Escapism, Underestimation and Divorce
Every time I’ve been allowed to sit down in front of the computer, when I’ve had to choose whether to spend my time blogging, reading, Facebooking or Fetlifing- I’ve instead chosen to escape into Grey’s Anatomy, or whatever other drama-ridden show I can find on Hulu.
Do you know why? Because they have more drama than I do! I don’t care if it’s fake, made-up drama. Anything to distract me from my own drama.
I don’t want to talk about how we do “this thing we do” over on Fet. I’m over the judgement, the catty behavior, the snarking and the insulting. Half the people there are online-only, or part-timers, or LDR. They’re all full of plans and dreams and ideas of what it’s going to be. So sure of their plans that they can’t even entertain the idea of it being anything other than what they lie in bed dreaming it to be.
I don’t know anybody who made the transition from LDR/online/part-time to 24/7 and didn’t have to adjust their plans to accommodate the issues of real life.
I’m cynical.
I can’t read any more blathering bullshit and posturing from those who think they’ll be the ones who avoid that pitfall because they believe they have some inside line, some secret knowledge that the rest of us didn’t have. The worst of it coming from those who have never even done this, those poor misguided saps.
I can’t read any more of the bewildered pain from people who made the leap and had their dreams shattered when this “thing we do” ended up being something entirely more difficult and altered in real life than it was on the weekends or through the monitor.
I can’t talk any more about the adjustments and compromises we made as a couple to create this workable version of O/p with people who sit in judgement of how we do it when they aren’t doing it at all.
I’m jaded.
Master and I aren’t who we were 8 years ago. 5 years ago. 3 years ago. “This thing we do” is a shell of its former structure, barely recognizable from where we started. I’m not the same person, nor is he, all in spite of the plans and the determination to create the vision of our fantasies.
Because life is what happens while you are busy making other plans, don’t cha know.
Jobs and finances. Kids. College. Illness. Family. Growth. Change. It all comes no matter how far in the sand you try and bury your head. It’s those people who are set in stone who don’t make it, who can’t make this work. Those people so dead set on what their fantasy is going to become that they cant– won’t– tweak and adjust anything, spending year after year alone, doing nothing more than congratulating themselves on refusing to settle, refusing to compromise, refusing to give, waiting for the ever-elusive Perfect.
What we have? Is not perfect. So very not perfect.
We defy the rules laid out for Owner and property, for Master and slave. We don’t fit. We don’t belong.
He’s fun, and romantic. He’s my friend, my best friend. He changes rules when they don’t work- even if the only person they aren’t working for is me. He values my feelings. He loves me.
He fixed me. He repaired my broken psyche, my frozen feelings, my stunted emotional abilities. Even though doing so changed who I am, altered my need for the darker things, and compromised my desire to fulfill some of his darkness, he let that go. For me. For me.
How do I repay him for this? By doubting his integrity. By betraying his faith in me.
I’ve also stayed away from Fet because I won’t talk the talk when I’m not walking the walk. I’d open the Fetlife page, see the many posts from people ‘doing it right’ and be flooded with guilt and shame, and close it out. I wasn’t walking the walk. So I couldn’t talk.
I needed to deliver some news to him and I didn’t want to. I sat on it for about a week, 5 days in fact, terrified out of my gourd that this was going to be it. This was going to be the last straw. This was going to be the end.
Yet, I had to tell him. HAD to. Property transparency and alla that. Plus, I was LYING, even if only by omission. Every time he asked me what was wrong and I replied that it was nothing. Every time he asked if there was anything he needed to know and I said no. Every time he looked at me with that direct, searching gaze and I averted my eyes, quickly changed the subject, trying to distract him.
I was stuck. My go-to person in times of trouble is him. When I need direction, when I need support, when I need advice, when I need anything… he’s my person (to steal from Grey’s).
I argued with myself. A lot. Berated myself. Cried. Fretted. Tried to examine my options for when he kicked me to the curb. If not because of the news, then surely because, with each passing day, I was damaging the core of our relationship.
