He left. :(
I’d hoped the weather would cause His flight to be canceled but even though we’re getting a blizzard here, the Big City Airport is still up and running (the bastards) and apparently Mexico isn’t getting snow at all. Go figure. :P
Hopefully one of the neighbors will have so much fun doing their snowblower, they’ll do our sidewalk so I don’t have to shovel it. We have a snowblower but Master’s never shown me how to run it. I could probably figure it out (turn it on and push it, right?) but it’s not been used at all so it probably needs lots-o-manly-maintenance stuff like gas and oil or sumfin. With my luck, I’d start it and blow the motor. Probably best if I just shovel like a good little slave.
(At least I get to wear a coat and everything.. Neener neener Lisa. :P)
Speaking of good little slaves, I smacked up hard against a brick wall last night over the stupidest thing. He’d told me to get up out of bed to switch the DVD in the player and I just flat out refused. In fact, I told Him I’d take the punishment for it and that I was not going to get up.
Here’s the thing. It was late, about 1am or so. I’d already been up three times to fetch Him shit things He wanted. Get out of the nice warm bed, go all the way upstairs to get Him a bag of chips, get back in bed, get warm and comfy, then get up again, go all the way upstairs to put the chips away, come back, get warm and comfy, get up AGAIN, go all the way upstairs to refill His water glass, get back in bed, warm and comfy… and then this whole DVD thing. And.. see.. neither of us were going to watch the movie. I was *trying* to go to sleep, and He needed to. He was just flat out being mean.
So I refused. And argued.
Of course there was no arguing. Not really. I didn’t get to “barter” the consequences and I finally did it. But man-oh-man was I pissed. And sure enough, He didn’t even turn the movie on. I was so mad that I was forming this big ol speech on how I’d be His ‘bottom’, His sex slave or masochist, whatever.. but dammit, I was done being His *everything* slave.
All of that drama over a flippin’ DVD? Nah.. it wasn’t about the DVD or getting out of bed. I knew He was leaving this morning and it’s been an intense week. A great week, an incredible week… I just acted out a little. I hate it when He has to travel.
It’s not being glossed over, no matter what my reasons for doing it are. I’ve got an “assignment” to do from it. This sentence “I will not say no to Master when He tells me to do something.” followed by the definition of ‘no’, 100 times. I loathe writing lines. Hate hate HATE it. Nobody to blame but my own stubborn ass though. :(
Last night’s “beating” was off. It felt more like something that we *had* to do instead of something that we *wanted* to do. Like, “oh I’m leaving tomorrow so I better spank her even though I’m not really in the mood” kind of thing, until we finally just looked at each other and realized, Hey, how about we just stop.. and did. I’m sore enough from this week anyway. Hell, I’m still bruised from this session.
Master recorded Himself coming in my mouth while I was sleeping the other night and it’s absolutely surreal watching it. I don’t remember it and it’s so robotic-like that it just gives me the willies. He loves it, all puffed-chest caveman type of stuff. I’ll see if I can find somewhere to post it (I’ll check out the site you recommended magdala), though I’ll warn you all I am no sleeping beauty..lol
I’ve got a ton of pictures to sort out so I’m sure I’ll be posting and detailing things as I remember them. Right now I’m too overloaded to be able to do that.
I don’t think I’m going to be able to repy to all the comments. I’ll answer some questions here though.
The movies:
I put the film clips together using Windows Movie Maker. It’s a super easy program to use (I am the queen of techno-ignorance remember). It splits long clips into smaller clips, so you can leave out scenes if you want, and you can put shorter ones together to make one long one. And it somehow changes the size of the file(compresses it maybe?). For instance, I can take a clip off the camera that will say it’s 110MB. Load it up on the program, it splits it up like I said, but even if I just reload each clip and save it, the final clip will have changed to a 60MB file. Pretty handy-dandy stuff. :D
And to take stills from a clip I use HP Image zone plus which came with the comp. I’m not sure how easy it is to get either of these programs if you don’t already have them. They both came pre-loaded on XP. With the Image zone plus program, I can save a clip frame by frame if I want to.
The hood:
I don’t find that it’s claustrophobic (or hot) at all. Which is surprising considering that I cannot stand to have things over my face. Like a blanket or a scarf or anything like that, I think I’m suffocating and dying. But the hood doesn’t bring up that reaction. Now, He’s not yet zipped up the mouth and that might set me off.
