I Suppose
I should update this thing.
I know I promised you some porn a couple days ago. Sorry. I suddenly got very greedy with my porn and didn’t want to share!
Actually, all I was going to do was direct you to the Free Hardcore Gallery offered by Kink.com. I was going to pretty it all up with enticing photos and whatnot, but, meh. I’m lazy and you can click.
There are terrific still shots and some video clips. They are short, teaser clips but you can’t complain about free shit! I don’t know about the rest of you but in this recession, anything free is worth checking out. That goes double if it’s free porn, and it goes triple if it’s Kink.com’s free porn.
The recession, however, hasn’t yet kept me away from The Training of O. I just don’t think there are many sites that come close to matching O for bdsm porn.
Except for Paintoy. Dude, if you’ve never checked them out, you have to. For real. WAY worth it. Alebeard and Dru haunt my bdsm nightmares.
There. I’ve delivered porn. :-)
~~*~~
I’m starting to slide into a disgruntled state of mind that, if any of you could be so kind as to kick me in the ass so I get out of it, I’d be most appreciative.
It’s not only not an appropriate attitude to carry around, it’s just not fair to him to even feel it.
Of course, rational thought does shit-all to kick it to the curb apparently, because instead of keeping it at bay, it’s only growing day by day.
What I keep thinking is that it just doesn’t pay to even work at trying to rekindle the desires when ain’t nothing going to happen. All of that resurgence of masochistic need that broke through has done nothing but awaken desires I’d successfully squashed and I’d prefer not to want what I can’t have when I can just not want anything at all.
One way is dead.. the other way is angsty and irritable and unfulfilled. Given a choice, dead is easier.
It’s just not fair to HIM to be so grumpy about it. He’s working really long, hard hours right now. He’s out the door at 6am, he’s home at 6pm, he eats and goes to bed. Repeats it the next day. And the next. And the next… wash, rinse, repeat. He hardly wants to have vanilla sex let alone anything more involved.
When he does get a day off, he’s trying to recover. Even if he weren’t drained, the opportunity isn’t here anyway.
So. Not fair, not appropriate. Needs to be squashed. I regret that I let it consume me. I know better.
Anyone volunteer to kick me and set me straight?
~~*~~
I’ve been having a ball on FetLife lately though. I really enjoy the people I’m “hanging” with on there. Our sense of humor is similar to one another and we do nothing but egg each other on. It’s way fun.
~~*~~
The snow is melting *finally*. It’s melted enough that I’ve discovered Christmas decorations that I forgot were out there. That was just too funny. I kept peering out the window over the course of a couple of days going, wtf is that red thing in the yard?! Someone threw trash in our yard, the bastards! Wait. Is that a..? That looks like an ornament! Who the heck would throw an ornament in our yar… Oh. Oh wait. That’s mine. Nevermind.
Still out there too. I already packed away the Christmas stuff. I am not even digging it all out again. I figure if I didn’t miss it when I was putting the stuff away, I must not love it very much so… fuck it. Hello, trash day.
The melted snow has also revealed a winter’s worth of frozen dog turds, which, I have to admit, has done a lot toward healing my heart from the loss of Sutter. I will not miss poop scooping one little tiny bit!
~~*~~
Last but not least- It’s a girl. :-)
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday March 31st, 2009 7:49am
1st – yay a girl…woohoo!! oh, but that means I can’t push all my boy stuff off on you….sigh. oh well, woot for you anyway!!
2nd – I don’t know if I can kick you in the ass and change your mood, but I can join the club if you start one.:) Sir is all consumed with his own stuff right now and I’m feeling a bit needy myself. I just keep remembering that it won’t last forever, and then I’ll be wishing he had something besides reddening my ass to occupy his time! Don’t let it die tho, trust me, dead is easier…not better.
Hmmmm…wonder if he’ll start the tasks again. :D Oops, did I say that out loud. (ducking and running for cover)
Patience may be a virtue, but it’s also a bitch :P
I’ll join that first, and second you a second!! The only problem with girls is that they are way too cute, and way too smart for their own good – you’re lost. ;-)
I’ll be in the club, too. This economy is sucking the life out of us all.
