I did it again…*sigh*
Well nobody kicked me. You were supposed to kick me when I went off the deep end, remember?
I had actually started that post in a fairly good mood. A simple, informative response to a misunderstanding. Somewhere about the middle though, PMS hit with a vengeance and before I knew what was happening, I was bawling at the keyboard. The good news? I deleted the last half of the post..lol. It was really, really bad.
I’m okay now.
I guess, as in many things that I’m discovering on the Big Bad Internet, my God was I a sheltered child. I’ve never been on the receiving end of hatred. I’m not saying it’s because I’m likable, necessarily, more that I just did my thing pretty quietly and didn’t draw any attention to it, but whatever the reason, this is a new experience. I’ll get there though.
I have days where I let the negativity roll off my back. The more mature and confident approach to it, obviously. And then I have days where I’m… less than mature.
It was just too much at once. Master not coming home, my kid’s mouth, pms, the whole school thing (which reaches a frenzy tomorrow. One kid has an eye doc appt early. Then it’s registration for one in the afternoon, plus school pictures. Then registration for another in the evening along with the usual Welcome to Junior High! parents meeting that I’ve already attended twice and don’t want to attend again but it’s also the kids informative meeting so I *have* to attend, plus his school pictures as well.) There was the let down of having rushed to get the room done for nothing, Master’s increasingly weary voice when He calls….
…and that list could go on forever. We’ve all got something (or somethings) going on in our lives. Stresses and problems and all of that. It gets harder and harder to lay them out here though, as determined as I am (was) to keep this journal as honest and open as possible. It’s hard.
I don’t know how to get in to that “fuck them” place. I want to!…lol. I really, really want to. Maybe it’ll just come in time.
Anyway, the snit is over, though PMS is not so I may spew more crap in a day or two. Should I hand out ponchos at the door, for protection from the emotional vomit over-spray?
That was nasty.
Speaking of nasty, the girls cornered me today and demanded to know what smegma is. Apparently they overheard it from the neighbor boy (and I do not want to know what conversation he was having). Wikipedia failed me this time. It was way too technical, and had pictures which I hadn’t counted on and wasn’t quite prepared to go over with the girls. That was an interesting conversation, to say the least.
So it’s late and I’m sufficiently humiliated for the previous outburst. I won’t delete it though I want to. I played into it, again. If I continue to make a fool out of myself and keep it where I can see it, maybe I’ll stop.
Good night, all. :D
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Wednesday August 9th, 2006 1:19am
smegma??
you couldn’t have filled us in?? now i have to go look for myself .. whatever the devil smegma is??? doesn’t even look like a proper word for heaven’s sakes…
as for the nay sayers… i don’t know.. am i lucky?? do i fly just under their radar?? i don’t think i have ever had one.. no not quite true i did have a little run in with a Master who will remain nameless… but it was short lived and i figured out he was a twit right off.. but for the most part i must fly under the radar….. i AM sorry these buggers seem to get to you … tell ya what .. post their blog sites and we’ll ALL go over and bitch slap ‘em.. that should work dontcha think?? (i am being cheeky in case anyone gets confused)…
again kaya.. just hang in there…
morningstar (owned by Warren)
http://wtsubbie.blogspot.com/
SMEGMA??
oh my god kaya……. did a quick search and now i am gagging my head off here.. SMEGMA??!! and before my morning coffee yet !! YOU could have warned me kaya!!! ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww.. god that is gross at 5 am….. ok ok.. now i want to know .. what the hell were the boys discussing with your daughters….ewwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww…
morningstar (owned by Warren)
Re: SMEGMA??
LMAO!
The boys weren’t talking to the girls, thank God. They were talking amongst themselves and the girls were eavesdropping.
It is nasty though, isn’t it?…lol
chin up
kaya, don’t let all of the negativity get you down. for every one person that posts a negative comment to you, you can be certain that there are at least 100 of us out here in cyberland that read your posts and are truly impressed with your intelligence, wisdom, humor and humanity. just so you know, i for one have been inspired to laughter, tears, anger, jealousy and joy by your words.
and yes one of these days you will get to that ‘fuck em’ place, but you can never stay there, that’s what makes you different. that’s what makes you human.
wishing you happy thoughts,
Daddy’s little one
Re: chin up
Thank you sweetheart. You humble me with your words. *hugs*
*kick*
and one for me
*kick*
See, if I had been around when you read whatever it was that was so stupid (I’m guessing I know who and where), I could have pointed out a few things, like: hey, consider the source (really, baby, would you listen if Susan Smith called you a bad mother?), and hey! aren’t you glad you aren’t so fucked-up and ugly as that?
