Is there a Doctor in the house?
One of the questions that I am asked on a fairly regular basis is how do I explain my markings to the doctor? The short answer? Honesty. The long answer? Keep reading. ;-)
People tend to be intimidated by doctors, afraid of them perhaps. I am not. I used to be, like a lot of other people, I was afraid to object to their findings, kept my complaints to a minimum. Treated their words like gospel. But then I had an unpleasant experience with a doctor that changed all of that.
It involved my son, many years ago, when he was about 2 to 3 years old. He’d fallen outside one day, and for a day or so after was limping and complaining that his leg hurt. So, being the dutiful mommy, I made an appt. with our pediatrician. Unfortunately, our regular doc was on vacation (isn’t that always the case?) and we were set up with a partner in the office.
It was clear almost from the moment that I walked into the room that this doctor wasn’t going to give me the time of day. He did a very cursory examination of my son’s leg and completely dismissed me and him. I did attempt to object, asking if perhaps an x-ray might be in order, or something a little more in depth than a finger poke to my son’s thigh. The doctor became highly offended, accused me of being an “over-protective and hysterical” mother and then said those infamous sarcastic words “I’m just the DOCTOR. What do I know?” I admit that I was cowed, embarrassed, I hushed and left. He intimidated me.
Over the course of the next week, maybe two weeks, not only did my son continue to complain about his leg, I continued to let the doctor’s words affect me so much that I actively tried to ignore my son’s pain. It wasn’t as if he’d stopped walking, he still played and ran and jumped. He wasn’t in tears or anything. It was just an occasional noticeable limp and the occasional “mommy, my weg huhts!”
Until finally, I made an appt. with my old family doctor. The doctor who treated ME as child, one who wasn’t going to dismiss me as a hysterical parent because he knew me. He listened to me, he assessed my son’s leg, and then he took an x-ray, where he discovered an already almost-healed hairline fracture in my son’s shin. He explained it was too late now for a cast, that it appeared to be healing just fine as it was, and advised me to not ever again allow a doctor to treat me with such casual disregard.
“We’re not Gods.” He said.
My approach to doctors now is entirely different. One thing I keep in mind is that when I’m meeting a doctor for the first time, it is essentially an interview. I am *hiring* this doctor to work for me. Not the other way around. I’m going to be paying this person to perform a service for me. So it’s imperative that I am 100% comfortable with how that service is provided. And if I’m not?
You’re fired!
Ever flipped through the yellow pages of the phone book? Page after page of physicians all trying to advertise for your business. For the price they charge, the very least you can expect is to have a doctor/patient relationship that isn’t chock-full of angst and embarrassment.
So what about that s&m? Simple. Be honest. Be upfront. Doctors are not ignorant of s&m. It is not the taboo topic it may have once been. While I don’t know if they have a chapter in med school about sadomasochism, I can tell you that most doctors know exactly what it is.
I think that the most important thing you can do when meeting a doctor who is about to confronted with the evidence of your lifestyle is to present it to them with as much confidence and security as you can muster. If you act ashamed of your markings, or ashamed of your appearance, THAT’S what they will pick up on. And shame leads to suspicion; suspicion of abuse. If your answers about where marks came from or why you have them run along the lines of mumbling “I dunno” or “I fell down the stairs”, if you can’t look them in the eye, if you are stammering and blushing… those behaviors become more telling to the doctor than any bruise or scar that you carry.
Just be honest. Be upfront. Tell them about s&m, tell them that you and your partner engage in “rough sex”, that they may or may not see evidence of such on your body. Present it as something that is not shameful, very matter-of-fact, and I can almost gaurantee that your doctor has probably not only already seen and heard it before, but will welcome the chance to ask YOU questions about it, or, completely dismiss it as something to be concerned about.
Now, having said all of that, I have a doctor’s appt. coming up that I am probably going to cancel…lol. Eat my words much? Maybe. But here’s why.
First, it’s a new doctor. I wanted to move to a new and closer-to-home clinic. While I advocate being open and honest with your physician, I don’t think one needs to be shocking, in-your-face about it. If this wasn’t my first visit, and if I’d already had the “So, Doc, tell me, do you know what sadomasochism is?” conversation, I would be less concerned about this appt. But I’m really quite bruised, shockingly so, on all of my female parts that this yearly female exam will require examining.
