“Every time I find the meaning of life, they change it”
I was just thinking about how quickly it happened.
On November 25th I was still quite happily entrenched in being a slave, being controlled, being.. me. Had anyone even suggested that I wasn’t perfectly content I’d have laughed in their face.
On November 26th I felt like I was being smothered in a wet blanket and I threw it off with rather shocking ease.
I’m thinking that internal enslavement, the brainwashing, the inability to leave, the destroying and recreating – it’s all smoke and mirrors. It feels real and convincing right up until the very second you don’t want it anymore. And then all of that careful conditioning? Nothing but an illusion, only workable because you believed in it.
Now I feel like I was duped. Or something. Not by Master**, not even really by myself. Maybe not by any one person so much as by the elusive “community”. The ideal that it presents. How easily one is led to believe in the illusion.
Like all those infomercials about weight loss pills.
Just take this pill and you’ll be model-beautiful in just 6 easy weeks! So you sign up for 3 easy payments of $29.99 and you take your pills faithfully, like a good little bee. Somebody says to you, hey, yanno if you wouldn’t eat a dozen Krispie Kreams for breakfast, you might lose weight! and you shake your head and hold up your magic pills. Someone else suggests moving your fat ass off the couch and getting a bit of exercise but you confidently wave your pill bottle in their face. You point at the infomercial which doesn’t even suggest diet and exercise. You pop a pill and prop up your feet and wait for the results that you were led to believe you’d get.
And 6 weeks later you’ve gained 5lbs. You were duped. By stupidity or blindness or laziness or just because you wanted it so bad.
How damn often we, a collective community “we”, through prose and gifted writing, through cheesy poetry and heated debates, through an unwillingness to show a crack in the facade, we create beauty and bliss. We create a Utopia that doesn’t fucking exist.
Where is the Dystopia version of M/s? Where are the ones facing what happens when “just shut up and do it” isn’t applicable? What happens when your individual needs, one neither more right nor wrong than the other, clash so hard and so strong?
Why, gee, I think I have it right here!
I have a really strong urge to hide. Go figure, right? No wonder you are never presented with the end of Utopia. Those people don’t splatter it all over the place. They gather up what’s left of their pride and get the fuck out of dodge.
I really think there is something on the other side of this though. It may be an extremely ugly road to pass but I don’t think I’m at the end of it by any means. I think what we had was a carefully crafted illusion and that’s a bitter pill to swallow. I think there was a lot of pressure to maintain that ideal.
But I think what we WILL have won’t be. Because now, there’s nothing to save face over. Does that make sense?
~~*~~
It’s been an interesting few days around here, as I’m sure you can imagine. There is SO MUCH to figure out; the logistics of this are mindboggling. And so much, still, is out of my control, and out of his. The economy, uncertainty of the real estate market, employment viability, there are contracts signed, and not mythical M/s ones, but real ones, legal ones, ones that actually honestly and for real can’t be broken without dire consequences.
And in the middle of it, the two of us sit. Unsure and tentative. Both hurting, both wanting, and both wounded. Feeling too vulnerable to make a move.
We love each other though, you know? I mean, it’s undeniable. I can’t stop my hand from snaking over to his when we’re in the car. He can’t not reach out for me when he passes me in the hall. We tried sleeping apart and neither of us slept for shit. Now we spoon and we cuddle, and we sleep well, but our hands stop just short of touching where it’s suddenly private.
And isn’t that a doorknob to choke on.
We’ve talked a couple of times about having sex. Quiet little whispers in the dark. Do you want to? Do YOU? I do, but do you? I do – but I’m scared.
And I am. I don’t know how to do it without…. I don’t know. Without the power exchange, without being the submissive partner. And I think he’s unsure, too, of what position to take. Too dominant, too forceful and will it scare me, push me away? Too far the other way and it’ll fall flat, spoil it, make it even harder to do it again.
I’m very much aware that we’re making this far more difficult than it should be. Why shouldn’t we have sex, make love, or even fuck? We’re married, we’re not *quitting* each other or moving on to different relationships. We’re not divorcing. We still want each other.
The other morning, he sat up on the side of the bed and said, “I almost took you this morning.” and my heart thumped. His voice so quiet, so… sad.
“Why didn’t you?”
“It’s not my place anymore.”
I said nothing.
Navigating these waters is difficult. In some moments I’m almost giddy with power, and other moments, like each time I walk into the bathroom, I have a pang of longing that reaches my toes. I catch myself asking for permission for things, tripping over words and flushing with embarrassment just as often as he’s stumbled over issuing orders, or issued it, shook his head and then just gotten up to do it himself. Or added on a “please, if you wouldn’t mind, when you have time, would you do this for me, cu- I mean, Tess.”
It’s sad and it’s painful yet it’s funny, when we can laugh at ourselves. But only once did I try to playfully answer back “Nope. I don’t have to do that anymore! Ha.” because the look that crossed his face – I hurt him. And I won’t, can’t, go there.
~~*~~
I’ll be looking for a job starting next week. And then I’ll be checking into schools and such. The move was going to take place first but because of the aforemention important details that don’t really care what problems are occuring within my relationship, the move is pushed back a bit. So, that’s okay, as it’s only changed the order of things.
But if I don’t do something soon, if I don’t make a move to establish some undeniable independence, I can feel that we’d drift right back into the relationship that we had. His dominant nature will resume control and my submissive nature will resume submitting, and pretty soon, 6 months from now, probably without any real thought to it, we’d be right back where we started.
