nothing ever happened.
It all just makes me cry even more. Apparently, this is what families do. They fight, they make up. But me? I wanted to run. They are a family. The three of them. I’m the one who doesn’t know how to do it. I’ve been running away from this my whole life. Now I can’t run.
That’s kind of scary. The only person who has ever attempted to “help” me raise my kids was my mother, and she did it by trying to pull them away from me. Nobody else has ever tried very hard, and I’ve clutched my Mothering Rights in an iron fist. My attitude has always been “Nobody will tell me how to raise my kids ever again. If you don’t like it, move the fuck on. We’re fine by ourselves, thanks.”
Master is not going to “move the fuck on”, nor do the kids want to. They actually *like* Him and see the strife and discord of this as manageable. ‘Irritating but no biggie’ (to quote Am). Where does that leave me? That iron fist is holding on to smoke I think. They’re going to do this without me, while I huddle in the corner and cry? Um, yes. They are. I feel like I’m being usurped.
Honestly, I don’t know how to join in.
~cunt
(Would you believe I started this post with the intention of talking about the intense sexual encounters of the weekend? Talk about tangents! I guess my brain had something it wanted to say and it was louder than my cunt. The good news is that I started my period this morning so this month’s emotional hurricane should be winding down now. Maybe I can manage smut later. I’m also reporting that the boy-type-child is home sick (still!) so no Torture Task pictures today. Maybe tomorrow.)
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday February 13th, 2007 10:36am
All you have to do is uncurl your fingers and open your fist, baby. It will be ok.
He isn’t (as you know) being unreasonably – and the fact that He and the kids can sit down and work through it … appreciate that because it takes you out of the middle.
It’s never easy, blending families, adjusting to what is and isn’t realistic expectations with kids. They won’t die from being nagged, though, and since they love Him and want Him around, they will learn to shrug it off and deal with it. Makes a great learning tool for how to deal with bosses later in life.
As for how you join in – it’s the same as all the rest baby. Just jump. They will all be there to catch you.
:-*
Am I thrusting myself in the middle? They seemed to manage so much better once I’d extracted myself from it (by going to sleep).
And why does *that* make me cry too? They don’t need me? I’m part of the problem? I AM the problem? What happens if I let go? Who am I then.
Nothing but…
*sigh*
I’m such a drama queen.
In a way, yes, you are thrusting yourself in the middle – because, like you said, this is the one area where you still have some semblance of control. They manage better only because they don’t bring the same fears and anxieties (and baggage) that you bring to the issues.
Of course they need you – all of them, Him included. And it isn’t so much that you are the problem, it’s that you .. well, have your issues.
What happens if you let go? Well, one of two things, really – the same two things anytime you close your eyes and jump (or open your clenched fist and let go) – either you will fall flat on your face, or you will fly.
Personally – I bet you will fly. You all will. I’d bet on my baby’s head, girlfriend. That’s how sure I am.
You will still be the same person you are right now. You will still be His slave and wife, you will still be their mother.
And you will be a lot more relaxed.
Trust me.
:-*
But you know if I fall flat on my face, it’s not just me that’s at stake here.
I don’t think I can do it. But I can’t not do it either. Not unless I want to be doing this same cycle of bullshit for the next 7 years. (No thanks!)
I need a drink. And I don’t even drink!
So the first thing you ask yourself is: What is the absolute worst thing that could happen? Then ask yourself how likely that is.
Fear makes everything worse, makes it seem worse, brings out the worst in us. What I keep reading between the lines (and not so between) is you are scared.
Now – what do you do when you are scared?
Trust your Man, trust your kids, trust yourself.
:-*
Well actually the post about your kids is interesting. :)
Thanks. :)
It does sound like a toucgh situation but it also sounds like all parties involved are mature enough to step upto the plate and work it out like adults:)
I sure hope so. :)
That’s why they say it takes two to make and raise the wee ones. Two points of view, two sets of ears, two sets of eyes. Two people who look at things two entirely different ways. You will NOT always agree, you are not supposed to. You both have strengths that complement each other’s weaknesses (I know impossible to believe, but you BOTH do ya know)
You are not just trying to raise good kids, you are responsible for the children of their generation by raising good adults. So they are good kids, mine are too. No big horrible problems, no drugs, no sneaking out no stealing no *bad* things. But it also doesn’t kill them to be polite, to not speak in tones that are disrespectful, to flush the toilet and turn off a light. Instead of telling yourself only how lucky you are that they are only a tiny bit teen-agery also congratulate yourself on a job well done and step it up a bit. Work on the little things. Don’t settle, aspire higher.
