Endurance
The thing about this position is how torturously uncomfortable it is.
It doesn’t look so bad. But looks are very deceiving.
Attached at every conceivable attachable point, I could move little more than an inch or so in any direction without pulling on something.
Wrists, ankles and collar holding me forward. Clit and nipples, clamped tight, and pulling me backward.
It starts in the thighs. The tiredness. I was stuck right there in that half-squat. Trying to straighten up or sit down either one tugged on the clamps on my tender bits.
Then the knees begin to cramp. Just a little. Just enough to let you know that you need to move them.
Nipples and clit had long since gone past sharp pain, to bearable pain, to numb dull pain, to deep-seated ache that ramped up like a lightning strike with each tiny wiggle of the clamps.
My thighs quivered uncontrollably, the muscles pushed past endurance. My knees were locked. My arms ached, even my neck ached.
I was sweating. My entire body was covered in a fine sheen of sweat, evidence of my effort to hold that one position.
I whimpered. Then I cried. Fat, silent tears of defeat. I just wanted down. That’s all. Nothing else in life mattered right then. It consumed my thoughts, thinking of the relief of just. getting. down.
I strained tentatively at the clamps. Those blasted clamps. It was them that held me there. If I could pull hard enough to pull them off, I’d be free to move, free to alleviate the intense burn that had settled deep into my thigh muscles. I pulled, gently, experimentally, whimpering as the pain of the clamps rose higher and higher, telling myself they must be close, it must be close, they should pop off any second now, and still the pain climbed and climbed and they didn’t budge.
It was fear that held me there. Fear of how much more pain it would take to pull them off and how much of my pink part’s skin would go with it. The more time that passed the more it hurt to tug on those clamps, but the more my thighs and knees and body trembled in exhaustion, the more determined I was to pull them off.
And round and round it went. Determination, fear, defeat. Determination, fear, defeat.
How long? I don’t know. An hour? Two hours? More?
I’d started begging to the empty silent room. A whisper, a chant almost. please please please let me down. Oh god please let me down. i can’t. i can’t. please please please let me down.
When He finally came to me, I sobbed in relief. He touched me, trailing His hand over my twitching thighs. Running a finger through the beads of sweat collected between my breasts.
“Do you want down?”
I nodded, not trusting myself to speak. Afraid I’d explode with a thousand screaming words of demanding that I be let down Right This Second. I begged with my eyes.
“Soon,” He said, watching me. I realized He was stroking Himself and a sob escaped my throat. Again He touched my thigh as it went into another uncontrollable spasm. I lifted my head and groaned as the cramp lit, dug in deep, and then slowly began to fade. As I panted through it, I heard Him beside me and I realized this was what He wanted. He wanted to watch me suffer and whimper through this pain.
He wanted to see, and to hear, my pain.
Another cramp rolled through the arch of my foot and I cried out, frantically wiggling my foot, my tear-filled eyes pleading with Him and as soon as I made eye contact, as soon as He saw the pain and exhaustion in my face, He came. In long shooting spurts that splatted into my hair, smearing my glasses and dripping down, He came while watching me hurt.
~cunt
(these would be examples of pictures that humiliate me a thousand times more than licking cottage cheese off the floor ever will.)
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday October 24th, 2006 6:58pm
What night was this??
*blink*
Why?…lol
LOL!!
i was wondering if it was the night i was chatting with him? He mentioned that you were “tied up” and being the *coughdiscreetcough* person that i am, i did not ask for details.
Perhaps next time i should.
*EG*
pet
You know, I really need to pick His brain when it comes time to flesh out my fictional sadist …
Can I say it enough times? You are stunning in your determination and devotion. I hope when the time comes I can show as much grace.
:-*
I like! I’ve always been a fan of situational bondage, the exact thing you guys did here (in a variety of forms).
But you look absolutely exquisite!! :-D Kinda reminds me of all the physical trials that Worf’s parents put Dax through, when he wanted to marry her. I remember one scene where she’s standing, knees slightly bent, with a pole accross her neck and shoulders with a bucket of something attached on each end…
And Master was obviously pleased with you. :-) That which does not kill us…
Now, if only my Master’s computer wasn’t broken. Maybe I should print this out for him.