~~*~~
Some time ago, we were invited to a play party, one that we were both looking forward to. After last week, we’d both agreed we shouldn’t go. But last night, we acknowledged that we’re still kinky freaks, regardless of what title we don. And we should go where we can mingle among freaky friends and try this shiny new relationship dynamic on for size.
I don’t know exactly what that relationship dynamic IS.
I wonder if I could talk him into bottoming seeing as how we’re changing things up so much. I mean, really, I’d be nice (cough). I’ve a few experiences I’d like to share with him. A few…. favors…. to return.
;-)
~Tess
** I’ve tried to stop my brain and my mouth from calling him Master and it’s just not working. Probably I will switch back and forth, using whatever name makes me feel comfortable in the moment. I apologize for the confusion but, frankly, right now I’m not up for forcing any more change upon my person.
Tags: breakup, illusion, reflection, sad
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Friday December 5th, 2008 8:51am
for what it is worth, we lurk in the back round a lot, and don’t always make our presence known thru postings, but the past few days have really hit home with us.
carla and I have travelled down the same path, and I am not sure if it is because we have grown older, but wwe have found that our sex life has grown more vanilla recently. We can’t trully explain it, its just “happenned”, and while parts of us are kind of embarrassed by the revelation, we are both coming to realize that just maybe, it is our way of keeping things fresh? and new? and that said, we will slip out quietly thru the same portal we entered thru, and hope to soon again be fucking like bunnies, whatever the position or attitude!
*hugs*
*hugs you because some of the things in here made me cry and i can only imagine the things you feel in any given day*
Tess;
You are a great blogger, have a great sense of humour and have an exceptionally good talent for writing and so I wish you every success.
Now I have no idea what has gone on between you and Master/Scott but reading your last postings I will tell you what I would say to your face if you were in the bar with me. (I am a Brit, living abroad, and the bar to us – maybe not to you or other US nationals – is where we speak, form the world rectification committee and generally talk things through).
SO:
You both love each other – seems obvious to me.
Your kids seem to be OK in your present relationship.
You both seem to like the same things.
And so it goes on.
Personnally I do not care if you become Mater/Slave ever again or form another relationship but have a word with yourself! You have seemed to be happy over the past months with your partner so why not stick with it and see it through and work something out! From what you have said you both seem to to still love each other a lot.
I am sorry if this is not the usual “Hugs”, “Love you lots”, “thinking of you” type of comment but I do believe that if you have something in your life worth fighting for you (one) should fight for it.
McC
There are things going on with Tess, Scott, and the kids that she’s not writing about, and I don’t blame her. We’re not privy to the internal workings of her family. They came to an impasse.
I was in this kind of situation (sans kids) with my Master in June. We had split over something and we would reach out to touch each other, wanting the intimacy of the touch only lovers share, but we stopped short, unsure of what we SHOULD do given the situation. I think it hurts more than if the other person were suddenly not there. It affected me very negatively, and Master even worse. I understand where she is coming from.
We’ll see what happens. I wish her all the best.
Huggggsss to you Tess…let me know if there’s anything i can do to help.
“I think what we had was a carefully crafted illusion and that’s a bitter pill to swallow. I think there was a lot of pressure to maintain that ideal.
But I think what we WILL have won’t be. Because now, there’s nothing to save face over. Does that make sense?”
It makes perfect sense to me. I agree that what you will have won’t be the illusion, and I also think that what you will have won’t have the pressure with–but the transition from “will have” to “have” is gonna be rough just due to all of the changing.
I don’t think you two are making it more difficult than it should be–I think it IS difficult, and you’re both doing the best you can. It’s going to take a long time to break habits, especially habits that have been in place for years.
“6 months from now, probably without any real thought to it, we’d be right back where we started.”
~ Would that be so bad, really? So.. you have a limit. Okay. Most everyone who has been where you’ve gone have found they had one. The people who talk about IE like it’s a done thing, just haven’t been there yet (imho).
Maybe you just need to redefine the relationship (once its not too painful to do so), and be okay with the fact that you DO have a limit?
We’ve been there, and things are much stronger and more realistic now then they were before we had the breakdown.
*hugs*
Trying to post each time just to remind you that someone cares so I might not always be brilliant. I know nothing about D/S, M/S, even if that is the correct abbrev., but I know that no one can hurt you like your partner and vice versa – especially if you care and it’s nobody’s fault. The other thing I’ve learned over 32 years is that you do have to throw out the “shoulds” and take time to find your way. You’ve thrown out the shoulds of the old relationship – are you both causing yourselves even more pain by setting up a whole new set of shoulds you just made up? It will take time to find your way to your new relationship, whatever you want that that to be, but with the love and respect you say you have for each other, and the desire to continue the marriage, you will form a new one worth having. Hold on, have faith, it’s coming to you in it’s own time.
I have a quote around here somewhere about grief. It essentially says to handle grief your job is to get out of the way and let it happen, not to try to hurry it along, or wish it away, or cover it up, but accept it through you as it goes on it’s way in it’s own time. You are both grieving, allow that. We will care about you while you do.
Tess,
I have only the words that you have written to go by, therefore much of this may be mute.
