Follow The Leader
I’ve got some thoughts rattling. It’s just some stuff I read that sparked one thought to another. Not necessarily anything that I am currently struggling with, but certainly a projected path that I could imagine.
Proactive service vs. Presumptuous service.
Lets talk for a minute about Slave O and Master M.
O wants very desperately to be a good slave, to be what her Master wants. Master M has spent a number of years working with, and training O to be everything he’s ever wanted. O feels like she has a pretty good grasp on who M is, what he wants, and in how best to serve him.
Over time though, as can happen, life starts weighing them down. Age, health, money, kids, work, stress… it’s all there. Sometimes, just getting through the day zaps all of their energy. The M/s is never gone as it’s too much of an ingrained part of who they are to ever slide completely away.
An accurate analogy of them might be “the surface of the river is deceptively glassy, while underneath runs a strong current.”
But Slave O and Master M aren’t content with ‘deceptively glassy’. They miss riding the rapids. They’ve talked extensively about it. Master M, while agreeing that he misses it too, appears uninspired to suit up.
Slave O, after waiting some time for Master M to whip up some whitecaps, begins to think of ways that she could proactively “encourage” Master M to resume his post as Paddle Captain.
But it’s a fine line, don’t you think, between proactive and presumptous?
Because of…
Feeling Obligated vs. They Get To Do What They Want
It seems a rather common thread amongst most M/s couples I know that the dominant gets to do what he wants when he wants (within the laws of reason, I suppose. Wanting to be able to fly isnt going to sprout him wings once he hops off the cliff! Likewise, wanting to stop working won’t pay the bills.)
But let’s assume that Master M is a reasonable and intelligent adult and forgo any complicated wants. He wants what he wants when he wants it, agreed?
Good.
Now let’s say that Slave O, pure of spirit and mind, proactively sets up a scenario in which Master M is confronted with the obvious want of his slave. Let’s say she shuffles the kids to a sitter for the night and greets Master M at the door sans clothing. Let’s say she’s spread his favorites toys out, and she slips to her knees before him and bows her head to his feet.
Master M would look at his slave, naked and on the floor, groveling at his feet, view the toys, notice the quiet that only occurs when kids have left the house. The music, the wine, the lighting- but mostly the naked chic on the floor.
It is obvious what is supposed to happen here. There is, without question, a feeling of being obligated. She’s done all of this work, created this stage, arranged this time.
Now, if what he wants to do right at that particular time is to ravish his naked woman until they are both left dehydrated lumps of flesh on the rumpled bedsheets, then all is well and good. Because doing what he wants to do trumped obligation.
But what if the only thing he had been thinking about all day at his grueling job was how he couldn’t wait to get home, turn on the football game, put his feet up and snore his way through the second half. He wanted a cold beer, some hot food and some sleep. In that order.
And gosh darn it, he’s the dom, he’s the Master, he’s created a living environment in which he, yep you guessed it, he gets to do what he wants to do when he wants to do it.
Instead, he opens the front door to- naked slavegirl.
Does he remain true to his wants or does he give in to obligation?
The pat answer is that he’d remain true to his wants. That seems vital to the core of M/s.
Right? Except for…
Anticipation vs. Disappointment.
Slave O has definite expectations on how the night will turn out. She giggled while kissing the kids goodbye. She got the nervous-sweats rushing to get the house set up before he came home. Her fingers shook so badly she could barely strap the cuffs around her wrists. And she had to wipe her inner thighs-twice!-while laying out his favorite toys.
Her cheeks hurt from grinning, her heart damn near escaped her chest when she heard his key in the lock.
Exactly how much would Master M be destroying in her if he does not give in to the obligation to meet her expectations?
Pretty huge, I’d think.
How much of himself has he compromised by following her lead?
No matter how much Slave O is cautioned to check the expectations at the door, no matter how many times she’s experienced expectations falling flat, no matter how much she knows, how much she believes in and arranges for and supports that her Master M gets to do what he wants when he wants to do it– no matter ALL of that–expectations remain.
Maybe they’re softer. Muted. But they exist.
