Don’t know what you got ’til it’s gone.
This pic came through on a yahoo mailing list I’m on. It seemed to apply to my life right about now. ;-)
The last couple of weeks have been really good for us. They’ve been busy and stressful but under (over? around?) all the stress we’ve been reestablishing some basics on the M/s front.
Some of it is the natural ebb and flow of life. Sometimes things are hot and heavy, sometimes it wans, but never does it change the core of our relationship. But there for a little while it seemed things were seriously wonky for us. I know it showed here, and while I’m not even coming close to trying to excuse anything I’ve said because I continue to stand behind my words – and mean them when I say them- I know the delivery was pretty snarky. Even Master was shocked (disappointed? Definintely not pleased) with some of what I said. Some of the comments pointing out things like boredom, dissatisfaction, etc., weren’t so far off the mark.
Master and I had gotten into a rut of sorts. There was a lot of talk and not a lot of action – from either of us. It was too easy to put things off, to give in to the tired and the sore and the television and why-do-today-what-you-can-put-off-until-tomorrow mindset. Probably we were somewhat aware of the damage it was doing, but too far in the rut to fix it.
The really stupid thing about it all is that the fixes are so simple, so easy. The last little while we’ve both been kinda dumbstruck with the sheer simplicity that we so thoroughly missed. We’re looking at each other and going “that was it??”
For the first time in very close to a year I’ve had a slight return of the desire and hope and expectation. All of those things I had buried and turned off, things I would pull out maybe one at a time, but never together, I can feel swimming around under the surface. It’s a little scary yet to let them all come out at once, once burned twice shy and all of that nonsense, but to know it’s not dead is pretty spectacular.
Basically all we did was remove the distractions and make a few purchases.
Maybe all of you do this, maybe none of you do, but you know how when you’re kinky and you’re walking through a store, you look at things differently? Instead of only focusing on the intended purpose of an object, you cock your head and wonder how it can be perverted? Clamps are picked up and pinched experimentally on the webbing between your thumb and finger, rope is fondled, instruments are whacked against palms and always there are the secret looks and waggled eyebrows and grins and giggles between the two of you?
Yeah, we’d stopped doing that. Completely. He would try and I would just shake my head, not engage in the banter. Because there were (are) about 100 items sitting at home that had never been touched. Bought in the same manner, the same “oh this looks fun! I could pervert this!”, taken home and sat on a shelf and never used. There would be plans, talk, diagrams, discussions.. and no delivery.
No delivery = no hope = no interest = boredom.
I’m certainly not laying the blame at Master’s feet. I was just as apathetic as He was. I was tired, and while I was perfectly happy to complain about what HE wasn’t doing, I took zero initiative to do anything myself.
Part of what has helped, believe it or not, was removing the possibility of certain things. When it’s not there mocking me with it’s un-use, I can’t long for it. I don’t have to tamp down the desire. I don’t have disappointment because I don’t have expectation for specific activities. Because they can’t happen. It’s not His choice not to do it, it’s not the kids or time or too tired or any of the 800 excuses that were used. It simply cannot happen.
I’m not lying in bed staring up at dusty eyebolts in the ceiling. I’m not walking past the unopened cunt cupboard 20 times a day. The toy closet is not here. I’m not reminded in a thousand different ways of what I *could* have.
There is no television in our bedroom now. I think having a t.v. in a bedroom is the worst thing for a relationship. It was a distraction, something else to pay attention to instead of each other. We’ve fucked more since we’ve moved here than we did in the last month or two before. It was too easy to crawl in bed, flip on the tv and get interested in a program or a movie and not get interested in each other.
There is no computer in the bedroom. We have an office and the computer is very much removed now from the rest of our house. You know what would happen when the comp was in the bedroom? One of us would pop on “just to check mail!” when the other would be getting into bed. And we all know what happens with internet time, right? The one in bed, usually me, would already be sawing logs before the other had finished. And then! To make matters worse, rather than wake the sleeping one up for satisfaction? Masturbation. We were just so *kind* to each other, you know? The “aww, she’s sleeping. She has to work tomorrow so I’ll just take care of myself. I love her too much to wake her up for a quick fuck. Poor precious sleepy-head”.
I cannot even detail with any accuracy the chasm that was forming. The disconnect.
I’m not even sure it’s fully felt when you’re in it. Not until later, like now, when it’s not there and you realize just how much you’ve missed, how far apart you drifted.
The purchase that made the other huge difference was a new bed. I’m not going to say what the whole bedroom set cost because there is this other blogger that I read now and then and she’s always talking about how much money they make or what they spent on this or that and I find that really tacky (imagine that. Me finding something tacky. Heh.) so all I will say is that it cost a lot. But it was totally worth it.