It seems that despite whatever happened, the two of you still love each other. In my opinion your relationship is as strong as it ever was. I base that observation in that there is no venom in your posts. I have the feeling that opening up communication between the two of you on a soul level will help in the navigation of these waters. Even though for the last 6 years those channels have been mutated in ways, does not mean that the two of you can not talk as equals in the here and now.
Many Blessings
FG
I am a long-time lurker, and just returned to see these new developments, after the holiday weekend. I felt that I had to say something, even if it’s not really anything new.
You’ve always struck me as a woman who is well in tune with what she wants and needs, and I hope that these changes in your life with Scott work out well.
I’m so sorry for the suffering both of you have undoubtedly been through, and I will keep you both in my thoughts and prayers.
I really hope to see you blogging along this new journey.
I’ll keep sending happy thoughts for all of you…
Hugs…
It’s not an illusion honey. Even fantasy can be very very real. Limits are called limits for a reason. It’s about being realistic about our limits and sometimes, sometimes there really isn’t any way to know that a limit exists. If it weren’t for your kids, I doubt that you’d ever have tripped over a limit. Are we complicit in creating the fantasy to the point where it becomes real? Yes. I’m not there yet…but you…you’ve lived as close to it as it gets…with children. I don’t believe that it would have been possible, even with your consent to over ride that little part in brain that’s “mommy”. Without some serious breakdown/rebuilding type conditioning, there isn’t much in this world that can override a mothers protection of her children. Not that you need to “protect” them from him, but you do need to do what you think is right and best for them.
And limits go the other way too. I laugh every time I see a conversation over on fetlife about a sub lying, or a master having all his “stuff” together before he can master another. It’s all crap until you come right up against it.
Thank you, xfyresprytex. I was just about to post something just like this.
Tess, my friend, you are negating the past because you’re hurting and confused in the present — so casting the past in a different light seems to make that easier. But, sadly, it’s also causing more pain than you need to be going through.
You and S. had a wonderful and simply amazing relationship for as long as I’ve known you. You were not just playing, not just living in a bubble. Every time you had to put him first, deny yourself, accept pain or whatever else from him, you were making it real — as “real” as it can be when it’s a consensual relationship, and you are living in the US, not somewhere where you as a woman have no rights, and can be bought, sold, or used however a man likes.
It was a lovely fantasy, and there were times when I was very jealous of you! ;) And you made it work despite how this world seems to want to tear apart relationships like that. You should look back on it and be proud of both of yourselves, and happy with the years of mutual pleasure you were able to maintain despite having to deal with exes, and kids, and parents, and jobs, and everything.
The two of you, working together, both made it real, as real as could be. Don’t deny that — if you embrace it, if you are honest with each other about what was good about the past, and not-so-good, it will help you deal with the present so much more easily.
I know the pain you are going through — it all feels like a lie, right now. Like the bottom dropped out. But it was not a lie — it all really happened, and you were not fooling yourselves: you were simply commited to making it work and trying very hard to do so, despite the obstacles. To be commited like that, you need to focus on the goal, on the good stuff, and not on the bad stuff. And right now all you see is the bad stuff — you are just literally shell-shocked. I think you and S. are doing absolutely the right thing by taking things slow and letting things settle down, before making any (more) huge decisions.
Think back to the Valentine’s Day you just had. S. took you out and feted you in an entirely vanilla manner. It was just about your love for each other. Well, it still is. Maybe you can’t get back to Master-and-slave for some years to come, and that will suck, profoundly. But I think you can still enjoy the love you both share, and, when the dust settles, you can find a way to have the kinky sex you both love. Just not the 24/7 aspect, for a while, as you both find yourselves, your new shape, shaped by the new limits.
Relationships are not stagnant things — they are always changing as life changes you and the ones you love. You brought up how J. is 17, and you remember when she was born. Well, your relationship with her is quite different now from when she was a newborn, when she was 5, when she was 10. And some of those changes were good, and (right now) lots of those changes seem pretty bad. But she is still a part of your life, and you will always love her as your daughter, no matter what your relationship looks like at the time.
Well, S. wants to be your Master, and you want him to be. But right now, what “Master” and “slave” look like are different than before. It does not negate the past, it’s just the natural (and sometimes unfortunate seeming) changes that relationships ALL have to go through. It doesn’t mean he cannot ever be your Master again. You just have to rebuild carefully: maybe never get back to the same place, but find a new one that’s equally satisfactory.
If the online M/s community lives any lie, it’s that M/s relationships do not ever change, except to become more intense, more power-exchange-y. But I think ALL of them go through “down time,” where one partner (or both) don’t have the same energy or same drive as they did before. And this can either be a temporary thing, leading to a new high, or it can be a permanant change, which if both partners can accept it, will lead to a new happy place for both.
My Master does not treat me the way he used to. He used to be a stern, distant Master. Now, he is a tender, loving Master, more prone to calling me lover’s nicknames than the cold and remote “girl.” Our relationship has seriously changed, and it was very hard for me to deal with, as you know! But I am still his slave, and I obey him and we live the life as best we can. There was a period when my job took over everything, and we had to back off from the 24/7, and then I got really sick, and he had to nurse me … those things have had their impact on who we are now. Maybe someday in the future, we will come around to the Master and slave we used to be. But right now, we are just the Master and slave we ARE, and we can either be miserable about it, and “call the whole thing off,” or we can focus on how much we love each other and make it work.