The scars on my breasts, and what it spells, is enough shock for a first time visit I think. No need to compound that with the myriad of bruises in it’s current rainbow of colors. If I absolutely HAD to go to the doctor and if this wasn’t an appt. that could easily be reschedule to a later time when I could more comfortably ease her, and myself, into this new business arrangement, then I would go and I would conduct myself with the utmost confidence in who I am and what I do. But it can be rescheduled and I can ease into it under better circumstances, so I will probably do so.
And when I do go, if she shows any sign of being bothered by the scars on my breasts, bothered to the point that she can’t treat me with as much respect as she’d treat any other patient, then I never have to go back. It’s really just that simple. But if for some reason you are locked into your current doctor, either by insurance or lack of other docs in the area, remember that they are not Gods. If it’s necessary for you to become the educator, then step up and do it, for the sake of your own health and personal comfort. You may not covert them to a kink-friendly physician, but you might ease the road for the next bruised masochist who needs to see them.
There is no shame in what it is that we do. Not anymore.
There is more information on Kink Aware Professionals here.
LikeTags: doctor, s&m information
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday November 5th, 2007 10:43am
interesting points – especially the point about essentially.. “we pay for the doctor, so if you don’t feel comfy with him/her, get out of there”. Its slightly different in the UK, i have to say. We don’t directly pay our medical professionals. In addition, the law is somewhat iffy on the subject of S&M here. There’ve been court cases – one ended up saying that anything more than “transient & trifling” marks is not permitted (the spanner case, if you want to look it up). In yet another, a home video came to light when it was mixed up with a video for hire and returned to the video shop and which showed husband and wife doing stuff in the privacy of their own home. Police were called and the husband was eventually taken to court – wife got up on the stand and told the court it was part of their sex life and thus, private. Judge ended up castigating the police/CPS for taking the husband to court and said he didn’t believe that the crown had any right peeking into people’s bedrooms. So.. go figure. The whole anti-porn thing is confusing matters a great deal as well.
at the moment if a doctor suspects that a patient is being abused he/she cannot call the authorities without the “victim’s” consent (unless they believe that someone is at risk of being seriously harmed by what the patient discloses to the doctor). There are however calls by senior police in the UK to reverse that policy, in the case of gun or knife wounds (in order to address the prevalence of gang warfare amongst young people). if this is permitted then it may not be long before doctors are urged to contact the police when they think abuse has taken place. Because of this people in the UK may want to think long and hard about whether they go ahead and tell their doctor about their sex lives, and whether they’re into S&M.
having said all that.. both BP and i, when we had our initial “check in” appointment at our current doctor’s surgery, to be weighed and assessed, told the nurse then that we were into S&M and that there may be marks on me, and that they were not to worry. However, we do play at a much lighter level than you two do and that is something to bear in mind as well.
thanks for a thought provoking post!
I love wordpress. Im glad youre using it. Its a cool program. My company offer it. Theres a way to download old lj programs then upload them here. I can give you the article if you want. Ive done it to my lj but I cant give the url because I put it up on my company’s server test account and well if the url became public it would be potentially bad for the company.
Opps forgot my name :)
This is the article. I didnt think Id find it.
http://smuffster.livejournal.com/357659.html
I remember the first time my doc saw my bruises. I had gone in for my yearly, had forgotten all about the bitemarks are my back. I looked like a leopard. She noted concern, and I got all flustered and said they were nothing. She was the one who asked me if it was from rough sex. Kind of set my mind at ease.
I agree with you that making the professionals you work with aware of what you do is an excellent thing.
As a counselor in training, I’ve been learning that it is necessary for me to learn how to set my values aside so I can work freely with clients without judging them.
I love the new site btw sweetie
keth- indeed the laws over there would change things. I’m grateful we don’t have those strict laws and fearful that we someday will.
wtn – Thank you! I’ll check into some of those lj tools!
penguinskitty – Thank you darling. :-)
kaya, that was a topic I thought about. What do you tell a doctor?
In Germany I think it would not be a problem to explain where your bruises and marks come from. If it’s consensual there’s no need to call the police.
