Comments on: “Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it” http://underhishand.com/every-time-i-find-the-meaning-of-life-they-change-it The trials and tribulations of my life as a slave. Sun, 12 Feb 2012 07:08:28 +0000 hourly 1 http://wordpress.org/?v=3.2.1 By: Jen http://underhishand.com/every-time-i-find-the-meaning-of-life-they-change-it#comment-13524 Jen Thu, 21 May 2009 16:39:13 +0000 http://underhishand.com/?p=2221#comment-13524 I know this is old, but that was fucking beautiful. I know how you feel. I know this is old, but that was fucking beautiful. I know how you feel.

]]> By: junebug http://underhishand.com/every-time-i-find-the-meaning-of-life-they-change-it#comment-9024 junebug Mon, 08 Dec 2008 19:05:20 +0000 http://underhishand.com/?p=2221#comment-9024 Wow, you've gotten a lot of advice, a lot of hugs, and a lot of support going on here. Good for you! This is just my 2 cents, not meant as advice, I'm just sharing with you. The rub I've had to face when trying to balance my lifestyle choices with my family is that this is my choice, not theirs. As with you, my daughter did not choose to have a man come into her life (D/s, M/s or vanilla) and dominate her. She never said, "I'll be ok with Mom giving up all of her decisions and not having her own opinions anymore." When raising teenage girls, this is especially problematic because I want my daughter to grow into a healthy, self-sufficient woman while at the same time watching me submit and go along with things because I'm told. Our kids aren't dumb. No matter the face I wear or how much I try to be a good, happy submissive, my girl can tell when I don't agree with one of his decisions and it's a tough place to be. Last year Sir made a decision and told me I had to let her go because she couldn't live with us becaue of her behavior. I accepted his decision and we sent her away. Without a doubt, it was the worst decision I ever agreed to and Sir and I realized it was a decision I couldn't (was unwilling)to live with. All it took was that situation to change everything - I told him that I'm 43 years old and it was time for me to quit playing house, put my big girl panties on, grow up and take responsibilty for my daughter. In that one instance, I realized that as much as I wanted to be a submissive and beleive I had given my will up - I COULD NOT or, more appropriately, WOULD NOT turn my back on my girl - I still had my own will, it had just been tucked neatly away (it was waiting to rear its ugly head and I think while my will was hybernating it was gaining in strength). We worked through it and now things are different. We still have a kinky sex life and are D/s(really severe D/s) but I do have limits - I will not force my daughter to accept a lifestyle she didn't ask for. Sir has made compromises and will continue to even though he doesn't always agree with my approach. So, I found out that in our "no limits" relationship, I have limits. Through all of this, I lost something and I gained something. I love my daughter, I love my husband and I love him being my Sir. BUT, at the end of the day, I am a grown woman, and as much as I want to, I'm not a slave in the most technical sense. It's just too bad that sometimes we have to sneak out of our comfortable little shell and take a stand against someone so important and powerful in our lives. I know how much it hurts and I'm sorry you are going through this. I wish I had a crystal ball and could tell you all the wonderful things that are going to happen in your life. I wish you and yours the absolute best! ~big hugs~ junebug Wow, you’ve gotten a lot of advice, a lot of hugs, and a lot of support going on here. Good for you!

This is just my 2 cents, not meant as advice, I’m just sharing with you. The rub I’ve had to face when trying to balance my lifestyle choices with my family is that this is my choice, not theirs. As with you, my daughter did not choose to have a man come into her life (D/s, M/s or vanilla) and dominate her. She never said, “I’ll be ok with Mom giving up all of her decisions and not having her own opinions anymore.” When raising teenage girls, this is especially problematic because I want my daughter to grow into a healthy, self-sufficient woman while at the same time watching me submit and go along with things because I’m told.