Now, I know I don’t know all the details of the problem. But you have shared a lot about yourself and S. over the years, and about your relationship. You’ve been through some hard times (although none as hard as this, as far as I know) and you’ve always been able to make things work out. That’s a wonderful history, and one that shouldn’t be tossed away, just because the pain is so raw now. I’m not saying don’t move out or go back to school — that might be just the thing that’s needed. But do also cling to the beautiful love between you both, because that doesn’t come along often in this world. I really think you guys love each other enough to make anything work, if you want to. So you can’t be the Master and slave you wanted to be, right now. So what? You can still have a better relationship than some people ever get in this life. You just have to hold each other, as you’ve been doing, and get through this bad place … and be open and honest (as I know you both are dedicated to being) when you come to forming the new relationship.
Let’s Call The Whole Thing Off Lyrics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J2oEmPP5dTM
Things have come to a pretty pass
Our romance is growing flat,
For you like this and the other
While I go for this and that,
Goodness knows what the end will be
Oh I don’t know where I’m at
It looks as if we two will never be one …
Something must be done:
You say either and I say either,
You say neither and I say neither
Either, either Neither, neither
Let’s call the whole thing off.
You like potato and I like potahto
You like tomato and I like tomahto
Potato, potahto, Tomato, tomahto.
Let’s call the whole thing off
But oh, if we call the whole thing off
Then we must part
And oh, if we ever part, then that might break my heart
So if you like pyjamas and I like pyjahmas,
I’ll wear pyjamas and give up pyajahmas
For we know we need each other so we
Better call the whole thing off
Let’s call the whole thing off.
You say laughter and I say larfter
You say after and I say arfter
Laughter, larfter after arfter
Let’s call the whole thing off,
You like vanilla and I like vanella
You saspiralla, and I saspirella
Vanilla vanella … aw — chocolate strawberry
Let’s call the whole thing off
But oh if we call the whole thing off then we must part
And oh, if we ever part, then that might break my heart
So if you go for oysters and I go for ersters
I’ll order oysters and cancel the ersters
For we know we need each other so we
Better call the calling off off,
Let’s call the whole thing off.
(I apologise if I have overstepped my bounds, here. I just really hate to see you in all this pain! But I honestly admit I have no real idea of what is going on with you, and these are all just suggestions based on the kaya/Tess I think I know. Do with them as you will.)
But do also cling to the beautiful love between you both, because that doesn’t come along often in this world.
Zille what wonderful thoughts and your sentence above is the truest of the true. I second that emotion!!!
I had this nice long comment all planned out and then read yours, Zille, and saw that you’d already said it all and more. So I’ll just reiterate that ALL relationships change over time, and that not letting them adjust to changes in us and our experiences and circumstances is unrealistic and ultimately self-defeating.
As for the problem with what to call each other, that too will evolve. When the philosopher and I broke up, he stopped calling me kitten. It’s all he’d ever called me. I found it very painful, and when it turned out it was hard for him, too, we said the hell with it and I’m kitten again. Which gets back to doing whatever feels right for YOUR relationship, based on YOUR rules, at any given time.
It sounds like you are in an almost surreal place at the moment. It is an interesting idea that other people have made here in the comments – because of how you have written, Tess, I have also seen your relationship in an “all or nothing”-perspective. Either you have no limits, or you don’t have a relationship.
But… what if? What if the two of you are able to accept and come to terms with the fact that you, for now, do have a limit? Like you said – it’s not even a limit over you, but over your children.
I feel slightly uneasy writing this as I have never been in a M/s-relationship and I am in no position to give you any kind of advice. But I was just thinking, based on what you have written and based on the comments written here:
… What if?
Taylor has often pointed out, in public forums, that M/s is an illusion, true only because it is believed in.
He gets lynched every time.
But he’s right.
Sometimes what you find after blowing the smoke away and cleaning the mirrors is way, way better than the illusion was.
It just all depends on what you find and what direction you choose to take.
love you
Carrie
When it feels right to make love you two will and when it doesn’t
you won’t. That’s just the way it should be. Take your time and allow it to happen. Certainly understand the “contracts” etc.
But since you are not ending the marrage, what’s the big deal ?
No different than when one partner goes off to war or what ever.
Hang in there.
:-*
I don’t even know what to say to comfort you other then we’re here and we care and it’s shitty what’s happening.
So much of what you said touched spots in my heart that brought up memories. The inability to stop reaching for one another, the craving for sex but knowing it’s so complicated and scary. I’ve felt those and they are so hard, impossible really, to deal with.
When my boy and I broke up two years ago (we got back together after muchos drama including cheating) we still hung out every day and dated and fucked and did everything without titles. I was sassy and rude and lots of ‘I don’t have to tell you where I’m going to be or what boys will be there I’m not your girlfriend because you don’t want me’ But only for a while, cause it hurt him. It’s hard realizing you love someone enough, even when they’ve broken your spirit and hard, that you wont take out your anger on them because you don’t want them to hurt with you.
I don’t even know if any of this is comforting or helpful or if I’m just filling up your journal with my silly stories. I do hope that you realize you aren’t completely alone. I can’t know exactly what you are going through and I never will. But I can compare and know a glimpse of the feelings you’re experiencing.
I send my love and happy thoughts.
This is change and change is damn hard. My father taught me something important about change: That no living creature may survive without it.
