“If nothing ever changed, there’d be no butterflies.”
“All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.” ~Anatole France
Change is inevitable. We grow, learn, life leads us into unforeseen directions. It’s a constant.
Though it’s hard. I’m as reluctant to embrace change as the next person. No matter how uncomfortable the old may be becoming, it’s familiar. I like familiar. Change is… scary. But change is stubborn and persistent. It won’t be denied. It just keeps pressing itself in your face, until you either give in and work with the change to make it as good as it can be, or retreat into a world of memories, fist closed around times no longer there and never coming back… a life wasted over the refusal to change.
I am changing. I have changed. My need, intent and purpose for keeping a journal has changed. And I feel like I’ve held on to it with that tightly closed fist for too long. I’ve tried to keep it what it once was… but it’s a losing battle. I’m not the person I was two and a half years ago. I cannot be.
It seems that some feel they are entitled to certain content here. Perhaps they feel that I owe them something? I’m not sure. I don’t quite understand that response from people, that they somehow feel they deserve something from me here.
You don’t.
I’m not the “newbie” to bdsm that I was when I first began blogging. I’m not full of angst and riddled with doubts and questions. I’m no longer seeking out profound answers to impossible questions. I no longer care to “figure it all out”.
I’ve made mention several times over the last few months that this journal no longer serves the purpose it once did. What was once a valuable communication tool is no longer needed. We’ve bridged the gap in our communication skills and it’s simply easier and more conducive to success to talk to each other. I’m not “afraid” of the words I need to say, I don’t hide behind the “safety” of letters and prose anymore. I am not, any longer, intimidated.
Those are all good things, I think, at least for me personally and for us as a couple. But not so good for the journal I guess. For me to sit here and retype the personal moments of a conversation now feels invasive and inappropriate. So I don’t. And, predictably, the content here suffers.
Having been struggling over this for a fairly long while at livejournal, we made the decision to push forward, to attempt different angles and methods. Perhaps to recapture what was once a pleasurable activity for me. The act of sharing and enjoying this in a public venue still does bring eroticy and fun. Both for Master and myself. But I have changed, he has changed, and so too, must this journal reflect that change. The key is simply going to be finding what it is that’s going to work for us now.
The very idea of making money seems to stick in people’s craw. As if I, we, should somehow be immune to needing an income. The fact remains that we are the parents of three teenagers, we have the same bills and monetary needs that everyone else does. Why it is that getting paid to paint clothespins seems to be such a stickler is beyond me. It’s actually quite humiliating. As are the video clips. That Master gets to make a profit off of my humilitation only worsens it. And if that’s the reason this is so hard to swallow for some, well… my gosh.. haven’t you been reading the wrong blog then.
Anyway. Seems simple enough to me that if you don’t want any part of the “money-making” then you just don’t order the stuff. I’m hardly concerned that you don’t like it. I’m much more focused on the look HE gets when I show him how he’s profited off of me. I’ll get the same feeling when I hand over my paychecks. It’s a kink of mine, like any other.
So. If what you want is the same soap opera-ish kaya blog, read elsewhere. I’m not that same angsty-drama-queen anymore. I’m not putting up with the same bullshit that I used to. This isn’t your place to attack, judge, or insult. This is my place, for whatever purpose it takes on for me, for Master, for us. I don’t know exactly what the content will be anymore. In some ways, it probably will not change much at all. I’ll post the pictures as Master dictates, I’ll write whatever it is that’s on my mind.
The comments will change though. I don’t owe you a place to be a bitch. If you want that, pay for your own site. Comments will be deleted at will. Find a nice way to say what you have to say or say nothing at all. I *will* make this my personal bubble of happiness, insulated from the crap. The Jerry Springer atmosphere that tends to linger around my comment section is over.
Master and I have reached an extremely comfortable plateau. We do what we do, it’s fun, it’s good, it makes us happy. That’s where I am now. Change has brought me here.
Change can be good, if you let it.
~cunt
LikeTags: reflection
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Sunday November 25th, 2007 1:37pm
Sounds like you and your master have much to be thankful for, based upon the changes you just described. Hope you both had a wonderful holiday!
Nothing wrong with change if done for the right reasons… if that’s how we can keep reading your blog then so be it… rather than disappear from the ether, would rather have this than not.
And it’s not “making” money, it’s balancing out things a bit. Time, effort and things aren’t free… a little compensation or benefit should come back.
No problems here. :)
All the best to you! You owe nothing to anyone, and we’re lucky to have the chance to read what you choose to write. :)
Good for you — you are so right you don’t own any one a place to bitch! They obviously can do that in their own journals if they really want to anyway. :)
Could really relate to this..”For me to sit here and retype the personal moments of a conversation now feels invasive and inappropriate. So I don’t. And, predictably, the content here suffers.”