They will not suddenly turn into coke snorting, house robbing, sexually active people because they must speak respectfully to you and your husband or because they must pick up after themselves.
Just as He is not their Master, you are not *their* slave.
You were a package deal and He knew it going in, obviusly He isn’t going anywhere.
You have every right to be proud of them, but should you stop at where they are at? Would you? Just because you can do something in an average fashoin would you settle for that? Let’s say that you are decent at service to Himself…would you settle for that? Would you remind Him how lucky He is that you do it all? WOuld you tell HIm that it could be much worse? Or…would you continue to work and improve upon what you are already capable of? If His sex drive suddenly diminished, if He wanted sex twice a month, would you be satisfied with Him telling you that it could be worse? That other people don’t even get that much? That the twice a month is great so why complain about getting anymore sex?
Perhaps even though they weren’t born to Him, He might just be capable of knowing what is good for them also?
Sometimes I think I should stick to keeping my mouth shut. Maybe it’s none of my business, but I think youa re doing a great job and I see nothing wrong with either of you (the two people who are parenting these people) wanting it to be even better.
It isn’t a choice to *join in* you already are *in* you just don’t see it sometimes.
Is it that you are, as their parent, the only one who knows exactly how to raise *your* kids or is it that it scares you to realize that even that one thing that you have some degree of control over should actually not be entirely yours?
Just my perspective.
magdala~
I see you’re point, but let me see if I can explain it a little bit better. Or differently anyway.
Master’s approach to disobedience with me is *even*. There is no ‘punishment to fit the crime’ rule in place. A broken rule is a broken rule is a broken rule, no matter if I’ve eaten two M&M’s without permission or chopped my hair into a butch-cut. That’s fine for me (and even I, at the age of 36, mess up. And OFTEN.)
He tends to view things with the kids the same way. I don’t. A forgotten bedroom light is nowhere near the same as disappearing for 4 hours without telling anyone where you are. Leaving a plate on the coffee table is not synonymous with saying “fuck you”. So I don’t apply the same discipline to those “minor” things, whereas He would like me to. He lumps it all into “disrespect or disobedience”, and I pick my battles. Does that make sense?
I’m not appealing to Him to let them get away with any of those things. I get on them about lights and shoes on the floor too. But not with the severity that He does, or that He wants me to. And I won’t. I just plain ol’ don’t see some things as Big Issues that warrant a complete ‘hammering down’. In my opinion, you save punishments, like grounding, etc, for the Big Issues.. and don’t slap them down every time they do leave a light on.
So He and I butt heads. I’m not proposing that they are “good enough so leave them alone”, I’m only asking for a recognition of how good they *are* and giving them some credit for making the right decisions *most* of the time, therefore cutting some slack on the more insignificant ‘broken rules’.
You should never keep your mouth shut, babycakes. I need the perspective of people like you. PLEASE don’t keep your mouth shut.
Is it that you are, as their parent, the only one who knows exactly how to raise *your* kids or is it that it scares you to realize that even that one thing that you have some degree of control over should actually not be entirely yours?
Yes. Absolutely. And I am too afraid to let it go.
Amen!
Babygirl, if it helps any, Himself and I have an almost identical problem. I also do not lump leaving the lights on with staying out all night and a smart mouthed (joking) answer is not disrespect…but He does. To Him, it’s all the same, big or little and all put in the pot at the same time.
I *think* you run into the same problem I do, validation. Acknowledge that they are *good* without making the little things seem so *HUGE* but it doesn’t seem to work that way.
When I had my very first little one it was difficult for me to allow anyone else to do anything. The Other couldn’t diaper the way I did, wash bottles the way I did, wrap the child in a blanket *right* or anything else that I did the same way I did it. So it wasn’t right. It finally hit me one day that I was killing myself doing it all and all my way and that the child did not die when the Other changed his diaper. Even though it wasn’t done exactly *my* way! Imagine that! By the time I hit number 4 or so, as long as the baby had a diaper on I didn’t care anymore!
Fast forward to introducing a new parent. It was the same thing all over again only they were little people instead of diapered babies (well almost all of them, we still had diapers)
Sometimes I think (in the back of my mind) that He will love me less, want me less or something if I don’t get it all right with the children all the time. That somehow if one of them screws up, I am less desirable. The pitfalls of a second (or third or fourth or whatever relationship) That if *I* don’t keep them exactly the way He wants them then it will be over. Well, dollbaby if that were the case He would have run screaming and thanking the moon htat He got away a very long time ago.