Those options, by the way? Bleak. I don’t really have any good ones. I don’t have a job-or any marketable skills anymore. No continued education. I don’t have access to any money. I don’t have a car. Or a house. Or any furniture. I’m 41 years old, which is entirely too old to be moving back in with Mom and Dad (not to mention that my mother and I are currently not speaking to each other, but that’s another entry).
Dependency has fingers that run deep, in all walks. But fuck me if practical dependency isn’t where the real power lies.
So I explored those non-existent options. I kicked myself for being horrible property who wasn’t being transparent. I lectured myself on how this is not the kind of relationship we have. I don’t GET TO hide things from him. We don’t have a relationship based on dishonesty.
“Respect, Discipline, Honesty, Integrity, Focus, Strength, Passion, Faith”. Those are the words HE chose. That’s the synopsis of our relationship. That’s what he wants from me- and more than that, that’s what he gives me.
So great. Now I have guilt. Guilt and fear. Betrayal. I was betraying his expectations. Betraying all of the work he’d put into me. Not living up to the ideal he’d instilled in me for how his property was supposed to behave.
I underestimate him all the time. I underestimated him for 5 days in a row before I couldn’t take it anymore. I was convinced he was going to leave me when I finally sat down to spill it, but I chose that possibility over continuing to feel like I was betraying him.
I knew I could end up unowned. I knew it’d be well within reason. And I still couldn’t live another day feeling like I was violating those 8 chosen words. Respect, Discipline, Honesty, Integrity, Focus, Strength, Passion, Faith.
I disrespected his rule.
I was undisciplined.
I wasn’t honest.
I compromised the integrity of his rule.
I didn’t focus on his ownership.
I was weak, and
I showed indifference to his rule.
I didn’t have faith in him.
I was Dead (Wo)Man Walking when I finally made my shameful way to sit in front of him. I was all full of “I hope’s” and “Please don’t's” and “I can’t's”…
I think I’ve spent the last 8 years waiting for him to toss me away, waiting for the day he wakes up from whatever delusional dream he’s been living in, sees what he’s gotten himself into and disappears for bigger and better things.
How shameful is that, huh?
I underestimate him.
So very shameful.
The reason I’m so easily pulled into the fantasy world of Grey’s Anatomy is because I identify so readily with the unworthy, broken persona of the main character. I get it. I get that tendency to self-sabotage.
I prepared myself for worst-case scenario. What I got was a nod. An “I know.” Not really even a change of expression.
Even though he’s shown me time and time again that he has the ability to roll with the punches, to adjust us and himself to fit with life and doesn’t expect life to fit with his fantasy, I still sat there, ready to follow up my news with obeying the order to pack up and leave.
I underestimated his integrity. His strength, his focus, his passion, his everything. His love, his commitment. My worth.
He hates when I do that. I know he does.
I don’t know if there are going to be consequences for the hiding and the secrecy and the underestimation. Or for the disrespect, the indifference, the weakness, the… seemingly unending list of failings. I don’t know. I can’t predict him.
Maybe it’s enough that I see the error of my ways?
Probably not, but a girl can dream.
As to the ‘divorce’ part of the title:
We are not divorcing. We are fine. He’s… good. He’s okay. That was the underestimation part.
I’m divorcing my daughter, though. More on that later.
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Monday January 23rd, 2012 11:15am
Oh my goodness, i’m sure i’ve been where you are. i have no doubt the circumstances are different but i’ve done the underestimating, and the lying by omission, all of it. i know it sucks and i wish i could somehow make it better for you but i can’t. i will think many good thoughts for you though.
Katie´s last [type] ..Easy Like Sunday Morning
My best wishes and thoughts are with your family right now, kaya. :-/
<>
Ahhhhhhhh – there are some things so very, very satisfying about growing up, and growing in a relationship.
I read this elsewhere… and I said what I needed to say…
but..
I get it. I totally get it.
See the lawyer, get guardianship & move on. If she can’t be responsible for herself, she can’t be responsible for Babygirl.