Without them, while it may be true you’d save yourself from some devastatingly disappointing moments, you’d lose anticipation. And I happen to find anticipating big moments to be half the fun of it.
However, placing those expectations upon Master M, arranging scenes, whether proactively or presumptuous, and then anticipating the outcome seems to muddy the once perfectly white waters that they used to raft on.
Because, one cannot always tell who is…
Leading vs. Being Lead
I take umbrage at the idea that the Master of the relationship carries all of the burden and responsibility of said relationship.
Yet, the fact remains that given the nature of how we relate, our hands are tied on just how much responsibility we can assume, just how much we can direct the day to day before we are, in fact, directing the relationship itself.
Too much active participation, and we become The Leader.
Too little active participation, and we, perhaps, cease to matter.
That probably sounds a bit melodramatic. One could say, well, I hardly think you cease to matter just because you step back and let them do what they want when they want! After all that’s the core, that’s the key!
But- think about it…
God Syndrome vs. Masterhood
Humans are selfish, self-absorbed creatures.
Desires run deep and hard. People put themselves into all sorts of impossible and ruinous situations to fulfill their own desires.
Desires are kept in check, hopefully, by your internal compasses. Maturity, morals, ethics, integrity, honesty. After all, some people ARE alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
Those internal compasses are shaped by life, by circumstance, by your peers and associates. That compass changes direction based on where you are, who you are with, what the circumstance is.
How often do we hear that someone is a completely different person at home than they are at work, or when they are in a social situation.
Or, more shockingly-How often do we hear how that serial killer who mutilated 7 young girls and lived next door was “the nicest guy! I just can’t believe it! He used to rake my leaves!”
If Master M is always and forever quietly supported and encouraged to do what he wants when he wants without regard to Slave O’s expectations, needs or wants, then he WILL stop seeing her.
He’ll stop SEEING her. Not with his eyes. With his mind. With his compass.
She will cease to matter. His ego will cloud out his better judgement. He’ll become so convinced of his superior needs and wants that he’ll forget she even had any. Or, simply dismiss her’s as worth attending to.
He’s treated as a God, he begins to think he is one. Above reproach, above expectation.
Above being a disappointment.
So what does she do when she’s fervently wishing for a white water rafting expedition and Master M is stuck in an eddy?
I don’t know.
It seems a slippery slope, with sharp rocks at the bottom.
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Friday November 20th, 2009 1:49pm
*giggles* I highly doubt the God syndrome will be affecting Sir anytime soon- I do nothing quietly or subtly ^-^
But really a very thought provoking entry. I actually had to read it through twice to see what you are getting at. I know I have issues setting the scene, or even being too seductive in case that isn’t what he wants and I know I’d be crushed if he actually turned me down. When I hint he can always just say “later” and later always happens be it 20 minutes or two days. But if I showed up in nothing but my collar I would have put myself out there and be much more vulnerable to hurt if he said no which he and I both know he has every right to do *pouts*
I’ve been very lucky in that if I make a wish known(and I do often) he will tell whether or not he thinks it’s a good idea AND most importantly tell me why.
First and foremost D/s or M/s is a relationship and relationships require compatability and compromise even if it does seem at odds with the idea of the “twue” dynamic. Slaves, subs, pets etc are peoples not robots after all ^-^
“First and foremost D/s or M/s is a relationship and relationships require compatability and compromise even if it does seem at odds with the idea of the “twue” dynamic”
Exactly.
I know whenever I’m trying not to have expectations, I definitely end up having big ones that make the fall harder! Thanks for articulating so well this very delicate balancing act!
subrina´s last blog ..human will
Me too. Maybe it’s just human nature.
This is a really interesting topic. Several of these points have crossed the pages of my personal writings. i’ll have to revisit my notebooks and see what i can come up with. *smiles*
niya´s last blog ..Spoiled
Okay! I hope to see them.
I seem to remember a time that all you wanted WAS to not matter….To be a nothing…xxx
Meh. People change.
Oops that was me
I LOVE this entry – it’s brilliant.