The other bed that we had, that I loved purely for it’s bondage opportunities, was an old iron-barred thing. And it was small, just a standard double sized bed. Master is 6’4″ tall. He didn’t even FIT on the bed. Plus it was so. noisy. It creaked like a rusty swing set. Anyone in the house knew what we were doing on that bed. More often than not we’d move to the floor just to avoid the “ummmmm.. I know what you two were doing last night!” comments from the peanut gallery in the morning. But being old and tired with achy joints made the floor not-so-appealing sometimes. :-( And the new bed also has bars for bondage purposes. *beams*
When we went to the furniture store, Master flat out told the salesman that He wanted a bed that was absolutely silent, AND told him why(!), while I hid my face behind the newspaper advertisement. Srsly. The man has no shame. How embarrassing.
He bought a king-size bed. Besides His size and wanting to actually fit on it, there was another reason why He went big. He’s always had a preference for me to sleep inbetween His legs, using His cock as a perverted pacifier. It’s something that we’ve previously only been able to do when we’d spend the night in a hotel because they always have the big beds there. In our old bed, try as we might, there was just no way to arrange ourselves with any comfort (for Him) for me to lay between His legs. This bed? Could have 3 sluts between His legs with room to spare I think. The bed is ginormous. I can lay across it sideways and still not be off either edge. Master laughs at me when He sees me lying in it alone. He says it swallows me. Feels like it too! I feel like I could get lost in it.
(Master said I couldn’t ‘girlify’ His stuff. :-( )
(tee hee. We has a peeping tom-cat)
Needless to say, the return to the ritual of nightly blow jobs while He relaxes with a book, curling up with my head on His thigh and His cock in my mouth, focusing not on grocery lists or work stuff, but only on how to fall asleep without biting – major improvement in head space, lemme tell ya. My jaw is sore! But I’d rather have that than the inner turmoil I was in before.
Speaking of work, now that I’m not working, it’s pretty clear how much that affected what we had going on, too. It wasn’t just having a job because clearly people work and maintain relationships. It’s not that I think M/s can’t be done when combined with a job at all. But the specific hours of the job I had when combined with the service portion of what it is that He wants, it was literally a death sentence to OUR M/s style. There are two times of the day when my service to Him is personal, meaningful, and important. The early morning when I make His breakfast, serve Him coffee, pack His lunch and be generally available for whatever He wants/needs, and at the end of the day when He’s going to bed. He likes His feet lotioned and massaged, His back rubbed, and His cock sucked at night.
Both of those times of the day were shot with the job I had. I was at work before He even got up and I was snoring before He was even ready for bed. That’s not to say that I won’t have a job here, if the right one comes along, it just won’t be one that can interfere as that one did. And He’s said that me working is not a necessity nor a priority. He wants me to focus on Him and on improving service. No more tired and cranky, no more feeling imposed upon, no more falling asleep before He’s satisfied, no more distractions.
He moved here with a clear plan in mind and it appears to be working out considerably well. I’m sure there will be ebbs and flows here too. I’m sure we’ll be revisiting things as we always seem to do. It’s just nice to be in a semi-stable and comforting place. I’m going to work on staying here for a while.
I’m off to mud drywall. Is there a more tedious and messy task than that? Ugh.
~cunt
Tags: M/s rambles
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Wednesday September 3rd, 2008 8:52am
You sound so happy! It sounds like a great decision was made and everything is turning out beautifully. Speaking of which your new home is gorgeous from what we have been allowed to see. I just love that new bed. Are we going to get the grand tour when you get done with all the nasty mudding?
I don’t know how many pictures He’ll let me post. I’d have posted every angle, every shot, the whole damn thing by now. Hell, I’d have invited y’all over for a party if He’d have let me! So we’ll see. :-)
i’m soooo happy for you :)
that bed looks yummy and comfy :)
It is SO comfy, omg. I feel so spoiled in it!
I love the new bed. Everything is soooooo pretty. Congrates again on the new house.
Thank you, mija. :-)
Dang, the new house looks just lovely. Congrats.
And speaking of beds, have you ever seen this?
http://www.thebondagebed.com/home.html
Lee,
That’s incredible. My characters in my stories are so going to have to buy one of those for their room. So totally cool!
Dave
There was a bed similar to that one in the furniture store. It had the same basic frame style, though I’m sure it probably didn’t convert to such awesome pervertedness. It was one that Master seriously looked at.