M will understand, deal with it all accordingly and still love you with every breath he has in his body.
Just be prepared for the punishment… lol
Theresa´s last [type] ..Partial Update
In all your blogs every serious relationship busting issue have always ever had one connecting issue that is Jes.
So no surprise to me reading this and yes go ahead with the divorce of her but keep baby girl she is cute.
Mark
*offers a hug* Wishing you both the best. Also BabyGirl. I have faith that things will work out between you all, somehow.
zelda´s last [type] ..Potential Analogy
You say you don’t walk the walk…but from reading here for so many years…. i see it. You walk *YOUR* style of walk..yours and His. And hell…what works for you doesn’t have to work for anyone else, does it? Coz He only owns you…
sending lots of hugs, and so glad you faced your Dragon (and lived to tell of it!)
Hugs,
nilla
nilla´s last [type] ..The Seedling
I’ve been reading your blog for years and that was one of your best posts in describing dealing with reality and not fantasy.
FD
It’s very tough to tell the things you think might be relationship enders. Good for you for telling, and good for him for being the man he is.
-sin
sin´s last [type] ..Would That Have Been More Submissive?
Whew… sits back down and takes a deep breath…
Bad BAD B A D !!! Are you TRYING to give us all heart attacks :-?
Seriously, methinks sometimes you are your own worst enemy, or to quote FDR (or was it Churchill?) THE ONLY THING WE HAVE TO FEAR IS FEAR ITSELF.
Peace & love (and a good caning for punishment).
- Don
Kaya, I’ve written to you a couple of times about my sister who died of drug overdose — and was a BPD sufferer. I want to offer you something that was given to me when I was too close to her, going over her personal cliffs with her each time she endangered her daughter. (My husband and I took custody of her daughter while she was still alive.) What I learned, and wish I had learned earlier, was how to “love from a distance”.
I’m not sure, it might be AA that teaches this method. Teaches us how to be kind, loving, and still put enough space between us and the person who is causing pain/drama/strife/ etc., that we do not become embroiled in their problems. We do not allow them to destroy our relationships, we do not go over an emotional cliff with them each time they leap. But we still love them, we still make it clear we love them. Whether or not they are ready to receive it.
What it means, in the end, is that you can be guilt free. Because you are offering all you can, you are not withdrawing your love or kindness. You just aren’t being manipulated or controlled by someone else’s problems.
It’s a hard thing to learn, honestly. Sometimes I got it really wrong. But I’m glad I leraned some of it. It helped me stay sane and it helped her daughter to live with the very sad outcome.
All good thoughts with your family.
It’s called “tough love”.
This too, shall pass. Words from my mother, that I live by. Without them, I’d be stuck in some hell somewhere, never being allowed to smile or feel joy and optimism again. I’m so thankful for those words, and the fact they’re so true.
And it’s not your fault for reacting in a way that you have been conditioned to understand and respond to, for a lot of your life. Suck it up, sweetie…you’re loved and owned, and you’re responsible – to a point. Let the rest go, because you’re a product of your environment and circumstances too. And frankly, you’re a shining example of what’s good in this world, and I’m glad Scott recognizes it. Coz I doubt I could hurt him. You know? :P
Forgiving ourselves for being less than what we hope we can be, is incredibly hard.
Someday I hope to visit you, chocolate cake is on me, just because the genuine you is awesome enough for me to want to do that. You’re doin’ it right, sweetness.
You and I have walked similar paths, in very different ways — for a long time. I know. And I do not know. No one really knows. But I am here. Still. Wishing you all the best,
Sue
swan´s last [type] ..Polyamory Observations #20
There isn’t one couple in the O/p group that doesn’t walk to the beat of their own drum… it is what makes them interesting. Personally one has stalked your blog for years because you do it your way. Even when things are horrible you both keep walking. It is what makes you compulsive reading :)
Master’s piece´s last [type] ..Reprieved
just know i am thinking of you all ……..
it will get better .. eventually… my “jess” is going to be 34 this weekend and has pulled her life together and is now.. quite a nice young woman …
so hang in there ok??
