Gratitude. I has it.
Thanks guys. Your words have been a great comfort to me over the last day or two. I know I shouldn’t need to hear that I’m doing the right thing but… I do.
I have my mother and my daughter trying desperately hard to convince me that I’m NOT “doing it right” and then I start feeling guilty and start doubting myself – and that’s the cycle we’ve been in throughout Jes’s formative years.
I was surprised really, to hear that not many do the allowance thing though! I thought it was more common than that (even though I never had one and neither did Master).
The allowance was something we wanted to try, more as an experiment between us, in an attempt to come to some sort of compromise over money/kid issues. When I became a non-money earning partner, while I was okay with giving up the “right” to buy myself mascara when I wanted some or whatever, I was not (am not) willing to make that same sacrifice on behalf of the kids.
But then I’m rather sensitive to making sure that my decisions to be submissive do not become their decisions, as well as making sure that Master’s dominance and control over me does not extend to them – beyond the normal parenting stuff of course (and even at that, sometimes the lines blur in my head – but that’s a different entry).
So we thought we would try it and obviously it didn’t work. *shrug*
I haven’t talked much with Jes since she left, but I have argued with my mother. That’s a nice little bonus. Jes has always been the “chosen child” when it comes to my mother so I didn’t expect anything less, it’s just too bad because my parents and I had finally come to a fairly peaceful place and now that’s on shaky ground again.
Well. Anyway-
I just wanted to say thanks. Again. You’re all back on the Christmas card list. ;-)
~cunt
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Friday March 20th, 2009 6:31am
hi kaya,
i read all of the responses to your post about your troubles with your daughter but didn’t feel i knew you nor she well enough to comment. i still don’t, but i would simply like to say, stick to your guns. She is YOUR daughter. Asking for advice on how to deal with a certain situation regarding your kids is far different from having advice shoved down your throat. Sometimes kids need to fall before they fully appreciate they comforts they had. My daughter is only 12 so i can’t say i completely understand what you’re going through (yet) but my mother went through some tough times with my sister (who is 7 years my junior) and i told her the same thing. Let her fall, let her realise how hard it is to actually attain the things she took for granted, then maybe she will appreciate them. i understand how hard that would be, God only knows if i would have the strength to do it with my own kids, but sometimes the best lessons are those that are the hardest learned.i think that everyone here knows how much you love her despite these trying times, and i also think that they think you are a fabulous mum. Please don’t doubt yourself, the lessons you teach her now will be appreciated in the long run.i remeber i used to hate my mother every day, it’s only now that i’m almost 37 and have kids of my own that i am beginning to understand the things she did. Take heart, chin up.
always, delight xoxo
Thank you delight. I really appreciate the encouragement. :)
I’m cheering you up by reposting this: http://www.blocket.se/vi/20366448.htm?ca=23_8_s
The top two are the ones we’re looking at. Also this one: http://www.blocket.se/vi/20760596.htm?ca=23_8_s
And two others I’ve got no picture of. I want them all. Now. I mean, one, three, five cats… can’t be that much of a differance, right? *glee* ;)
Oh darn it, I meant to get back to you!
They are SO cute! Why do they call them “ragdolls”? Is it the blue eyes? What sets them apart from other cats?
I hope you get one (or all!). I know how badly you’ve wanted a kitty. They are just adorable, my goodness. I’m practically petting the monitor!
They’re called ragdolls, because when you pick them up, they go limp in your arms. It’s one of their main traits. They’re also very social, and want to be near you all the time, watch TV with you, make the bed with you, peel potatoes with you. They love cuddles, and aren’t very vocal or active. In fact, they’re known for being lazy and somewhat clumsy. They wont jump up on counters, for example. And they aren’t outdoor-type cats, because… eh… they’re a bit dumb. They’ll walk up to anything and anyone, and want to be petted and hugged and big dogs are nevuh danjerous, yanno?
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5dc4ELSfQ5w&feature=channel_page
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CUQnXLsWoNQ
I’m more or less petting the screen myself. Can’t it be tomorrow, when I’ll go visit the two older ones? *taps fingers* It’s down to one, two or three now, the other two are sadly abuse-cases and we’re not ready to bring in abusecases right now, Master says. :(
aww! I WANT!
