Gratitude.
If there’s ever a doubt about why I pour my heart out here, it’s answered by the responses. With every one that I read, every email that I got, my spirits lifted a bit. I devoured the words, the ideas, the possibilities, the virtual hugs… (for anyone who ever hesitates to leave a comment, not just here but anywhere, don’t. Even a simple smiley face helps.) And now, today, I’m in a much better place.
Thank you.
I’ve had my two most favorite “comfort” songs looped through windows media for about 24 hours now (Otis Redding’s “I’ve been loving you too long” and Robin Gibb’s version of “Oh Darlin’”). Those two songs seem to give me faith in love. No matter what else happens with our relationship, Master and I are in love. While I tend to be a cynical person normally, I’m not cynical about the power of love. We’ve come too far, been through too much, overcome too many obstacles to NOT make this work. He’s not just my Master, He’s my lover, my best friend, my rock. That’s an undeniable truth.
Another undeniable truth is that He adores me. It may sound conceited or narcissistic to say that so firmly but in my entire life I’ve never been so secure in any one belief than that one. He loves me. There is nothing that He does, either to me or for me, that isn’t grounded in His love. His desire to please me is as strong as my desire to please Him. All of the bdsm activities, the punishments, the training, the goal of cunt-in-a-cage are directly influenced by my fantasies, my secret desires (not so secret anymore), my wants and needs.
I don’t doubt for one single second that He’s as broken-hearted over this sudden change in our lifestyle as I am. If not because He’s quelling His own desires, but because He’s not answering mine. Another undeniable truth is that He’s a sadist, His desires to hurt me run as deeply as mine to be hurt.
One thing that makes Him the Master is the fact that He’s calm, reasonable, sensible. His desires are as strong as mine but He controls them ever so much better. How many times has He wanted to beat me, hurt me, destroy me and *hasn’t* because I had a headache, was tired or scared or preoccupied… and I never ever hear Him complain. But turn the tables and I become a whiny wretched woman. Shameful.
These last several days, I’ve let myself lose faith in Him. Lose confidence. I’ve denied those undeniable truths. Which says nothing good about my character does it?
The facts are, Master is busy. He’s gone into the middle of a project that’s already behind schedule with a new company. His work days are running well into the evenings, His evenings after work are full of planning the next day, as well as schmoozing with the Big Wigs. (And talking the boss into giving me a leather coat for free. Or for a blow job. It’s been offered..:-) His mind is focused on programs and technical things that I will never understand.
Yet He still calls me several times throughout the day. The calls are short and sweet of course but He does it anyway. And the last day or two, I’ve been a depressing slug to talk to… but He still calls. And always, always with an upbeat voice, tells me He loves me and misses me.
You ever wear shame so heavy that it could be a parka?
My first belief, as I said yesterday, is that He’s trying to make the adjustment easy on me. That He’s allowing me these freedoms *because* I seem so stressed, so down. And while we’ll talk about all of this tonight or tomorrow and I will have to explain that it’s not what I need right now, I can’t fault Him for being concerned, or for trying to make this easy.
I have a certain responsibility to carry myself through times like this. And I can, and do, successfully even, if He just keeps the direction right. He’s trained me well enough that I practically “dom” myself as it is. All I’ve ever needed is His interest to make that work.
I read an analogy on Lisa’s site a long time ago, not quoted word for word mind you:
A slave is a kite, her Master holds the string. Tethered to Him, she has the gift of flight. Soaring high, riding the breeze, simple flicks of His wrist causing dips and spins. He can reel it in on a whim, or let it fly high. But drop the string and His kite floats away. Cut the string and His kite falls.
Which brought me to this little tidbit of wisdom also. Written in regards to sin and Jesus, and about an aggressive bird and a bird feeder, yet it fits in this realm:
By choosing to assume ownership of the feeder, he is forfeiting his freedom. He is no longer free to come and go as he wished. He is tied to the work of guarding his feeder. He is possessed by his possession. His freedom of action is as circumscribed as if he were in a cage. He is caged by a situation he has created.
It is serious business to take on the ownership of another human. It’s work, not always play. I don’t know if I will ever be objectified enough to stop needing all that work. I don’t know if that’s possible. I think, I’m learning, that being objectified seems to be requiring MORE work on His part. I don’t know if that means I’m much farther away from being objectified than I think I am, or getting closer.
