Foiled Again
Master and I had penciled in Wild Monkey Sex for last night (it really is getting that difficult to come together) (Get it? “Come” together? Ha!) and then I ended up having to watch Babygirl, and he got called into work.
So I totally shaved my legs for nothing. Suckage.
~~*~~
I’ve been waiting for Master to give me head pats and “poor widdle girl” stuff since the hair post (TWO WHOLE DAYS. I’ve been waiting for TWO days! *huff*) but they didn’t seem to be forthcoming. I don’t always know when/if he reads here so last night I did a little lower lip pooch and whined that he must not be reading me anymore.
Because surely if he WAS reading me, he’d have lavished me with… something.
He rolled his eyes, took a deep breath and rattled off the last 4 or 5 post titles and topics.
You know what that means? I’ve been dismissed. Me and my hair woes. That’s what that means.
Ye olde “If it isn’t a problem for Me, it isn’t a problem, cunt” at play here.
He’s such a fucker.
*beams*
~~*~~
I’m going cold turkey on the pain killers. All of you bearers of good news out there have convinced me that I should give this a shot first. 2 to 3 weeks with nothing? And then what? If I’m still getting headaches, can I blame my hair then and start taking some again?
Notice how I’m determined to blame the hair. I’m such a martyr.
~~*~~
So I (tried to) made bread last night. You’d think I had this down pat, given that I’ve been making bread forever.
And yet- no. I sure don’t. Last night’s two loaves went straight into the trash.
Troubleshooting time!
I made the dough in the breadmaker, and planned on baking them in the oven. I’ve never done this before- precisely because I don’t really know what the steps should be once you take the dough out of the machine and I KNEW I’d fuck it up.
And I did.
I’m a fucking prophet, I tell ya.
Here’s what I did. Tell me what I did wrong.
Bread maker finished dough cycle. I dumped it out on a floured surface. I could tell right away that it *looked* way, way, WAY too wet and sticky, but seeings as how I’ve never really worked with raw bread dough, I wasn’t sure what it was supposed to look like.
I tried to incorporate more flour into it, mostly because I couldn’t even work with it, and also because my MarthaStewart-senses were tingly. Too wet, too wet, too wet! I had no idea if I was supposed to knead the dough more after the machine had finished the dough cycle (and you know what? Trying to Google things like that only confuses me more. It’s information overload, and chock full of variables. I wasted more time trying to find an answer.)
Anyway, I added in some flour, kinda squished it in a bit, divided the dough ball into two pieces, rolled them up, plopped them in loaf pans, covered them with plastic wrap, put them in a nice warm spot, and waited.
And waited.
They kinda sorta made a feeble attempt at rising, and then I walked too hard past them and they deflated. Not to be too quick to scrap them, I baked them anyway.
That’s another thing. I didn’t know the temperature or time either. I tried to Google that and I got things like “bake at the time and temperature called for in your recipe”. Well, no fucking shit. If I HAD a recipe I’d probably not be Googling it. Or “find a recipe closest to your ingredients and follow the baking time on it”. I just wanted a time and temp. Fer real.
I tossed them in at about 400F and set the timer for 30 minutes. *shrug*
I don’t think they’d have come out right even if I did know the proper time and temp. But I thought maybe I could at least salvage them for garlic toast or something. Unfortunately, they were nasty little bricks that LOOKED golden brown and tasted like.. I dunno what. Spoiled yeast.
And for real, I think my yeast might be too old. I need to do that yeast test thing, but either way, I’m going to pick up a new jar of it. Other than the possibility of old yeast, what else could have been the culprit? And what IS the time and temp for a basic 1.5lb loaf of white bread? And should I have made it into two loaves or left it as one? And what are the steps after the machine?
I really don’t like how it bakes in the machine but if you had any idea how much it pains me to waste dough ingredients like that, you’d know why I tend to stick with what I know works, even if it isn’t perfect. Our grocery bill can be god-awful and Master…. ugh… let’s just say that having to do the whole receipt explanation thing after grocery shopping gives me ulcers.