My cats are hoity-toity table climbers who attack your legs when you walk by! I want a lover lap cat.
Now Imma have to beg. Thanks a lot!
;)
;) You’re very welcome. They’re a bit ‘cpensive (at around $650-$800, if I convert Swedish prices), but then you get a cat whos parents are HCM (heart) tested and PKD (kidney) tested, and bred for a purpose. Sometimes they’re also FIP/FIL-tested (cat leukemia and cat aids).
They come in red, cream, lilac, blue, seal and chocolate. The three latter ones are the most common, especially the seal and chocolate. The patterns are in colourpoint (masked), bicolour (an upside down V on the face) and mitted, and they can be tabby or not. The Rainbowdoll is a sisterrace, though not very well known and I’m not sure if it’s an official race yet, and may have other colours and patterns.
OH MY GOD…WANT!!!!
the thing with ragdolls is.. if you have ragdolls.. you can’t have any other cats.. they’ve had ALL aggression bred out of them and they will NOT defend themselves.. any other cat will terrorize them.. something to keep in mind.. :( they are sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo wonderful tho.. and HUGE.. much like Maine Coons.. love those cats!! *sighs*
Actually, no. Not all cats will be terrorised. It’s about the individuals. But I wouldn’t recomend a really active breed (like the bengal, oci or mau) with a ragdoll. Main coons and Norwegian forrest cats, as well as burmillas and (european) burmas work though.
…if you have ragdolls.. you can’t have any other cats..
That’s simply not true. We have three cats (normal every day cats) and we have Ragdolls (belonging to friends) visiting us often when their humans have to go away for work. It all depends on the personalities of the cats and (just like with people) – sometimes it clicks and sometimes it doesn’t.
Forgot to add that we know several people who have Ragdolls as well as other breeds and that goes fine. :)
If they want to sell to us, they’re gonna be oooooooooooours. *waiting impatiently*
OK, I was looking at the ragdoll kitties and I just think this is TOOOOO adorable
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CGYfvFvmg9Q&NR=1
I do cheer, cheer, cheer you on and I hope you can feel that whenever it’s tough. I have been through many tough years with a child I though I would lose who is now successful, and I know what those years, days, nights, hours, minutes are like. I will never, ever forget them, and I’m sure he never will either. For that reason, I won’t forget you either.
Your mother is being successfully manipulated by your daughter so all you can do about that is refuse to engage (just like with your daughter). Mom, ” I have thought very carefully about what is best for her and I stand ready to do that; whenever she wants to come home, she can.” Repeat exactly whenever she attempts discussion. My mom’s nuts (really!), and it’s amazing how this technique eventually cuts down on the mess. She can’t engage if you won’t (does this discussion sound familiar?)
I can understand the issues with trying to separate your control over parenting your kids and wanting some money to use for them as separate from your 24/7 relationship with Scott and the difficulties that might bring up. What about some money out of the family budget that is yours to spend on the kids, but you must decide when, where, on whom, and when it’s gone, it’s gone. Real discretionary money, but yours to control, not theirs. Would that be an idea to bring up in your discussion, maybe?
Meanwhile hang in there, love, and do all you can to nurture yourself and your family. It does make a difference that you care about each other, and tell each other so. You are strong, and it matters.
I think the most profound thing I ever said as a single parent of 3 teens was – by law I am not required to do anything other then provide a roof, clothing and food. I don’t have to like you I don’t have to give you nice new clothes I can give you used clothes if i want. I am by law doing what is required until your 18th birthday and after that I don’t have to do anything – so keep that in mind when you think you are entitled to walk all over me and demand that I do for you what you aren’t doing for yourself.
If they run off to grandma’s house – let them. Don’t call them don’t talk to grandma she isn’t helping matters any, her job should be to tell “miss thing” to turn around and go home that it isn’t her job to spoil her and validate her disrespect and behavior. that doesn’t sound like it is going to happen so why punish yourself and even talk to grandma.
as hard as it is just wait and watch. If they fail it doesn’t mean you failed.