I’m glad He chose the one we have though. I like it. :D
Yeah, it’s a beauty :)
WOW, what a bed (and what a bed cat). It seems pretty symbolic of the changes you’re both swimming through, and your post is making me think hard. I know I’m not swimming in your pool just yet, but there are certain elements of what you’re describing that I most definitely understand and share these days. Enabling the lifestyle is just as easy as getting out of our own ways, I think…
Anyhow, what a great post. Thanks.
“enabling the lifestyle”
I like that. Imma think on that.
This post filled me with a warm glow. I’m so happy for both you and Master S!
Long may this upward trend last! :)
(And it really is a lovely bed!)
And thank you for the link, darling. ;-)
Kaya, I’ll second Zille, I’m really pleased for you.
Warm hugs,
Paul.
Thank you Paul. :-)
Wow. This post really made me think about BDSM and class privilege (ie how not working/ purchasing stuff seems to be integral to longterm staying power). Lots to chew on. Thank you.
Well I don’t know about purchasing stuff being integral to staying power, but not working might. I’m not sure. I don’t know many longterm M/s couples, to be honest.
That bed is fabulous! Sure beats what we currently do… mattress and box on the floor ;P
You seem so much happier since your move. Since you moved further north have you tried to find local groups again?
We have! There is one that we’ll probably check out pretty soon. :-)
“. . .It’s not that I think M/s can’t be done when combined with a job at all.”
oh i don’t know – i thinks it just might not be possible.
*sigh*
i like the bed. i like the house. Yyour backyard looks like Oours, except it’s missing a beaver pond.
peace, MSk
I was thinking chickens would go well in the backyard!
Oh but your relationship is so much better….
Even at it’s worst, it’s still way better than an online relationship.
How boring and sad must YOUR life be that you’re still going on about a post from 2 or 3 weeks ago. Poor thing. You need a hobby.
Why are you so jealous of kaya? The fact that you are still upset over her post from a few weeks ago, well, it reaks of envy and jealousy. Did that post hit home for you? I believe so.
Omg. You SO need to start deleting these comments by Ms Anonymous. What a twit.
Anyhow…
I’m glad things are goin’ well, kaya. Miss ya muchly but if you had to go and move, at least it was to a better, bigger place that’s put YOU in a better space. :)
xoox
*snort* why? I can take one for the team. ;-)
You’ll have to come visit sometime. We’d love to have ya.
Kaya,
I can sympathize with your Master on the too-tall-for-the-bed- issue. I haven’t slept in a bed longer than I am since reaching full growth. Not enough money. That will change soon (I hope). You know, I see so many bondage possibilities with that bad.
I’m so happy that things are looking up for you two. Everyone falls into ruts, and like you said, you don’t even realize how the rut is affecting you until it isn’t yet. I suspect it’s the old from in the water thing, you can boil a frog if you heat the water slowly because it won’t realize it’s being cooked (Is that really true?). But, surprise surprise (not really), your Master knows what he’s doing. Go figure. ;)
Dave
I wonder if that is true. Not that I’m going to try! But as an analogy, it makes sense.
Indeed, the bed has lots of possibilities. ;-)
I know it’s been said about 20 times by now, but I’m very, very happy for you :)
You sound great, and it sounds like your Master’s feeling pretty great, too. Even your kids are doing well and liking this adjustment. Yay you!
And srsly… that bed looks awesome, lol. It’s adorable that it swallows you whole, and lovely for him that he actually fits on it now. Have tons of fun breaking it in (as I’m sure you will ;)
Thank you Brooke. :-)
I love your bed, and your tone. And I’m glad that things are falling back into place for the two of you. You both deserve it!
You SHOULD have a party!
:)
Would you come if I did? :D
Duh!
I’m having a sex toy party next week? Wanna come?
I was happy to hear the TV is not in the bedroom. I’m lucky in that our bedroom is too small for a TV – the bed fills most of the space! :) I so agree with you when you say that a television in the bedroom is the worst thing for a relationship.
I’m so looking forward to seeing what outdoor adventures you have! I’m glad the move went well!
Radha
I wonder how well the sound will travel here now that I’ve read your post. I also wonder how much I care. ;-)
eff it. I am getting my ass beat tonight no matter how tired I am, no matter what is showing on tv. thanks for inspiring me to put an end to this draught!
*grins* Have fun! ;-)
I am so happy for you and so jealous(but in the good way) of that bed of yours!
