Guilt
This journal is a place where I am allowed to write about things that bother me, confuse me, upset me…. etc. It’s my outlet, my release. It gives me a chance to lay down the things that whiz around my head, look at them and try to make sense out it. Although at times it may sound like a slam against Master… or I may come across as an ungrateful spoiled brat, a bitch, insert your own adjective. I don’t know what I would do without this journal actually. I’m isolated anyway, and this lifestyle isolates me further yet, and Master isn’t the best audience for my whines and bitchy rants. He’s more than willing to listen to me about most anything except for my various complaints about *this*.
He’s taking this exactly where He’s taking it. He’s making me exactly what He wants me to be. I’ll end up taking whatever amount of pain He wants me to take. So it’s this place here that I can cry and whine and be afraid and bitch and point fingers…. here and only here. I can stomp my feet and carry on about how unfair it is, how unjust it is, how He’s not running the show the way *I* would if I was in charge. And for the most part He sits back and lets me get it out of my system.
Then He calmly tells me again.. that it will be done exactly how He wants it done. It really does not matter what my opinion is. This is the place for my opinion. Right here.
The whole reward thing that I mentioned in the last post absolutely threw me for a loop. Seems such a tiny thing doesn’t it? Why in heaven’s name am I in a tizzy over being rewarded? Because I don’t feel like a Good Girl. I really really don’t. And I immediately translated it into being rewarded for being bad… which then flipped into Master really doesn’t care if I’m good or bad…. which flipped into Master isn’t trying to train me at all…. Master doesn’t want a cunt in a cage anymore…… just how bad do I have to be to make Him care…. oh let’s try THIS…..
And within a few moments, I had turned the entire conversation into pretend misunderstandings and false indignation and curt answers…. just for more “proof” of how Master isn’t strict enough to handle me. I’m still manipulating Him.
Except… I’m not. I just think I am. Or in some instances I AM… but can it be called manipulation if He doesn’t have a clue it’s going on? If He doesn’t know how many rules I’ve broken because He can’t see me and I’m not telling Him about them, so He offers me a reward that I KNOW I don’t deserve and my guilt only succeeds in picking a fight with Him in an attempt to get Him to remove the offered reward and He refuses to remove the reward therefore forcing me to either accept it and feel that much more guilty or admit to all of my failures then who the hell is manipulating WHO.
I am so flawed. And He says I’m 99.99% “good”. The burden of guilt is heavy. Far too heavy for me tonight.
Master doesn’t very often get irritated with my journal posts. Not even with the ones that really seem to be “slamming” Him. For the aforementioned reasons of this being the one place that I’m allowed to say those things. The last post though, He was not so pleased with. Because it wasn’t just my opinion… or some confusion I needed to work out… it was blatantly twisting words, putting a spin on things, trying to force His hand. Just trying to make Him look bad so I could feel justified and lessen some of the guilt.
He didn’t even fall for that. I asked Him if I could remove the post and He denied it. Said leave it. So it’s been staring me in the face for hours now.
Ugh.
LikeTags: mindfuck
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Saturday January 28th, 2006 9:18pm
i think something like this is proof positive that we’re all far harder on ourselves than anyone else would be on us.
kaya, no one can take your guilt away, but you (and possibly your Master). This is something you need to accept and come to terms with, but.. and there has to be a but.. remember that we’re with you on the journey and not judging, not demanding, just being here and listening and loving throughout. i don’t know if that helps.. i can only pray it does.
hugggggggggsssssssssss sweetheart.. big blue hugamonster time…
keth
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It helps. It helps tremendously. I sometimes feel so very very alone in this. With Master gone all the time and often (or so I think) too busy or occupied to deal with my mini-daily-meltdowns…. it’s here and to you all that I turn to. You’ve NO idea the support I feel from you all. I love you all dearly.
Hi kaya, I just want to say I think your doing great not freaking out more often with your Master away that much. If it was me I am sure I would tear down the house with my bare hands. There would be only the foundation left for Master to return home to, and when PMS sat in , I would most likely gnaw that down too with my own teeth.
I think you are a real heroine.
hugs
northerngirl
http://loveandsubmission.blogspot.com/
The only reason the house is still standing is because it isn’t mine. And Master would skin me alive if I broke it. I bring all of my frustrations here, for your viewing pleasure…:-)
:-) Ok, my standard immediate reply … take a deep breath, baby. I can’t tell if you’re hitting a hard patch, or just a momentary-ish implosion, but either one is ok. They come with the territory, just part of the package.
Just breathe deep and think of the coming weekend, when you will be back where you belong .. and He will have a new toy to whoop on you with.
Oh, and I was wrong. All those bruises are from the paddle …
I think I need another picture of those bruises. Yep. I really think I do…:)
I think guilt is one of the hardest emotions to deal with, left unchecked it can develop into so many more… failure, remorse, self-loathing to name a few. The trick is to convince yourself there is no need for the guilt… If you’ve tried your best that is all you can ask of yourself or your Master ask of you. It is a difficult thing to do though, that’s for sure! As it has been pointed out, we are harder on ourselves than anyone else would be…
And damn don’t it just suck when they won’t let us shy away from something we’ve said?
lilith (http://noyalilithsworld.blogspot.com/)
Trying my best is the key phrase there. I haven’t been. And I know I haven’t been. And I’ve been letting Him believe I HAVE been. And then He wanted to reward me!!? Good God… that was guilt I could not live with. *sigh*