I’m so happy for you!
And I third the second, if that makes any sense.
Oh my, I’ve always wanted to see real snow!
Recession or not I have no shame in admitting I have a paid subscription for the Training Of O, of course my toilet paper comes from the dollar general ha ha!
Oh yeah, cinnamon kicks kaya squarely in her ass. Bad kaya!
I’ll fill a dumptruck up for you and send it your way the next time we have it. Which will, hopefully, not be till next winter. Though winter’s holding on pretty tightly here. It’s supposed to be 60 but with the windchill I swear it’s 17.
Kaya,
How about you kick you own ass. I seem to recall you explaining that your job as His slave is not just to do what he commands, but to anticipate his needs and respond to them. If he needs to have a good meal and a solid night in bed every day, then give him that. As for your masochistic needs reawakening, that’s great! If you happen to be unfullfilled right now because of it, be unfullfilled as service to him, keeping those needs and desires alive for when He’s ready to indulge his own sadistic cravings (and we both know he will be).
On nthe other hand, I know how hard it is to do what I just said. It’s snowing here and I’m with a cold; I have to keep my short temper and irritability away from my students when it would be sooooo much easier to simply let myself snap at them. I don’t because they’re worth it; and Scott’s worth it to you, so embrace the service you can give and hold those desires in readiness for when THAT service is also required. You’ll thak yourself in the end.
Dave
He is worth it. No question there.
AHHH!!! *runs around in circles* A girl!
…now wait until Baby Girl is Jes’ age, and see how SHE likes Teenage Entitlement Syndrome. Genetics are a bitch.
kaya — why not take the masochistic energy that’s going to waste, and put it into your blog? Write fantasies, go over past scenes and talk about how they changed your life or whatever, look at various BDSM pr0n and review it here and use it to fuel more fantasies….
In the first place, it can’t hurt because this blog makes you some money, and what with the economy and Baby on the way, some extra money never goes amiss….
And in the second place, I rather think that Master S. would rather come home to an eager, sex-and-pain-hungry slave than a complacent one — even if he’s not in a position to do anything about it that night. It would give him something to look forward to in the future. And, he is a sadist, as well you know, so knowing you’re at home stewing in yer own juices might just get him worked up enough to not be quite so exhausted he can’t use you as a sex toy when he gets home!
It’s always the better idea to chose to grab life by the balls than to settle back and let it flow past. It’s always better to chose sensation (even painful sensation) over numbness.
Maybe it’s time for him to start giving you assignments, like when he was travelling? Because right now pretty much is like he’s away from home (I know all about this because it was my Master’s and my reality for many months!) so if you just think of it like that, it can help a little. And at least you’re able to feed him right!
You know life goes like waves, through crests and troughs … you have to work on dealing with the low points the best you can, so that when the high points come, you’re ready to take the best advantage of them, and not waste them with drama and simple bad timing. This is a lesson I’ve had to learn soooooo painfully — so many opportunities for hot scenes missed because I was still holding on to being cranky about not having played for a long time … how silly is that?!
One of the hardest things about being is slave is that you have to hold yourself in readiness for your Master. To be the optimal slave, you need to be ready and anticipate his needs and desires. Keeping that up is fucking hard, sometimes it’s not even do-able, but the point is to do your best to keep it up as much as you can. Fight for the good stuff in life (heh, I almost said, “You gotta fight, for your right, to par-taaaaay!”) To use a quote from a poem about death to illustrate the point about not letting the kinky part of your life die: “Do not go gentle into that good night / rage, rage against the dying of the light.”
Why you gotta be so smart, huh?
;-)
Err, I’m not really that smart — I just sound good in text! If you chatted with me on the phone you’d be totally let down! ;)
I was just happy I got bring up the Beastie Boys and Dylan Thomas in the same paragraph!
And I’m always just happy to help you. You’ve taught me so much about how to be a slave, that I am eager and honoured to repay you whenever possible!