Thanks!
the house & bed are beautiful kaya. Mistress liked that your Master said you couldn’t “girlify” his stuff. i am restricted from using lace/flowers/pink on our bed.:(
sending you warm wishes to you both in your new home:)
Sometimes not being allowed to ‘girlify’ is really hard for me. I’m that kind of girl, all flowers and lace and pink pretty fluffy pillows. But giving up my girly-style is a small price to pay for being His. ;-)
The house is beautiful and you sound so happy! And I’m wet about the whole idea of you using your Master’s cock as a perverted pacifier – it needs to happen in this house! So what’s the best position for this, is he on his back, his side, or? Need to know so can try it right away!!
Joe’s Slut
He is on His back, legs spread and I lie down between them with my head resting on one thigh and His cock in my mouth. It’s quite fun!
Absolutely beautiful bed!
I love the frame. It’s so intricately designed.
Thank you!
“And the new bed also has bars for bondage purposes. *beams*”
I see what you did there.
You did not.
Congrats on the new house and the new bed. The bed is huge, I want a big bed, couple weeks ago when we stayed in a hotel we had a king size bed, so much room was nice!!
When you have done the pacifier thing, is it awakward to do that? I served someone at one time that wanted to do that, but we ever did, so I’m curious, oh bother, I’m nosey! :)
It’s not awkward really. It can get uncomfortable just because I’m holding my mouth open for so long and my jaw gets tired, but the position itself is comfortable for the rest of my body. We do actually fall asleep so it’s clearly comfortable and relaxing for both of us. ;-)
ps. Glad to read that your move is going decently too. Moving SUCKS!
I hear you on the bed issue! M and I just recently upgraded from a slightly-smaller-than-a-double bed to a queen bed, and HOLY SHIT. It’s absolutely amazing. I look at the tiny bed now, and can’t believe that we ever both slept in it, let alone had Pirate in there some nights.
Also, thanks for the post about getting into a rut. It helped me think about a lot of things. =)
Oh I know. And we slept in that smaller bed for years! We’re all kinds of sprawled out these days. :D
Ruts just sneak up on ya, don’t they? Like I said, I don’t think we even realize it’s there until it’s gone.
i’m really really pleased for you both that things are picking up for you, post move.. and OMG i love your bed. I also know what you mean about the bed issue, not so much cos BP wants me to sleep between his legs, but.. at home we have a double kingsize bed (looks about the same size as yours, i think, its square anyway) and there’s tons of room when we both sleep in it.. we’re just back from the Netherlands where we stayed in the spare room at his parent’s house, which is a titchy lil double sized bed, and lordy, we were cramped in it, and quite glad to get home (and i now find it totally unbelieveable that for the first six months of our relationship we slept together in a single bed. don’t ask me how, but we managed it.. ).
Anyway. good to hear the more positive tones to your posts :)
*hugggggggs*
keth
xx
Oh god keth. A single bed?! I don’t think I could sleep in one of those all by myself..lol
I think I love your kitchen….in mine you have to be either in love or lust to have two people in it, lol. Having been in the UP during the spring, don’t ever get tied up outside on the lovely deck of yours. The no-see-ems will drain your blood in seconds! Seriously, looks like your having fun and remenbering that your in love. Life tends to make us forget that. I make it a point to take one “us” weekend a month, even if it is just one night, so we can remenber what we are like. Have fun! The Prof
very nice bed – and nice to see you are posting about what matters – yup, I agree that you don’t know what was missin till it shows back up at your doorstep.
Luv the pyramid/slave picture, and Luvvvvv the bed! I want one!
Happy for you. I want the bed! Its beautiful.
Gorgeous bedroom set but why is the bed NOT facing the window?
Having it against that wall where the window is isn’t my preference. That it can’t even be centered with the window niggles at my brain something awful. Unfortunately, that’s the only wall that would accomodate the bed along with the two end tables. One wall is all closet, the other wall has the bathroom door and the other wall has the bedroom door.
But we open the curtains and look out at the stars at night cuz we’re corny romantic like that. :D
Believe me, He’s getting His exhibitionist itch scratched plenty without posing me in the window..lol
I love your blog, but the “slavery gets things done” weirds me out! I’ve often thought: how can american bdsmers separate themselves from the awful truth of historical slavery. And yet here it is invoked as a funny. How do we square a personal choice with what it obviously comes from: the fetishization of racial slavery?
just thinkin’
I’m thinking about this. It’s a great lead in to another topic on my mind so I’ll post about it as soon as The Boss gives me time. :-)
Have a shirt to go with your picture-
http://www.tshirthell.com/funny-shirts/slavery-gets-shit-done/
I love that bed!!! :)
I’m glad to see that you and yours are doing well. I’ve been away because I’ve been less than healthy but I’m trying to get back. The photos of the house and the bed are wonderful!