He and I are supposed to look at it different. He has things He thinks are important, I have things I think are important, the only real important thing though…is a balance. I am too easy on them sometimes, He is too hard assed on them sometimes, we temper on anothers reactions and it winds up somewhere in the middle which is probably the best place. Not too easy but not too hard on them either. It works. If you let it.
The problem with cutting them slack on the little things…too much slack leads to hanging themselves. 10 minutes late one night can lead to 30 minutes which can lead to an hour. They will try and try again till they find the place that makes you blow up….you know that. They always test their limits to see how far they can go. Nip it in the bud is His policy. Treat 1 minute as 30 and they won’t try for 30. The point being that the child broke the rules. 1 minute is still breaking the rules. The rules are there to protect and guide. If they don’t get results from 1 minute then they will try for 30. It happens.
You know as well as I do that your kids know exactly how far they can push you on almost anything. They know exactly how many times you will tell them to take the trash out before they actually have to do it. They know exactly how many times they can “forget” to pick up their things before they absolutely have to. They have learned this behaviour. They are perfectly capable of re-learning it too. They are perfectly capable of being told once to do something instead of 4 times before they actually do it.
Being part of a parenting team and yet the only parent around all week makes it even harder. There is no one there to catch you when you just flat out do not feel like making a big deal out of anything.
It takes two (or more) and that it why His hard assed responses work so well with your easier ones.
He knows they are good kids and that it could be worse…He knows that. That is why He is so hard on them…they have so much potential to be even better. They are not incapable of the small things they are not living up to their potential and He finds that frustrating. (my opinion…I could be entirely off base of course, just basing it on what happens here) If He did not think that they were good kids He wouldn’t try so hard to make the little things better.
Damn I am still rambling around in thoughts. Completely disorganized. And mouthy. Opinionated. Heh. Sorry babygirl, this is what happens when I bottle everything up!
Everything you said makes so much sense. Of course there is still that voice in the back of my head going “but but but…”
You know what some of it is? I hate conflict. I hate arguing. I hate negativity. I want hearts and candy all the damn time and I want everyone to get along and I don’t care how unrealistic that is. I want it.
He’s only home for two days. You know what thats like! How awful is it that those two days can sometimes be nothing but one gripe after another. How sad is that the kids look forward to Him coming home… and then He’s just a nit-picking, nagging (ass) (I didn’t say that) for those two days.
Why can’t He just ignore lights for two damn days? Why does He have to ruin His time at home with this silly bullshit?
And why can’t the kids just shut the damn lights off? Its not like they don’t know! Why do they set themselves up to BE nagged at?
So I sit in the middle, literally in the middle, between them, while they spit fire at each other or while He’s lecturing and they’re rolling their eyes, just waiting for Him to shut up so they can “escape” the room.. and I.Just.Fucking.Hate.It.
I don’t know how many times I’ve declared myself done. Quit my “post” as referee. I’m not picking sides, I’m not doing *anything*. Y’all work it out, leave me out of it. It’s not my fight.
But I can’t do it. Inevitably I feel like it’s my duty to “protect” my kids from injustice. And He can be entirely too unrealistic in what He expects. They are still kids, and not little adults. They are going to act like kids.. and that doesn’t mean that they are purposely being disobedient or lazy just to irritate Him.
I know He means well. I do. And He can be really really good with them sometimes, better than me! I appreciate that more than I can express.
The negative harping gets to me though. I dont like it.
:(
Yeah, I’m a ‘pick your battles’ kind of parent, too. Some things just aren’t as big a deal to me as others are.
Rugrat (almost 17) does the same annoying things like leaving the lights on and occasional ‘lippy attitude,’ and yet she’s not out drinking herself silly, so I choose not to sweat the small stuff.
But I’ve never had anyone in the home with me except the rugrats, so I have no idea how I’d deal with another adult doing the parenting, too.
It’s hard. I mean, it’s easy for someone to say “well they are your kids so you should get to decide what battles to pick” but it’s Master’s home too. He has to live here and He has every right to expect to be happy in His own house. I just always feel like I’m right in the middle. It sucks.
Honey, you aren’t right in the middle…you are right beside Him. You both want what is best for the children, you both want them to grow into happy, healthy functioning adults. You both want these things. Working together will get them there.
magdala~
PS: Patience woman on the whole kid free times! I’ll have you know that I am older than you (slightly hehe) and Himself is much older than your Master and yet we have younger kidlets! Every time you think yours will never be out of the house….think of mine! Himself could be in a nursing home before the wee one gets around to moving out! Patience!!!!
