Demographics
In the four days since the ass fucking clip has been added to the clip store, it’s become the most popular clip, selling more in these 4 days than any of the other clips. Call me crazy but I think people like to see it.
Which leads me to speculate on the attraction to it. Not from my end, as I already know my own attraction to it, but on the part of the buyer. Unfortunately, what I don’t know is if the people buying it are readers here or if they’re random porn surfers of the clips4sale site.
I’ve pointedly not asked what people think of the clips because there is always a flashing red neon sign in my head going “THEY SUCK!! THEY SUCK!!” and as soon as someone would confirm that, what is already a difficult task- putting them up for sale and then advertising them here- will only become more difficult. So I’m not asking! (yes I am). No. I’m not. Honest. I don’t want to know. Fer realz.
I suspect that people are more intrigued by the notion of forcing someone into sex, or beating them past “oooh that hurts, do it again!”, past safewords and tears and snot than is admitted. I so often feel that what we do isn’t widely accepted, is frowned on even within the so-called “community” of perverts… I just don’t feel like I fit in. So when the evidence, by way of a quick-selling video clip, comes along, it makes me think that perhaps it’s not as taboo as people pretend. Or it may still be taboo, but not so much that people don’t want to watch it/hear about it.
The clips that sell the best are those where I end up crying or begging for mercy (that never comes!), the clips that sell the least are the ones where I’m a happy, willing participant.
I think this says something important! I just have to figure out what it is. ;-)
I don’t think that we’re edgy or extreme. I don’t even think that what we do is “hardcore” (maybe the tit nailing was edgy. Maybe not.). I can’t even figure out why it is that people *think* we’re edgy.
Is it because I don’t present everything all wrapped up in a neat little happy-package? I’m not all about love and happiness and floating away on a cloud of blissful submission? Not that, if that’s what you feel, you shouldn’t present it that way. It’s just not how I see things a lot of the time and there has to be something that makes what I say different than what someone else says because there is a clear and noticeable difference in the reactions that I will get compared to the reactions someone else will get when they make a post of practically the exact same physical event.
It is not okay to have an honest discussion about something, a session or a difficult facet of submission, unless you cover it up with flowers and bunny tails and smiley faces and scatter it throughout with reassuring those reading of how happy-happy-HAPPY you are. Inevitably someone, somewhere, will cut you down for finding struggle in submission, for honestly saying that sometimes it sucks and sometimes it hurts and sometimes, god dammit, you want a break or a free pass or to tell your own Dom to fuck right off cuz you aren’t in the mood to hurt today… it’s just never okay to share those things. Someone will decide you’re being abused at the first sign of displeasure. And that’s bullshit. I hate that.
Anyway, I’m getting sidetracked.
Before Master left we were having a discussion (okay, it was a heated debate) about submission and about pain and about getting that which we need out of this relationship. And I said to Him, for the 100th time (or so I thought) that I am NOT a submissive. In a moment of brutal honesty where caution was thrown to the wind, I admitted that I HATE service, that I loathe every minute of fetching that glass of water and lotioning those feet and… the list was lengthy.
I HATE it except for when I don’t have any choice in the matter.
And this is a crucial point that He and I seem to stumble over routinely. Except for when I don’t have any choice in the matter. I do not want to submit. I don’t get pleasure out of willfully submitting. I don’t find joy in service for the sake of service.
I get pleasure out of doing it when there is an ax over my head. I find joy in it when I can weigh it against the consequence of not doing it. I am satisfied in my service when I can say to myself “cunt, you HAVE to because there is no other alternative”.
As soon as I know that, feel it, believe it, I am the happiest, most productive little slavegirl you will ever see. You take away that threat.. and I’m a deflated and angry bitch, stomping around doing shit that I hate.
Though I recognize that that puts a lot of work on Master’s shoulders and so I try and control that. This ties in to the punishment posts I’ve been making. Keeping those consequences (punishments) as a constant is tiring. I know this. But I’m not a robot and sometimes, the worst of me gets the better of me. I lash out, searching for that wall, searching for the consequences, the motivators. Sometimes I find it (Him), sometimes He pulls back and expects me to submit for submission’s sake, to serve for the sake of service. Sometimes I succeed, sometimes I fail.
But one thing that I rely on, through whatever period of angst I may or may not be in regarding service, is the violent, non-caring, detached and *forced* aspect of our scenes. In that one area, in those small moments of time (because who ever has enough scene time? Not me!) I get to not battle those demons, I get to not work so hard at submission.. and I get to be tied up, or not, and I get to cry, or not, and I get to whimper and wail and beg and plead, and I get to have submission ripped from my body in exactly the manner that I need it to be.
We may struggle on the whole punishment vs. pure submission vs. service aspect, but at least we click when it comes to scenes. I can count on Him looking past the physiognomical reactions to the pain and “getting” what it is that I need; the brutality, the objectification, the debasement. Those light little play sessions full of slap and tickle and hot sex… I don’t WANT that crap. I want hot and heavy and I want to be fucked like a whore.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again-
I don’t want to submit. I want to be conquered.
(And I got sidetracked again, far from my original thought, so it’s time to give it up I think.)