It’s a bit hard to breath in it. The nose holes are woefully inadequate for “scene-type” gasping. If I was just sitting still while wearing it, I could probably be fine with just the nose holes, but to wear it when He’s causing me to cry or whatever, even with the mouth unzipped, I’m still rather frantically trying to hold that hole open with my tongue. The last session we had (the pussy torture one), I had the ball gag in and the mask, and had I not been having to lie so still, I’d probably have panicked a bit with the difficulty in getting mouthfuls of oxygen. But, on the other hand, knowing that my oxygen intake is semi-blocked forces me to remain still(er), quiet(er), and to control my breathing. I can see lots of possibilities with the mask in that sense.
It’s not completely blinding. The zipped up eyes let in some light and I can see the shadows of His movements, enough to pretty much know what it is He’s doing (or about to do). But it creates a sense of isolation that even the full-black out blindfold doesn’t. Sound is muffled, vision is obstructed, breathing is restricted. It’s really a unique and amazing sensation. I can’t escape the smell of leather, not for one second, and that scent is one of those olfactory memory connections. You know how a certain smell will place you mentally and emotionally right back in a place or time? The scent of leather pulls up the whole s&m emotion.
Clit sucker:
Yep, snake bite kit, Wal-Mart, about 3 bucks.
Toy cleaning:
Master answered some of this already. Any sex toys, I just use soap and water. I figure if soap is good enough for my punani, it’s good enough for whatever is going in it too. Um.. needles and scalpels are one-time use, toss-em out things. Tack bra, or anything else that’s pokey but not disposable, I wipe off with rubbing alcohol and a cotton ball. Paddles and canes that get bloody are wiped off either with soap and water or alcohol. And as far as leather cleaning, I know some people go to great lengths with leather care products, but we don’t. Honestly, we don’t have anything (yet) that’s really expensive leather stuff. No fetish wear (obviously *snicker*) and any paddles or floggers that we have aren’t hugely expensive. We’re budget bdsm’ers. Now I’m not sure about the hood, where He got it or how much it was so I suppose I should check into the best way to clean that.
Permanent marks:
Other than the scarring on my breasts, which is done on purpose, I’ve never had another permanent mark. Now I do know that some other people have experienced certain spots on their bodies that always seem to break open. swan, for one, has talked of a spot on her butt that never seems to heal completely and opens and bleeds fairly consistently. Repeated trauma (and make no mistake, s&m is causing trauma to your body) can have different long-lasting effects for each individual. Based on age, weight, physiology, health, nutrition, lifestyle, etc. etc. So I could say “oh don’t worry about it! It’s never happened to me so it must be safe!” but that’s not necessarily true for you. Know thyself, yanno?
Treating the marks:
Once the scene is over, I can pretty much put anything I want on my marks. I can ask Him to do it and He’s never denied me. Mostly though, like 99.9% of the time, I don’t want to. I rather enjoy feeling them exactly as they are. I don’t want them cooled down or made to feel better. I let the pain dissipate on it’s own.
Aftercare is not something that I’ve ever wanted or needed. Aftercare, at least how I’ve always viewed it, seems apologetic to me. And the last thing that I want to deal with after a heavy scene is thinking that Master “regrets” what He’s done and is trying to make it up to me by being all nicey-nice about it. I’d much rather have Him shove me into a cage or a corner and announce that He’s “done with my slutty ass” then to be all petting and soothing and tender.
Take the carvings on my breasts. I like that He sprays it with alcohol, or pours salt on it and smashes it in the cuts. Not a damn thing apologetic about that is there? Hell no. He likes what He just did, He likes that it hurt and here, let’s hurt it some more. He’s much more prone to grabbing my tits and delivering several stinging slaps over the cleaned-up cuts than doing anything else. “Think cuts hurt, cunt? Let’s see how bad it really can be, shall we?” I’m not a hearts and flowers type-o-cunt.
Mousetraps for clamps:
In comparison to the other clamps, they’re painless. Seriously. I’ll take mousetraps any day. If anything they’re irritating but not painful.
(I do have binder clips, pup, buried in the ‘clips and clamps’ bucket. Buried I say.)
