Feldman
About 8 or 9 months ago my daughter brought home a kitten that she had rescued from a friend’s farm. It was the most pathetic kitten ever seen. Absolute skin and bones, too weak to really meow, for days it ate and slept and did little else. We were all surprised that she lived, to be honest.
My daughter named her Feldman, which has to be the stupidest cat name ever but that’s kids for you. (We have another cat that was named Annabelle, until his penis poked out to say hello one day when I was cutting burs off his tail. Now his name is Anna-boy so that could possibly be the next stupidest cat name.) Anyway, Feldman didn’t die and she very slowly began to gain weight and play.
Feldman turned into the most annoying cat with the stupidest name in the world.
She’s an attention *whore*. She follows you from room to room, on your heels. Meowing. And if you go in the kitchen, you had better have a bite of something to give her or she will scold you up one side and down the other. (I think once an animal has starved, they never quite lose that. She goes psycho over any food.) If you sit, she’s in your lap. If you go in a room and shut her out, she’s scratching at the door or poking her lil paws under the door jam. When you pet her she goes insane trying to get you to pet every single inch of her all at the same time, rolling and flopping in your arms until she literally rolls herself onto the floor.. and then glares back up at you like it’s your fault. If you don’t pet her, she bumps her head into your hand. Repeatedly. Until you do. She’s very persistent. If you’ve gone too long without sitting down and doting on her, she’ll jump on you. On your back. Or climb up your leg. Just a nice painful clawed out “helloooo..have you forgotten to LOVE me?” reminder.
She purrs so desperately that she squeaks. She walks across the keyboard, flops down in front of the monitor or plows her head into my hand when I’m typing. I repeatedly put her down on the floor and I’ve not even straightened up and she’s already jumping back up. I stick her in the chair behind me and she squirms and sneaks her way back into my lap. The only way to get rid of her is to 1) Put food in another room, something hard to eat, like beef jerky, 2) Plop her in someone else’s lap and make them pet her, 3) Entice her into going outside and quick shut the door. Then she’ll perch on the back of the porch bench and meow in the living room window.
I spend a lot of time saying things like “god dammit Feldman would you MOVE!” or “Owww Feldman!” as I’m plucking her claws out of my shoulder blade.
Of course when one of us is in the mood to snuggle up and listen to the motor boat that is her and get a lovely, though slightly prickly massage, Feldman is the cat we want. When she plays, she plays hard and it’s lots of fun. She’s quick and meaner than a snake and makes the funniest noises.
But tonight, as I plucked her off my lap for the 8,275,762 time, with a curt “leave me alone!” and she was turned around and poised to jump right back on my lap before her fourth foot was on the floor, I said “you are just like me!”
And then I had to sit and think about that. And it’s true! Feldman is me with a tail and fur.
Let’s compare…:) (I’m alone and bored so yay for you!) Let’s take this post and rewrite it.;
“She’s an attention *whore*.” Check.
“She follows Master from room to room, on His heels. Whining.” Check.
“And if He goes into the toybox or bedroom, He had better have something to give her or she will bitch.” Check.
“If He sits, she’s in His lap.” Check.
“If He goes in a room and shuts her out, she’s scratching at the door or poking her lil fingers under the door jam.” Check.
“When He pets her she goes insane trying to get Him to pet every single inch of her all at the same time, rolling and flopping in His arms until she literally rolls herself onto the floor.. and then glares back up at Him like it’s His fault.” Check.
“If He doesn’t pet her, she bumps her head into His hand. Repeatedly. Until He has to swat her. She’s very persistent.” Check.
“If He’s gone too long without sitting down and doting on her, she’ll jump on Him. Just a nice bitchy whiney“helloooo..have you forgotten to LOVE me?” reminder.” Check.
“She purrs so desperately that she squeaks.” Check.
She walks across the keyboard(almost), flops down in front of the monitor(almost) or plows her head into His hand when He’s online.” Check.
“He repeatedly puts her down on the floor and He’s not even straightened up and she’s already jumping back up.” Check.
“He sticks her in the corner and she squirms and sneaks her way back into His lap.” Check.
“The only way to get rid of her is to 1) Put her in the closet, 2) Plop her in front of a chore and make her do it, 3) Stick His cock in her mouth. Then she’ll just beg to be fucked.” Check.
“He spends a lot of time saying things like “god dammit kaya would you HUSH!” or “NOWW kaya!” as He’s trying to do something.