Very much what happened to me. Every year I blog it gets harder and harder to share because it is invasive for me that this world I live in is just very special to me and I don’t need it to be spread out there for the world to read.
Grrrr
own = owe
I thought I was gonna have to hunt you down and strangle you. That sounded an awful lot like a goodbye post there for a few minutes. *growls* I was thinking to myself ‘after ALL the work I did!!!’
As for the rest, bravo!
Well now … I was wondering why some people came here and did nothing but tell you how wrong your ways were and more importantly .. why you let it them go on with it.
Kudos to you !! This is, after all, YOUR journal… Your thoughts … Your feelings …. and … well who the hell is anyone else to tell you what you do is wrong or messed up or anything else they may spout. As an adult, you do what you want to do when and how you want to do it. If its not illegal and the cops don’t care then why does everyone else. Its like the old man who was mortified that he found porn on it TV .. and that it never ended .. 24 hours that channel showed porn … what was he to do !! Hello old man .. change the channel, if you don’t like what your seeing. I have always commented to myself that those people who feel the need to bitch and moan about what you choose to do to yourself/for yourself/for your Master, need to just chanfe the channel!
Do it your way … if they don’t like it … well .. fuck ‘em ! You go girl !
great job. i love the blog as is. thanks for taking a stand -
Sadly so many forget that first and foremost this is a personal journal and not entertainment for the rest of us. What you do with your talents, your life and your words and pictures is no one else’s business.
I’m grateful for your craftiness. I’ve gotten my itch back because of the fun things I’ve seen you make for the craft corner. For that, thank you!
I look at your journal and love reading your thoughts and experiences. I know that I will never do most of what you experience daily but I know that what I want in this life is attainable because you can reach what you want. For that, thank you.
Love you kaya, which we lived closer ;)
kaya your right, no one has a right to come into your home and treat you like crap (well except maybe the Master) — and they should not do it here either, it is rude.
i love your confidence and how greatly you can say what is on your mind. one day i hope to write as well as you do.
slave dee kitten
(currently slave girl snoopy until the end of November)
Kaya,
Yay!!!!!!!
I’ve seen the growth in you and your slavery at high speed, a luxury of reading the past in a couple of months. Of course the journal will change. Part of the joy for me is watching the CHANGE itself take place. (that’s the teacher in me, I guess) I’m especially glad that you aren’t going to take the shit anymore. It’s always uncalled for and hard to understand why anyone would spend time soemwhere that makes them uncomfortable. I’m looking forward to watching the unfolding journey continue.
As for the money making stuff, I know a slave or two that might love to get some of your stuff, if I knew where they lived. (they can’t be too careful on the internet ;) )
Dave
I read the entire post on the edge of my seat, going “oh god the blog is going to close”. And then it didn’t, and I was pleased.
I think the Kinky Krafts are adorable, and I see nothing wrong with branching into video like you guys have been doing. Everybody needs money, and hey, if you can make it doing something you already do, all power to you!
I’m glad that you’re taking a harder line with the comments. If I got some of the comments that you do, I don’t know that I could handle having them sit on my space staring at me.
Hope you and He had a good THanksgiving!
The very idea of making money seems to stick in people’s craw. As if I, we, should somehow be immune to needing an income.
Oh Kaya, this has been a real sore point with me as well and I thank you for articulating it so well here.
I feel like I give real value in my blog, with lots of free photos, video previews, and my own musings on the nature of my submissiveness and what being under my own Master’s hand means to me (and believe me, I am very much influenced by you!).
But I get so much of “more more more… do this, do that…” So we put up a clips site, a photo site… which get very little action compared to all the requests.
Guys just want free pr0n… Master says guys spend all their time on the Internet searching for free pr0n.
Every time I read your blog, a part of me feels like bowing down and going “we’re not worthy!” Master says I need to give it time… that you’ve been doing it a lot longer. But I’m an American… I want it now!
Thank you, and I look forward to reading your blog for many years to come!
Good for you! I have often wondered why you put up with so much crap in the comments – I kept wanting to say ‘just delete the assholes and their shit – don’t let them get to you.’ So good for you – go nuts with that delete button and good luck making this your bubble of happiness!
Well said hun
I agree with the last post, go nuts with the delete button and good luck
*applauds
Bloody good for you! So glad you are not going to disappear.
I love your blog sweetie from the snippets on the cats and the kids to the hot, bondage-y kinky sex that has you banging your head into a wall.
This is your private little corner of the web and I gain from it merely through the eyes of a guest.
I love you dearie. Change can be good :)
Bravo!! And good on you…you’re submissiveness belongs to your master, not a bunch of faceless, annonymous kibitzers and dilettants who face a computer screen in the same way they face a TV screen – without the guts to turn it off if they get offended. As long as the computer and TV are still running, they aren’t forced to do something productive with their own lives.
