Under His Hand » Internal

Internal

Seems the week is getting away from me. Wednesday already and only one post in. I wonder, sometimes, if I would post more or less than three a week if I wasn’t under a requirement. Probably vary I suppose, depending on what was on my mind.

Night before last, I fell asleep right away, and snapped wide awake about 20 minutes later. I couldn’t get back to sleep for nothing. That 20 minute power nap. I wasn’t chained to the bed for a change (chain problems lately..lol) though I had my collar on of course. I lay there, thinking about my options for this not sleeping dilemma. It briefly entered my mind to just get up… to actually sneak out.. of the room. It flitted through my brain and I immediately discarded it. Well almost immediately. I examined it, because I found it rather fascinating that I *had* immediately dismissed that as an option. Wild horses could not have drug me out of that bed without getting His permission first. I have.. finally.. accepted His control. Internalized it.

I did consider waking Him and asking to be allowed to go do something. Anything. I so hate laying in the dark with nothing to do. And He probably would have let me, He can be mean but He’s not an Ogre. (Not always anyway…;)). Yet, I didn’t want to wake Him up. He’s been so incredibly stressed at work lately.. and not sleeping the best anyway.. I didn’t want to disturb Him. He was snoring so peacefully. And I know how He sleeps if I am not there with Him.. He’d be up checking on me and not getting rest at all…just so I could read a book or watch some mind numbing TV show to alleviate my own boredom. Still.. spoiled little slave girl almost won out… she fought hard. Boy howdy, I came very close to poking Him.

And then, just one simple thought… to myself.. “you are the slave.. and sometimes slaves suffer for Master’s comfort”… it wasn’t an epiphany. It wasn’t a lightbulb. It wasn’t even an “ahha!” moment. It was just… there… making sense.. comforting… and Right. Now, being bored isn’t exactly a huge sacrifice to make, I know this. But that thought did make laying there, quietly, waiting for morning or sleep a heck of a lot easier.

I think … before… before the Mother’s Day incident.. before Master starting *talking*.. and not just saying words to make noise..(You know what I mean, Sir)…. I would have woken Him up, with little second thought to it. I would have justified that my comfort is just as important as His. When the facts are, it isn’t. Or maybe it is… but is approached in a different light.

Anyway.. thinking things like that, while probably seeming like kindergarten stuff to others, is quite the big step for me. Accepting, without argument or reasons, believing in who and what I am, who and what He is… and letting it just be.. what it is going to be.

I’ve been looking for that knowledge for a long time. Thank You Master.

kaya