Fucked.
I’m typing this on notepad because I’m banned from the internet. Isn’t that insane? I’m grounded. Why, you ask.. (I know you are dying to know!).. Apparently, I was being a bitch yesterday. So, Master figures I can be bored all day and have plenty of time to think about why I was being a bitch.
I don’t really need to think about it… I know why I get like that. You can label it ‘high maintenance’ or ‘attention-whore’ or ‘selfish bitch’… whatever you want to call it… it’s simply feeling ignored. Neglected. So I push… stand over the line with my arms crossed and say “what the fuck are You going to do about it?”
Now, let me clarify ‘neglected’. Master doesn’t ignore me at all. When He is home, we aren’t more than a few feet from each other all day long. We talk and share and joke and cuddle. If I’m doing something, He offers repeatedly to help (which I generally turn down because dammit, the chores are mine). I continue to serve Him, anything He asks for. (On a side note, it’s been bothering me lately that I’m not more anticipatory of what He might want, I wait to be asked and I need to take a more proactive role I think). Anyway, the words ignored and neglected I use pretty liberally. It’s the smaller things that bring out those emotions. For instance, He told me not to eat and I did. There was nothing said or done.. or if there was, it was half-hearted (which, in my mind, is ten times worse than nothing at all). He tells me to do or not do something and I push the envelope.. or just blatantly do it anyway.. and He does nothing. I balk, complain, dig in my heels, say ‘no’.. and it’s ignored. Or, if its acknowledged its done so in such a way that lets Him off the hook… like He’ll say “I didn’t really clarify that very well” or if I’ve neglected to do something He’ll say “I didn’t tell you to do that anyway” when we both know the implied message was there, has always been there. Every time He lets something slide.. I ratchet it up a little higher. Break another rule, be a bigger smartass…. push and push and push.
I’ve said a million times, leniency is NOT my friend.
Now why do I do this? Why do I need to be swatted down at every turn? Why do I need so much attention?
I know how selfish it is. I know that He sometimes just wants to relax and bask in the joy of having an obedient slave. (yeah, that makes me laugh too.) I know that I’m trying His patience tremendously. I know I know I know. And I do it anyway.
Because every time He swats me down, I don’t see it as a punishment. I don’t see it as having earned His disapproval. It’s all reassurance. Every time He corrects me, rights me, knocks me down and stands me back up, it’s reaffirmed to me that He still wants this. That this whole cunt-in-a-cage thing is what He wants.. and not just something He is doing for me.
Also.. I get irritated myself with the little punishments. It seems to me, if He really wants me to change my behavior, then make the punishment outweigh the crime. Don’t make it fit.. don’t make it equal… the consequences have to far outweigh the benefits. The way things are now…. I get what I want and I pay a very small price for it. A stern look or tone… a nipple pinch… a swat or two… Easy enough to get through and then I have my way.
And then I think… well if He doesn’t have the time or energy to punish me properly.. or can’t think of HOW to punish me properly.. or doesn’t care enough to punish me properly…. then how in God’s name is He ever going to get me to the point of being a cunt-in-a-cage??
I suppose some people would say I’m trying to top from the bottom. But is looking for reassurance topping from the bottom? And, truth be known, if it was just reassurance I was looking for, then His attention would be enough.
It’s a specific reassurance I’m looking for. It’s been too long since I’ve seen His sadism. The play lately has been at my speed. The punishments are light. I do not thrive under those conditions. Those things alarm me. One cannot own a cunt-in-a-cage and be soft. I’m prodding Him, poking Him, looking for the sadist.
Yes indeed.. I get scared. I cry. I beg. I write long lists of complaints. I want those things acknowledged. And then I want Him to keep doing what He is doing.
The fear, the intensity, the pain… I feed off of those things. He’s killing me with kindness. Just… stop it.
I need Him to be mean. Every day. Somehow. Just because He can be. And that is exhausting. Not for me…for Him.. it’s really not right of me to expect Him to be “on” all the time. But.. if one is really a sadist… and really wants to own someone else… are they “on” and “off”? Do they get that luxury? Is two or three days of no blatantly sadistic activities as indicative of losing interest as I think it is?
Jesus Christ I’m a needy whore. In all fairness though.. He keeps me at home… and all day, every day, I’m focused on being His cunt. I’m a dripping, horny, readily available house cunt. I’m supposed to be focused on it. I think about bdsm and pain and fucking and serving and slavery All Day Long. Every Day. Is it any wonder that I’m obsessed? Is it a surprise that two vanilla days in His world is equal to two vanilla months in kaya’s world?