Gags:
We don’t have the penis gag that I pictured in that one post. We have a typical ball gag, the bit and this “stuffer” gag. That stuffer gag tastes so strongly of leather that it alone can send me over the edge. And of course, rolls and rolls of duct tape. ;)
The bosal:
Both parts are used. The loop, which stings like a bitch, and the knotted end, which feels similar to being punched.
Biting when His cock is down my throat:
It was funny, when that comment came in, we both looked at each other all perplexed like. Bite His cock when He’s whacking on me? Not unless I was suddenly suicidal! I’m sure I’ve thought it in those heated moments, but not ever to the point of actually considering doing it..lol. As for whether or not it’s even possible when He’s that far in, I don’t know. I’ve not ever tried so I couldn’t say. But the next time He’s down in there, I’ll try to remember to attempt it. (yeah right! You try that for yourself! I ain’t *that* crazy!)
(getting my babbling second-wind here. w00t!)
Someone mentioned how classic it was in the one clip where Master asked me a question and then popped me extra hard for answering. That’s something that’s really beginning to fuck with my head..lol
He’s usually so incredibly strict that I answer, and answer promptly, when He asks me something. Not just in a scene, but always. He doesn’t even give me time to think sometimes, He wants a response immediately. So it’s fairly well ingrained in me to do that. But His propensity to chattering during a scene prohibits me from ever getting in to the zone. Having to answer, and answer coherently and intelligently, keeps me firmly planted in the here and now.
But when He’s wanting me to float away in to lala land, He’ll tell me, generally before the scene or sometime early on, to not answer Him. He likes to talk and I love to hear His voice, so He’ll continue to talk to me, give me directions and ask me questions and I’m just supposed to let His voice wash over me. But occasionally, I slip and automatically reply.
I’m not sure how it’s going to end up working. The more He trains me to be quick and prompt with answers, the harder it is for me to not maintain that in a scene. There is no way He’s going to ease up on me being required to answer outside of a session so I see troubles ahead (for me mostly). We’ve also found that it doesn’t work for Him to not talk at all during a scene. That tends to leave me feeling… punished? Or way too disconnected, or something. Ideally, He could stop asking me specific questions I suppose. If He’s just talking I’m not required to answer.
More than likely, going by any past experiences, it doesn’t matter the dichotomy of this. I’ll learn to do it His way on His terms. He’s such a stickler about that!
I think I’m babbled out now. I have a few emails to reply to, a ton of posts from all of you to catch up on, and if I missed a question, please ask again if you don’t mind.
~cunt
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Sunday February 25th, 2007 8:54am
The leaving sucks so much. I’m glad the week was so great for you, though. :)
I wanted to ask you more about the aftercare thing. In my experience, after a scene, it’s not that he needs to apologize or anything, it’s that the scene is usually SO great and intense that I have a little trouble thinking or moving or anything on my own. Like waking up after a really deep sleep or stumbling off a really intense roller coaster, it just takes me a minute to re-orient, and I find that his touch is very helpful for that. Do you find that you need any kind of transition, or are you pretty good at switching those gears?
I don’t know that I’m particularly good at switching those gears, it’s just something that I do better on my own and left to my own devices than to have Him try and help me along with it. The more He tries to “help”, the closer I get to going into the “bad place”. What I really need is to be able to draw on His absolute confidence that what He’s just done to me is perfectly acceptable and not something that I should be coddled for taking. Does that makes sense? This is really hard to explain.
I guess I need to re-orient with extended bits of sadism and not cuddly nice Man?
I have a question…
With a week like this, where you’ve been put through the ringer day after day… do you not worry about bruises on bruises and the potential dangers therein?
Well.. no. I don’t. Not exceptionally so.
If I had an obvious injury, He’d leave it alone.. but simple bruises? Nah. Though if an area is bruised enough, He’ll focus on another area for awhile.
As He likes to say, He likes to hurt me, but He’s not going to harm me. :)
videos
Hi kaya, its chance. Love the videos. We are still having problems uplaoding. We have been in contact with the people who run UKBDSM and even sent them a video thru email. i’m writing to tell you because last night we watched your pussy torture video. i gave you a standing ovation when you pushed the football out. Quality footage i say.
Chris from UKBDSM got back to us to say that he couldn’t show the video we sent because ‘gasp’ my penis (can i say that) is ‘aghast’ erect. Apparently its still illegal to show an erect penis. So i can watch your pussy being plied open and stuffed but you can’t watch Mistress whip my cock. We are so frustrated. Is this sexual discrimination. Anyway just thought i would keep you up to date and i guess i have to go censor things. But its not the same – all the good parts will be gone:)
i thought i saw a video of you sucking your hard Master though. i can’t remember, maybe it was a picture.