I keep tearing up when I read your posts. Tearing up for you, for what you must be going through. It occurs to me that you may well not want someone else’s tears, but I hope you know that it’s not pity, only empathy. I know there’s only so much words can do for you… especially words from someone you really don’t know. Just try and remember in the dark, quiet moments that there are bunches of people out here in the intar-webs rooting for you, and caring about you.
Change sucks. But what must be endured can be endured. You strike me as the sort of woman who understand and can embrace that idea.
I’ll keep you and yours in my thoughts.
Tess,
I, too, have been reading you for quite some time. Based on a previous post, can I assume that Jess is pregnant? If so, does that have something to do with the decision that you “just couldn’t make”? Is that why Scott is sooooo feeling pulled financially?
I live your lifestyle, albeit not quite to the extreme. All I can tell you is is this… As long as you ALWAYS do right by your children (let’s face it, who else will but their parents?) you will ALWAYS come out the winner; in the end.
I applaude you for whatever decision it is you made or whatever it is that you “just couldn’t agree to” because I think you made the right choice and decision. Life isn’t always about absolutes… The above posters are right… life changes as you go along. It tends to throw shit your way you weren’t quite expecting but, you deal with it as it comes.
I guess what bothers me (and I know, it isn’t my life so who the hell am I to say?) is that Scott knew what he was getting into when he took you and three children on. I can honestly say, shame on him if he chooses to back out now, just because times are a little rough. Welcome to everyone else’s world. When you say I do, and you know what you were getting into, then you have to stand by your vows.
I may be completely off base here, but I don’t think I am. If you chose your child over your husband then I can honestly say, GOOD FOR YOU. You brought them into this world, and a scary world it is. Bottom line? They rely on you for guidance, structure and just plain common sense, when they fail to have any of their own. I can only imagine what a difficult choice it must be for you. You need to remember that YOU are the parent and it would so appear that you have done just that. Don’t get me wrong, I know that taking on family is hard, but if he did it knowingly AND willingly, then I have to say, you, as the slave, have much more power, control and independence than you perceive.
Just an opinion from a lurking bystander who has read you for quite sometime now.
If this was the choice you had to make then I say kudos. Most parents would walk away and take of themselves. IF this is the case, again, I applaud you; for being a truly giving, loving parent.
Goddammit woman you are ripping my fucking heart out every day.
Tess,
While I don’t think you were living an illusion at the time, it is clear that whatever you were living, it changed, almost overnight. That happens. Someone I know says that one of the biggest falacies in life is that we live in a linear world. Life is full of non-linearalities, those sudden changes in direction and meaning that pepper our existance (911, cancer, break ups). That doesn’t make what was before wrong or a lie, just different.
There’s also nothing wrong with the fantasies, as long as we remember that they’re just that, fantasies. There ARE lifestyle stories out there that try to be real in soem way (I write some of them). Happy endings aren’t bad, they’re what we dream of and need the hope that they’re possible. I do understand how hurtful those fantasies feel right now. Your life’s falling apart on you and people are still having fun around you and you feel like screaming, “I’m dying in here, can’t you see that!” I think everyone has felt that way at some time, though maybe not to the extent that you are going through right now.
Tess, you had something good, and now it’s gone or going away. Worse, you aren’t able to make a clean break, so there’s constant reminders of what you had and the pull you feel from them is normal. You’ll do what’s right in the end. We can’t see everything, though several have speculated on the causes of this ending(?). You’ll also make mistakes along the way; they don’t have to be the end. If you and Scott decide to have kinky sex without the other trappings, I’m sure you’ll survive the experience; it’ll certainly meet a physical need each of you has. If it hurts too much after once, then just don’t do it again. You’re basicly redefining your relationship for the next while and there will be missteps. Give yourself permission to make them. As I’ve told my students, the wrong answer won’t kill you; I don’t think one here will either, though, like all mistakes, there will be pain involved.
I’m probably giving you more advice than you want to hear, but I just can’t help it. Feel free, of course, to ignore everything or anything. Lord knows I’ve never gone through what you’re going through and may have no idea what I’m talking about. You know where to find me if you need to talk. take care of yourself and your children.
Dave
I keep wanting to email you and check in, but at the same time I don’t want to bug you or whatever. I am constantly thinking about you though.
I’ll say this about your post…Things can go back – they will never be the same as they were before and there will now be a certain suspension of disbelief that’s required, but it can happen. I’m not saying now or 6 months from now, I’m talking about how you said eventually you want to try this again.
I will never, ever, ever, ever forget the night L looked at me and told me he was unable to give me what I “needed”. I sat up on the couch – all night long – just thinking of what it all meant. The physical and mental pain I felt that night paled in comparison to anything I had felt before. It was worse than my divorce, it was worse than moving away from home, it was worse than anything. L and I obviously didn’t separate but I went through all the things you’re talking about in your post…feeling an ache in my stomach everytime I went to the restroom without permission, or ate without permission or any number of things that triggered memories. It all hurt…and it hurt for a really long time.
When he came back around and wanted to try again I couldn’t get that night out of my head. We’ve had ebbs and flows (ALOT) since then, but every time we delve back into things I still think of that night. I think of the hurt and the pain and how hard it was to get used to not asking for things…then, of course, there is the defiance…the part about me being angry that things didn’t work out and unlike you I *wanted* to hurt him. I wanted him to feel the same way I did. How we survived that time, I’ll never know. Now here we are, getting back on the wagon so to speak…and I miss – more than anything – that blind faith that I had once upon a time. I miss having a core belief that things were as they should be – that he was in charge and I was submissive and that was that, no questions asked, no pain caused, no hurt, ya know?
