“For Here, I Hope, Begins Our Lasting Joy.”
We’re fine. Of course we are. I never doubted it for a minute. ;-)
Have you ever delved into the comment section of icanhascheezburger? I did. Once. It hurt to have to look that hard at something to make sense of it.
That’s kind of what Master and my communication has been like these last few months. Neither of us looked hard enough at what the other was saying. We were speaking cheezburger.
One of the misconceptions that I think I need to clear up is that I wasn’t asking for him to do more or to act a different way or treat me a different way. I’m not demanding more scenes or anything like that. If what we had these last few months is how he wants it and what makes him happy, then I could probably make it be all that I needed.
I could make it be enough if it was all that he wanted but the problem with that was that I knew it wasn’t making him happy. I knew he wasn’t satisfied with how things were, yet the change to make it be what he wants, HAS to be made from him. I might think I know what he wants, but I can’t take it there. Not when I’m not driving. So here we were, existing in equally unhappy states. Me waiting for him to change it, him waiting for me to be ready for change. And both of us jabbering at each other in lolcat-ese.
I, long ago, passed the hurdle of accepting that real life wasn’t going to match my midnight masturbation fantasies. That kids and work and obligations and sleep trump the ol’ M/s fairyland. I’m fine with reality, honest. And I even prefer it sometimes. I like that reality has curbed both of us from some of the more intense stuff, cuz, really, I’m old. And tired. A night vegging out in front of the TV or lazy, sleepy Saturday mornings spent in bed are A-OK in my book.
But there is a point where too much "reality" negates the M/s. If you allow the everyday things to take over completely, the only M/s thing you are left with is the title. And that kinda sucks. Although, a large part of the talk was in having to sit back and think about all of the rules and the control that I do live under. Stuff that would probably smother someone else is now just a part of my everyday life. Routine and commonplace. But I was aware of that. We’ve talked about that enough that when I begin to feel "uncontrolled" I take a step back and list each of the rules and the rituals that are in place.
Uncontrolled and unused are two different things though. I wasn’t feeling uncontrolled. I was feeling unused. Unused, unneeded.
So here’s the thing. There were several things that happened all at about the same time. Some of it personally between us, some of it outside things that happened to each of us separately. We each did the other the "favor" of backing up and giving space. And we even did it intentionally. We spoke it outloud. We discussed it. We said "I am going to back off and allow you to heal from this "personal drama" for awhile." We supported each other, held each other.. all of that wonderful stuff. And *still* we failed to notice when the other was "healed" and let it turn in to a mess of miscommunication and hurt feelings.
Insanity I tell you.
Let’s take the services that I used to do, the nightly blow jobs, etc. It used to be one of the rituals. Every night I was to ask this series of questions. Do you want a blow job, Master? Would you like a foot rub, Master? Do you want your back massaged, Master? Among other things. But it became so fucking routine, so *boring*, for both of us after so long of doing it that way every night that he, one day, just tossed it. Said that I was not to ask for those things anymore, he was tired of hearing it, I was tired of doing it, and if he wanted any one of those things, he’d tell me so. Occasionally I’d ask if I was really hankering to suck his dick, but mostly if he wanted it, he’d ask for it.
But then we gave each other the aforementioned space. He stopped asking and I stopped offering. As we healed, it became the elephant in the middle of the room every night. Even if he wanted one, he wouldn’t ask because we weren’t sure if we were back on track or if his pushing me would be detrimental to us. And I wouldn’t offer because it had begun to feel, to me, like he didn’t want them anymore. And if I asked and he said yes, I turned it into "he’s only saying yes because he pities me. It’s a pity-fuck." and I’d do a crap job of it, which only led him to further believe that I wasn’t emotionally healed from my own outside dramas and he’d back off farther, I’d back off farther..
Do you see the insanity?
It’s been that way with most everything as well. Just a series of misconceptions and unspoken worries.
Me getting a job was another of the big issues. He doesn’t want me working. Period. The End. He’d allow it if it would ease the guilt I have over not providing for the kids, but it’s not something he wants. So I was truly torn over that. Torn between doing what I thought was right for my kids and doing what I knew he wanted. Not to mention being terrified at the thought anyway, and suspecting that it would end up being just another barrier in the way of doing what it is that we do. And as soon as I acknowledged that, as soon as I confirmed his own suspicions that it would "take away" from his end goal, he removed it as an option. No job.
But I still have my "issues" over not being able to do this or that for the kids. So that’s going to be solved with the money from the crafts and the clips that we sell. The craft money is mine to do whatever I want for the kids (within reason) and the clip money, he’ll give me 1/3 of. It’ll be like having an allowance. Kid money. This way I can indulge in the mommy-stuff with no guilt and no fighting.
(I did back away from the crafts for a while. It was almost painful to make them for other people when I was so missing them myself. But it’s good now. I’ll have a page up shortly with the craft stuff.)
We also discussed the difference between short-term happiness with long-term consequences, as opposed to short-term unhappiness with long-term satisfaction. The example used in the comments was like this: slave looks too tired to be beat and fucked so Master, in spite of wanting to beat and fuck her, gives in to sympathy. The slave later feels bad for it. That’s short-term happiness with long-term consequences. Should the Master stick with what he wants to do in the first place, though there might be some initial "but I don’t WANT to" from the slave, the long-term satisfaction of just being used anyway is hugely important (well, for me anyway).
Of course there was more that we talked about. The thing that comforts me in a big way is that there weren’t any promises or new rules or anything like that. He didn’t agree to step it up or to pay more attention to me. In fact, there will probably be few changes, if any, for right now. Life is what it is and that’s that. But just being able to announce that we’re both "back" and healed and letting go of hurts… it’s wonderful. Really huge. He sees me, he still has a plan and a goal and that’s all I needed to know.