~~*~~
I think I’m going to do a “year in review” post. I’ve seen that as a common theme on some of the blogs I lurk around. It looks fun and introspective and y’all know how much I LOVE to navel gaze!
Maybe I’ll do it while Am’s having her party tomorrow night.
What party, you ask? (Okay you didn’t ask but pretend you did.)
Here’s how it went.
Am has a friend, a girl, who lives alone with her mother in this weensy little apartment here in town. This girl’s birthday falls somewhere around New Years Eve. So last year, Am asked if she could host this girl’s birthday slumber party at our house and have a combination B-day/NYE party because we have more room and this girl has never been able to have a big slumber party due to lack of space. Since we were still new in town and I figured Am was working to make friends, Master okay’ed it.
Which.. kudos to him, really. Because having a houseful of squealing teenage girls is NOT his idea of entertainment.
It’s not mine either, btw. Really. Teenagers get on my fucking nerves.
But… there is no limit to the things parents will endure to put a smile on their kid’s face, right? (Well okay. There IS a limit. Lots of them.) But this.. it’s mostly harmless; simply irritating.
Anyway… party tomorrow night. I don’t even know how many screaming girls this time. And a couple of boys, to boot. But they aren’t spending the night. I’m not running a fucking brothel here.
Actually one of the boys IS staying- but he’s gay. And the rest of them that are staying are girls. So, I dunno. That seems safe and his mother is fine with it.
Speaking of gay! Listen to this brilliant bit of maneuvering that my daughter did about the GSA.
I thought she’d given up on it when she couldn’t get a teacher to host, right? I mean, she’d been blocked right out of the gate.
I underestimated her.
She started a page on the internet. A GSA page, for the kids in her high school, and waited.
In the last approximately two months, almost a quarter of her high school’s students have signed up (friended? joined? whatever) her GSA page.
So she took that “evidence” to another teacher and re-pitched her GSA speech.
And she’s got a host.
Next? She, the teacher, and her evidence approach the school admins. If they deny it, and they might, we go to the school board.
Is she made of awesome sauce or what?
~~*~~
Next up- a meme! Yay!
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Wednesday December 30th, 2009 6:02am
Ack! Carpal tunnell surgery yesterday so cannot type much.
Yes, your yeast was kaput. The other thing that will kill a developing bread is getting it too warm as it is resting. No warmer than body temp, ‘kay?
If you have a meat thermometer, bread is done at an internal temp of 190 F. Anything under that and you’ll have goo.
I do come by the Chefgirl name honestly, so I hope this helps!
Possibly I had it in too warm of a spot, too. Although, like I said, I knew it was kaput as soon as I dumped the dough out of the pan. But putting it in a spot that was too warm certainly wouldn’t have helped.
What I do when I make yeast rolls is turn the oven on (at about 200F) for just like.. a minute or two, then shut it off and pop the pan of rolls in to rise. It’s always worked well that way for them, but maybe for bread that’s too hot?
Rapid rise yeast typically only has one rise in it. It’s not coated like active dry yeast so it goes really fast. Active dry yeast has the ability to rise and rise. But yeah, your yeast could have been dead by the second rise.
Here’s a link on oven baking bread machine dough: http://cookingequipment.about.com/od/eqipmenttutorials/ss/ovenbaking.htm
A good way to do a rise not in your bread machine is to use your oven. I learned this trick from Alton Brown, my personal savior in the kitchen. Put a 13×9 baking dish in the bottom rack and the bread in the pan on the rack above. Add boiling water to the baking dish and close the oven. This warms the oven and keep the bread from getting a skin on it.
I was pretty successful with my first loaf of bread for Christmas. I don’t have a bread machine and with how easy this was to do; probably won’t get one. Good luck!
[rq=1675347,0,blog][/rq]Plans
Thanks for the link! And thanks for the oven tip, too. I’ll have to try it.
I keep hearing good things about this Alton Brown. I should check it out.
I am one of those ‘been reading for a ridiculously long time but have never commented’ types. I know, I know – why no comments!? I am pretty sure it has something to do with being lazy.