It touches on so many things I constantly think about and especially that struggle about being ‘proactive’ and being ’submissive’. God, it’s such a fine, fine line and you can go around endlessly in circles with it. I doubt there is a way to keep everyone happy all of the time – perhaps we just have to settle for keeping everyone happy most of the time.
subtle´s last blog ..That orgasm denial thing
Most of the time is what I shoot for. *nods*
Yikes I almost posted this over there for the millionth time. I remembered as Ihit send that you arnt with us over there anymore sniff,sniff. But Im glad you didnt go to far away.
I love this kaya, really. You should think about giving roundtable slave talks at functions. You have a amazing way of words that make people stop and think about what you are writing and getting at and the other thing I love about your posts is that you always get at both sides so both M and I both get something out of it.
IMHO I would hope my Master would ravish my nekkid body specially concidering I have never done something all the way like that. I do get the its his choice part and all but I would be lieing if I said it wouldnt leave me crushed if football won out.
Master was saying he wouldnt mind if I called him on the given day and asked if I could perhaps plan something special for us and he would once permission was given enjoy not handling the minor details and just getting to come threw the door and get at it he also said thats why we have a DVR the game would wait till he could watch.
I know not all feel that way but either way you have a gift of making me look at it threw both sides of the glass.
I loves you bunches and bunches!!
tia
Gosh- I never even think to check over there for comments. Yikes.
About giving talks- should we ever have the privilege to meet you’ll see why I could never give talks. I can write, because I have the time to think and backspace and change and…all that stuff. My speaking style? Horrible! I swear.
Wow. Like, wow. Genius. Excellent. Wild. This is, in a (very large) nutshell actually the problem, or series of problems, that turned us away from D/s and related stuff when we first got into it years ago… and which plagues even the vanilla aspects of our relationships even now. (Does that mean our vanilla aspects aren’t vanilla since clearly there are power plays involved?) I’ve never seen it so clearly articulated. Got any solutions?
My first instinct as a solution? Lay it all in the Master’s lap..lol. Isn’t he in charge anyway?!
Tee-hee-hee…I have a headache now.
thepinkpoppet´s last blog ..Her Pain, His Pleasure.
Do ever just stop? I like your writing but I do wonder why you always have so many issues within your lifestyle. You must be exhausting for you Master.
Like I said at the beginning, this isn’t about me and isn’t a problem I am having. Sometimes I talk about other things besides myself.
I don’t think these issues are necessarily unique to the lifestyle, either.
D: You must be exhausting your subby!
Gah…
I think yes, this are very serious and normal isssues that happen, not only in the lifestyle but even in marriage… o__o
fukin’ wierd
Nina´s last blog ..Mi sumision… Mi verdadera cara.
It’s probably very selfish, but I try to be proactive in things that are smaller, more routine. Instead of waiting for him to tell me something that is *relatively* routine, I just do it…because I can handle the disappointment if he didn’t need/want it. Big things, big scenes and such? I totally lay those in his lap, because big stuff = big expectations for myself. I can’t help it. And I don’t handle feeling like a failure well.
My biggest fear, in all of this, is that I will cease to matter. Sometimes I feel like I don’t anyway – that he only cares about what he can get FROM me or what he can pull OUT of me, not about me as a person. That’s not necessarily the truth, but some days it feels like that.
I think Anony’s comment that you ‘must be exhausting’ was really shitty, because different folks like different strokes and all. I know my own daddy gets bored if I don’t keep him on his toes a bit!
TakenbyLovely´s last blog ..Public Post
I think that it is important to retain a certain orneriness as a sub so that the dom is never 100% relaxed. I certainly wouldn’t want routine to step in and boredom follow.
I don’t have the expectation that I will simply be a passive participant in our grand M/s relationship waiting for him to initiate whatever his heart desires. Much the opposite, in fact. And if I am being too proactive or forward, you can bet he will let me know in no short order.
It is possible to overthink this stuff. (Which incidentally, he tells me I am guilty of on a semi-regular basis lol)
doubleknot´s last blog ..Thanksgiving train
A slippery slope with jagged rocks at the bottom strikes me as a good way to describe any romantic and/or sexual relationship.