I mean really, one or two posts about someone, ok, maybe we’ve all had a bug up our ass about someone at some point, but to keep doing it? For weeks on end? That’s obsessive to say the least – and pretty much the most pathetic thing I’ve ever heard of. How much of a fucking loser do you have to be to do that?
Anyway, I digress. Yes, it’s PMS, baby, and how you didn’t smack her smart mouth, I’ll never know. Big time pats on the back for that one.
And yes, you need to leave that post up, even if it makes you blush and cringe, because one of the things that makes us such *fabulous* women is we don’t run from our fuck-ups, and we don’t blame someone else – or take it out on someone else. We own up to what we do – and then keep on keeping on.
I love you. I’ll try to be here today when you are. We’ll keep the fingers crossed.
I didnt smack her mouth but I did take all of her new clothes away because “I’m a bitch *dramatic sigh* and thats what bitch moms do. sucks to be you, doesnt it?”
Yeah that brough about an apology real quick. Ungrateful turd. :D
*hugs* I’m going to miss you this weekend.
I would’ve kicked, if i’d been around. I was in bed snoring my head off though. sorry sweetness.
you know, you said you didn’t know how to brush off the negativity. Here’s how. when you read something negative, turn off the puter monitor a moment, so that you can’t see the comment or whatever it was. stand up, and just look around you. *really* look around you. look at your home, your children, think about your Master, your garden, your life. Open yourself and ask yourself, truly, how it could be any better, and be honest with yourself: if it *could* be better, is it down to you that its not better? is it something that you’re working on? there’ll always be little things, but if you truly, honestly ask yourself, you’ll find that you stack up pretty good on the plus side of things. take a very deep breath, then go back and treat the negative comment with the contempt it deserves.
okay babes?
i’ll still kick your ass if you want… but personally I’d rather give you a big tight *huggggggggggggggggggggggggggssssssssssssss(WI)* and *then* kick your ass to get you started for the day.
keth
xxxxxxxxx
I’m sorry. You lost me at ” turn off the puter monitor a moment”.
Are you nucking futs??
:P
*hugs* Thank you,babes. Everything you said is true and thats what I will do next time.
I love how you are so dedicated to masochism that if your Master isn’t around to put you in your painfully happy place, you beat yourself up emotionally to get there.
(that was intended to be lighthearted..never know how things translate across the internet…hah)
Don’t apologize for being however you have to be. PMS, confused, angry, giddy, sexy..whatever. All those different facets of you serve to make up the kaya-s we love to read.
It’s interesting how similar we are in some ways, and yet I couldn’t be more further from your lifestyle. I’m just curious, when your Master is away and he tells you he loves you, he misses you, he needs you, does that help ease the ache a bit? Knowing you aren’t suffering alone?
If he doesn’t say those things, maybe you could talk to him about needing to hear it, too?
I know it helped with my long distance love.
*hugs!*
~turkey baster girl
Oh He absolutely does. Sometimes our entire conversation might be nothing more than repeated words of love and missing you’s. In fact, this afternoon when He called, He was getting quite emotional and though I need to hear that, it hurts so much to not be able to reach through the phone and make it better somehow.
I love how you are so dedicated to masochism that if your Master isn’t around to put you in your painfully happy place, you beat yourself up emotionally to get there.
That made me giggle out loud. :-D
*hugs* Thank you.
I’ve never been able to find the “Screw them all!” place. Instead, I have an admittedly very silly and childish method of dealing with things that come up that hurt me.
I don’t know if you can use it or not. If not, hopefully you can just laugh or smile at what a silly little idea it is.
Ever since childhood, when hurtful or confusing situations came up, I pretended I was a princess. (I was a voracious reader as a child.) I thought about the princesses I knew and what they would do in that situation and I tried to mimic that.
Alternatively, (and interestingly, looking back) I pretended I was a perfect, harem slave girl in disguise and was too well trained to do anything that would bring disgrace on my family/owners.
It’s silly and imperfect, but it helped me find a lot of grace as a kid. Even now when I’m feeling lost, it helps me. Sometimes if I can pretend it doesn’t hurt for long enough, it stops hurting.
Oh that is too precious. I am going to try that for sure. I’m even going to imagine my sparkly princess gown.
Thank you! :-)
Honey, you explain in to them in very dry, technical terms. Just give them what they want to know and don’t embellish it. I had a conversation at the dinner table with all of my lil’ones about queefs. One of the kids told another to ask mom and it snowballed from there. However, my approach put a damper on it, it became a learning opportunity and somehow, the stigma of being “wrong” to talk about just went away. To the point of “Cool! Can you do that mom?” which was a bit over the top, but I think I managed. (I won’t even go into all the puns in this comment that amused me hehe)
You have no reason for humiliation. You expressed your feelings. Period. So what? Don’t sweat the small stuff. Let it out and it cannot poison you ok? THat’s what the point is of letting it out!