Our kids aren’t dumb. No matter the face I wear or how much I try to be a good, happy submissive, my girl can tell when I don’t agree with one of his decisions and it’s a tough place to be. Last year Sir made a decision and told me I had to let her go because she couldn’t live with us becaue of her behavior. I accepted his decision and we sent her away. Without a doubt, it was the worst decision I ever agreed to and Sir and I realized it was a decision I couldn’t (was unwilling)to live with.

All it took was that situation to change everything – I told him that I’m 43 years old and it was time for me to quit playing house, put my big girl panties on, grow up and take responsibilty for my daughter. In that one instance, I realized that as much as I wanted to be a submissive and beleive I had given my will up – I COULD NOT or, more appropriately, WOULD NOT turn my back on my girl – I still had my own will, it had just been tucked neatly away (it was waiting to rear its ugly head and I think while my will was hybernating it was gaining in strength).

We worked through it and now things are different. We still have a kinky sex life and are D/s(really severe D/s) but I do have limits – I will not force my daughter to accept a lifestyle she didn’t ask for. Sir has made compromises and will continue to even though he doesn’t always agree with my approach.

So, I found out that in our “no limits” relationship, I have limits. Through all of this, I lost something and I gained something. I love my daughter, I love my husband and I love him being my Sir. BUT, at the end of the day, I am a grown woman, and as much as I want to, I’m not a slave in the most technical sense.

It’s just too bad that sometimes we have to sneak out of our comfortable little shell and take a stand against someone so important and powerful in our lives. I know how much it hurts and I’m sorry you are going through this.

I wish I had a crystal ball and could tell you all the wonderful things that are going to happen in your life. I wish you and yours the absolute best!

~big hugs~
junebug

]]> By: Master's ~melly http://underhishand.com/every-time-i-find-the-meaning-of-life-they-change-it#comment-8991 Master's ~melly Mon, 08 Dec 2008 06:55:18 +0000 http://underhishand.com/?p=2221#comment-8991 you know, i used to think, "oh, i cna't be a slave, i could never give up my friend J if He told me to." and i realized something. i gave Master all of me that i could give Him. i really did. J is my friend, has been my lover, my confidante, my roommate, my partner in many definitions. but she knows there is somethign Master gives me that she can't. she has a baby now, and a partner of her own, and they live several hours away. but, a part of me is hers. it belongs to her. and i can't give that part of me to Master because it doesn't belong to me! it belongs to her. i have always belived that if one has children, part of you belongs to them. you can't just give that part to someone else. it doesn't belong to you anymore. it belongs to them. i just wonder where you seem to have gotten this idea that just because you came across a line means that everything else, in it's entirety, has to stop? why do you have to stop doing things that He asks? why do you have to stop asking permission? you know, ANYTIME two people are together, the relationship they have is what they build. it's an "illusion" (since that seems to be the word of the day) regardless! the monogamy of standard marriage is an illusion. consentual M/s is an illusion. love is not. caring is not. getting pleasure and comfort from serving or suffering, or from being served or exerting control inside YOUR relationship is not an illusion. it's fact. i know a good friend who said, "the only people who have no limits are the ones who haven't found them yet." and i think that's totally true. do i have limits, in the purest sense of the word? sure! absolutely! do i say my relationship with Master is invalid, and they obedience to Him is null and void because i have things i can't do? nope. i accept that, and so does He. you're a good cookie, Tess. really. and i know the two of you are going through some restructuring. that's cool! relationships DO change, as many others have said, and that is REALLY REALLY OK. i can't tell you how much my relationship with Master has changed. it's not bad. it's just different. and different is foreign, and unknown, and unknown is scary. that's fine too. babe, seriously, ou're doing great.yeah, question yourself. question your relationship, and question your motives. but also, be really really HONEST with yourself about what you want, and what you're doing. don't give up what you like because suddenly it doens't seem to fit with what you don't have anymore. so you don't have a super-extreme, absolutely no limits M/s dynamic, so sayeth the community. so what? make his coffee anyhow. if he wants to take you, he can do that anyhow. not His place? why not? isn't He your partner, and aren't you the chick who likes to get taken? then it IS his place. it's whatever place the two of you decide is good. my advice?: consider what you two Do enjoy. consider what you CAN do. don't exclude anything, sexual, emotional, intimate, public, whatever, just because it was in a previous set. anything can fit in more than one bag. *loves* you know, i used to think, “oh, i cna’t be a slave, i could never give up my friend J if He told me to.” and i realized something. i gave Master all of me that i could give Him. i really did. J is my friend, has been my lover, my confidante, my roommate, my partner in many definitions. but she knows there is somethign Master gives me that she can’t. she has a baby now, and a partner of her own, and they live several hours away. but, a part of me is hers. it belongs to her. and i can’t give that part of me to Master because it doesn’t belong to me! it belongs to her.