Stay well,
chance
Re: videos
There was a video of me sucking Master but Chris pulled it right away.
And honestly, I didn’t really expect the pussy clip to make it through the censor there. I’m surprised that it did.
I don’t think it’s that site that is refusing to show the erect penis. I get the idea that the UK is dealing with some pretty stringent online porn laws. It could be that an erect penis is considered “illegal pornography” and Chris isn’t willing to risk his site over it?
But can you show your limp penis being whipped? I’d go for that..lol ;)
What about some of the other sites? I’m checking them out too. Pornotube and one magdala just pointed me to http://www.shufuni.com/. Try them? I’m going to. There are others.. we just gotta keep looking!
OK, there are several things here I’d like to respond to. You brought up health and safety in sex and bdsm and that’s something I think is far too often ignored within the community. This is also to the readers who asked the questions.
It really, really depends on the material. Jelly rubber, for example, is extremely porous and should be used with condoms. Once bacteria gets in, it ain’t never coming all the way out, no matter how much soap and water you use. This link gives a run down of all the different materials and the best way to care for them.
Just because problems haven’t happened to you yet or you haven’t recognized them doesn’t mean they won’t. Like you said, you’re causing trauma to your body; there ARE going to be negative effects to that. For example, I get concerned when I see pictures of your breasts tied up and dark purple. When body parts turn colors, that’s a bad sign. You could very easily get permenant damage through that. The Society for Human Sexuality and Ambrosio’s BDSM Website have the most comprehensive and accurate information on bdsm safety and health, in my experience/opinion. So far as the safe sex information on those websites-even if you’re in a monogamous relationship, that doesn’t mean you can’t give each other anything. Doing ass-to-mouth with no latex barrier, for example, transmits parasites and bacteria and can result in ecoli, among other nasties.
I couldn’t disagree more. It’s not apologetic, and it’s not something limited to “hearts and flowers” slaves. It’s a highly individual thing. It doesn’t have to mean cuddling under a blanket and going over every detail of the scene, though there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that. The dom isn’t apologizing for what he did, or trying to undo it; he’s just taking good care of his property. That’s how I look at it, anyway. All of the following is aftercare: often necessary to treat wounds after a scene; frequently the sub is dehydrated after a scene and it’s imperative that they get water; muscles will be too sore to move on their own and the sub will need assistance getting out of position; scenes often bring up remote feelings (anger connected to past abuse, for example) that need to be processed; the sub will need to eat; if you’re covered in piss, ejaculate, blood, and sweat and you need to wash off; after a really intense scene, most people need a few minutes to come down. It varies with the sub’s needs.
I’m rather sure the reader(s) meant *unintentionally* biting down. Since your mouth is completely full and you mentioned he beats you while you suck him. How, in that position, do you avoid the penis-teeth contact?
You brought up health and safety in sex and bdsm and that’s something I think is far too often ignored within the community.
I think the mistake here is that it’s my purpose or my goal to educate the community. It’s not. Someone asked me what I do, I tell what I do. I’m not a teacher or an expert and don’t claim to be.
Just because problems haven’t happened to you yet or you haven’t recognized them doesn’t mean they won’t.
We know the possible side effects of what we do. We do what we do anyway. That’s how we choose to do it.
It’s not apologetic, and it’s not something limited to “hearts and flowers” slaves. It’s a highly individual thing.
That’s why I said “to me”. I was answering the question from my own point of view. Aftercare feels apologetic to me.
Since your mouth is completely full and you mentioned he beats you while you suck him. How, in that position, do you avoid the penis-teeth contact?
There is penis-teeth contact. My mouth is smaller than His penis, contact is unavoidable. But purposeful biting I don’t do. Never have. How? I don’t know how. I hold my mouth open as wide as possible I guess. ?? I don’t know what answer you are loooking for.
I’m not running a bdsm education website here. I only know what I do and how I do it. And I don’t hold myself accountable for making sure people have all the information about a certain topic. Everyone else can google and find links and read just as well as I can. If someone asks me a question about how we do something, I answer it to how we do it. You seem to be indicating that I’m not answering “correctly” (and if I’m misreading the tone here, I apologize). I don’t promote what we do as either safe or recommended or how it should be done. I only present the facts of what we do and how we do it. I’m fully aware of the risks we take. Very fully aware.