~*~
(Later)
Oh yes, I’m going to post it. Today. I’ve already called and confessed to being online. I ate too. Wasn’t supposed to. Already fucked up, might as well fuck up big.
You know why?
Because I’m scared. I’m fucking terrified. What happens when I give in? What happens when I just do what He says every time. I *can* do that… for a little while. And then I panic. And I deliberately disobey. And I ignore and push and test and piss Him off until He whips my ass……. and then I feel better.
I feel better because I showed Him that I am not a dead dog. I will not roll over and take it. He has to work at it, work at me… work for my submission.
I’m not a doormat. I’m not a zombie. I’m not mindless.
I’m not an object.
Fuck me, what is wrong with me??
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday October 25th, 2005 11:38am
I get confused on your desire to be a slave? or a submissive? an object? yes or no? Does a slave get to poke and prod her Master to get Him to obey her demand for discipline? Does a slave have any right to do that? Is it more a submissive that sees that as acceptable?
Is it Him you have to remind each day who you are? and Who’s you are? or yourself?
Just some thoughts to ponder
From the Master of kaya the objectified cunt
Greetings A/all
Even though she seems to get away with a lot she doesn’t. Wednesday night is punishment night. Basically..*grinning and smiling*..she takes as much rope to hang herself with and I enjoy it. Watching her squirm and try different things to irritate me or get my attention. Just like today.. SHE KNEW what the punishment would be for going online and she got it…ten clothes pins on her cunt for ten minutes WITH icy hot on the clothes pins. Makes for a very un-enjoyable punishment. I wish I could have recorded the phone conversation we had, listening to her cry and whine and beg to be able to get those clothes pins off sooner.
As further discipline she had to insert a butt plug and sit on her lil bitch bench for 20 minutes. FOr those of you who aren’t familiar with her bitch bench. The bench is a low foot stool that has 40 grit strips of sandpaper attached to it. If she went back on line it would have been 10 clothes pins for twenty minutes or twenty clothes pins for ten. Either way, she didn’t go back online *grins*.
She is kept to a very strict regiment to a degree. Like in her post I don’t WANT a zombie, I don’t want a brain less cunt in a cage…I don’t want a husk or a shell.
BUT she is a cunt in a cage, an object, a toy for my amusement. She posted that she’s NOT an object to play a game and see if she could get a spark out of me…SHE DID. When I got home, she received and nice tit grab and asked what she was…..quickly answered an object and anything else I wanted her to be. She’s brave when I am out of town or at work but in person…she knows when enough is enough. ..and to A/all I don’t want to ever kill this part of my lil girl…ever. It’s what makes our relationship what it is…>SOOOO she can pretend to top from the bottom..and prod me or as always..offer suggestion..but ultimately as always..I have to final say.
And with regards to the Anonymous poster. She is and always will be a slave an object. I enjoy the mental stimulation we have when bantering back and forth….as you call it “get to poke or prod”. She gets what I want her to have. She knows it…and that is what irritates her…..even though she’s a slave I give her that freedom. I want it and desire it. There are times when I put the hammer down to the point she ponders if she needs to ask just to breathe. Also, she needs to be reminded that I truly still care about the relationship, that I am not just doing it for rote or in autopilot mode, that I am invested in the relationship and how much am I truly involved. All subbies and slaves test..in one way or another. To both remind the Master/Doms who they are and what they are..and to also remind the subbies/slaves who they are. From my past experiences, I feel (aka MY OPINION) that all subbies/slaves need to test the bounds of the relationship in one form or another. If you haven’t read other blogs, please do so…..there is always doubt, feelings of being inadequate, fear of failure, fear of trying something new…..all these things the Master/Doms need to take care of…..Also please understand when I say Master/Doms I am also refering to Mistress/Dommes to…..and from My experiences, Mistress/Dommes are stricter and “more agressive” than the majority of Master/Doms. JUST MY OPINION again.
WELL enough banter and all..My lil slut is in the corner while I was typing this and needs to be further disciplined before the wee ones get home…Take care and be safe..
CW
Re: From the Master of kaya the objectified cunt
*Typing this with a paperbag over her head, little holes cut out just to see….
Ummmmmm I didn’t mean to be Anonymous I just didn’t log in to comment cause I forgot my name in here and I am not used to commenting either! I figured I’d tell kaya later, but since You commented on my comment…. *whispers.. ‘its me rinna’ :/
Put the spatula down! They were just some rambling thoughts
*hugs you B/both with a bowl of Butter Pecan as a token of… uhhh… ok just a token
Re: From the Master of kaya the objectified cunt
you could just sign your name at the end ya goof. They were good questions… guilt-laden thought provoking questions!..lol
It’s just hard to keep those thoughts in the front all the time.
