Hiding
So… you ever have days where you just want to crawl under a rock? Days where shame and guilt and embarrassment are just too heavy to bear.
The punishment yesterday was bad. The punishment to come if I ever do that again will be worse. But this… this humiliating disgrace is much harder to get through than any whipping ever could be.
He was very calm, very loving, very matter of fact about things yesterday. I sometimes think I’m going to blindside Him.. or shock Him.. trip Him up somehow. I never do though. Not that I want to, but the fact that He anticipates.. and responds appropriately… with calm determination just fucks with my head.
Yep, it’s only me wigging out. Not Him. I find His confidence a bit unnerving. It’s comforting too.. maybe I’m just irritated that I’m not as confident.. or as calm.. of course He isn’t the one putting His life in someone else’s hands either. I think I’m justified to flip out now and then.
LOL.. and question my own sanity too.
The facts are… Master has some pretty heavy plans for me. It’s not in the immediate future, except for small tastes of it when the kids are gone, but it is there. I know it’s coming and as much as it makes my cunt tremble, it frightens me too. I’ve asked, a time or two, what if I change my mind? what if I want out? The answers now are… too late. Too bad. There are no other options left.
So, when I’m feeling ignored it’s not like…. oh I want to play and He’s doing whatever and this isn’t fair, blah blah blah…. its more like… when I’m nothing.. when I’m locked away in a cage somewhere, indefinitely…. the very idea of Him “forgetting” me sends me into a full-blown panic. Blah, I can’t explain it.
I’m going back under my rock.
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Wednesday October 26th, 2005 8:46am
The humiliating disgrace is what makes it so easy to release though. If you keep it to yourself, then you never really let go of it or learn from it, IMO anyways. It’s cathartic, cleansing. Much like some christians use confession or public repenting to wash away their sins.
(the author of this comment offers no opinions on the above mentioned persons only offers the neutral example of their actions)
magdala~
ps: I hide in the back of my closet, you can join me there if you like and no one can find us :)
Scootch over, I’m coming in.
Come on in baby, I have pillows too!
magdala~
Stupid Questions!!!!
I apologize if I sound totally naive, but I am very curious about some things if you don’t mind providing a bit of insight for a relative newbie :)
I have one main question, and a million others depending on the answer to the first….
The cunt in a cage idea – is this meant literally or figuratively?
Please feel free to tell me to shut up and go away if I offend or impose.
Re: Stupid Questions!!!!
It’s meant literally. In time. We have kids at home still so that comes first. But the training, the mindset… that starts now.
I would never tell you to shut up and go away..:) We are both very open to questions.
Re: Stupid Questions!!!!
OK – literally a cage – I’m assuming 24/7 except when Master takes you out to use you….. I already gathered that a key would be somewhere accessible for emergencies, and bathroom issues resolved.
I have more questions about the technical aspects of it:
How does housework get done? Groceries, errands?
What about muscular attrition?
Will you be allowed outside at all? If even just to get sunshine for your health?
Will you still be allowed online?
What steps will be taken to maintain your mental health?
Again, this is all just to satisfy my own curiosity, so telling me to shut up is still an option :)
Re: Stupid Questions!!!!
Master has different ideas for different cages. All to some varying degree of uncomfortableness. But also, all of them of different sizes and shapes to ensure adequate movement. And some days it won’t be a cage at all, but just a chain locked to something. Those days will most likely be the days that I do the cleaning, etc.
I’ll be His toy, His pet, His “object”. Errands and groceries, even now, are at His discretion. Sometimes He’ll take me along, sometimes He won’t. That all depends on His mood at the time.
He is saying now that I’ll still be allowed online to do the journal. However, with all the hoopla going on about blogs and journals being shut down and censored by the government, that could be a non-issue by then. And honestly, what would I have to write about really? “I spent today in the cage.”?…lol. Who wants to read that.
I will be allowed outside… to mow the lawn if nothing else. The yardwork is another one of my chores. We plan to move somewhere pretty reclusive anyway… to offer chances of outdoor bondage, etc… so mowing while collared and cuffed.. or tied to a tree while He does whatever are real possibilities.
My mental health… emotional health… even physical health to some degree… thats maybe not going to be such a priority. Thats why the training is now…to get me to a place, a mindset, where I can function while being that cunt in a cage. I’m getting used to being ignored (sort of..lol).. to not being fed.. to being denied the bathroom when I need it.. to “shut the fuck up and take it”.
Ask away.. I rather like talking about it..:)
Re: Stupid Questions!!!!
Oh I think you will have a lot to talk about actually – to contribute to that mental/emotional well-being. You will need somewhere I would think anyway, to vent, connect, outpour thoughts and feelings. Afterall, Master still wants a human being with thoughts and emotions to some degree….
It’s so interesting to hear of your journey and training. If I didn’t have to work to keep our household and standard of living, I think I would be on a very similar journey alongside you :)
i can understand….
i know what you mean about pushing the line, i want my warrior to remind me that he’s my warrior and to be honest, if he wasn’t hard on me, i’d lose all respect for him.
we are just getting into the spanking as a punishment…he’d always keep me in line, but different…i like this way better, except i looked really forward to my “punishment” today….for the first time in my life!!!
thanks for stopping by my site….i look forward to reading more from you…even when you feel like hiding!!
~wind walker
I am so sorry I wasn’t here for you yesterday – lol I was too busy being a needy whore to come online (but I’ll get to all that, in my post :-)
I don’t blame you for being scared. Have I told you yet I would worry if all this didn’t freak you the fuck out? You and I are a pair of twisted little girlies for sure … but even as twisted and insane as we are, we know this is … bigtime. Serious shit. This ain’t no party, this ain’t no disco, this ain’t no foolin around. One wrong step, one wrong branch of the path .. and well, it could be … bad. How could you not be at least a little scared, no matter how much you trust Him?
Just breathe. If nothing else, your safety net is in place – and it’s a strong one, cupcake.
Just like you.
Are you sure your moon isn’t coincideing with my womans moon, because the two of you sure sound like you have a lot in common right now!
And I still cannot figure how to leave my name on this thing!
Storm Rider
Hiding
I hear you about crawling under the rock. I’ve felt like that the last few days. It’s harder with the lifestyle to go hide though. I know my Master won’t let me.
Hope you feeling a bit better …