Of course when He is in the mood to tie her up and listen to the masochist that is her and have a lovely play session, kaya is the girl He wants. When she plays, she plays hard and it’s lots of fun. She’s quick and hornier than a two-peckered billy goat and makes the funniest noises.”
I just do not know what to do with this knowledge.
Tags: humor
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Thursday January 12th, 2006 12:30am
Omg, tff. Around here, her name is Kimble. She is quite possibly the world’s smallest cat – we always think she’s a normal size, just petite, until we see another cat. Then we realize how tiny she is. She came to us after being trapped inside a cabinet shop for a couple of days, being terrorized by the resident shopcat. She was a runt, totally feral, and for the first month she lived with us, we never even actually saw her (that’s where the name came from – we named her after the t.v show “The Fugitive” because she was always ducking and running. Plus, we had nfc what sex she was, so we figured it would work either way.)
She is the Emperor’s baby through and through … and she and I pretty much hate each other. What else did I expect? Two black-haired Queens ( I laughed sooo hard when I found out female cats are queens), both totally in love with the Emperor, both always fighting for His attention. She’s even been known to pee on my side of the bed. She’s eee-vul, I tell you.
I have to laugh, though, when the Imp is in His chair, with a tuxedo kitten at each side – and she and I just glare at each other from across His lap. She thinks she owns Him … but I know better.
He owns us.
lmfao… she pees on your bed..lol.. umm.. you might want to consider giving up and letting her be the queen, she’s got the upper hand here. What can you do back? Pee in her litter box?
Ohh… *perk*
I can imagine how your sweet blue eyes turned all wicked as you had that thought … lol you just want me to share the litter box misery. I would say you are as eee-vul as she is .. but you’ve never peed on my sheets. Well …. not yet.
lolololol
oh well…there’s nothing as sexy as naughty kittens-like ladies! meow
schiava – http://schiava.blogspot.com
And Master does like His pussies.. *grins*
Feldman-er, I mean kaya,
Too damn funny. Bet you’ll never look at the cat the same way again.
Another cat story… Before I moved in with M, He told me I could get a cat. After I moved in, He swore He never said any such thing. Grrr. I asked and asked and He wouldn’t allow it. The one day I stopped by the local Petco with my daughter and His daughter, and they had a no-kill shelter there trying to get their kitties adopted, for the low, low fee of $7. We fell in love with a little grey and white tuxedo-like cat. I knew if I called and asked M He would say no. So I did a bad, bad thing. We took the kitten home. His daughter walked in holding the kitten (my daughter stayed in the car, waiting for M to explode) and I asked if we could keep it. SO BAD. He was so pissed, because He couldn’t say no without feeling like a total butt. I was a bad, manipulative slave. I’m ashamed. But it’s been 5 years or so and Darwin (another stupid cat name) has proven his worth by killing mice in the house (M found the first mouse corpse by stepping on it barefoot. LMAO).
Enough babbling.
Hugs,
sk
Oh yeah. I haven’t done anything this blatantly defiant since. I know better now!
See.. every time I feel like I’ve been a bad girl I’m going to come and read this. You were BAD! Did He whoop ya huh did He?
Darwin..lol.. too cute.
my cat’s name is demon — very aptly named. he’s the cutest cat i’ve ever seen, with this little pink nose that just SCREAMS “innocent.” until you walk past whatever furniture he’s hiding under and he flays your ankle. or until he investigates the keyboard and somehow the post you were typing is no longer there. or its 4 in the morning and he’s standing on your chest trying to suckle your nose because when he’s awake, you should be too.
sometimes i don’t know why i own a cat. i guess its cause he’s cute.
and litter boxes are evil. it was hard to explain why i owned a litter box before i owned a cat. ayep. that was awkward.
maybe that’s why i own a cat.
~ jade
“it was hard to explain why i owned a litter box before i owned a cat. ayep. that was awkward”
lmfao.. I bet it was. Oh man.. I can’t stop giggling.
Feldman
I could laugh and cry with this post.
“She purrs so desperately that she squeaks.” Check.
Perfect. The kitty analogy is just simply perfect. I knew there was some reason that I am a cat person.
Cheers,
poiesia
Re: Feldman
Thanks… it really was a reality check. I AM that needy and if Feldman drives me insane, what am I doing to Master??
I don’t know that I’m going to change or anything..lol.. but at least I’m aware of how annoying I am..;)