Anyhow, I had to comment today because when I read about Am’s achievement I was so overwhelmed and happy and proud of her and proud of YOU for being such an awesome, supportive mom. Kudos to you both
Thank you! I am so proud of her. She drives me nuts sometimes but don’t all teenagers?
Oh dear, kaya! You need to start learning to bake from scratch. No machine, just your hands.
Okay, here’s the simplest bread I know how to make. I suggest you print my description or jot it down on paper. I learned by baking this bread over and over and over and fucking over again, but now I understand the process. Here we go:
2 cups of water
½ teaspoon of salt
1 tablespoon oil (canola or olive)
1 teaspoon (active) dry yeast
Flour – all purpose, unbleached, NOT self-rising
I’m consciously not telling you how much flour to use. I want you to learn that by feeling the dough, because if your new sack of flour is dryer than the last one, what worked last time won’t this time, and then you get even more confused.
Get your steak thermometer or a finger. I need you to find water that’s at 118-122 degrees F, or whatever your yeast pack recommends. Anything in between there works. That’s water that’ll be a bit warmer than your hands. It’ll feel warm, but not hot or scalding.
Now. Add ½ a cup of flour to a bowl, and add the yeast and water. Stir until there’s no clumps left. Add more flour until it’s difficult to use a spatula. Add the salt and oil and a bit more flour, but use your hands if you can. You’re looking for a soft, pliable consistency, that won’t stick to your hands.
When it’s hard to keep moving in the bowl, move the dough onto a well floured tabletop. I need you to KEEP KNEADING for 10 minutes. You won’t need to add more flour after a while, you’ll notice the dough doesn’t stick to your hands or the table. That’s the point where you want to start your times and keep kneading for 10 minutes.
You keep kneading, preferably as fast and hard as you’re comfortable. Working up a light sweat is good, arm ache is good. This develops the gluten in the dough, making it rise to be light and high.
Timer goes beep, you put the dough back in the bowl, and cover it with a towel. Place that in an area that’s room temperature, where there’s no draft. Not next to or on your stove! Set your timer to 30 minutes. Go rest!
Come back, knead the dough again, but lightly this time. Form it either into small, round buns or into to loaves. Place on an oven plate, cover with towel and put the plate in the same spot as before. Not drafty, not hot, room temperature. Got it? Good. Set your timer for 30 minutes, turn your oven to 400F and make coffee. Drink it in peace.
Get back in the kitchen. Put the loaves furthest down in the oven or the buns in the middle. The loaves need about 20-30 minutes, the buns about 10.
There’s two ways to see if they’re done. Try both and see how they relate! When the loaves have been in for 15 minutes, put a steak thermometer through the short ed of the bread, into the middle of it. When it’s 205F, the bread is done. The same goes for the bun – perhaps sacrifice one bun to see the temperature?
The other way is to gently turn the loaf or bun over when the top is starting to be golden brown. Tap the bottom with a spoon, along the entire bread. If it sounds empty, it’s done. If not, turn the bread back and try again in five.
Voila! Bread!
If there’s something wrong with your bread, you can then try to google “Bread troubleshooting” and analyze what went wrong.
Some doughs are wetter than this one; Ciabatta dough is ridiculously hard to work with, because it sticks to fucking everything and needs to be POURED onto the table. I worked with ciabattas for a while, because they’re so freaking difficult. When you’ve got this bread and ciabatta down pat, you’ll really know how to make bread. You can adapt this recipe to become a ciabatta one: use ½ a teaspoon yeast, just enough flour to make you want to take your spatula out of the dough and 2 table spoons of olive oil. The first rise should be 3 hours, the second one 2 hours. You should not knead the dough in between, simply fold it over untill you have “sort of” rectangular pieces. Or even, pour it onto the oven plate, and cut it into pieces there, and go straight for a hot oven (450 degrees for 10 minutes, then down to 400 for another 20 or 30). Otherwise the procedure is just as above.
Good luck! And remember e-how.com and Youtube…
Oh, and WAY TO GO Am! I’m so proud.
Wow. That’s a novel! Sorry.
Just wanted to add that when making ciabatta, you need to use the spatula and stirr for 10 instead of kneading for 10. Vigorously.