This is an excellent comment. Thanks for posting!
Ooo a girl!
I dunno what to suggest as far as the whole kicking you in the ass thing goes. Though I think dweaver did it quite nicely!
I just let it die. It breaks my heart and it sucks when He gets it in His head that He wants to play again finally because I have to start all over with my pain tolerance. But I survive.
I suppose I should be talking more. But I’m in the same boat with Him working long hours and being tired. Careers a constant sadist do not make.
kaya,
i’m a lurker, and a closet kinkster trying to work my fantasies into my husband’s head without freaking him out.
i’ve been with him 10 years, married 1 month; recently bought him some bondage straps & a paddle for valentine’s day (not too big of a hint, right?) thing is, his libido is near nil.
so not only are we not adding spice, vanilla would become my favorite flavor if he’d just dish it out – he thinks 4x a week is a lot! where’s the horndog I used to know? He introduced me to toys & lube when I first met him.
I tried ‘just going down’ on him cuz acourse it’s my fault since I never initiate (he doesn’t get that I want him to f***king take me) and he rolled over & said ‘not tonite hunny, I have a headache’ OUCH! he swears he loves me & i’m sexier than ever, he’s just not in the mood. please feel lucky to get sex at all!
Not sure why I am dumping this here, i’m too scared to do a profile on FL or IC or SD. I just feel that you and your readers would understand & get a kick out of a 38 yo mom of 4 (oldest 20, youngest 5 yo twins) who has always been a horny slut suddenly going, man; i’d like to get me some of that kinky-cuntly-slavey stuff. at least i’d feel like a slave for a REASON!
Love to you and yours and I thank you from the bottom of my pathetically rejected heart for your sharing your life’s ups & downs & humour and sadness. I look forward to hearing about the baby; and I agree with the commenter that intimated that karma’s a bitch and when jes figures out how smart you are (when her youngun is about 3) you can just smile and nod.
p.s. feel free to not approve this retardedly long comment!
just asking—”he thinks 4x a week is a lot”—did you mean that you still feel neglected even though you are having sex four times a week?
Heck, I want four times a week!
I just wanted to comment on one line you posted because it struck me as a common point of dissention when couples are new to bdsm.
You said: “acourse it’s my fault since I never initiate (he doesn’t get that I want him to f***king take me)”
And here’s something I’ve heard a million times over, especially considering that you, as the sub, are the one trying to get him to come to the ‘dark side’- is that, at least for a little while, you may have to be the leader.
I know that goes against everything you desire as a sub, certainly goes against everything you hear that subs are “supposed” to do and be, but it could just be that he needs this from you.
If he’s clueless to bdsm, if he’s not naturally inclined to be sadistic or forceful, it’s all a very new concept to him. And it is really difficult, I’m sure. So be the initiator and be the leader until he gets his feet under him. Until his confidence builds and he gets a taste for it, understands what you are getting out of it and why you need it.
I think it would only become a problem if he never ever reaches for the reins, or, when he does, you can’t let go of them and let him drive. (It happens!)
If you can, zip me an email. Somewhere around here I’ve got some information that might help you to help him. If I can find it!
If we kicked you in the ass, would that be a cunt punt?
lol. And would I like it? *wiggles eyebrows*
Fetlife IS a blast now and I’m glad I got my stick out of my ass about it. I realize now I just wasn’t hanging in the right places! We are teh funny/fun group, heh. The dick threads were killing me yesterday, oh god, I was dying.
Scott working so much = no kink; yeah. We’ve had a rough year or two as well. It’s really hard to get your “head” into it when one or both of you are tired or sick (as in our case, off and on). I’ll bet as the weather improves, so will your kink! :) {{{hugs}}}
A GIRL! YAY! YAY!
Now we can compare any differences! :) I’m glad for Jes, actually, I always thoughts girls as babies are a bit easier than boys so it’s good for the first born.