Don’t had out anymore cash – not even to the baby bump momma – she has what she needs, the baby has what he/she needs – but the green needs to be taken out of the picture entirely.
I even stopped school lunches – if they didn’t make their own lunch they went hungry. If they didn’t do their own laundry they wore dirty clothes.
It wasn’t easy but after a week it was the most liberating thing I could do. I stopped being a doormat.
Love ya
S
Your post brought back memories! :) My mom used that line on us when we were growing up; and I used it on my kids as well.
Kaya, we tried the allowance thing too and it went very much like your situation. It got to the point with us, that when the kids would say something to the effect of “what do I get if I do xyz”, I would say “dinner, a comfortable bed to sleep in, a room of your own, etc.”. I explained to them that the food that was provided didn’t have to be something they liked, the bed could be a cot or a pallet on the floor, and I wasn’t required to provide them their own room or any of the extras they had. The allowance went by the wayside, the chores didn’t.
It’s too bad that your mom is enabling Jes. She’s really not doing her any favors!
Theres a saying…you cant pick your relatives…If your momma doesnt abide by your rules and decisions reguarding YOUR daughter…you dont have to talk to her, you do have a hang up button on your phone. And if she really wants to butt in, let her have Jes, support her etc, with no help from you. Hang in there…it does get better!
kaya
You got to ask yourself if you were an employer would you pay wages to your kids if they were your employees for the work they did, their attitude to their work and their ability to perform work unsupervised and their approach to team work.
If you wouldn’t have paid them because they were indifferent to the needs of the business and its services and are basically lazy shits, than you got no option but to fire the little suckers from their jobs and hence they get no pay packets.
Secondly if you didn’t say this allowance is to be used for xzy and l won’t be providing xyz in the future your now responsible for budgeting your own money for xyz, they will just take the money and spend on it anything they think they want or need and continue to expect you to provide xyz.
Your mother well she got money than sense and Jez will empty out her deep pockets over time in the meantime your mum is happy to shell out Jez as it gives her a chance to be little you as mom and the only way to do that is say mom fine you be a mother to jez you take all the responsibility and you pay all her bills and l don’t want to hear about it from you, let her cope wtith the emotional baggage of jez and the baby.
As for jez its a simply tale, we are happy without you as a family and household, so please don’t come back to live here unless your going to be part of the team and have consideration and respect for all other team members and their needs and are willing to make a contribution to the team welfare and happiness.
Are you a failure as a parent, well you got to look at the bigger picture of A and B, they seem to be turning out okay so as they say 2/3 aint bad strike rate.
Being a parent isn’t easy and it isn’t always the parent at fault when a child turns out to be selfish self centred and a prat.
I would listen to Scot more in terms of family decision making area and as l said in my opening, it sometimes help to think of children as employees and evaluate them as such than saying this came out of me after 9 months of worry and 38 hours of labour, which l think just spoils your perspective sometimes
lol that wasn’t meant to be anonymous
kittens_master
When I left my ex, I had to learn how to stop letting well-meaning, pain-in-the-ass family members drive me crazy over the phone. “Amber, you should do this and you should do that and blah blah blah” So I put up a sign over my desk where I usually sat while on the phone that had excuses printed out I could use in big bold letters:
“I’m sorry, I have to use the bathroom now. Bye!”
“Uh-oh! It’s the UPS man and I have to sign now, bye!”
“I have a doctor appointment and I’m running late, BYE!”
BUH
BYE
If you have a cell, you can call yourself with your cell and when the call waiting trips in, you can tell Jes or your mom it’s the IRS or whatever. BYEEEE!
Worked great. :)
As for what kids are entitled to, I’m reminded of when our 19 y/o son seemed to think he’d be having sex with his gf in OUR house. Wanted her to spend the NIGHT and such I said, Oh no…nonononono, hahahahaha, HAHAHHAHAHA…oh and, guess what?
NO.