i have always belived that if one has children, part of you belongs to them. you can’t just give that part to someone else. it doesn’t belong to you anymore. it belongs to them.

i just wonder where you seem to have gotten this idea that just because you came across a line means that everything else, in it’s entirety, has to stop? why do you have to stop doing things that He asks? why do you have to stop asking permission? you know, ANYTIME two people are together, the relationship they have is what they build. it’s an “illusion” (since that seems to be the word of the day) regardless! the monogamy of standard marriage is an illusion. consentual M/s is an illusion. love is not. caring is not. getting pleasure and comfort from serving or suffering, or from being served or exerting control inside YOUR relationship is not an illusion. it’s fact.

i know a good friend who said, “the only people who have no limits are the ones who haven’t found them yet.” and i think that’s totally true.

do i have limits, in the purest sense of the word? sure! absolutely! do i say my relationship with Master is invalid, and they obedience to Him is null and void because i have things i can’t do? nope. i accept that, and so does He. you’re a good cookie, Tess. really. and i know the two of you are going through some restructuring. that’s cool! relationships DO change, as many others have said, and that is REALLY REALLY OK.

i can’t tell you how much my relationship with Master has changed. it’s not bad. it’s just different. and different is foreign, and unknown, and unknown is scary. that’s fine too. babe, seriously, ou’re doing great.yeah, question yourself. question your relationship, and question your motives. but also, be really really HONEST with yourself about what you want, and what you’re doing. don’t give up what you like because suddenly it doens’t seem to fit with what you don’t have anymore. so you don’t have a super-extreme, absolutely no limits M/s dynamic, so sayeth the community. so what? make his coffee anyhow. if he wants to take you, he can do that anyhow. not His place? why not? isn’t He your partner, and aren’t you the chick who likes to get taken? then it IS his place. it’s whatever place the two of you decide is good.

my advice?: consider what you two Do enjoy. consider what you CAN do. don’t exclude anything, sexual, emotional, intimate, public, whatever, just because it was in a previous set. anything can fit in more than one bag.

*loves*

]]> By: SirDuke http://underhishand.com/every-time-i-find-the-meaning-of-life-they-change-it#comment-8986 SirDuke Mon, 08 Dec 2008 01:49:31 +0000 http://underhishand.com/?p=2221#comment-8986 Hi girl I have thought about you and Scott all though this and as I see it you both have come to a time that you both need each other more then ever. I think that you have both have come to a point that needs to be talked about not sweeped under the carpet, so talk and talk some more and don t let this break u two up. That sead, don t back down to yours or his beleaves just work them out It may take a long time but the right one will come. Just don t do something you or him can t redo.Nothing final! I not a great writer like you but I hope that made sence. SirDuke Hi girl I have thought about you and Scott all though this and as I see it you both have come to a time that you both need each other more then ever. I think that you have both have come to a point that needs to be talked about not sweeped under the carpet, so talk and talk some more and don t let this break u two up.

That sead, don t back down to yours or his beleaves just work them out It may take a long time but the right one will come.

Just don t do something you or him can t redo.Nothing final!

