I love you like a fat kid loves cake…
I’m the only one awake. The only sounds are the ticking of the clock on the wall, and the quiet hum of the cat’s water fountain. It’s not quite light outside, though it should be. It’s going to be a gray day.
Master is in bed; sleeping still. I tried to cajole him into some morning sex before he let me out of bed, but though he gave me a couple of appreciative gropes and encouraging moans, he didn’t quite wake up enough to be interested. But that’s okay. The day is young and sex can happen at any time.
Isn’t that great? I have all day long to get laid. How lucky am I?
My good luck is mostly what I’m going to yammer about. How lucky I am to have him.
We have a beautiful home. We have great kids. We’re all healthy. We aren’t rich, but we aren’t hungry. I look around this house and there isn’t a single material thing that I want for. There is nothing my kids want for. But more than that, more importantly than that, is that I am not lonely.
The greatest gift he gives me is himself.
I remember being lonely. We haven’t been together long enough that I’ve forgotten what that was like, how it felt. That emptiness, that gnawing sadness. I hope I never completely forget it. I have more appreciation for him when I can pull up that aching memory.
He took me out for dinner last night, just the two of us. We sat across from each other, holding hands across the table. We talked, we laughed, we shared food. We lingered, long after we’d eaten ourselves into a stupor and our dinner was boxed up to take home, sipping our drinks and touching… talking.
We talk about everything: his work, the kids, who is doing what when, who said what when, the world, weather, money, the future.
The future.
He probably has no clue what it means to me when he talks about our future. When he discusses with me his plans for 5, 10, 20 years down the road. When he points to the sweet, elderly couple dining next to us and smiles and says, “We’ll be like that some day.”
I think one has to have been in a place where they couldn’t see a future to fully appreciate the wonder of being offered a bright and happy one.
Oh, I know there are no guarantees. Bad things happen to good people every day. I know. But it’s not the guarantee or the promise of a future that I’m holding on to. It’s just knowing there is the potential for one that has meaning.
I told him about the tests the doctor was running, joking about cancer in the same way I’d lightheartedly written the journal post that I shared with all of you, but instead of laughing with me, he grabbed me up, pulling me to him and squeezing painfully tight, hissing, “I’m not going to lose you, tess. You hear me?”
He’s already lost someone special to cancer. I didn’t think of how he would hear it. But it showed me, reminded me. ‘Here is someone who cares. About me.’ That truth boggles me, surprises me anew every time I remember. The hows and the whys baffle me. Why me? Why us?
How did I get so bloody lucky?
He doesn’t get the credit that he deserves for everything he’s done for me and the kids. All of the turmoil he’s pushed through, the ups and downs. How hard he’s worked, not just at his career to provide the finances enough to raise 3 kids, plus a grandkid, and keep me at home-though that is huge all by itself.
There have been many times when I’ve asked for far more than that: times I’ve needed to be allowed to parent in ways he didn’t agree with; asked him to change, to grow, to wait, to have patience, to help, or.. to step back, step away, stay out…
He has. Not always. Sometimes he pushes back, changes me, makes me see, makes me do what is painful and difficult.
And somehow, we’ve come through crisis after crisis, intact. Together. Stronger.
It’ll be years yet before my kids fully understand and appreciate everything he’s done for them. I see inklings of it now, as they’ve gotten older and made those first few tentative steps into adulthood and realized that the world buffered by parents who provide and care is not at all the reality they’re facing in independence. I’ve watched Jes, paycheck in hand, realize that gas and diapers eats that up so quickly, with nothing left to ‘play’. I’ve watched her have to turn down a night out, or getting take out and movie rentals, in favor of having enough for gas to get to work and school, and to take care of her baby… and then gently reminded her that she still has a phone because we kept her on our plan, that she can still drive because we’ve kept her, and her car, on our insurance- and that I just renewed her plates for her.
Not because we want to hear groveling or because I want her to feel bad. We don’t want that. But all of these years that he’s provided and given and paid for and done for with nothing in return… well, they just have no clue what that means. They couldn’t know, can’t know, until they have to do it alone. And he’s still doing it, longer than maybe he should have to. I want them to know that. I want them to know that without him and what he is doing for us, there wouldn’t be a cell phone plan to share. Having the gift of car insurance wouldn’t be an option if I were on my own. There wouldn’t have been a 4 day trip to an award banquet. So, appreciate it. I sure do.
He doesn’t do it for the thanks, though. He does it because he loves me. Because he loves them. I appreciate that more than I can even put into words. He loves them.
Every now and then he’ll congratulate us both on how much we’ve grown when we sidestep a fight by being reasonable and adult, using compromise and discussion. Sure, sure, he plays video games and I watch The Bad Girls Club. No reason in completely stifling our inner child. But we’re getting this relationship business down to a fine art. ;)
My son was 9 years old when he and I met. Matchbox cars, Gameboy, still afraid of the dark. Now, my son is going to be 16 and the toys are long gone. It just amazes me how far we’ve come together, and what we’ve accomplished. Almost seven years I’ve been his. It simultaneously feels like just yesterday, and a thousand, wonderful years ago.
There you have it. My sappy birthday message to the boss o’ me.
Not a single mention of the kink, or of how he took my darkest, most shameful fantasies and brought them to life, and what an amazing gift that has been.