Unfortunately we both have a need to live in a power exchange dynamic. It’s always harder to start again, or try again, or whatever…because once you realize that part of it really IS you choosing to believe a certain way, it never quite feels the way it did before it was broken.
Maybe everyone has to go through this. I don’t really trust those holier than thou D/s couples who have never been challenged. Maybe it’s necessary to go through crappy times in order to learn if you really REALLY want to be doing this…I don’t know, Tess…I do care about you and as I was reading this post it just reminded me of all the times we’ve failed, but then chosen to try again and I guess that’s what I hope for you guys. You two love each other and that’s a heck of a lot more than many people have. I hope you guys do go to the party and indulge your kinks (I wouldn’t hold my breath about Scott bottoming, though! LOL) and just realize that it’s ok to stumble, you’re both human…it’s what you choose to do with the pieces that are left that matter.
As a semi lurker I am hesitant to make this comment. I have been reading all your posts for several years and am always impressed by your incite. But as this weeks posts have unfolded I can’t help but wonder if you and Scott haven’t fallen victim to the myth of the no limits slave. Many subs claim they have no limits ,many doms say they accept no limits ,but it’s not true. There in lies a problem A dom has to know where his control really ends. That point at witch Master slave turns to something more brutal. I’m talking about emotional brutality not physical. Heres the problem most masters can’t be sure where that line is because the subject doesn’t come up when no limit couples talk. Once the line has been crossed its hard to back down. I think back to you saying he wouldn’t back down and you wouldn’t have respected him if he did. I hope you have not gotten into to this trap. You deserve all the happiness that life has to offer. I’m making this post as a person whose been married 29 years and has made all of the mistakes a couple could in that time. Im just trying to say step back and be sure before you make to many life altering changes. I am not the writer you are so please do not take this as preaching but just as a lurking fan who hopes for the best for you and Scott and your children.
Hey Tess,
a few weeks ago you were doing q and a, and you asked me when was the last time I cried. I answered that it was a few weeks prior when my husband and I were talking about getting divorced. I babbled a little about myself, you probably didn’t care, but I am going to babble a little more just so you know you are not alone. (Strangely enough the q I asked you was if you thought your relationship could survive if you weren’t M/s anymore).
Last year around Christmas my husband and I discovered the idea of Domestic Discipline and were really intrigued (after being “properly” horrified like good vanillas at first). We tried it out. I really like the idea of it. We tried and tried but it just didn’t work. He wouldn’t do it. We did, however, get into a lot of kink with him tying me up, spanking and paddling me black and blue etc. To make it really confusing he would, every now and then, swing into a Dom role and start ordering me around. WTF? Anyway, sex became 100% linked with kink and bdsm play.
Right now we are trying to save our marriage from divorce and everything is weird weird weird. We haven’t had sex in two months. The other day he came up to me and started kissing on me and said some comment about “now if I can just figure out how to make you do what I say” and my head was just spinning.
So, like you and Scott, we love each other so very much, but are so unsure about our relationship and our roles. We reach out and touch and draw back in the same way you describe. How do you have sex when you don’t even know your place? And I know I only dabbled in it for a year, I can’t imagine how incredibly complicated it must be for you guys.
A few comments here have been along the lines of – well you love each other, so you can work it out. Well, I know it’s not that simple. There’s so much shit that gets in the way. Whatever it is for you guys it must be huge. I hope you can work it out some how, some way. I know how lonely it is to lie next to the one person you love so very much and not be able to touch them or to be yourself around them.
It seems to me that what you guys had was very real, and not just an illusion. You can’t really “act” that intense dedication out. Take it from someone who watched someone try to do it. It doesn’t work. You guys were committed, but things changed. I don’t think you need to throw out everything that you have shared just because things changed. Don’t do that to yourself and your relationship.
I wish I were as eloquent as you. I know what I’ve said here doesn’t come close to what I really want to say, but it will have to do.
Take care,
Ruby
“… a carefully crafted illusion…”
I’m a new reader of your blog and only aware of what you are going through from reading today your posts and the resulting comments.
People, including me, have an intense desire to learn about themselves through reading the words of those who can describe their own life. You are one who can describe your own life well, evidently, and you have great value to your readers because through your writing, people can approach your heart. They can understand themselves better through reading what you have to say.
I often wonder whether everyone’s life is a carefully crafted illusion. Really, I am fairly certain that it is so, for almost everybody. The only reality is love. Keep your love alive and whatever difficulties you have to go through in “real life” (a misleading term) you will be making the best of your life.
I am not far off the end of a long life. Looking back I can say that what I have done out of love is the only gift I have given this world. Nothing else matters. I turn my attention now to loving my wife, children, neighbours, dogs and even my house and surroundings.
Malcolm
Tess,
“using whatever name makes me feel comfortable in the moment”
Use whatever makes you comfortable in the moment…that’s my best 2 cents. Whatever limit you came up against, after everything you’ve done, been, endured….to come to a limit must be both shocking and intense. Faith…in yourself, in each other, in your underlying love will help you get through it. Good luck…many hugs…good thoughts…
fown
I understand how Scott feels last year close to this time my beloved belle removed her collar we are still married and have a beautiful daughter and she is still a mascochist and me a sadist even though I cant be as harsh to her as I once was because I love her. But her not being my submissive at times makes it very hard for me to relate to her. At times she will wear what was her collar in times she needs a bit of moral support and my heart sings but if she gets upset it comes off and is discarded again and it is like a blade cutting through me. It sometimes makes it hard to relate but I love her and will stay with her maybe someday the fire will return to her belly until that day may come I will just have to find playmates to fill that part of me but belle will always be my number 1.