I’ve always enjoyed your journal for your humor, especially in those little moments of internal rebellion. Somehow, even if the journal changes, I doubt your humor will desert you. Go with it. Things might be a little different, but the life adventure continues.
Kaya,
I am glad that you are not going to stop blogging. I look forward to reading your thoughts and I am glad that you are not going to let the “free range rudes” out there spoil it for you.
Whoa… you had me holding my breath there for a minute thinking you were going to stop blogging too. i think i just had a quasi-mini stroke. (just kidding) In any event, no doubt that these changes that you’ve described are all positive. You have faithful readers who (if they’re anything like me) love the way you turn the the most mundane topics into spats of laughter or hornyness. i just noticed they named a TV series named ‘kaya’ on MTV…. i thought of you… and i digress…
You said it best: “For me to sit here and retype the personal moments of a conversation now feels invasive and inappropriate. So I don’t. And, predictably, the content here suffers.”
i think i know what you mean here.
Bravo to you & do what you do best- be you.
i admire that-
DL’s toy
Duh on me.
i will resopnd to my order tonight.
*is ashamed*
Too much mail is overwhelming, isn’t it?
xoxx
You scared me for a minute there! *allows self to exhale* I’m glad that you and your Master have gotten to where you are. And if people want only the “soap opera” it is probably because they either 1) surround themselves with only bad things/people, 2) they are trying to live vicariously through you and therefor dictate.. or 3) they are pissed off that they don’t have what you have. And ya know what? Screw em. (With a broken glass bottle…)
I like your Kinky Krafts. Unfortunately Master and I do not have the money right now, but I think its great!
I thought this was a good-bye post, thank goodness it isn’t.
I think you doing videos and the kinky krafts is wonderful and to heck what others think.
You go GIRL!!!
I’m just glad it’s not Good-bye!
I gain so much insight from you and your blog. Thank you for taking time to share part of you and your Master’s lives.
And hey… if you get to sell a few wares… make a buck and please your Master…more power to you!
kJ
I have been a silent mouse in the corner reading your every post. I have seen through your writing and pictures (love those pictures) how you have grown and changed over time. I rarely comment but after reading todays post, I just want to let you know that I so fully agree with the stand you are taking. Your thoughts, feelings, pictures, or whatever you post belong to you. If you choose to share them with us (and I am so glad you do) it is your choice. We the readers also have a choice….to read or not read. Some people need to be adults about the whole situation and learn how to use the off button if they don’t like what they are reading. I have learned so much from you and your Master. I am new to this whole lifestyle (2 years now) and your blogs have meant so much to me. Thank you for showing the reality side of real people living in both worlds. Keep it up….stay true to your Master and yourself!
A bit confused: is the order closer to A) “don’t comment unless you agree with me” or B ) “don’t comment unless you can do it respectful and with civility”??
I’ve never minded being disagreed with or having a different opinion presented to me. But there is a right way to do it and a wrong way to do it. That’s all.
You go girl! It’s your journal, your life. The dissenters probably need a damn good fuck and are jealous.
Jeez have people been giving you that shit again?
Just keep doing stuff your way and change your way and use the journal your way – obviously I mean ‘your Master’s way’ don’t I?
Anyway you know what I’m saying.
You don’t owe any of us anything and as for making a bit of money – too bloody right – go for it!
Thought you were leaving … I was going to say Oh NOOOOO! We, hubby and I, do so love reading your tales from the kinky midwest.
And I agree with whomever said above, that guys just want to get free porn… oh SO true..
Anyway, glad to hear you are still out there bloggin’ along.
I hope you will continue to let all of us participate vicarously in your life, whatever you want to write about. :-)
KnkyPet
Excellent! Too many bloggers think they have to let people crap all over them in the comments. I’m delighted to see you puttin’ yer foot down.
Hawkeye, I can’t speak for Kaya, but in my view it’s got nothing to do with agreeing or disagreeing with anybody. Rather, I feel commenters should ask themselves “Could this comment brighten the blogger’s day?” If not, it shouldn’t be posted. And, as a blogger, if it’s clear that a comment was made (deliberately or with reckless disregard) to diminish my day or my enjoyment of my blog, I *plonk* the comment with extreme prejudice.
Nobody buys web space and bandwidth so that other people can crap on it. Where’s the joy in that?
kaya,
this is the second time i’ve de-lurked for you. [g] i read your journal avidly and thank you for sharing your life. i’ve never for one moment thought any blog should be for ‘the readers’, to me they’re all personal; yours and Masters to do with as you will.
Your blog won’t suffer, not in my opinion anyway as i thoroughly enjoy the way you write. Keep private what you wish and share what you wish, whatever works for you both.