I can related to the last 1/4 of this post when you talk about “family” and wanting to run away and how you “dont know how to join in”
I felt, and still feel the same way, with my Owner and her partner, we tried to have a leather family but it didnt work out.
in some ways i blame myself for running away instead of staying and talking it out.
I’m sorry. :(
*shrugs* these things happen
with a bio family you cant run away.
we are working on it. like any family it takes work
I don’t know what it is but after 21 years I’m still getting yelled at to turn off my bedroom light. Either by my dad at home, or by my roommate here at school. I don’t think it ever ends.
But I’m glad that they were able to work things out on their own. You’ll catch up. I can’t imagine how scary this is for you as a Mom, but think of it this way, He loves them. He loves them enough to get on their cases about silly things, just like He loves you enough to keep your ass on track. Hang in there, it’ll all work itself out before you know it!
*Hugs*
pup
lol.. and Master still yells at me to turn off the lights. I’m 36. You’re right. It never ends.
Hi kaya,
I could relate to a lot of your post. I have two young children and I know they seem to be the number one reason why I fight with Master Anakin. He’s got different parenting methods than me. I also hear ya on the anal, nit picking thing with your Master. :) *big smiles*
BIG HUGS
padme
Thanks padme. :)
It sounds to me like that’s what he’s doing. That he IS crossing that line. It sounds an awful lot like your Master is trying to dom your kids, whether it be intentional or not. He cannot expect the same obedience and respect of them that he expects of you. There’s a completely different power dynamic. They’re kids and he’s an adult, yeah, he helps provide for them, yeah, but you are their parent, not him. I’m not saying he shouldn’t have input or ever act in a disciplinary fashion but they did not give up their individual personal will to him. You did. They’re not his property by proxy or something. Being a parent is NOT the same thing as being a dom. Dom’s aren’t so good at learning when they have to back off, in recognizing that there are certain things they don’t have a right to control. At least in my experience. And you can’t “control” your children. It sounds like he needs to learn that.
re: your kids-
There’s nothing to fix. You don’t “fix” people. My adolescence was a living hell. I was really out of control. It’s an incredibly difficult time, everything is changing, you’re exploring boundaries, trying to establish an identity, etc. You do sound blessed with your children, in that they seem to be handling it much better than I did. Now I can appreciate what I put my family through but at the time I couldn’t. I don’t think it was a matter of selfishness or being immature for my age-I was just too deep in it. They’re dealing with it well but they don’t see it from your end, they don’t see the fights you have with your master about them, they don’t know how you struggle. I don’t think your fist is filled with smoke.
Hush, you. Stuff and nonsense. There’s no handbook to being a family, no “right way” and you know it.
That’s kind of what I’m trying to say. Being a Dom, or having those kind of personality traits is who He is. It’s as natural to Him as breathing. It is hard for Him to *not* expect the same rsponse from them that He expects from me. But He does try to keep that in check, it’s just really hard for Him to do. He never sets out with the intention of “domming” them though.
He tries. I have to give Him credit for that. He tries harder than anyone ever has. It’s just tough.
i can really relate to so much of this.
When Sir and i got together my girls were 16, 14 and 11. He didn’t have any kids of his own, and his expectation of what kids were like (or what they were supposed to be like) wasn’t very realistic.
He just decided early on that he’d leave the parenting of them up to me. That was great for me – i’d always done the parenting of the girls – their father was a bad dad. The problem was, he’d vent to me about them and their flaws (many of the same gripes your Master has with your kids) and i’d end up defending them – or worse, agreeing with him and blowing this way out of proportion to the girls themselves. i HATE being in that position.
We’ve resolved most of this. He does still vent to me from time to time (just like i vent to him), but if i feel it escalating i tell him that i need a break from talking about it otherwise i can’t keep my perspective. i remind us both that they are good girls and we’re lucky.
Now my oldest is almost 21 and has been on her own for a year now. Most of the teen angst in our lives is over.
Of course, he and i have had Eli together and have this last little one on the way (first week of April). Which throws yet another wrench into the BDSM cogs.
We’ve been through all the S&M with teens in the house stuff – even though my kids are very aware of the nature of our relationship (hiding toys, being quiet, missing parties because of Family Game Night, skipping playing together because we’re just too freakin’ exhausted to do any more than collapse at night, etc). It IS hard. i learned how to NOT scream and he learned all the ouchie toys he can play with that don’t make much sound (breath-play, cutting, and canes top his favorites).
It’s so hard to keep all the balls in the air and not feel like you’re going crazy. i just wanted to let you know that i understand, and i have faith that it’ll work out.