morningstar´s last [type] ..Vanilla just happens sometimes………
Hi Kaya,
I’m a new lurker and I just wanted to say a few things such as, I don’t think there is a right and wrong way, your right in your thinking about your relationship, that it’s what works for you and only you both know what’s right, b) you remind me so much of my own mom in your strength of character and wit, that I’m amazed every time I read your blog and that I wish I could just give you a big hug and say that everything will work itself out and thirdly, I just hope for happiness and tranquility for you with a slightly drama less household if you do get things with Jess settled
bbygrrl´s last [type] ..Play time
There is no right or wrong but what works for you guys. You will change and evolve together. You have seen how M has stood by you. I doubt he is going to run if he has not done so already. You have a good M/Husband/best friend.
Your posts when they are delayed like this is usually a family issue and we all have had them and will have them again. DO what you think is right and talk to M and then decide what to do.
DO not worry about Fet. It is as you described and not high on my visit list.
You let me know when you got some time and we will go away for a while, maybe dinner and a movie, girls night out. Or worst case, us older gals and one small young squirmy one.
I’ve done the LDR thing and the mostly LDR but together for a few months at a time thing and the only way it ever worked for me was to assume that the fantasy was fantasy and that reality would be life plus whatever fit with life. I suspect, however, that’s because my first exposure to kink was a blog that didn’t hide any of the good or the bad. I can understand people wanting to believe that the fantasy could be their reality, but I think pinning your hopes on the fantasy will only ever really work if that’s all you ever expect to have. And I don’t think anyone has a right to judge how a relationship works other than the people in it. If that doesn’t fit with someone else’s fantasy true way or even their opinion about what should be done, that’s their problem and they shouldn’t be making it yours. Whatever works best for you guys is whatever works best and you can call it what you feel it is. When people start talking about the “twoo way” stuff on Fet, it makes me very glad I’m not on Fet.
Also, I have a lot of respect to you for eventually getting it out there. I’ve had those conversations where I was worried it was going to be a relationship-ender and they suck and are scary. I think, for the reasons you talk about, they’re even harder to initiate when you’re the sub in a kink relationship.
I’m curious whether you’ve ever talked with him about the pattern you have with the doubts about bringing these issues up? Obviously, it’s not something to do when there is something happening that is an issue, but I wonder if he’d be able to help you sort it out and figure out how to retrain your mind. It’s perfectly understandable why the patterns are in your brain, but I suspect you might appreciate it if they weren’t!
As far as Jes goes (assuming she is the daughter in question), I tend to agree with the others than you just need to do what will be safest for you, BabyGirl, and the rest of the family. Jes will have to figure out how to live her life as an adult. You’ve given her more chances than most parents would and it sounds like she may really need the wake-up call at this point. I hope it works out for the best for all of you.
Not too long after moving in with my husband, I realized I was not submissive in the slightest. It was hot to fantasize about it, but in my waking life, being told what to do all the time was enough to make me fantasize about putting arsenic in his food. So I gave it up. It wasn’t me, and I’m much happier.
He, however, is still pissed that I “misrepresented” myself. Guess that explains why we’re getting divorced.
We can divorce them?! And here I thought I was going to have to resort to murder…
Seriously though, I have a sil who sounds very much like your daughter (though I get the impression that mainlining is not a problem with your daughter), and it’s a damned funky position to be in when there are little ones who have to be cared for one way or another.
It takes the kind of relationship you have with your Master to make it through this crap. Whether you broke the mold or not!
lil´s last [type] ..A Creature of Extremes?
The reason that your blog is the one BDSM blog I read consistently, not just when I’m thinking about the kinky aspects of my relationship or looking for fantasy material, is because you do talk about the reality and show that its not all an erotic novel.
I especially value your wisdom and experience about bringing children from a prior relationship into your relationship. It’s a complex issue in the simplest of relationships, seeing what you have been through and how you have made it work within your power exchange is nothing short of inspiring sometimes.