May both of you continue to enjoy your journey together.
madelaine
You go girl! I have always loved reading this blog, with anything that you post about. I just appreciate that you continue to have it, so we can all get a peek into your life, no matter what you’re saying or talking about. And as for the Kinky Krafts…if you and your Master can make some money doing something like that, who cares? I still think it’s so cute, and if I had a use for some of those things, I would definitely be a customer!
Congratulations!
*bangs head to table* I wrote this back on LJ, but realized this morning that only 2 responses to one of kaya’s posts is a sign that something is way wrong – and realized that the posts there are syndicated. *bah*
So I’ll copy and paste the post here…
***
*applause*
Well said!
A blog should be your own little private space – at the whim of your Master of course. It’s only proper that the way of keeping the journal changes with your own development. In fact, your development is what makes it so fascinating!
Keep going, get rid of the asholes who don’t know how to behave and please just pour out onto the journal what is currently on your mind, I love it!
*hugs*
/calli
I can only echo what most of the other commenters have said here. I very rarely comment, though I look in most days. If something particularly moves me for whatever reason, I find myself enticed out of ‘lurkerland’.
As you know, I used to write publicly…. and while I wrote primarily for myself, I admit to also getting enormous pleasure from sharing with others. However, I rarely wrote about my daily life… or gave accounts of what M and I did together, it was almost always more about my thoughts and feelings. I tend to be very clear about what I feel… M teases that I am ‘gently outspoken’, and while that was liked by some, it pushed some difficult buttons in others.
I was fortunate that I never received overtly negative comments… at least not on blog, but defending myself to those who didn’t like what I wrote and felt they needed to ‘read between the lines’ just simply got too tiresome….and so I stopped writing publicly, and stopped commenting on all but a few blogs. That it coincided with a time when my own need to ‘process’ had become much less, made the decision a relatively easy one.
May you continue to write for as long as it gives you and your Master pleasure…. and may the things you write here be completely of your (his and yours) choosing. Those who don’t like what you write, for whatever reason, have a very simple choice… they need no longer visit and read.
love and hugs xxx
I just like hearing from you, and what you have to say, I don’t think it’s an “entertainment” thing at all.
Your just a person like everyone else reaching out to people “like you”.
I mean that’s why I blog (though mine is kind of sucky) its just a sounding board for me – a place to make freinds and hopefully learn from others.
It feels good to see others w/ families and kids and kink and how they mesh together – and how its worked out and the differences and the similarities and well everything.
love
j
That’s tellin em.
love ya and miss ya.
Well said.
I wonder how many say something similar to…
kaya’s blog sure was better when her master was away most of the time.
In a way, I’d have to agree.
Back then, the blog had a totally different flavor then now.
~Change~
The good old days are now.
Y’all should sell anything you can find a market for, and good on y’all for that.
Why in the hell that has gotten people in a twist is beyond me.
Oh well to each their own…
Great entry title!
Look kaya, this was always your journal and I’ve just felt honrored that I got to read about your life. I’m not looking for specific content, or opinions and such that I agree with.
I was/am looking for *you*, and like all of us *you* are changing. I find I like watching the changes.
:D
Dear Kaya,
I’m one of the occasional lurkers at your blog. I’m dutch, my english is horrible, that’s why. But. I love to read your intelligent and humorous posts. Your way of saying thizzz is myyyyy wayyyyy (you know this song, I suppose?). By showing this you help people to stand for their own perspective of their sexuality, the way they want to live their lives. So please go on bubbling your happiness…:)
It’s a pity though, that you sometimes get so angry and upset about people who ‘think something from it’, or want to expres their fears,anger, madness.
Well, actually, their opinion doesn’t say anything about you, isn’t it?;)
Kaya, when you stop being you, is when I stop reading you. I think you rock.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Just good for you!
Right on!
a. You don’t anyone (except master) any content.
b. I see nothing wrong with offering “arts & crafts” items for sale. Same with the home made videos (which I’m enjoying watching, by the way). It’s not like you are charging for access to your blog – or even requesting a donation.
- Don
P.S. What happened with master’s rule about posting a picture a day?
Most of the rules placed on blogging have been lifted, for now anyway. Until we reach whatever it is that this takes on for us, we’re playing it by ear. Pictures will be posted as he wants them posted, not determined by a rule that he no longer wants. I’m pretty happy with that. :D
I’ve been lurking and reading you for about two months now. Came onto your site and it stuck.
The reason I enjoy your site so much is not the picture posts, or the kink -that just brought you to me.
The reason I enjoy your site so much is that you write so well, you transform the mundane. You give me pleasure through how you turn the phrase, and I look forward to each posting. Write as you will, you’ve been doing a smashing job at it so far.
Thanks
I love you guys! ;-)
You are amazing, you know that? Good for you taking a stand against all the assholes out there. Your blog, your way. If they don’t like it they can leave.
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