Like I said, if I’m off base here, I’ll apologize for it. I’m not having the best day and I’m touchy and sensitive. And my kids are freakin’ irritating today.
I wasn’t trying to correct you. I totally misinterpreted your approach, and I apologize. I didn’t mean to imply you’re responsible for bdsm education. I didn’t realize that you were speaking only about your own viewpoint and experiences, not advising readers in general on various practices, not advocating any practice in the least. I’m really sorry. I know there’s not one way to practice bdsm and I didn’t mean to tell you that you were doing it “wrong” or something, which is I guess how I came off. The subject just gets me going, and I get carried away easily. Also, so far as implying you’re unaware of the risks you take, I forget that some people are aware of them, what is unsafe, and decide the benefits outweigh them.
I stupidly assumed that you meant there was NO penis-teeth contact. I’m coming from a different place; most of my past heterosexual male lovers have become angry if my teeth so much as grazed their precious dick. But then, they were also in the teenage years, and consequently not as experienced as your master, who I’m sure realizes that some contact, especially at that level of oral penetration, is unavoidable.
Sorry you’re having a shitty day. The first day apart after an intense time together is never fun, in my experience, at least.
Ah. no harm no foul (is the saying I think).
As much as I like to think I’m an old pro at sub-drop or whatever label it has these days, I’m still just a cantankerous ninny.
Thanks. :)
Comments from the Peanut Gallery
Darlin’ Kaya…
i am kinda GLAD this discussion end came up, because it is a standard “journal drift” thing that happens… a person writes about their life, people comment, and the next thing ya know, they are offering advice, warnings, etc. i am SO glad that you reminded the peanut gallery of us all that you are here for *you* to talk about *you*. YOu now have 1 million, 2 hundred and 35 thousand hits (and counting!), so you are more popular than the average McDonalds.
Really- answering questions on the kinds of topics like cleaning toys etc…. i do wish people would consider that :1- you are busy, this is a LIFE not Anne Landers, 2: That’s what GOOGLE is for dammit- if you want to find something or know something, try there first and see if you can avoid having Kaya go drag up a web site, and 3: You might be *wrong* and they might end up with bad advice (although i doubt that one personally– you and Chris are pretty damned smart cookies ya know)…
i have 3 personal sites (no, i didn’t plan that, and i only keep the blogspot one current- and it is NOT a daily blow by blow (pun intended) of my sex life as yours is), but 99& of the time when i get questions anywhere (yahoo groups), i run the url of either one of our own BDSM org. sites that has the info the person wanted, or i run the google link. If it takes me longer than 30 seconds and is a really common question, then i really do think that the readers should make some kind of minimum effort to go hunt on their own…
Take the snake bite kit stuff (ooh yeah). i had to go buy a new one about 2 weeks ago after losing one of the pieces *again*…google gave me Amazon.com as well as 3 other sites, and i bought by mail order since i was BUSY… it was not hard to find, prices do vary, and shipping times differ.
Now, all this is a moot point if the poster is in prision and only allowed one web site visit a day!
Thank you for BEING- and sharing– and making some off board friends and having a good time and offering us all some lovely thoughts.
smootches
shadow
Good response. I was getting all huffy on your behalf already. *puffs up*
Health
> Doing ass-to-mouth with no latex barrier, for example, transmits parasites and bacteria and can result in ecoli, among other nasties.
<
Um, yeah- and i LOVE that, since Kaya’s journal has accidentally become some kind of BDSM training and information warehouse, that we do bring that up (Kaya- you’r gonnna have to add a forum soon!), but since it isn’t yet, i can say that for many of us that are fluid bonded, we already share so much contact that it probably wouldn’t help much anyway AND that would NOT be the sensation we want to find..
it’s not about the ass/mouth- it
s about the slavery, the ass-mouth-take and use me and i will RISK all that shit and get myself cured later just FUCKIN DO IT/make me do it that gets the rocks off.
AJ and i pretty much QUIT playing in one public dungeon due to their requiriements that even fluid bonded KNOWN couples needed barrier protections…. for a variety of reasons, including 1: Just who the hell is anyone to try to police and parent us? If the local zoning laws don’t care, why should you?, 2: If i need to do that and have to go through all that BS to do it, it’s no longer about BDSM, it’s some kind of performance art you are doing for the crowd, and 3: If i cannot play the way i NEED to at a venue, then that’s not the venue for me.