Sorry for the super-long reply.
He just decided early on that he’d leave the parenting of them up to me.
That’s supposed to be what’s in place here too. But it never ends up that way. He can’t not interject. And if I’m not doing it the way He would do it, then as far as He’s concerned, I’m not doing it at all. And if I’m not going to “step up to the plate” then He feels like He has to.
The problem was, he’d vent to me about them and their flaws (many of the same gripes your Master has with your kids) and i’d end up defending them – or worse, agreeing with him and blowing this way out of proportion to the girls themselves. i HATE being in that position.
EXACTLY. I get incredibly defensive when He starts to vent. I see it as an attack on *me* and a listing of my failures as a parent. I get very angry and just fed up with hearing the list of negatives about my kids. It’s that old saying “I can insult my family but nobody else better!”
But then I’ll turn around after He leaves for the week and lecture the kids, not because I agreed with anything He said necessarily, but because I’m upset that they’ve “caused” this strife between He and I.
I hate it too. All of it.
Thanks for understanding. You can leave long replies any time you want to. :)
yes, Tthey are going to
do it without you. Tthey are also going to do it WITH you, babycakes. you do TOO know how to do this – just the way you are. All of them love you -all of them! – and they will just pick you up and carry you along until you have something to add.
And it is smoke you’re grabbing at. babycakes – the moment you married Him, you gave up exclusive rights to parenting your kids. There is no more moving the fuck on. And He loves them. Master S is just as strict with Oour two. He nags them for not turning off lights, for not calling, for talking in “that tone of voice.” Asking Him to not be a Master is silly – and the kids know it too. As a matter of fact, my kids – neither of whom will EVER EVER be even submissive, let alone slave – are learning from HIM how to fill their life’s destiny as Masters in their own rights. Thank Gawd Someone can do it for them; i sure as hell can’t.
love ya. it gets better. i haven’t cried myself to sleep over this kind of stuff for about 5 years. other stuff, well . . .
k
Re: yes, Tthey are going to
What do you do when you absolutely don’t agree though?
I know it seems too much at times, but you are blessed in the family you have, as you already know. It’s just a fact of life that these fights will happen, He only wants the best for you and the kids…and well kids will be kids. I grew up with a hard ass step dad, but he was abusive and didn’t ever try to talk through things or give mom the ability to enforce rules (he would undermind her and try to take away her control of even us, eventhough we weren’t his kids). When we would “speak out of turn” we wouldn’t get yelled at, it was act first, talk later if at all…and that was when he was gracious enough to even care about us and what we did. Just trying to give a little perspective.
Breathe honey, these things happen, but you have a family held together by love…in the end that’s all the matters.
you have a family held together by love…in the end that’s all the matters.
Thank you.
*massive sized hugs*
Hugs back. :)
Jeez I wish my childhood was that nice! Although you say that the children are the only area where you have control, you don’t seem to have much of it. (Absolutely no offense intended here! – I just can’t think of a better way to say it.) You have _authority_ over the children, but not so much control. No parent does, actually. It sounds like the very reason these kids aren’t into drugs and weapons and getting/making others pregnant, is because of that very authority and strict hand at home. When leaving a light on becomes “big”, sneaking out to smoke pot and shoot out neighbors’ windows with stolen handguns becomes unthinkable.
While you are telling yourself the kids could be so much worse, next time remind yourself that home life could be so much worse too. He doesn’t come home drunk and beat or rape you or the kids. Nobody is selling drugs out of your house. The cops aren’t knocking on your door _again_. CPS does not threaten weekly to come and take the kids. He’s not pimping you out to friends and neighbors to support his crack habit.
Yeah, it’s an uncomfortable balance, but all-in-all, things could be much worse, and everyone will grow and learn and in the end everyone will still be ok and love each other.
You really do sound like you could use a break though, and I could think of nothing better than a weekend in a hotel with all the toys and no interruptions. I hope you can arrange something soon.
Best wishes to you and your family.
LM
“When leaving a light on becomes “big”, sneaking out to smoke pot and shoot out neighbors’ windows with stolen handguns becomes unthinkable.”
This is one of the wisest things I’ve ever heard.
You said many many intelligent and thought-provoking things. Thank you.
Wow. We’re vanilla, and both the biological parents of our child, and this sounds a lot like everyday life to me. I thought every set of parents fought over the kids. I mean, what is more important than your child(ren)? Asking your children to be respectful and follow the rules isn’t “domming” them! It’s parenting. What’s arguable isn’t the what, it’s the how, and there are as many different ideas on the proper how as there are different people. Of course it’s more upsetting than anything else … because it matters more than anything else. Hang in there. You just sound like a regular family to me….