But I talk about that stuff all the time. That stuff is the icing.
Today was about cake.
Happy birthday, Master.
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Saturday February 5th, 2011 9:01am
Just a great post
A lovely (and loving) tribute… It totally made me cry…
Thank you for sharing and Happy Birthday to Him.
kk
Sweet kk´s last [type] ..ties that bind
Very sweet. Not every icing comes with cake and not every cake comes with icing. Being able to eat it too is a big plus!
lil´s last [type] ..Control feak
Amen to that! :)
zelda´s last [type] ..Update and apologies
That was a really beautiful post!
lydiab6´s last [type] ..Fiction – Aby Part 2
Happy birthday to him. Happy lifetime to you both.
Awwwwe….
That is just beautiful. You are lucky. So is he. Together, you’ve done wonderful things. Happy birthday — I wish you many, many more.
Hugs, swan
Aww, that’s so sweet. Happy Birthdy
SteveScott. You hardly sound like a bad-ass at all here.sin´s last [type] ..Everything is Relative
Sweet, poignant, moving… absolutely lovely. Thank you.
xantu´s last [type] ..Trip to the beach- Part One
What a beautiful, wonderful tribute to both of you for your love and marriage. :) I know it didn’t come easily, either, did it? It’s hard work but it’s the best kind of work because it’s so fulfilling and so worth the hard parts. Kudos to you guys! :D
Ha, I asked my Dan to read this (he almost *never* reads blogs and growls at me when I ask, but he did read this one) and he said, quote, “that was very nice and very, uh, familiar…” heh.
Yes. Yes it is. We’re both lucky, Kaya. :)
Btw, this is why I think the anonymous’ who can get so huffy about anyone enjoying D/s are so funny; they think it’s just the darker nasty stuff. They have no idea of the rest of it, which is so incredibly awesome and their clueless disapproval never fails to crack me right up! :D
That was beautiful! I almost leaked. I am glad you’re happy and I’m lad he’s happy!!
Who’s been chopping onions in here?
You’re *both* lucky. And your kids. They will eventually realize how much you’ve both done for them. You really are a great writer, kaya.
what a wonderful post; thank you for sharing. happy birthday to your boss!
Well hell, Kaya. That was so goshdarn sweet I don’t know what to do with myself now. Happy birthday to the Bossman.
Tomboy Femme´s last [type] ..Review- Natural Contours BonBon
I totally get it Kaya, I’m blessed with a man like that too. I too have no idea what I did to deserve to break free of the horrible cycle of lonliness and self hatred, to be able to feel self worth in the glow of his care and love.
Scott, to you, a happy birthday, and hopefully loads more to come,
To both of you, grow old together, but never grow up :)
I can’t describe how happy I am for you both Kaya, but I can tell you it makes me smile and light-hearted to read how much love you have for him. Here is wishing you both a wonderful day and many many more to come!
You made me cry, Kaya. This is beautiful. You are both extremely lucky to have found each other, but the two of you work hard for it too.
It is exactly because you show more depth in your relationship than just the kink, that we all keep coming back. I will still be reading, if you are still posting, when you and the birthday boy are that cute little old couple, and I am a crotchety old crazy cat lady.
Happy Birthday Scott.
kellyred´s last [type] ..Comfortable
hugs you.
Years ago before when He told me what kind of woman He was looking for, it told me how unsatisfied He was, how He also experienced the lonliness you describe here. He longed for a certain kind of woman, to dom and to hold for that day forward! ha! He was looking for YOU. A week after you met, you were forever to be known as “My tess”. Still makes me so happy you are both happy together. Happy birthday to the former MoF! Butter Pecan ice cream for all! xoxox r.
WOW!!! What a great present to give someone… Loving, sharing, togetherness… Ain’t Life Grand…… May you both have many more years together in peace and harmony.
kaya,
That was one of the sweetest tributes to him. Thanks for letting us see into that part of your life.
You made me sniffle with that post…so well written and just beautiful…
Happy birthday to Scott!!!
claudia
I don’t see how you could say it any beter than that. Congratulations on realizing and appreciating what you have. So few do.
Awwwww….
Now I’m getting all teary.
subtle slavegirl´s last [type] ..Is that a wookie or a hairbrush
beautiful, everyone should read this post and realise D/s is about normal relationships and events too.
Happy belated birthday Scott
vixen´s last [type] ..Want more traffic Publicize now makes it easy
That’s so great. There’s nothing I can add except to echo CONGRATULATIONS and a Long Happy Live to you both.
- Don
What a beautiful post!
I’m all teary…that was beautiful!
Awwww. Squeee. xx
lovely post Kaya. Some come here to read only the kink. Not me, i’ve been coming for many years now. Posts like this keep it all in reality. Thank you for your words and your insight these past years.
thanks for making me cry. so thoughtful of you.
i always say there is a special place in heaven for loving, good step dads.
sometimes people do one thing that makes them good in my eyes for ever more.him saying yes to the 2 newest cats sealed that for me with him.
happy birthday to one of the good guys.
tess…..
that was…well, okay, i’m all teary eyed and weepy over this and i’m not even married to ya….incredibly moving. incredibly loving.
Happy Birthday Master of kaya…you are two most blessed peoples…..and i wish you tons of memories and time together…
nilla