He said something about being an adult and he could do what he pleased, yak yak, I’m a man now, yatta and I said, look, bud, yeah, you can have sex wherever you want outside our house, I can’t stop you that’s true but this is OUR house, not yours and you’re not having sex here. Period.
As if. AS IF!!!
He cracks me up; he’s 27 now and he sneers at “slacker” kids he sees hanging around doing nothing. Dude, your mission in LIFE at their age was to get a VW bus and travel all over the US living in your van. That was your goal in life, remember?
How things change. :)
I always tell my children, “My house, my rules”
I strongly suspect one reason why your mother is trying so hard to get you to take Jes back is because she does not want to get stuck with her!
Why not let your parents care for that “poor, mistreated, misunderstood child whose mother is not doing it right”
My heart goes out to you. All I see is a parent trying to teach her child the right way to live and behave. You are not a bad person and you are not a bad mother. We all do the best we can with what we have. I hope you enjoy your weekend!
PS You will not be able to change their opinions, stand firm and hold your ground!
Hey kaya
i still firmly believe if you can ride it out until she gives birth things will change immensely. Furthermore, her respect for you will continue to grow as her child grows. Unfortunately I have no advice to offer on your mother aside from perhaps playing reverse psychology and thanking her for her help with Jes during this hard time. I always play “kill them with kindness”to my elders. Wow that sounds way more rotten then I met it lol! Beast and I fought about allowance when we were first living together. He thinks its great teaching responsibility and I think its not good to pay kids for something they need to learn to do anyway. Kids kept doing basically the same you described of yours and needless to say there is no more allowance here either.
Keep strong!
I’ve always subscribed to the theory that my children are a part of the household, therefore they can contribute to the upkeep. I don’t get paid for it and neither do they, unless I ask them to do something above and beyond.
I believe there has only been one time when my son complained he had to do ‘all these things’ and I never did anything. He received quite the lesson when I took away all the things I “didn’t” do for him. (Same lesson worked wonders on my ex too. lol)
Anyhow, two days later he was straight as an arrow. =) Hang in there. It will get better.
Hugs, Elle
Kaya, I wish I had some words of wisdom but since I don’t have kids, I really don’t have anything tried and true to offer. I do have experience banging my head into the wall due to frustrating family members though, so I can sympathize.
I’ve always thought it funny that I can hand over so much control to Dan, but when it comes to the rest of my peeps, I want to control it all. I want to fix their problems and make them see sense, or at least do things my way. But they don’t always cooperate. In fact, they often do the exact opposite which makes me absolutely crazy! Aagh!
This last week has had me chanting “Pick your battles” over and over to myself while dealing with a younger sister. I’m not saying it’s a perfect solution, but it’s kept me from losing it completely. :-)
Hang in there, I’m cheering for you!
Sending big hugs your way!
Bethie
What? Your mom knows so much? She has so much to say? Then let HER take care of Jes and all the financial responsiblilities that go with it.
That’s going to get old REAL fast.
kaila
I got an allowance when I was a kid, but I didn’t have to do anything for it. I also had a great enterprise of blackmailing both my parents. :)
“Hey Mom? if you give me 10.00, I won’t tell daddy what you bought today..”
“He Daddy? I know something but Mommy paid me 10.00 not to tell you… but if you give me 20.00 I can give Mommy her 10 back and tell you.”
————–
I think there’s something going on with your mom’s mentality about Jes. I’m wondering if she thinks she can validate herself as a mother by doing better than you can with Jes. I mean, okay… if your mother feels that you “turned out wrong” because of the way she raised you, she might also feel that if she can “Fix Jes” or do a good job with her, she’ll be exonerated from her own inner prison of maternal failure. Or maybe she feels like she has to help Jes because she didn’t help you?
My mother desperately tries to “fix my life” now because she couldn’t “fix it” when I was a kid. I believe if I had children, especially a daughter, my mother would probably try to raise her better than she raised me and our parenting styles and decisions would absolutely crash and the kid would be in the middle, probably trying to take advantage of the dysfunction for as long as she could.
That’s just my Arm Chair Dr. Phil Analysis.
Kitten
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Best regards