But what if you’re unconscious, taken to a hospital und you can’t explain anything? Would the doctors and nurses believe your Master? Or would they think that He is an abuser and all this happened to you although you didn’t want it done?
I, as a nurse, would believe you, if you would talk about it self-confidently. But if you would stammer when telling me about it and I would sense something like shame, I would surely believe that you were beaten up by a cruel and aggressive and insane man.
As you already said, it’s important how you present yourself and the way you talk about it.
And you have every right to be proud!!!
~Isis
quick story about my adventure in the doctor’s office……. it is difficult if not next to impossible to get a family doctor here in our part of the Great White North…….. but i am one of the very few lucky ones who found one……
on my first visit to her.. for a full physical including all the woman’s stuff.. i did my history without batting an eye lash……. but could not bring myself to tell her i had a genital piercing……….. i managed to choke it out while she was washing her hands prior to the exam…….. she asked where the piercing was and when i told her she literally said OUCH and sagged a bit in the knees……
during the exam she took forever to get to it……. and finally said she wasn’t sure how to do it.. she didn’t want to hurt me but had to move the jewelry.. i just reached down and pulled it up and assured her it didn’t hurt at all quite the opposite !! During the exam she said “WOW this is the first time I have had something quite so pretty to look at while I do the pap smear” We both laughed and that was it…….
This year when i went in.. i had the 6′s still engraved in my breasts.. she didn’t bat an eyelash.. and only commented on my tattoo (which is also on my breast)
i don’t know for sure.. but i think i may have found a kink friendly doctor without even trying…….
morningstar (owned by Warren)
co-owner of drakor
I’m all for being upfront with your Doctor. Not only does it prevent potential unwanted attention but it opens up the door for great discussion with someone “in the know” about the medical aspect of WIITWD.
For example – once after a very hard breast torture session I was left with breasts that were more black than blue. To be honest it sorta scared me, so while I was at the Doctor (for something unrelated that didn’t necessitate removing my blouse) I mentioned it to the Doc, and he examined me on the spot and showed me the difference between ok bruising and “keep an eye on this one because it could turn into trouble” bruising. Another time, I questioned him on needle play and milk ducts. And last but not least, once I didn’t see *him* but an associate and he casually stopped me in the hallway long enough to ask me if everything was going well with my S&M or did he need to see me himself. He’s a good man, a great Doctor and well worth the extra driving time it takes in order to see him.
Well you go ahead with your brave bad self. Me, myself, I’m going to continue taking Magnesium to reduce bruises, let my pubic hair grow out for 3 weeks before my gyn appointment, & hastily remove my piercings in the changing room before the doctor walks in.
I’m not ashamed, I’m EMBARASSED! I’m just a big ol’ chicken!
I have had my own fun experience with bruised tits and a new Dr. I had an appointment with a new endocrinologist and didnt realize he would want to check me all over so no reschedule. I had these amazing new purple bruises just beautiful : ) and when he got to those he paused and I smiled that “shit eating grin” as we say in the south and told him kids were out of town for the weekend and playtime got rough. He acted like who cared and checked my nipple piercings and went on. He never mentioned it again really barely blinked other than they were startling i dont think he would have said anything. NOw if only i hadnt had to do that with my 2 yr old in the room yelling over and over mommy put your clothes back on rofl.
I suspect that most doctors, when encountering a patient who is into SM would rather the patient felt able to come to them for treatment and advice than feel they had to hide out and let a potentially harmful thing go untreated. After all, most doctors, IMHO, go into medicine because they want to help people.
I was sexually assaulted a few years ago. I didn’t want to press charges or anything, I felt like it was my fault (and in reality I was pretty stupid and ignored some HUGE flaming red flags), but I know I shouldn’t blame myself.
I went to my regular GYN and told her what happened, and got tested for all the usual stuff. Then she’s like “Come back in a week and we’ll go over your test results.”
I was like “What about pregnancy?”
She said “It’s too soon to test for that, we’ll just have to wait and see.” YES, this was 2005, not 1950.
It took a lot of courage for me to say “What about the morning after pill?”
She told me, curtly, that they didn’t perform abortions there.
I left, and called a nurse friend of mine. Eventually, I talked to the Health Department and they got me the MAP.