Alpha
You’re right. Maybe I’m hyper-sensitive to it appearing like He’s “domming”.
What could be more appropriate? They’re your kids; you love them. It’s your job to protect them. We had been married for over a decade before we had our child, but it changed everything. And there is nothing that I am more sensitive to than how my spouse interacts with said child. Sometimes to the point of crazy-making. It just goes with the territory.
One of my biggest issues with my EX was summed up here. But she wanted it all from me. She wanted me to be a father to them – but also wanted to contradict me — Sometimes in front of them.
OH HELL NO.
You have to tell yourself that they are Your kids. It will take time for the meshing of them and Him to really work itself out.
I try really hard not to contradict Him in front of them. I know how damaging that is. But I fail sometimes. And I feel awful but when I do it, it’s because I don’t feel like I have a choice.
We definitely need to come up with another way to handle things like that. That’s not going to work at all.
Best and worst
Takes both to make a whole. (Universal TRuth)
ie- good/bad or big stuff/little stuff or kind/mean or lucky/unlucky or black/white or strict/lenient or biological/chosen or hormonal/sane
If you feel “apart”, who moved?
When you point a mental finger at someone, if your honest and deep, it’ll turn out to be the thing(s) you don’t like about yourself.
On that same kind of thought:
The attraction to someone is a reflection of the things/traits you admire in yourself (or would like to)
These are just some of my “Reality Filters” I use them when I have head dilemmas.
For what it’s worth.
Hugs
mel
Re: Best and worst
Gah! Don’t make me examine myself missy!..lol.. you’re just supposed to pat me on the head and *soothe* me. ;)
So many things I need to think about in what you wrote. Thank you.
Blended families are never easy kaya, but more than worth it. And i am speaking from your Master’s side of this now as a step-mom.
Joining a ready made family is not easy for any of the people involved but more than worth the time and effort.
We still have issues and we still do not agree on the kids at times. If your Master is anything like the kind of step-parent i am, he is fustrated not because he feels disrespected but because he loves the kids as much as if they were his own but is not their biological dad.
i overstep boundries all the time because i love and care about the kids. This is especially true of Nick who lives with us. i just have to remind myself that i am not their Mom and do everything i can not to interfere with that relationship (which is not easy or something that i have mastered yet but i continue to try). i have different reactions and different ways i think something should be handled but i am NOT their mom.
And i just wonder if this is dilema your Master is having.
Having said all of that, i would not give up my kids for a second and they truly are mine and i am sure He feels the same. Talk to Him about this and stop beating yourself up about it.
you’re allowed to be human you know!
Hugs and happy Valentines to all of you!
Thank you. I think a lot of what you said resonated with Master.
*hugs*
you are more than welcome, glad i could help and that the two of you talked about it.
Happy Valentine’s day and i so hope you get CHOCOLATE!
*hugs back at ya*
And one thing i forget..
We also have trouble finding time to be alone intimately.. which is why we got a hotel room last weekend to celebrate an early Valentines and are going to try and do this at least once a month or every two months.
This has an added bonus.. you can make as much “noise” as you want in a hotel room without the kids knocking on the door to find out what’s wrong with mommy.
Intensity
Intensity with kids around, that sounds almost impossible, though from what you write I think you’ve manage to bring up a good bunch. Even without a tribe of adolescents we find it difficult find the time to spend on leasurely intimacy. So my heart goes out to you on that one.
As for intending to write one thing in a post and ending up somewhere else … we’ve all done that and it makes for a much better read. :)
Re: Intensity
Hey there!
I’ve been reading you two for awhile. Welcome over here. :)
Better reads.. that is so true. Makes it well worth the tendency to just let my fingers go.
It has to be hard for Him to learn about picking battles with kids – my son-in-law is the same with the grandkids.
smiles, wonder what would happen if your Master told them thank you when they picked up a plate without being asked, or turned off a light. Maybe they would love the positive reinformcement and strive for more of it? Ya never know – i never thought it would work for me and guess what?