On all the time
You know, I’ve had these thoughts myself. I mean, somehow, They seem to get the option to turn things “off”, go vanilla for a while, stop being controlling all the time or at the times we would want Them to be. While at the same time, They expect us to Always be turned “on”, prepared and ready at all times, and never stop being submissive no matter what mood we may be in. Thats hard sometimes though, when its been a long time since we’ve been reminded that They do indeed care about the relationship, that They do indeed appreciate Their slave and all the little submissions we offer. we need reminders every now and then, reminders that we still belong to Them, that They are still very much in control, and without that, it is hard to go on being submissive. we get the want to buck and bitch, prod at the walls we usually live comfortably within. I’m personally in the same boat currently..and figure I’ll write more in my own journal. Its just hard to accept that They can turn it “off” while we’re not allowed. Yes, Master…its not Fair! XD
Re: On all the time
It’s a wicked cycle, isn’t it? You know you are supposed to let Them lead the way.. do it how They want.. when They want.. while we gather dust in the corner. Literally for me..lol. God, I don’t know what the answer is.. if there is one. Take my advice though, poking and prodding ain’t it!
the funny thing is.. i have the opposite problem. or i feel i do. I want breaks every so often.. where i can do what i wanna do. Or not so much what i want to do.. just.. i can do what he wants me to do in the way that i want to do them. If that makes sense. For example, if he goes out for the day and leaves me with a list of things, then that’s fine, i can stagger them around say my favorite TV soap and a cup of coffee and stuff, and in the process.. i’ll quite enjoy it. But if he’s watching me do stuff, or worse still, helping me, i feel constrained, like he’s micromanaging almost, even though he isn’t. If i say i want a break to watch the TV soap or a cup of coffee he might be fine with that.. but.. i still feel micromanaged!
One thing Master said on reading kaya’s Master’s reply to her blog, is how nice it was to see his comment, and i have to agree. if he were to write more i suspect that it would be appreciated by both Doms and submissives, a chance to see “the other side”, as it were.
i don’t see anything wrong with you, kaya, at least from my perspective. *smiles*. i think we all do the same thing – pushing, to know that he cares, to know that he’s consistent, to know that he’s worthy of our submission, to know that he’s worthy of the sacrifices we make. i think sometimes – and i can only speak for me on all of this – that sometimes we feel so unworthy ourselves that we push and push and push in order to be punished.. so that if he stays with us despite the horrible people we are, despite how much we disobey.. we know he must love us, must want to be there, must want to do all this stuff. Crazy, i know, but .. *laughs ruefully*.. i guess life is sometimes. crazy, i mean.
kaya, you push and challenge us – the submissives & slaves reading your blog – to think about our own submission, to look at our own relationships and relate what we have to you. Not in the sense of putting you up on a pedastal, but in the sense of promoting thoughts, discussion, within ourselves. And sometimes those thoughts are difficult, and require time to think through, in the stillness of our minds. and sometimes your lessons are difficult to take on board. I suspect this is why you may not get too many replies sometimes, not because you’re not reaching people.. but because they’re going away thinking.. well.. what the hell do i say to that?
in the meantime.. i don’t know when you’ll be allowed back on the puter to check this, but.. i’m sure you n your Master will work things out, until the next time you feel this needy *smiles*.. if you ever need a chat .. you know where i am and how to reach me.
hugggggggsssssss
keth
xx
*hugs back*.. thank you.
I love being micromanaged. I’m really just that needy of a whore. That’s an embarrassing admission.
Precious, you are preaching to the choir…
magdala~
ps. I think they call this growing pains.
magdala~
*hugs* and growing pains..lol.. there was alot of pain but not much growth… well swelling maybe!
If I knew exactly what I was looking for, this would be so much easier.
Masochist: Beat me!
Sadist: No.
-kaylem
http://keeperandkept.blogspot.com
ain’t that the fucking truth.
“Jesus Christ I’m a needy whore.”
Omg, do you have any clue how much I laughed over this line? Or how many times I have apologized to the Emperor this week for being so needy and high maintenance?
Sometimes, I get lost. I stumble off the path and can’t find it again, and that makes me panic. Instead of keeping my head and looking – for it is always right where I left it – I panic and run around in circles, crying and alone and afraid – until He reaches out and grabs me by the ponytail and slams me back in my place.
There is nothing wrong with you, as you know too well. It’s just so hard, this particular path, and we have to walk it with a thousand voices screaming in our heads, protesting every thing we do, everything They make us do. All we can do is just … have faith. In Them. In ourselves.