Immobility
How wonderful that He should be unmoved by your lack of movement. Most pleasing.
Englishman
Dear Kaya
I have just finished reading all of your blog entries. I started on Saturday and finished finally this morning. Since I am a graduate student I was almost kind of annoyed with you…I do not have the time to read about 400 entries. But I did. And I just wanted to let you know that it was a really great read. I have no idea how I found your LJ as I am not terribly interested in the M/s SM/BD world. But here I was. Your writing is very good. Honest and raw. You did what great writers do, which is to make the reader care without having to understand (or accept) the peripheral circumstances and transcend the story into something universal…something about just being human.
I have one question and one movie recommendation.
Question:
1.My favorite entries tend to be about how you negotiate your current lifestyle with mainstream society. Like going through security with your tack bra or interacting with your kids. So I am curious to know, how is it at the Dr? You have words carved into your body that many would consider shocking and “wrong”. Do you avoid the Dr as not to have anyone else look and make judgments? Or is there a word of mouth sort of thing where you can find Drs that understand the lifestyle?
Movie:
Have you ever seen the documentary Sick: The Life & Death of Bob Flanagan, Supermasochist? If not I highly recommend it. Flanagan was an artist and poet with Cystic Fibrosis who used extreme masochism to cope with his life threatening disease. The movie is about his relationship with his Mistress: Sherrie. Ultimately while about masochism it is also a really a story about love. I cried. Definitely rent this if you can. Here is the IMDB link http://imdb.com/title/tt0120126/
That is all.
Re: Dear Kaya
I can’t believe you read the whole thing. However did you stay awake? ;)
Thank you.
1) There is a website that lists Kink Aware Professionals but I don’t use it. The fact is, doctors see a lot of very abnormal things and truthfully, they just don’t care..lol Body modification isn’t unusual anymore. At most, I’ve been asked if I did it or if someone else did. I say I did. They ask why. Because I wanted to. End of conversation.
2)I’ve heard of that movie and I want to see it quite badly. In fact, since you’ve reminded me, I’m making a note to ask Master if I can get it. I’ve heard it’s quite good.
Again, thank you for your very kind words. I hope you stick around. :-)
I take back every funny remark I ever made… OUCH!!! No way could I ever do that. I will say that you don’t have anything to be humiliated about with these pics. You have a grace and dignity about you when suffering that is truly moving to behold.
Brian aka HB
Three Words
Owie! Owie! Owie! Heh! Some masochist I am huh? There is something very powerful, very beautiful, about you eminating from these pictures.
Hmmm that looks like fun. Oohh btw did you ever try my idea w/ the footballs? ;)
Oh this is beautiful! So are you. That position. These words. That feeling inside you gave me that made me wish it were me… that i wanted to watch too, but more the shared dynamic of Him watching you.
How sore are you today?
This is golden!
Reading what you wrote reminded me of my latest musing on the sweet helplessness that slaves crave. Your Master orchestrated such a dance with you following His lead perfectly…perfect in the surrender…
Well done.
~Master Obsidians latte
Anonymous seemed to imply some judgment when speaking of voyeurs…I don’t know…. maybe I’m just being “overly sensitive”…because I’ve realized from my perverse appreciation this post, that I must be one. At least I’m not an anonymous voyeur ;-) The photos are gorgeous…you look beautiful in everything you post…
Thanks for helping out a voyeuristic pervert like me with a dose of pleasure…and as to your voyeuristic master…Good God…long may he live!!!! lol
take care
…positively exquisite. *grins ‘n bookmarks for later use*
Hello!
Like the other anonymous reader, it was my first time reading your journal. In fact, I’ve been reading it since last week? I’ve even went so far as to read some of the comments that people have left. First, my thoughts were.. what the hell did I just stumble onto? Then it’s.. what the hell is he doing to her? Then.. wow, I didn’t know that. Then after the thoughts, came.. ‘I wish I had a relationship like that!’