He does do that. He’s actually better at heaping on the praise and compliments than I am. I know it does work and they do like to hear it. :)
>>Sometimes I just want to shake the ever-loving shit right out of Him and scream at Him. Look at these kids! Look and compare them to what’s going on in the world around you. Read the newspaper, watch the talk shows, talk to your neighbors and get an idea of what difficult kids are like. These kids are fucking *angels* compared to some kids. We’re not dealing with any of the big issues that some families have to deal with. They don’t steal, they don’t drink, they don’t do drugs, they don’t lie. They aren’t sneaking out at night, they aren’t having sex. They don’t scream and cuss at us or call us names, they don’t hit or punch or kick. < <
Thanks for reminding ME. i look at mine and discount that stuff totally— i apparently have standards based in 1955. i really do have an angel.
shadow
>>It is only going to get worse. And no, I can’t “fix” them. If I could, if parenting were as easy as only having to say something once, wouldn’t I be a fucking millionaire? Doesn’t every parent *wish* it were that easy? < <
My insanity would diminish, i can guarantee THAT. i have been repeating myself for so damned long now that it is a personal BUTTON when i have to do it more than THREE times in 5 min… (pick up your jacket, pick up your jacket, pick up your jacket……brush your teeth, brush your teeth, brush your teeth…)
shadow
lol.. I do that sometimes. I keep repeating it without stopping to take a breath.. “gotobedgotobedgotobedgotobed” until they get so annoyed with hearing it (and worry that I’ve snapped and gone crazy) that they actually get up and go to bed.
Hey kaya,
i hate saying that i know just what you mean but….i know just what you mean!
Sir and me argue over my little un ( he’s 10 ). Sir has a very strict attitude towards him which i don’t share. my son isn’t a real rough and tough kinda kid, he has a really gentle, sweet side to him and it always worries me when Sir tells him off.
If i feel that Sir is being a nit pick i will say something or moan at Him which guarantee leaves us arguing instead. It’s also found me being softer than i should be on my son almost to make up for it.
It’s so difficult knowing what’s best to do and i have spent a lot of time myself crying and wishing i knew what the answer was.
But like others have said, They’re our Doms. It’s not something They put on for an hour in the evenings…it’s Their personalities and They can’t help the way They are. No easy way around it i’m afraid! Let me know if you find the solution!
pj
xx
It’s also found me being softer than i should be on my son almost to make up for it.
Yesssss.. and I *know* how wrong that is.
I’m afraid that the only answer in sight seems to be the magical empty nest syndrome. Until then, struggle through? I don’t know.
*hugs*
welcome back, btw. You were missed. :)
I don’t have anything helpful to say and it looks like a lot of wonderful views were shared with you already so I’m just going to leave you some hugs.
*hugs*
*hugs* are always welcome. :)
Great Post
Very nice kaya!
I have the run instinct I think it comes from having a violent childhood. I have been married for 20 years and still have the desire to take the kids and run when husband is angry. When they were younger I would take them go for a day or two so he would have the opportunity to cool off. But now I fight that urge to run because they are older and I dont want them to have memories of mommy running away from home. You are doing a great job with a blended family. We do not agree on the child rearing and they are our biological children. Teenagers are teenagers are teenagers…. I think it is harder for Daddies to understand than mommies for some reason. BDSM is hard with kids in the house but so is vanilla sex especially now that they are older and have a clue, argghh!!
Thanks again!
story
Re: Great Post
I actually don’t care so much about the sex. I mean, if they hear (and they have!) and say something (and they have!) then all I say is “I am not going to apologize for having sex. If I didn’t have sex, YOU would not be here today.”
But the *other* stuff would be harder to explain. So.. yeah.. that sucks.
And now about your family
First… hugs.
Nothing is wrong.
You have just had an epiphany. You have been outside the parent moment and seen that you have DONE it- you have a 2 parent family! Your kids accept your partner- and are willing to work with him. Your partner loves your kids- and is willing to talk with them.
You just were so busy working so hard to get to this point, ya missed the bonding moment (life goes so fast!).
Parents never parent the same way.. and a whole Universe of children have happily survived 2 parents with different expectations and systems, views and rules. Having 2 adults in the house who love each other, who support each other, and who both are committed to those children is the magical point.
Other than the sweet darling part about you under the covers, it all sounds kinda normal.
You apparently DO know “HOW TO DO IT”- because they certaintly didn’t get here alone.
Sometimes i get told i need to get out of my own way, because i am over anylizing or micromanaging something, and i fight the idea for a long time.
Huge hugs and kisses and power and passion and joy to you all…
what a lovely wonderful thing.
shadow
Re: And now about your family
Everything you said is very, VERY comforting. Thank you so much.
Not sure what to say to make you feel better.. *hugs*
The only thing I can say is that I have so much respect for people who go down the path of child-raising. What you are doing is a wonderful thing.
Just keep in mind that the worst of times is always followed by the best of times.
k
Thank you, k.