Mr Robert
This is the advice you gave me when I thought Master and I were over back in April. I saw the whole thing for what it was kinda the way you are seeing it now.
“Keep talking, I guess that’s about it. Talk and talk and talk. Don’t give up. Relationships change and fluctuate and people do, too. All that can be done is to change with them, even when it sucks donkey balls.
Know I’m thinking of you and sending good thoughts. Hugs.”
from you to me and now from me to you.
Kitten.
Just like everyone else babe I am sending you healing thoughts and warm hugs that I would smother your cute little butt with if I was close by. One thing I did notice is that even in these times you have such a gift of writing and words that with some of your words its like a mirror. So many people that never have admitted anything but kinky bliss are now telling how they them selves have been on this same road from one journey to the next. Your words about some of the illusions, that is what got and still gets me. Now we both know our relationships on the kinky side are not tht close hell I am such a wussy remember LOL. But when it started to back slide a few months ago and my internal struggle started to eat me up, you commented about people being in love with some of the illusion of a Ms relationship and the illusion of what 24 7 would be. I believe you were right about that on so many levels. You opened up a part of my mind that I hadnt even concidered thinking into.
You are amazing and Im so blessed to have you and I hope you do continue to post here and there with what ever you are comfortable posting about. You areloved. I know I speak for alot of people and I cannot imagine what it would be like with out you here in some form or another. We all admire you threw the good the bad and the ugly. We are all human and that includes you!!
You are also still a rockstar babe. That will NEVER change
I love you doll
tia
Talk talk talk and when you are tired of talking, talk some more. It sounds like you still want him to take some control, just not all of it. And thats ok. There is a place where you two will meet and be happy! Maybe talk to a therapist? I know there are some out there that dont “frown” on our lifestyle and actually are a part of it. Illusions and fantasies can and are made to be changed to make BOTH people happy…you just need to talk and find that place.
Here’s a poem I *sometimes* find helpful. My gut says post it – it’s not always right
LIVING THE QUESTIONS
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“Have patience with everything unresolved in your heart
and try to love the questions themselves
as if they were locked rooms
or books written in a foreign language.
Do not search for the answers, which could not be given to you now,
because you would not be able to live with them.
And the point is, to live everything.
Live the questions now.
Perhaps then, someday in the future,
you will gradually, without even noticing it,
live your way into the answer.”
- Rainer Maria Rilke, poet
Over the past few days I have read n’ parts of me have an idea of what is not being said. It’s something you said about the ropes n’ who was hanging off them.
I guess part of that is the mother in me going “Yep I know the feeling.”
However I can’t be sure as to what is the problem completely and assuming only makes me look like an utter ass. What I can say is that I do know how you are feeling. I know that feeling of reaching out yet stopping just short. It’s more painful than just walking away.
I can’t offer much but I have you in my thoughts and offer a shoulder or ear from someone on the outside.
Hugs
Dear Ms. Tess,
I have lurked here for longer than I care to admit. This is what I think – many of us are hard-wired for submission. We just are. It’s a part of some human survival mechanism or because our mother’s made us eat peas or who knows why else. But we are driven in our very cells for it.
Here’s the other part – we also have a human hard-wired need to be free. There is no enslaved people that accepted its lot. It’s in the genes. And in the end, that human characteristic, the need to be a free individual, overwhelms our drive to submit.
The good news. You can be sexually submissive without being a slave forever. you can also love your husband and try to please him without obeying him. And he can be a dominant force in your life without owning you.
I have loved watching this develop and I appreciate greately your willingness to let us all into your life. Thank you for your honesty.
Best wishes for happiness to you and your family.
Hi, Tess,
i lurk alot, not commenting often, but i have been thinking of you.
You have more friends here than you know :)
Tess,
I must admit, I haven’t kept as close to your journal as I should. Master has though. I don’t really have words of my own, other than I’m sorry. I’d also say there is lots of great advise above . . . even vanilla comments of encouragement!
I really hope everything happens the way it needs to. Don’t forget you DO have lots of friends here; people who have grown to love you for YOU . . . .
Hugs, bev
Those of us who have been owned and then suddenly no longer are…we fade into the background, because no one wants to talk about THAT in a D/s forum. Many of us, I dare say, feel like failures. It’s taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that just because I’m not an owned slave, doesn’t mean I *failed* at being a slave.
You’ve made it clear, over the months and years that I’ve been reading you, that there is something more than D/s holding you and Scott together. Of course the Master/slave relationship was a huge part of your dynamic, and there’s nothing that says it can’t continue to be. But that’s not all that your marriage and your relationship is based on, even if the “other stuff” may have taken a backseat.
To some extent, D/s is an illusion that works because we believe in it. But the ingrained habits, the brainwashing and the self-policing, are very real — evident in the fact that you still want to call him Master, still ask permission for things, etc. It takes a tremendous amount of time and energy and investment to change behaviors and thought patterns, and it’s your decision as to whether they’re worth changing at all.