And I know what he wants and expects. NOW it can be enough.
Who said I was high-maintenance? ;-)
~cunt
LikeTags: M/s rambles
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Sunday March 2nd, 2008 4:01pm
I’m so glad you came to this. It sounds like you broke through that “looking over the cliff” feeling.
*hugs*
Just wanted to stop by and give you *hugs*! I’ve been following along its just been hectic here, so I haven’t had a chance to comment. Its amazing how much can be fixed when we all just open our mouths isn’t it? ;-)
Kaya,
You are not high maintainance. I am glad that you and your Master have sorted things out. Continuing to keep you in my thoughts!
Rayne
Kaya,
Thank you for your continued brutal honesty.
~S
I have tried to read the comments on Icanhascheezburger and I have no idea what they are saying either. I don’t think you’re high maintenance at all. :)
I sat back and just watched as all this unfolded. My home sex life is very vanilla compared to most (I think) M/s or D/s relationships. Im lucky if I get used 10x in a YEAR the way I want to be used. I dont live under any set rules, I work outside the house and I pretty much piss away money as I like w/out consequence.
I envy you. I dont want the amount of restrictions that you live under but Id be happy if he just ATTEMPTED to restrain me abit. But, it wont ever happen. I get my doses of D/s or M/s (take your pick of terms) when I finally piss and moan and whine enough that he does it to shut me up. (Although my new toy testing thing with Eden Fantasys does help push things along nicely.)
I like what I see you two talking about, agreeing on and working together to fix and make sure both persons needs are fulfilled.
*sits in completely jealousy*
I just wish mine would listen and understand that I NEED it. Instead its an uphill battle to even get a spanking.
Lucky cunt :)
kaya,
im so happy for you and your Master that you talked and worked things out.. i have been thinking about you alot.
the warmest biggest hugs,
Hisflower
Kaya,
Cool beans! I’m glad that things seem to be working for the two of you. I think everyone has experienced a time when the unsaid caused pain and confusion in their lives. It’s wonderful that you and Him care enough to try to talk things through. Here’s hoping that there’s some more enjoyable pain in your near future (if life will just get out of the way:) ).
Dave
I was feeling unused. Unused, unneeded.
I so understand this feeling and it is not pleasant to endure. For those of us who crave slavehood, I think this is a huge source of frustration as it almost negates who and what we are.
I’m glad that you and your Master have figured things out. Thanks so much for sharing your struggle with us as I know this couldn’t have been easy to do.
kaya,
reading you at this point in my own personal struggle helps me realize that i am not alone in my angst. this problem i have been having is nothing like what you have been dealing with, but still know that i take comfort in it. Master and i have been doing much talking as well — and just knowing that He isnt giving up on me and still wants me, makes me want to keep fighting my demons. i will say i am glad you will be doing the crafts again — i have been back and forth on ordering that one item from you — but now that i told Master about it, He might actually pay the bill …. lol i am not sure i am happy about that – perhaps i was dragging my feet for a reason.
I’m glad you were able to talk about this.
I hope things improve because of it :)
I’m smiling. I’m glad it turned out this way.
Yes!!
And whew.
:-)
Kaya,
Glad to read that things are looking up.
Nearly forgot … is it bad that I can read the comments on icanhascheezburger and understand them?
I’ve been reading you forever it seems and from the outside looking in, it appears you two are still adjusting to His being home most of the time as opposed to Him there a week and gone for two kinda thing. It was easy to not get into the proverbial rut because you were apart so much. When you saw each other, you were both sexed up to the max. You didn’t have the luxury of your relationship turning ho hum…
Now you live like the majority of us…trying to fit fantasy sex play into the reality of kids and work and, well; the ho hum of day to day life.
What complicates it a bit more dear kaya is you will analyze a thing to death. I luv you like a sister, but you have been known to obsess with M/s issues. It comes from a good place because you want it to be perfect… but you my dear know it never is. I’m glad you are on a more even keel. Try not to worry so much. It will be fine sweetheart
I am glad you turned the corner. :) And I hope things continue to look up for you.
kaya…YEAA…YEAAAAA….YEAAAAAA! *insert happy dancing here* i’m so glad for you…
fown
I was so happy to read not just of you and your Master working things out but more importantly that there was real, honest communication–from what I read.
Dealing in the finance field, I can tell you that when a person has worked outside the home, it is hard not to have some discretionary money. It is wonderful that your Master has allowed you that privilege.
Please keep writing, if find you real, inspirational and brutually honest.
zin
[...] 2, 2008 · No Comments I swear, kaya and her Master just trail-blaze the way for me and my Master, so we can skip along the path, admiring the [...]
So glad you seem to be “back on track”!!!
So much of what you have said in this post hits right home!!!!
Take care of you and Yours!!!!!
xx honey xx
Yay! :)
*hugs*
See! I told you so! I told you you would figure this one out as well!
*hugs*
i’m thrilled. i’m happy. i’m hopeful for all of us, reading this. :)
I’m so happy for you both. I can only imagine how much better you both must feel and how much lighter things are around the home. Yay!! *hugs*
i am glad to hear you are feeling better. thank you for sharing.
xxoo
“Hope is a state of mind, not of the world. Hope, in this deep and powerful sense, is not the same as joy that things are going well, or willingness to invest in enterprises that are obviously heading for success, but rather an ability to work for something because it is good.”
~Vaclav Havel
Yes…an ability to work for something because it is good.
Here’s to hope for you and yours! (Or Him and His, as the case may be…)
~a well-wishing magpie
[...] 3, 2008 · No Comments Well, my friends kaya and pixiepie have both had recently upheavals in our M/s relationships, and so had [...]