I’ll admit, it was my first time ever reading something like this in my years of life and I’ve only ever known of -one- type of slave, and that came from the text books and history books. But this actually opened my eyes to a whole -new- meaning and way.
Maybe I’m that easy as well, to actually question and loathe what you’re doing and then immediately move to being.. hopeful and wishful to have a Master of my very own! Funny how things work over a span of a week, right? Anyways, I won’t leave a huge rant, and I’m sorry for posting Anony, but I don’t have a LJ of my own and one day I’ll get enough nerve to make one.
So I’ll say this, you’re beautiful! And honey, you have such nerve and guts, and spirit to last through the trials and humiliation, and you do it with grace. I could only hope to be resilient (if I’ve even spelled that word right!) and full of faith as you!
The Anony Girl!
Re: Hello!
aww.. that’s nice of you! Thank you.
I’m glad you don’t loathe me anymore..lol.
You needn’t worry about posting anonymous. Not everyone has an lj account, it’s not a requirement to comment. :-)
I’m glad to have ended up having a positive effect on you. And thank you so much for telling me. That’s always nice to hear.
I have always thought that long-time bondage was nothing for me… but now you made me change my mind :)
Me here
kaya honey, I dream of the day when I am able to to give my Master the same experience you gave yours the night/day those pictures were taken.
Your pain, control, submission, love, Him taking, absorbing, thriving on the ultimate gift you could give.
Your relationship is, your submission is,your words are, beautiful.
Thank you
rosebud3cc
http://ejksslave.blogspot.com/
damn kaya.
you are incredible, and i consider myself so lucky to be a tiny part of your online life. thank you for sharing.
*hugs and kisses*
~ toy
ps — i’m gonna bring this to Master’s attention for while he’s here next week. yep yep yep.
Next week! Oh my god! That’s wonderful! Yay! :D
MMmmmmm!! i love those kinda plays! *grins*. i just wish i had the skill you have in the way you describe it! As if the act/pics aren’t enough…your words make it sooo much more! Thanks for sharing it with us hun! :o)
pj
xx
so
beautifully
beautifully
erotic
B xxxxxxxxxxxx
endurance and humiliation
Kaya,
I was struck by this entry and showed it to my own Master, not because I liked it, not because it turned me on, but because I knew he would like it. Which he did of course. He liked the suffering of it, liked you obeying.
I think you express yourself beautifully always, and in this case we discussed not only the bondage and the pain and the D/s of it, but also about your writing. I said that you must have thought about the actual words you would write while you were chained, that you had used that idea to try to distract yourself a bit from the pain.
I wondered if you could write more about why you feel these photos are more humiliating. Thats an intriguing statement.
tina
Re: endurance and humiliation
Sometimes I am actually writing the entry in my head during the process and yes, it is a good thing to focus on to distract me.
I wasn’t doing that with this one though. In fact, I had pretty well rejected this as being “journal material”. It’s like that sometimes. I’m just not able to put it into words and if I can’t put it into words in my head, I can’t put it here.
That whole time I was there, I don’t think I had a thought beyond “please please please let me down”. It consumed me.
As for the humiliation, as I said in the post recently, it’s vanity. Pictures that show my face (especially in an ugly face) or my overlap of fat just devastate me to post. And some of that is I will often catch myself thinking “what do other people think of Master that He’s with a fat, ugly chic like me?” and I imagine that I’m embarrassing HIM. And that makes Him so so mad. That I’d insult His taste like that.
Oy.. a post in the comments. Sorry. :-)
hey
Hi
Sorry for posting anonymously, i know i hve a lj account but cant remember it lol stupid but there u go.
my friend gave me this link, as a suggestion on how to punish a sub im meeting with soon!
and its amazing, you are amazing….wow.
im relatively new to the world of BDSM. and am learning new things all the time, your journal is amazing you write in a moving funny and interesting way.
and you are truly beautiful, i can understand your fears of being humiliated, im like that but wow
im in awe of you:)
thankyou for posting your life so other people can learn:D
xxx
ha..you make me thank “insert diety of choice” for my bad back. LOL.. funny to thank for a bad back now.