Forever Is A Long Time.
Forever: continually; incessantly; always.
This is one of those times where I am not in love with being a slave; when the normally secure-feeling of restrictions feels suffocating, binding, irritating.
I want to stretch my wings. I want to talk freely without fear of repercussions. I want to do what I want to do without having to submit it in writing, in triplicate, have the equivalent of the Spanish Inquisition to explain, wait for the domly stamp of approval (or denial)-
I just want to say “Hey. I’m going here and I’m doing this and I’ll be back later. Buh-bye.” and have that be enough. A peck on the cheek, a happy farewell of “Have fun, baby” or “I’ll see ya later.” and walk on out the door.
I want to come home from said outing without being nervous, without having to hand in receipts to be poured over, questioned on what’s-this and what’s-that and why’d-you-get-that. Without having to justify every purchase, every stop, every move.
I want to sit on the couch instead of cleaning if a good book has my attention. I want to feel like a contributor rather than a burden. I want to have an equal sense of ownership over possessions and have the ability to extend that to others.
I want to be able to offer criticisms that aren’t responded to in kind. I want every mistake to not ruin an entire day. I want repercussions, if there must be some, to be reasonable, sensible and pertinent to the mistake- and to not include people who had nothing to do with it.
I want to have the freedom to have my own thoughts, opinions and goals. I want the freedom to disagree- and to be heard.
I want the freedom to be wrong.
I want to shake myself free of the tools of manipulation and control that hang over my head, over my life; the things that shove me down and hold me there, trapped and squashed, every time I try and rise up. I want out from under the heavy blanket that is HIM.
I want to breathe.
The land of rainbows and unicorns seems far, far away. I feel like a permanent resident of some barren, Stephen King-esque wasteland of tumbeweeds and hot wind and hungry crows waiting to peck your eyes out should you fall.
His methods of enforcing his rights, of getting his way, of asserting his ownership can be tasteless. This is one of those times where the grass is greener on the other side and I’m pressed up against the fence of his control, having to swallow the bitter facts of my fate.
Of my life.
I am not always in love with being owned.
But I am always owned.
Now where’d that fucking unicorn go?
~cunt
LikeTags: M/s rambles, reality, whine
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday September 28th, 2009 7:19am
*hugs* pms? sea change? event that triggered this? the only thing that is constant is change. we all are under construction and the key to this life is to find the person to be our companion on this pilgrimage who shows us what we truly can be…will challenge us, will encourage us, and will show us when we are wrong…just a thought…
pms? Prolly.
sea change? Maybe?
event that triggered this? Oh yes.
the only thing that is constant is change.- can I change it back please? Like, NOW.
Be careful with that unicorn wish. Next thing you know you’ll be impaled on one.
Don’t I know it. Ugh.
I’m telling you, I’m POSITIVE the grass is greener on your side. I’m on the this side, looking at your grass. It’s WAY greener. Totally. Vibrant. Shining. GREEN.
I HATE the lack of control I’ve got right now. He’s off in his own head, and I’m fending for myself. I find myself asking permission to do things I don’t have to ask permission to do just because I NEED TO ASK, and I NEED to hear it’s okay that I do the thing.
You and I should trade for a couple days or something. Why is there no trading system set up? What kind of lunacy is that?
~Chloe, who knows it’s a little rich that she would say the word “lunacy” in regard to anyone or anything other than herself.
[rq=741759,0,blog][/rq]I Enjoy Similes
If it helps any, I live on this side of that, but also in a long term very loving relationship. There are always times you feel exactly like that, even in a relationship without lines and rules. I would bet my husband sometimes even feels the same way. I think it’s the nature of long term love in close quarters.
I want to pick up the phone right this second – except the EI therapist will be here any minute, and the bigger dude is at the emergency room, and I have too many balls in the air that I can’t breathe, either.
I love you. Miss you, my beautiful cupcake.
:-************
I am so with you on this entry today. My dreams last night were scattered with all things that mean “freedom.”
[rq=742564,0,blog][/rq]Service Book of Days
and yet you are exactly where you choose to be.
i go through these moments (sometimes briefly, sometimes not) about once a week.
i bitch and vent, usually in the form of writing for Him to read when He gets a chance. We talk AND listen (and then i post most of it on my blog for others to look at so they know that they are not alone) and then We move on to the next obstacle.
i find when i’m not suffocated by Him(figurative use of the word this time) is when i feel the most lost and confused. But i do have my moments of “i’m cranky, leave me alone.” Sometimes i’m told to go to the bedroom and lay quietly for a while; other times He is a relentless idiot who just doesn’t understand that i’m cranky damn it! (His reasoning is along the lines of “Too bad for you!”)
The grass does look much nicer on the other side of the fence at these times. Then i look again later and realized it’s (as others have said) painted gravel.
[rq=743242,0,blog][/rq]Erotic Slavehood Homework
Kaya,
As much as we may love our lives, there’ll always be times when we just…need…out…of…them! I love to teach, yet I find there are times when I just want to chuck it and stay at home. We keep on trucking becasue, we’re both smart enough to realise we’d have these days even more often if we weren’t doing what we love; someplace we’ve both been before (you before you met Him and me before I started to teach). All I can say is hang in there, this too, will pass.
Dave
I’ve been feeling the same way lately, and it’s odd, because he’s been so ‘stuck in his head’ that I don’t feel much like a slave. I’m shopping online with my built-up allowance, and going places, and one day I took a ‘personal day’ and napped and crocheted all day. And it’s okay with him, which makes the things I HAVE to do like saying fucking “SIR” All The Damn Time irritating as hell. I’m getting mad that I’m not getting help with the housework, because all of a sudden I’m all, ‘Why am I the bitch, while you sit on the computer??’ If you’re just as happy either way, WHY are we doing this, exactly?
And I can’t even vent about it in my LJ because then he reads it, takes it as a personal attack (as opposed to a critique of events) and is just angry.
Boys are stupid. I will be thinking of you and hoping that things resolve and you feel better soon. Loads of love to you.
[rq=744186,0,blog][/rq]Public Post
Venting helps… you…and everyone else, too, judging by all the responses posted here already! We’ve all been there, kaya, (even those of us “unowned” yet answerable to a loved one) so, heartfelt hugs, and a slap on the butt…and..hang in there, the winds will change direction again!
Nilla
[rq=744349,0,blog][/rq]Warning..boring ahead!
My Master is not into micromanagement. He gives me a lot of freedom, more than I want.
Last week I found myself crawling at my Master’s feet, screaming as he hit me over and over, the pain more than I had ever endured… because I WOULD NOT say what I wanted. Over and over he would ask me… “What do you want?” and spank me harder and harder and all I could say was “I want you to decide. I want you to tell me what to do. Please, Please tell me what to do.”
Sometimes having to decide for myself, to have the freedom to come and go and never have to explain weighs on me, and I wonder what it would be like to live closer to the edge like you do.
I am sure if I did, I would have days of doubt too.
I just discovered this place. You have my response in duplicate on FL. Still thinking of you, though.
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