Enjoy. *evil*
You know my palms started to sweat reading this, don’t you? I get so nervous over the stupidest shit.
I’ll probably need a thermometer for the water. I think that’s probably why sometimes even my bread machine bread isn’t perfect- because I’m guessing at the water temp.
Quick language translation– oven plate? Is that a cookie sheet? Do you use loaf pans at all?
Don’t be nervous. You botch it, you throw it away and try again tomorrow. It’s not harder than that. I’ve failed umpteen times (over 20 at least!) with this bread, and it’s a really simple bread. The recipe is small to allow for failure, so it’s no biggie if you need to start again. You will fail. What you need to do is not to rack down on yourself for it. You did fall while learning to walk, right? Thump, down on your butt! It’s really the same thing.
>.< I really hate my lack of English terms for you. I mean a baking sheet (SHEET?! Where the fuck did you english people come up with that?!) You can use loaf pans if you like. Just make sure they're entirely dry and then oil them slightly with canola oil.
Remember: after you've learned this bread, you can start playing with it. That's really fun! Make it with more water, with sundried tomatoes, olive, feta cheeze, chop down basil or thyme, throw in some oats or old oatmeal, shred a potatoe from last nights supper into it.
Look forward to baking. Something a golfer learns (that M repeats to me over and over and over and over again), is that you shouldn't make a big thing out of missing or failing. Instead: bounce with joy, squeal, spend all you emotions when you get something right.
Like "YAY, it looks AMAZING! Oh, the inside wasn't done – whatever, it still looked AWESOME. I'm awesome. I'm so totally going to get it soon."
It'll make a world of difference.
Oh, and while my other post randomly floats around the ethernet waiting to be posted, I’ll answer your questions:
Other than the possibility of old yeast, what else could have been the culprit?
It didn’t rise properly, or for long enough. If a bread tastes yeast, it’s usually one of those things (for me). A bread is done rising when you press your fingers down lightly on it and it springs back up. It should also just about double in size. If you’re not sure, give it another ten minutes then check again.
>>>And what IS the time and temp for a basic 1.5lb loaf of white bread? <<>>And should I have made it into two loaves or left it as one? <<>>And what are the steps after the machine?<<<
The machine did the combining and kneading? Then you can pour it into oiled loaf pans and let rise. Let rise BENEATH A COTTON TOWEL. The saran wrap will stick to it, you'll try to unstick it and then they'll deflate. Do not bake something that's deflated, it's a waste of time. Wait for it to rise again. KEEP IT WHERE IT'S ROOM TEMP! Seriously. If you keep it where it's warm, it'll flow out to the sides if you aren't using a loaf pan. The yeast works too fast in that case.
If you do want to add more flour after the machine is done, then yes – you're supposed to knead. In loaf pans, the dough can be pretty wet without a problem.
My general rule of thumb about rising is this: if I let it rise twice, it needs 30-60 minutes each time. If it rises once (like if you don't knead, just pour into loaf pans), one to two hours is good. Do the finger-mark test.
Btw. Googling the finger mark test will confuse you. Some say, that when your fingers leave a small dent in the dough and it doesn't rise back up, it's done. Some say like me, that when it's about twice the original size and does rise back up after your fingers marked it, it's done. So: Meh? Go with what makes sense to you? It should double in size, that all agree on.
Honey I’m Home Bread (bread machine make, stove baked)
1/2 stick butter
1 cup milk
1/4 cup sweetener(i use honey or maple syrup depending on mood)
1 egg
dump all that stuff into bread machine pan. I use pdrd milk, so for me it’s adding 1/3 cup milk powder, and 1 cup hot water. But you don’t need to heat it…just how i do it. Then add 4 cups of flour. Then sprinkle on top 1 teaspoon yeast (i get the large bags of it at BJ’s which i store in the freezer once opened)
Put pan in bread machine (a very important step!) Set to “dough”. It takes 1.5 hours for the dough to mix and first rise.