I’m damn ready for some “best of times” too. ;)
I hear ya!!! The kids are the only thing we have problems with too. As a mother I am very protective and defensive and I am much more willing and able to let things slide. No one better fuck with my kids is how I feel..Big hugs to you darlin!
No one better fuck with my kids is how I feel.
Yes.
lol.. exactly, yes.
But as much as I want to hang on to that attitude, it’s not working now. I don’t even think the kids want me to hang on to it anymore!
Hell I dunno where my place is anymore. Oy.
Oh gawd… *lick lick lick*
Those look so YUMMY!!
just a different perspective.. on a tiny bit of the post.
He’s being disrespected in His home (or so He perceives it),
You probably won’t get to this comment.. and that’s okay.. but you know.. a different perspective is.. they disrespect him exactly the same as if he were their biological father.. and that’s a wonderful thing.. and if that’s the worst you two get.. you’ve done a great job.
It’s not disrespect .. it’s called being a teen..
Ease up on those kiddies.
I grew up in an over controlled micro-managed household. Of course I was very safe, very loved. And that’s better than the alternative. But the consequence was/is that I became a perfectionist who could never live up to my parents or my own expectations. I wouldn’t worry too much about it, but still don’t stop being that easy-going parent that you are. When it comes to your kids, slave ethics don’t apply. They are your babies. Love them how you know they need to be loved. Your Master should trust your judgment here. I don’t think He’ll do any lasting damage with His nit—picking and nagging so long as you are there to assure them that they are good kids and not failures. Looking back on it, I wonder if I was being raised by a Dom and didn’t know it.
I know what you mean.
I realize you have had quite a few responses to this post, and may actually be sick of them, but at the risk of piling on too much information, I wish too, yet again, add my two cents.
I was married to my ex for nearly 17 years. (OK, I am still married to him for health insurance reasons, but anywho, I left him about 17 years into the marriage.)
My two boys are still close to their father, as close as you can be every other weekend, and they have fun with him, but he by NO means is a father figure. He is their friend and someone they have fun with, but the real parenting is left up to me.
In comes my partner in 2003; and presto-chango all our lives were changed for good. Two kids having to cope with their parents splitting up, their dad finding a new girlfriend, and, of all things, their mom coming out of the closet and getting a girlfriend, too. They could be major league screwed up! They are not though, and that is due to lots of talking, hugging, explaining, leaving them be to think, etc. They are dream kids. Ages 16 and 13 and hardly a teen aged moment between the two.
My partner, at times is very quick to think like your Master. She sometimes thinks we are already at the end of the road of understanding and patience when I think we are just getting started. I think it is her inexperience. That simple. She wasn’t there when I was learning the difference between the “end of the world crisis” and “it could be a hell of a lot worse”. Also, my pride is quick to be hurt when she says something negative about MY perfect kids. I am too quick to let that happen. I think it shows my insecurities and also, in a way, makes it seem as if I have failed in some way. I have nothing to be insecure about and I haven’t failed. She hasn’t either. I just have to remember she has been a mother for 4 years, and I have been one for 16.
November
“Master sees those things as Big Issues. He’s waiting for me to “fix it”. Just how many times do they have to be told to turn off their bedroom lights?”
Fuck, it´s unbelievable! i thought i was alone in the world having a Man who apparently thought this “turning the lights out thing” is amongst the most important issues in the world *lol*
i have been trying to get him to understand that kids are kids for almost seven years now, and actually, i am making some progress. The thing that had best effect on Him was when i explained that He hurt the kids by being so hard on them for things they really can´t help. He made them feel like failures for forgetting to turn out the light. They don´t deserve that.
Hugs
sommar
Hang in there Kaya, It sounds as if you’ve managed pretty well with them to date, and we all have the same troubles with our parenting.
opb
Shit, kaya. Ugh.
This is my first comment on your page, and its a big fat THANK YOU. Thank you for not being afraid to be REAL!
I also struggle with the challenges of parenting and BDSM, and my little one is not even 2 yet. And Master and I don’t even live together (I’m sad to say.) I suffer horrible guilt for occasionally wishing I could just run away. I think it comes with the territory of being a single parent of a child whose “father” was long gone before he was born, too. Thank you for letting me know this is part of other people’s territory, too. Even though it also gives me a flash of things as they might (still) feel in 15 years time, lol. Hey, at least I’ve got that long to figure out a way to deal with it.
AND I’m positive there must be lots of good points, too. Right…?
nadi xx
properly?
woo hoo we both got laid PROPERLY
its a win win for everyone!
hugs
SunniLady