I not a great writer like you but I hope that made sence.

SirDuke

]]> By: Dana http://underhishand.com/every-time-i-find-the-meaning-of-life-they-change-it#comment-8962 Dana Sun, 07 Dec 2008 07:13:20 +0000 http://underhishand.com/?p=2221#comment-8962 Those of us who have been owned and then suddenly no longer are...we fade into the background, because no one wants to talk about THAT in a D/s forum. Many of us, I dare say, feel like failures. It's taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that just because I'm not an owned slave, doesn't mean I *failed* at being a slave. You've made it clear, over the months and years that I've been reading you, that there is something more than D/s holding you and Scott together. Of course the Master/slave relationship was a huge part of your dynamic, and there's nothing that says it can't continue to be. But that's not all that your marriage and your relationship is based on, even if the "other stuff" may have taken a backseat. To some extent, D/s is an illusion that works because we believe in it. But the ingrained habits, the brainwashing and the self-policing, are very real -- evident in the fact that you still want to call him Master, still ask permission for things, etc. It takes a tremendous amount of time and energy and investment to change behaviors and thought patterns, and it's your decision as to whether they're worth changing at all. *hug* Those of us who have been owned and then suddenly no longer are…we fade into the background, because no one wants to talk about THAT in a D/s forum. Many of us, I dare say, feel like failures. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that just because I’m not an owned slave, doesn’t mean I *failed* at being a slave.

You’ve made it clear, over the months and years that I’ve been reading you, that there is something more than D/s holding you and Scott together. Of course the Master/slave relationship was a huge part of your dynamic, and there’s nothing that says it can’t continue to be. But that’s not all that your marriage and your relationship is based on, even if the “other stuff” may have taken a backseat.

To some extent, D/s is an illusion that works because we believe in it. But the ingrained habits, the brainwashing and the self-policing, are very real — evident in the fact that you still want to call him Master, still ask permission for things, etc. It takes a tremendous amount of time and energy and investment to change behaviors and thought patterns, and it’s your decision as to whether they’re worth changing at all.

*hug*

]]> By: oatmeal girl http://underhishand.com/every-time-i-find-the-meaning-of-life-they-change-it#comment-8958 oatmeal girl Sun, 07 Dec 2008 01:01:27 +0000 http://underhishand.com/?p=2221#comment-8958 I had this nice long comment all planned out and then read yours, Zille, and saw that you'd already said it all and more. So I'll just reiterate that ALL relationships change over time, and that not letting them adjust to changes in us and our experiences and circumstances is unrealistic and ultimately self-defeating. As for the problem with what to call each other, that too will evolve. When the philosopher and I broke up, he stopped calling me kitten. It's all he'd ever called me. I found it very painful, and when it turned out it was hard for him, too, we said the hell with it and I'm kitten again. Which gets back to doing whatever feels right for YOUR relationship, based on YOUR rules, at any given time. I had this nice long comment all planned out and then read yours, Zille, and saw that you’d already said it all and more. So I’ll just reiterate that ALL relationships change over time, and that not letting them adjust to changes in us and our experiences and circumstances is unrealistic and ultimately self-defeating.

As for the problem with what to call each other, that too will evolve. When the philosopher and I broke up, he stopped calling me kitten. It’s all he’d ever called me. I found it very painful, and when it turned out it was hard for him, too, we said the hell with it and I’m kitten again. Which gets back to doing whatever feels right for YOUR relationship, based on YOUR rules, at any given time.

]]> By: Andaray http://underhishand.com/every-time-i-find-the-meaning-of-life-they-change-it#comment-8957 Andaray Sat, 06 Dec 2008 23:49:14 +0000 http://underhishand.com/?p=2221#comment-8957 Tess, I must admit, I haven't kept as close to your journal as I should. Master has though. I don't really have words of my own, other than I'm sorry. I'd also say there is lots of great advise above . . . even vanilla comments of encouragement! I really hope everything happens the way it needs to. Don't forget you DO have lots of friends here; people who have grown to love you for YOU . . . . Hugs, bev Tess,

I must admit, I haven’t kept as close to your journal as I should. Master has though. I don’t really have words of my own, other than I’m sorry. I’d also say there is lots of great advise above . . . even vanilla comments of encouragement!