Now as to how you handled the phone call and responses with your Master…I have a few opinions on that one, but you didn’t ask.
I am so sorry He is still gone, just think of all the time you ahve to catch up on all you missed while you were preparing His surprise!
Hang in there, He will be home soon!
Hugs,
magdala~
Since when do I have to ask for your opinion?? Silly woman. I *count* on getting your opinion.
The smegma conversation was just hilarious. It went into all sorts of other things, like circumcision and oral sex and cleanliness. I like that the kids will ask me anything, even if I do have to eventually say “enough” when they, like yours did, wanted to know more personal details.
I hope your vacation is wonderful!
*hugs*
“Well nobody kicked me. You were supposed to kick me when I went off the deep end, remember?”
Sorry, kaya, I’m too unbalanced myself right now … if I lifted a leg to kick someone else, I might topple over myself.
sending you a **hug** though
lol.. well you could just prop your foot on me if that would help. :)
Thank you. *hugs*
feel better m’dear
You continually inspire and amaze me with your dedication and realness. I sometimes will think to myself, while looking at a picture, or reading a post, “my god, I could never do that”, but it makes me admire you so much more. But what I must admit that I like most about you is your ability to be genuine, to be real, to be level headed, a smart, decisive, emotional woman. I think you’re amazing for opening yourself up so easily to hundreds, if not thousands of anonymous people on the net…
If the fuck-heads ever get you down, although i know it must be hard, think of all the people who find inspiration from your strength, and of all the people who would comment on your journal and on any other in your defence.
Sorry if that seemed creepy or grammatically funky, i pretty much just woke up, but dammit Kaya, you have enough to deal with. You don’t need bored, lame-ass fuckers making you feel bad.
I hope your Master comes home quickly and safely :)
~heather
Re: feel better m’dear
Thank you so very much. Its people like you who more than make up for those “bored, lame-ass fuckers” and thats what I need to keep in mind when one of them drops by. I am getting there, getting to where I can shrug them off like pesky mosquitos, but I falter somedays. I’ll keep working on it. :-)
*hugs*
*hugs* no need to feel bad for feeling what you do love… sure, it’s be easier on you if you could just let it roll all off… but it’s not always so easy…
Angel, just be you… we like you :*
*hugs* thank you sexy. :)
I don’t know you, and I’ve never left a comment here, but I’ve read every post you’ve ever written. From those readings I feel I truly know parts of you. Anyone who could read all of that and NOT think that you are an amazing woman simply didn’t read it all. Yes you love your dirty naughty life – but you also love your family, and your “husband *cough*master*” Dont’ let the people who judge you bother you – judge not lest ye be judged – they’ll get theirs.
Wow. Thank you. *blush*
Karma is a wonderful thing. :D
Garbage from someone
Just Remember, “Only the Great Ones get criticism” If Abe Lincoln had shut down at the first negetive he got, the blacks would still be owned and the civil war would still be going on. Just swallow hard, take a deep breath and shout
“FUCK HIM !!!”
Re: Garbage from someone
*grins* I like your style. :D
ya know,
reality is, we all fall for it at times. i fall for it at times and i’m a fucking therapist, kaya!! so much for schooling being helpful!
and you did really well. you didn’t get abusive. you got clear and concise.
and yeah, pms hit. it hit here too. how come we missed it when blue warned us???
i love you, sweetie. 2.5 weeks to blog.
MSkitten
Re: ya know,
We really need to start listening to her. She’s a smart lady!
2 weeks. I can wait 2 weeks. :D
I have been lurking around your blog for months now. I am strictly vanilla in my sex life, but I never feel out of place reading your blog because you write about so much more than what happens in your bedroom. I find your life and lifestyle fascinating. You seem like such an amazing woman. What keeps me coming back here is the eloquent way in which you express all aspects of your life.
In all social settings, it seems as if there are always those pathetic souls who insist on hurting others out of spite. I can not imagine that anyone can judge you as a person, or as a wife or mother based on the few words that they read on your blog. Please don’t let the insensitive comments of a few bigots discourage your writing. You should be proud that you are courageous enough to put yourself out there like this.
Thank you so very, very much. If not for people like you, I couldn’t do this. I’m truly blessed to have any of you, even if it is just for a moment in one comment. Thank you.
*hugs*