But that’s why I’m not in charge. I don’t have to know.
As for the suggestions that this is just another lesson, or another level of being objectified, I think that’s entirely possible too. Unless He actually kills me and has me stuffed though, I’m going to require more input than a towel in a closet. No amount of objectifying is going to change the basics of what I need as a human. So instead of a towel, let’s look at it as a houseplant.
A houseplant requires a minimum of energy or attention to survive. It is, in fact, an object. How well it thrives and grows, how healthy it is, how pleasing it will be to look at, to smell, to touch. Whether you want it as a centerpiece on a table or as a corner filler. All of those variables depend on the level of care and attention it gets. And those things can change too. Some plants are very hardy and can survive being forgotten about for a week or two, or longer. They don’t require constant attention to be beautiful but they do require *some*.
I require *some*. I just can’t dictate the level of that *some*.
I don’t have one single plant in my house. I have had many over the years… and I’ve yet to have one survive. I can’t keep a plant alive. Now I could continue to buy plants and kill them, or I can accept that plants require more care than I’m capable of. I don’t buy plants anymore. I can only hope that Master hasn’t decided not to buy plants anymore either.
Master comes home tonight and will be home for the weekend. He’s promised that we’ll talk everything through. I’m no longer hopeless though. The last few phone calls, He’s been a little more bossy. A little more *Him*, and that feeds my soul something wonderful.
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Thursday March 2nd, 2006 8:21am
Teary eyed
i am sitting here at work and nearly in tears over your words here kaya. it is good to see you with hope again, it is great you have a safe place like this journal to vent your fears, frustrations, anger, pain, and joy, hope, wishes and dreams. The words and support here is so heartfelt and i know that everyone that has been reading your journal feels the same hope in your words today. i am glad your Master will be home and will be talking about all this with you. i am also thrilled to hear He has been alittle more “Himself”. Sometimes stress on the Master just filters down to us slavegirls and we dont know what to do with it, because for us nothing relieves that stress better than with Master takes a firm hold on us and puts us through our paces (at least i think it works that way for me). i will continue to be hopeful for you and your Master. Dont feel like a bad slavegirl for getting into a funk over the changes you are facing — i think most of us are very needy and dont like changes that put us off balance. Hugs
dee-kitten
Master Ivoree’s slave
Slave Registry Number 410-652-232
huggggggggggssssssssssss i’m so pleased for ya sweetie.. *huggggggggsssss tight*.. n you know what?
long live “the tone”!!
keth
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i read the post yesterday and don’t think that i had the opportunity to respond. i may have. to be honest, yesterday was such a blur that i’m not sure *blushes*
that post and then this one — i needed to stop by.
change of any nature is hard — but its never has hard as the not knowing how things are going to change. waiting is the absolute worst spot to be in — there’s no end or resolution, and all that’s left is to worry about it until it happens.
yet you’ve come to a place where you can at least feel better about whatever comes next. you’re secure in his feelings for you and yours for him. that’s a wonderful, wonderful gift. security.
thank you for sharing your struggles and your confusion as well as your hope and security and love. it gives us all something to look forward to.
take care of yourself. i’ll be sending good thoughts and positive energy your way.
~ toy
* and hugs…
That’s what one of my live journal friends and I do when there isn’t so much to be said but you want them to know you support them…a simple…
*
*hugs*
I’m glad you’re more centered and I hope you get even more so, it was really heartening to read this
tulsa
tulsamoda.blogspot.com
*hugs* you’ll get throught this. I know you will.
Hugs honey, I will think about you tonight. I admire you so much, I wish you all good things
You know i love you and would make it all better if i could. And as always,i am her if you need me.
i am on MSN and yahoo.
Pet
My bf just recently got out of an almost 3 month depression over something he wont talk about.
So in terms of being ignored, put on hold and the relationship stagnating. I can relate.
Last night we had sex for the first time since early January.
So things do have an end. And things will have an end.
Nothing is permanent.
Just keep your chin and spirits up.
Arigato gozimasta.
Sweet Kaya, I know I have been MIA for a bit, But I read yours faithfully. You say you dont process change well, BUT I think you internalize it better then most. I needed to see this post for my own selfish reasons. Things in this front have been a little laxing and I needed someone to remind me that its not all about Me LOL. That the rest of what we do is so strong.
Have a wonderful weekend
tia