Of course later on that whole “girls are easier” thing changes, ahahah! :)
I think you should ask him if you can work. If he isn’t home for 12 hours anyways, you could help him bring in extra income. His wanting you to stay home may just be cutting off his nose to spite his face. Just sayin’.
Then maybe he could work shorter hours and wouldn’t be so tired and you could have that quality time without him falling asleep on you.
Unless he can’t cut his hours. In that case, I’d probably want to go with dead too.
The hours he works wouldn’t be affected by me working. He doesn’t volunteer for it for the purpose of earning more. It’s just his job. He’s salary anyway, so 10 hours or 80 hours- makes no difference.
So. Yeah. Dead..lol
Part of it really is boredom. And he keeps telling me that’ll change when the weather changes. Not only because of the garden and the chickens, but he’s apparently got something up his sleeve for outdoor slave labor. Dare I hope it contains a bdsm slant?
He enlists the help of a worker named Julius (Kadeem Hardison), biting his neck and turning him into a slowly decaying ghoul. Maximillian Hardcore
Dear Kaya, in about seventeen years, you can (mentally) point and laugh at Jes, because God (or the entity I believe in) works in mysterious ways.
Her daughter will be JUST.LIKE.HER.
Congrats on the news, glad your snow is melting, and good luck with getting the “ass kicking”, whether mental or physical, that you need.
i have contacted PainToy. Once i get the time, i hope to go up there to work with them. It’s totally my kind of site: just heavy brutal corporal punishment. i’m excited!!
Oh nice! I hope you can get in. I will so buy all of your movies! And then pester you with 800 questions about the experience. :D
the ‘reply to comment’ doesn’t work on my phone; sorry. and actually, i’m flattered you asked.
no, I don’t get it 4x a week; I am lucky if I get it 4x a month. I begged and reminded him that I’ve always had a high sex drive, so could we shoot for a few times a week? he says he’ll try for 3. so far nada. although he did let me blow him (woke him up mid-snore). he didn’t touch me or anything, but I guess its a start…
I just HATE negotiating sex. I feel unwanted.
FFS I meant to address Suze & sixthreefive directly. yes; 4x was what I asked for; nice to hear i’m not the only one. I wish I coulda replied within the comment. i’m so nervous to be talking to you guys my hands are shaking and my thumbs are missing buttons and i’m babbling like a freakin’ schoolgirl. i’ll shut up now.
Toochicken,
Relax, you’re doing just fine. Everyone’s nervous the first time they get in front of a group, even if it’s an online group such as this. No one here bites (unless you ask them to ;) ).
Dave
Congrats on the girl. Our sex life has been distracted too. I think it is the economy. Half if my husband’s division was cut and everyone else took a 20% pay cut. It is just demoralizing. He has always worked 12 hour days- so that’s not the reason here (but he has a desk job).
I just think the men are all worried.
Cheer up. Congrats again. I am going to try to get the kitchen cleaned up.
Congrats! A girl! YEY!
Sweet Kaya,
Your daughter is a doll and well you are going to be the grammy knocking them off the portch LOL. Congrats!!! Girls are so much fun. They are the bestest snugglers too… Lucky girl is getting a hip and fantastic grammy huh??
On another note… THe Dru note LOL, He is very handsome and when I met him the first time I was shocked that he could be so evil LOL, He has the eyes that draw you in and at one point I heard blood curdling screaming and of course went towards it or I should say Master drug me towards it LOL and what do I see a lady all tied down on a pool table spread eagle with zippers up and down her inner thighs but the thing that was making her scream I thought was Dru torturing her P*ssy with what I thought was his big hands, yeah I was wrong as I got closer I realized he had gloves on protecting his hands from what you ask??? A whole friggen full thing of stinging nettles, OMG!!!
I had never seen anything like it and on one hand I wanted to pass out on the other i think I had a fantasty a time or two about that scene!! He is awesome and for sure one of the people I have met that his whole body and demeanor just OOZES Sadist and you are instantly captivated. THe funniest part is when Master and I said wonder who would sign up in that line we both mouthed KAYA at the same time LOL.
Smoochies
tia