Ok… enough about the barrier thingy– i really do have to quit responding to stuff just because it catches the educator in me (and the kinky writer!).
shadow
Re: Health
I wasn’t trying to tell anyone what to do or judging, everyone practices bdsm their own way and makes their own choices. If you read the above comments between me and kaya you know that I misunderstood her tone/intent/whatever, apologized, and she forgave me.
Re: Health
Arggh….. i read the above comments….
and was not *attacking* you so please don’t go defensive…
now *i* feel defensive…
sheesh…
if you read my comment closely, you would have seen that i wrote about me and mine and MY Master and what He and i do, and how i felt about it. The points in it that i used to convey that were things like “i can say that for many of us that are fluid bonded,” and using “i” or Masters name….
i wrote my feelings— and it had nothing to do with feeling you were or were not judging people (and having read your comments for a while now, i know that you aren’t like that:) You are one of the regulars here that i enjoy reading… (think sorority club without the clubhouse).
i wasn’t attacking, so there’s not a problem with whatever apology you needed from Kaya.
i write about how i feel, how i respond to her wonderful honest posts. The communication break downs that sometimes happen due to printed words that are not read in the spirit they are written is something that happens- no harm, no foul…
all is well..
shadow
Re: Health
I did not feel you were attacking me personally, but some of the things I said. I’m glad to know you weren’t.
I totally agree.
Leather Cleaning
Hi there, me the quite lurker again…
As to the care and cleaning of leather the best thing I ever found for cleaning all sorts of leather is good old fashioned Saddle Soap. Any farm/ tack/ horse type store will have it. As a ‘horse person’ I grew up using it on every bit of tack and have also used it on all sorts of other leather goods (purses, shoes, jackets, table top) so I don’t see why it couldn’t be used to clean your leather goods as well. And heck it’s usually no more that 5 or 6 bucks a bar.
Sorry for rambling… :)
Re: Leather Cleaning
Thanks. :) I’ll make a note of that.
Hahaha, I get whacked for giving responses when I’ve been told to shut up during a scene too. It *is* well-ingrained.
Only 100 lines? Shoot, you’re getting off easy. ;)
lol.. hush you. Have you seen the definition of ‘no’??
Did I mention that I hate writing lines? HATE I say. Gah!
i’m glad ya’ll had such a terrific week! Yeah for Kaya! But, i know the *drop* or whatever it is called, is so freakin’ hard to stand, and combine it with all the other responsibilites…UGGGHHH Hard shit.
i was also glad to know that i’m not the only slave who gets all freaked out and acts up because of the impending, even before it actually hits. The worry of knowing it is coming is enough to usually make me flip. There is some comfort in knowing you aren’t the only one to act like that.
i just really enjoy reading you and wanted to say so yet again.
*tight comforting hugs* for the drop
~His dove
Don’t forget the spooge warning!! I of course would still look at/watch spooge thingies but I’ll just make sure I’m not eating…*G*
Mean
> He was just flat out being mean.
< ..
LOL… that is one of those places i *hate* because they are LOOKING to see how far they go before we explode and get pissed off— and of course, it’s part of WHY they want *us* rather than some perfectly meek little cunt.
They like the POWER and KNOWING that sooner rather than later, they can get us stuck between our submission and our logic, and then push.
AJ (that’s Strong Eagle to you ALT. and Bondage users)gets that way every now and then (the most famous i can remember was last summer at a *party* for gosshakes– there i was with an OLD dear friend who is a Femmedomme, talking and taking care of her, and He walks over and tells me i am being disrespectful, and i instantly go into that defensive “no i’m not, she and i are laughing over a joke and ..” the next thing i know i got a slap on the face for it, i’m standing there trying to refocus, my friend is quietly enjoying this because SHE caught on instantly…and both of them got a 3-4 min show of me going all over the wild blue yonder trying to defend my sorry butt even as He found new cause for punishment with my every *breath* practically!
Caving in once i KNOW that He is shoving me all over emotionally on PURPOSE is the safest bet…it usually requires me just getting into “the universe is my fault Master” mode (NOT something i do without a lot of foreplay).
shadow