I really hope everything happens the way it needs to. Don’t forget you DO have lots of friends here; people who have grown to love you for YOU . . . .

Hugs, bev

]]> By: Anonymous http://underhishand.com/every-time-i-find-the-meaning-of-life-they-change-it#comment-8956 Anonymous Sat, 06 Dec 2008 21:18:06 +0000 http://underhishand.com/?p=2221#comment-8956 Hi, Tess, i lurk alot, not commenting often, but i have been thinking of you. You have more friends here than you know :) Hi, Tess,
i lurk alot, not commenting often, but i have been thinking of you.
You have more friends here than you know :)

]]> By: Anonymous http://underhishand.com/every-time-i-find-the-meaning-of-life-they-change-it#comment-8955 Anonymous Sat, 06 Dec 2008 19:07:25 +0000 http://underhishand.com/?p=2221#comment-8955 Dear Ms. Tess, I have lurked here for longer than I care to admit. This is what I think - many of us are hard-wired for submission. We just are. It's a part of some human survival mechanism or because our mother's made us eat peas or who knows why else. But we are driven in our very cells for it. Here's the other part - we also have a human hard-wired need to be free. There is no enslaved people that accepted its lot. It's in the genes. And in the end, that human characteristic, the need to be a free individual, overwhelms our drive to submit. The good news. You can be sexually submissive without being a slave forever. you can also love your husband and try to please him without obeying him. And he can be a dominant force in your life without owning you. I have loved watching this develop and I appreciate greately your willingness to let us all into your life. Thank you for your honesty. Best wishes for happiness to you and your family. Dear Ms. Tess,
I have lurked here for longer than I care to admit. This is what I think – many of us are hard-wired for submission. We just are. It’s a part of some human survival mechanism or because our mother’s made us eat peas or who knows why else. But we are driven in our very cells for it.

Here’s the other part – we also have a human hard-wired need to be free. There is no enslaved people that accepted its lot. It’s in the genes. And in the end, that human characteristic, the need to be a free individual, overwhelms our drive to submit.

The good news. You can be sexually submissive without being a slave forever. you can also love your husband and try to please him without obeying him. And he can be a dominant force in your life without owning you.

I have loved watching this develop and I appreciate greately your willingness to let us all into your life. Thank you for your honesty.

Best wishes for happiness to you and your family.

]]> By: zari http://underhishand.com/every-time-i-find-the-meaning-of-life-they-change-it#comment-8954 zari Sat, 06 Dec 2008 17:44:04 +0000 http://underhishand.com/?p=2221#comment-8954 Over the past few days I have read n' parts of me have an idea of what is not being said. It's something you said about the ropes n' who was hanging off them. I guess part of that is the mother in me going "Yep I know the feeling." However I can't be sure as to what is the problem completely and assuming only makes me look like an utter ass. What I can say is that I do know how you are feeling. I know that feeling of reaching out yet stopping just short. It's more painful than just walking away. I can't offer much but I have you in my thoughts and offer a shoulder or ear from someone on the outside. Hugs Over the past few days I have read n’ parts of me have an idea of what is not being said. It’s something you said about the ropes n’ who was hanging off them.

I guess part of that is the mother in me going “Yep I know the feeling.”

However I can’t be sure as to what is the problem completely and assuming only makes me look like an utter ass. What I can say is that I do know how you are feeling. I know that feeling of reaching out yet stopping just short. It’s more painful than just walking away.

I can’t offer much but I have you in my thoughts and offer a shoulder or ear from someone on the outside.

Hugs

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