Insert Catchy Title Here
I got a lot of emails talking about Jes and about BPD in the last few weeks, and I can’t reply to them all. I mean, I CAN, I’m physically able to with my working typing fingers and my internet, but I’m mentally not able to. I have read them though, every word, and they’ve been touching and helpful and very much appreciated, more than you can even imagine, but I’m just exhausted with the whole thing right now.
I’m sorry and I know that makes me some kind of uber-bitch, but s’okay. I wear bitch pretty well. Lord knows Fetlife has been pushing my bitch button lately.
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So we went to the local munch over the weekend and that was lots of fun. We haven’t been able to make it the last couple of months so it was great to see everyone and to see some new faces. After, we met up at the house of a Mistress who frequently opens her place up for us pervs to lounge about in. There wasn’t a lot of play going on, but Jill got her birthday spankings (though srsly? SOME doms can’t count very well. Just sayin’) and I got to watch some nutsack saline injection, which was pretty cool.
We didn’t play. Neither of us had our head in the game that night. One thing we’ve learned is ‘quality over quantity’ when it comes to s&m and the like. If we (he, especially) isn’t “feeling it”, then he doesn’t fake it or force it. We’ve been down that road and it never ends up well for either of us. So while I sometimes get a little antsy about not taking advantage of opportunities when they arise, especially when opportunities can be few and far between, I’d rather deal with that angst than the angst that follows a session where he isn’t all there.
I did get a little somethin’ somethin’ when I accidentally challenged him by way of remarking that he’d never get a knife up my nose without some seriously secure bondage to hold me still, and he solicited the help of Jack to pin me down on the floor and poke it up in there anyway. I think I bit him though. Master, not Jack. I don’t think I did anything to Jack.
I’m having a real interest in fight scenes lately. I know that’s a helluva turn off for some Doms, but I’m liking it. It’s rough and energetic and fucking FUN. I came out of that little interaction with a couple of bruises on my arms and a pinch bruise on my neck and I didn’t feel a single one of them at the time. I think I might like to explore that kind of play a bit further.
Maybe at Spank if we can make the August session. Though it’s not called Spank anymore. It’s Twisted Tryst. Whatever it’s called, I wanna go. Bad.
We’ve kind of talked about things we’d (he’d) like to do if we can make it. That sets off that whole mess of want/don’t want, excited trepidation shit that has my nerves humming. Please please please let the Universe allow us to go!!
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We were supposed to have a cook out last night with some friends, but some stuff came up and we had to cancel. That was disappointing. Hopefully we can work it out for another night soon. :(
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Am and B-man are down at my parent’s house and it’s really not been an enjoyable visit for Am. I guess the first day there, my dad went off on some rant about politics and religion and, of course, gays- which set Am off naturally because that’s a serious hot button for her, which pissed my parents off because they have this theory that at their age and with what they’ve lived and experienced, they have a “right” not to just have an opinion but to have an unchallenged opinion, especially unchallenged by some “wet behind the ears teenager who should just respect her elders and STFU”.
Since then, they been tiptoeing around each other, with the occasional flare up of arguing only now it’s arguing over other silly stuff because there is unresolved animosity on everyone’s part toward each other.
While I know that Am can be a bit abrasive and uncompromising and self-righteous in her views… my parents can be even more so. And, unfortunately, I tend to think Am is correct in her views, even if I maybe wish she’d just tone it down around them because they are not going to change.
Sadly, the only thing being accomplished is Am calling me and remarking that this will be her very last visit with them, and likely they are thinking the same thing. So while we’d kind of hoped to delay the picking up for another week, we’re going down this coming weekend to get them. It’s not to anyone’s benefit to extend the visit right now. I already fear it’s done irreparable damage between them.
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Otherwise, nothing much exciting is going on.
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday July 12th, 2010 9:39am
Well, phooey. I keep clinging to the fantasy that by the time people get to be grandparents – great-grandparents, even – they’ll have learnt that the only unchallenged opinion is the one kept to oneself.
I fucking love fight scenes. I like letting my aggressive bitch out to play. And to be honest, being physically conquered does my head good. Reminds me who the boss is.
[rq=408110,0,blog][/rq]Food Issues
When you blog about something painful, and you receive a flood of helpful, supportive emails from people who care and want to help, it can be very difficult answering them all, it’s so much energy. Plus, when emails/comments come in from blogs you wrote days/weeks ago, it’s like you’ve already gotten past or resolved a lot of the emotions you wrote about originally and…blah. It’s like reopening a wound over and over again, even though you know people mean well and the advice can be touching and wonderful. It gets exasperating and you wonder why you wrote about it in the first damn place. Then, like you say, you feel like a bitch because you realize everyone just wants to help and you KNOW they put real thought and care into their advice but…you’re kinda done with it by this point.
Gotcha. :)
That’s one of the downsides of writing a no-holds barred blog about your life.
But the upside is it’s an immense valuable personal release; blogging is so helpful in focusing your own perceptions. Venting freely about your worries and fears can clear those worries and fears right up as you look back at what you’ve written and ponder the truth of it. Writing about it, and writing for others, (I don’t know why that’s important but it is, because I’ve tried journaling privately and it’s not the same), forces you to see both the wisdom and the flaws in your thinking. I do miss that. A lot.
Sucks that you are going through so much. Twisted Tryst sounds fun. I hope you can make it.
hugs
Hanah
[rq=411092,0,blog][/rq]My rules
An acronym that I like for bitch is Babe In Total Control of Herself. Master prefers (me too actually) is Bound In Tight Cuffs(Chains) Happily. I’ve also heard it refered by female dominants as Babe In Total Control of Him. Which ever way you choose to associated bitch away woman you deserve it.
I’m hoping to send another package your way soon. Something more for you and S this time.
Will be keeping good thoughts you and S get away for some much needed time together.
I love knock down drag outs with Master, too. He is sooo much stronger than me. It makes me realized how little power I really do have.
[rq=413216,0,blog][/rq]Expections and Surprises
RE: all the family stuff. you have my thoughts and prayer-type things. i’m struggling with my owner’s sister right now asking us to “respect her daughter’s innocence” and not do anything that would “make her ask questions” in front of her. since she’s 9, we’d pretty much have to not show up and ob literate ourselves from her brain in the process. and i’m unsure what’s so innocence-corrupting about “they love each other very much, just like your dad and i do, except they are both girls, and that’s okay.”
meh.
anyhoo, i love fights too, and bruises. and i have what i think is a very pretty black eye (pics up on Kim’s fetlife! yay!) and i’m with you on the “if you’re not into it, don’t waste your energy.”
and with her right now, i’m having some heavy cuddle energy, mixed in with some, “hey, can you just.. punch the crap outta me one good time?” energy.
awesomeness.