*hug*
Hi girl I have thought about you and Scott all though this and as I see it you both have come to a time that you both need each other more then ever. I think that you have both have come to a point that needs to be talked about not sweeped under the carpet, so talk and talk some more and don t let this break u two up.
That sead, don t back down to yours or his beleaves just work them out It may take a long time but the right one will come.
Just don t do something you or him can t redo.Nothing final!
I not a great writer like you but I hope that made sence.
SirDuke
you know, i used to think, “oh, i cna’t be a slave, i could never give up my friend J if He told me to.” and i realized something. i gave Master all of me that i could give Him. i really did. J is my friend, has been my lover, my confidante, my roommate, my partner in many definitions. but she knows there is somethign Master gives me that she can’t. she has a baby now, and a partner of her own, and they live several hours away. but, a part of me is hers. it belongs to her. and i can’t give that part of me to Master because it doesn’t belong to me! it belongs to her.
i have always belived that if one has children, part of you belongs to them. you can’t just give that part to someone else. it doesn’t belong to you anymore. it belongs to them.
i just wonder where you seem to have gotten this idea that just because you came across a line means that everything else, in it’s entirety, has to stop? why do you have to stop doing things that He asks? why do you have to stop asking permission? you know, ANYTIME two people are together, the relationship they have is what they build. it’s an “illusion” (since that seems to be the word of the day) regardless! the monogamy of standard marriage is an illusion. consentual M/s is an illusion. love is not. caring is not. getting pleasure and comfort from serving or suffering, or from being served or exerting control inside YOUR relationship is not an illusion. it’s fact.
i know a good friend who said, “the only people who have no limits are the ones who haven’t found them yet.” and i think that’s totally true.
do i have limits, in the purest sense of the word? sure! absolutely! do i say my relationship with Master is invalid, and they obedience to Him is null and void because i have things i can’t do? nope. i accept that, and so does He. you’re a good cookie, Tess. really. and i know the two of you are going through some restructuring. that’s cool! relationships DO change, as many others have said, and that is REALLY REALLY OK.
i can’t tell you how much my relationship with Master has changed. it’s not bad. it’s just different. and different is foreign, and unknown, and unknown is scary. that’s fine too. babe, seriously, ou’re doing great.yeah, question yourself. question your relationship, and question your motives. but also, be really really HONEST with yourself about what you want, and what you’re doing. don’t give up what you like because suddenly it doens’t seem to fit with what you don’t have anymore. so you don’t have a super-extreme, absolutely no limits M/s dynamic, so sayeth the community. so what? make his coffee anyhow. if he wants to take you, he can do that anyhow. not His place? why not? isn’t He your partner, and aren’t you the chick who likes to get taken? then it IS his place. it’s whatever place the two of you decide is good.
my advice?: consider what you two Do enjoy. consider what you CAN do. don’t exclude anything, sexual, emotional, intimate, public, whatever, just because it was in a previous set. anything can fit in more than one bag.
*loves*
Wow, you’ve gotten a lot of advice, a lot of hugs, and a lot of support going on here. Good for you!
This is just my 2 cents, not meant as advice, I’m just sharing with you. The rub I’ve had to face when trying to balance my lifestyle choices with my family is that this is my choice, not theirs. As with you, my daughter did not choose to have a man come into her life (D/s, M/s or vanilla) and dominate her. She never said, “I’ll be ok with Mom giving up all of her decisions and not having her own opinions anymore.” When raising teenage girls, this is especially problematic because I want my daughter to grow into a healthy, self-sufficient woman while at the same time watching me submit and go along with things because I’m told.
Our kids aren’t dumb. No matter the face I wear or how much I try to be a good, happy submissive, my girl can tell when I don’t agree with one of his decisions and it’s a tough place to be. Last year Sir made a decision and told me I had to let her go because she couldn’t live with us becaue of her behavior. I accepted his decision and we sent her away. Without a doubt, it was the worst decision I ever agreed to and Sir and I realized it was a decision I couldn’t (was unwilling)to live with.
All it took was that situation to change everything – I told him that I’m 43 years old and it was time for me to quit playing house, put my big girl panties on, grow up and take responsibilty for my daughter. In that one instance, I realized that as much as I wanted to be a submissive and beleive I had given my will up – I COULD NOT or, more appropriately, WOULD NOT turn my back on my girl – I still had my own will, it had just been tucked neatly away (it was waiting to rear its ugly head and I think while my will was hybernating it was gaining in strength).
We worked through it and now things are different. We still have a kinky sex life and are D/s(really severe D/s) but I do have limits – I will not force my daughter to accept a lifestyle she didn’t ask for. Sir has made compromises and will continue to even though he doesn’t always agree with my approach.
So, I found out that in our “no limits” relationship, I have limits. Through all of this, I lost something and I gained something. I love my daughter, I love my husband and I love him being my Sir. BUT, at the end of the day, I am a grown woman, and as much as I want to, I’m not a slave in the most technical sense.
It’s just too bad that sometimes we have to sneak out of our comfortable little shell and take a stand against someone so important and powerful in our lives. I know how much it hurts and I’m sorry you are going through this.
I wish I had a crystal ball and could tell you all the wonderful things that are going to happen in your life. I wish you and yours the absolute best!
~big hugs~
junebug
I know this is old, but that was fucking beautiful. I know how you feel.