After the time is up, spray bread loaf pan w/Pam. Remove dough from machine pan. I roll it into a tube (in the air,not on the counter, just between my palms like…playdo)Then roll the tube ends into the center,and re-roll to a fat tube that will fit the pan…both ends of the loaf should touch the ends of the pan. Don’t ask me why, dunno. just …works that way.
Put in oven. Let rise 45mins to one hour…
Bake at 350 for 41 minutes (I start with the oven cold so this includes the time it takes for the oven to warm up.)
This is easy peasy. I have two bread machines so I make 2 loaves every 3 days. good luck!
nilla
[rq=1678527,0,blog][/rq]FFF OOPS
That does sound easy.
You start with the oven cold? Really! I don’t think I’ve ever cooked anything that didn’t require to preheat the oven first.
I lol’ed at “like…playdo”. You totally have little kids. Hee.
I use bread machine and it sounds like your yeast was bad
also, put your whole egg in a coffee mug of warm water to make it room temp before you put into the bread maker. be sure to put liquids first, then dry ingredients and don’t mix the yeast into it, let the bread maker do it all
lastly, use bread flour not regular flour.
Yeah, I think the yeast was kaput.
I don’t have a bread machine bread recipe that calls for an egg. What’s your recipe?
kaya,
your cracking me up tonight…i am not running a brothel. ROFL.
lol. Well! I’m not!
If you want coaching or my basic recipe, let me know.
I make bread by hand twice a week. (Well, I have a stand mixer to do the annoying kneading part for me. But otherwise by hand.)
That’s kind of what I was going for.. sort of. Letting the bread machine do the annoying kneading/mixing part and then baking it in the oven for a more “hand made” taste. Bread machine baking makes it…odd, I guess.
I’d like your basic recipe, and any hints you can think of. I get tripped up over the non-specific directions, because they are aimed at people who, presumably, already know how to bake. I don’t, so that’s usually where I falter. Things like “a warm place” and “warm water”, or “knead til pliable”, etc. I’m guessing at how warm is warm and what pliable feels like.
And then it’ll say things like “If your bread is too ‘heavy’ this time around, next time try adding a Tbsp less water. Or more salt. Or more flour. Or blah blah blah.” – and while I get the reasoning for having to change one thing per attempt to pinpoint the problem, I seriously cannot waste that amount of ingredients. I just can’t. So I back off instead of just getting through it and learning it.
So yeah. Help?
Go Am! You must be so proud.
Mother’s Pride. I haz it.
Tell Am way to go!!!! I was a sponsor of a GSA at my old very conservative high school so I know how much shit she has to put up with. Me and my Lezzie daughter both tell her to keep on doing good. If nothing else, she is making some examine their stupid beliefs. She is doing what I always told my students, make a difference. Good on her! The Prof
I’m with you on letting the bread machine do all of my kneading. I HATE kneading! Anyway, I agree with the rest of the group with the sentiment that your yeast was bad. For what it’s worth, I use either active dry yeast or bread machine yeast, and I never let the bread machine do the baking. I just let it run its full dough cycle (rising and all), then dump it out when it’s done, knead it a little more by hand and then put it in my loaf pan. Then I let it sit for maybe 20 more minutes so it rises about to the top of the pan so the bread isn’t too squat (generally I let it sit on top of the oven while it’s preheating during the winter). I bake it for around 25 minutes, and brush some olive oil on the top to give it that nice color. Oh, and I usually leave it in the middle of the oven, not the very bottom or top. It usually rises a little more while it’s baking, too, so don’t let it rise too much in the pan.
I have no idea if what I do is what any official baker would do, but it’s worked for me! Sometimes if I messed up the flour to water ratio, it’s a little dense, but still perfectly edible.
Hope that helps! Oh, and congratulations to your daughter! Way to not give up!
Go her for not giving up on the GSA!!!
Good luck with the bread- i have nothing to offer for that (just started *really* cooking from scrath past few years and have no clue how to make any bread except pumpkin and banana
[rq=1737910,0,blog][/rq]Bad Slave, No Valium
I love your kids, chick. Truly. They are made of awesomesauce, for sure.
[rq=1886490,2,blog][/rq]Sadistic Tendencies? When? How?