I did go back to the GYN Dr the following week. I got my test results (They were negative, thank god, and numerous tests since have been negative) and then I told her I would like my records. That I felt as if she did not do her job as a doctor, she did not inform me of all of my options. That her personal beliefs interfered with her ability to be an objective health professional.
She got huffy, charged me $5 for the records, but not before writing “Patient prefers to go to a clinic that performs abortions.” on them.
Honestly, I probably would have been completely okay with her saying “these are your options. I can’t provide you with the MAP, but it is an option.”
Ultimately, I’m glad it happened. It was the wake-up call I needed to not just take what the drs give, and that it is my right to be treated fairly and objectively, without a Drs personal issues coming into play.
Are you reading comments on the LJ-feed?
@Libbey, it’s a bit off topic, but I must say that I’m surprised that docs act like your doc did. She’s clearly an idiot!!!
I hope you found a doc you can rely on.
~Isis
Isis – Actually I’d give the same advice to a Dominant too. In the scenario you’ve described, where He’s the one doing the talking for me, I’d advise to be just as self-assured and matter-of-fact about the truth. Anything else would only make an uncomfortable situation worse. I would think that His honesty and confidence would tide things over until I could speak for myself. What do you think?
morningstar – I really think most doctors are unflappable. MOST.. not all of course. Especially in this day and age where body piercings are so common. She’s definitely a keeper, though.
Marlene – that is exactly the type of doctor/patient relationship one should have. What a wonderful doctor you have!
Sinnamon – lol.. I do understand the embarrassment. I feel it too! I’m already blushing at the thought of that initial conversation with this new doctor. But I know it’s better in the long run, mostly because I can’t hide the scars I have. Plus, there may be one of those emergency visits and I’d rather have it out in the open when I’m able to talk about it and not having to answer those hard questions midst emergency visit!
kat – That’s precisely the attitude you need to have when presenting the “evidence”. That shit-eating grin is perfect. ;-)
dweaver – Exactly! I agree completely. :D
Libbey – I am so sorry you went through that. Trauma on top of trauma. Doctors like that need a severe refresher course I think. As for the LJ feeds, until you mentioned it, I had no idea comments went on the feed! Thank you. :-)
kaya, I think your right.
If the Master appears to be very confident and explains everything clam and serene doctors and nurses will understand.
But I’m sure, this topic makes you and many others a bit nervous. I would embarrassed for sure. ;)
~Isis
As a physician, I can reassure all you that, quite honestly, there is very little in terms of body modifications/bruising that most of us have not seen. Granted, I can’t speak for some of my colleagues in the middle of nowhere, but as it relates to run of the mill stuff – I wouldn’t be worried. Shaved pubic hair and genital piercings hardly count as shocking these days. Shocking is the ungroomed/unbathed rather odorous female with a raging case of BV that you can smell down the hallway (but that’s another story). I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but really, most physicians don’t care about what happens between consenting adults (at least in the U.S.). Just let them know it’s consensual, we’ve all had some type of sensitivity training, and I can promise you it won’t be a problem. Besides, if I had to wager a guess, I’d say more physicians are kinky than you would think. Hope that helps.
Elliot – Thank you for validating what I said. That means a lot to me. :-)
I’ve always thought that doctors have some bit of sadistic streak in them. A great majority of what they do is painful to the patient. And do they care? Nope! ;-)
Wonderful post on such an important topic, thank you!
Thank you! Pleasure to see you here. :-)
Kaya,
As a nurse I agree completely. I have worked in ob/gyn for a long time and have seen women come in with many different piercings, tattoos, and body mods. It’s good to be up front and honest and know that Doctors aren’t there to judge you. The one thing I would caution is that it can affect your insurance coverage. There have been confirmed reports that an insurance company may deny a claim if they believe it was caused by S/m play(even if it wasn’t). For example say you break your arm while raking the yard. Your Insurance may say we are denying this claim because it may have been inflicted during play. This is not a big deal but I would clearly ask your physician if he intends to note in your file your s/m lifestyle. Better to be informed and know what you’re facing down the line. Just a thought…. As always awesome post!
Well howdy stranger! :D
I had never thought of that on having the s&m on the file. That’s a very excellent point. And certainly one to consider before telling all. So you say then that asking your doc not to note it in the file is okay?