~cunt
LikeTags: general, M/s rambles
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday May 20th, 2008 2:09pm
This sounds exactly like something I could have written. I too don’t always like the service part of submission. I want a free pass sometimes just to slack off and do what I want to do. Like you, I’m happiest when there is an axe over my head making me do the things I don’t enjoy because then I enjoy it! The line “I don’t want to submit, I want to be conqured” sums it up the best. I greatly appreciate the honesty you share with us about your life and how it’s not all sunshine and roses. It’s nice when we can all be honest and admit that slavery isn’t always pretty, easy or fun.
*nod nod nod*
it’s so interesting when we whittle down our own psychologies to figure out the why’s and the how’s. yeah – i think part of the attraction is the knowledge of the story behind it, that’s it *real*. not role-play-rape or whatever. it’s one thing to play at it, it’s another to be turned on by it, it’s another to know it’s actually real. personally, i’m hella interested in seeing it, but i haven’t convinced myself yet that it’s morally the right thing to do. get off on someone’s actual rape? hm. haven’t figured that out yet. anyhoo.
the other stuff here, well, the more i try to carve out a niche of words i feel comfortable with, the words seem to skip away. i’ve only come to realize the limitations of the english language.
I don’t think anyone seeing it would even recognize it for what it is. At least, not without having first heard my feelings at the time. It looks a certain way to me, because I was there.. not so to someone stumbling upon it I think.
I can see how you want the idea of having a choice.. NOT be a choice.
In theory, I feel the same way. But once I have to face it, I back down. Ive not found my place in this world of kink, bondage and spankings *and more* that I love and crave.
How have you (and others that comment) found the best way to make sense of your submission? How do you make it fit?
Im at a loss.
If I’m going to be honest, I think the best way I’ve found it to make sense is to stop trying to make it make sense. It’s just never going to. The why’s and all that? No answers.
I’m not exactly sure what your question is about making it fit. Do you mean making it fit in a “vanilla” world, making it fit with other relationships, how do we “do it” around kids and jobs and all of that? Or are you asking on a much more base level, as in how to make it fit with your partner?
I don’t know a whole lot about you and your parner, or where he lies on the kink-scale, whether the two of you even so much as dabble in bdsm or what it means to either of you. I don’t know how much you are comfortable sharing either, but without knowing some of it, I wouldn’t even know where to begin offering suggestions on anything. So.. care to share? :-)
Well, if you look at it strictly from a business end, rape porn sells big. Certain Russian companies make millions off the rape fantasy genre. “Ass rape” has a pretty high search ratio in google. So, yeah, the question is who the hell is buying all this rape porn when so many make a fuss if you even mention the word. ;)
Yeah! My question exactly!
Kaya,
Yes, you have said it before, but it bears repeating, this craving to be brutally conquered. I can’t say whether the submission you crave is the “norm” or not (whatever the hell “norm” is). What I can tell you is that the so called extreme BDSM story is the most popular type of erotica, so much so that there is at least one web site devoted to it exclusively. Authors like Stryker and Powerone are able to write and sell plenty of it. People seem to want to read/see that taken against their will domination. I can’t say why, as I generally don’t go for that style myself; I certainly don’t write that style. Maybe it’s the whole accident on the road head craning thing.
I can’t say which subtype is more popular, the “take her so brutally until she craves it” or the “take it by force and throw her away when you’re done” style of extreme BDSM. Both sell well, however, well enough that people keep writing both. The site I sell on maintains best seller lists for hard and extreme BDSm seperately from other erotica because, according to our webmaster, a single list would push all the non-hard/extreme stories off the list.
What is my point? It doesn’t surprise me at all that your most popular videos are the ones where you hate it while it’s going on. You’re meeting a need out there, one that I suspect society would be horrified to discover exists. Well, society can just get used to itself. From a Christian standpoint, we’re a fallen species with dark and evil urges and thoughts. There’s a lot of argument about whether erotica/porn causes sexual violence. I don’t believe it. The urges to commit those reprehesible actions is there in every one of us (“I ought to pimp slap the bitch”). What kames us better people is that we don’t act on them (outside of consensuality). The sicko that takes porn as permission was going to anyway, the porn is an excuse. What your videos, and I suspect extreme BDSM stories, does, I hope, is maybe subdue that urge for someone out there.
So, if someone thinks that you’re the epitamyu of evil for what you and your Master do in the privacy of your bedroom/dungeon, fuck em! What you do isn’t evil and it doesn’t cause evil in the world. While it’s not my, or many other’s cup of tea, I suspect that some of the things I’m into aren’t your cup of tea either (such as 30+ years of abstinence). And, if you ever do start doing things that hurt others against their will, I’ll let you know. ;)
Dave
Oops, forgot to click the keep me notified button
Dave
I wonder what a video clip of 30+ years of abstinence would look like. ;-)
Honestly, that *amazes* me because it’s not anything that I could ever do. Never. Ever. I struggle with 30 MINUTES.
But I assume you, um, yanno, take matters into your own hands now and then? Right? :P
Kaya,
In a word, BORING! It would be like watch the grass NOT grow in the desert. And yes, I have things well in hand, with a little visual help from friends and strangers. :P
Dave
Just curious, is S getting what he needs as well? What is it that he is seeking? Does he want you to “submit” and do the service things you loathe? I guess what I am asking is does he want you to be one of those “smiling happy doormatish” type slaves or like you said in a previous post, your might stamp a little foot when asked to do something and yet you will of course do what is asked of you.
Quite simply put – I don’t know.
I’m not sure He much cares how I submit (whether I’m doing it because of the consequences, whether I’m doing it because I want to, or whether I’m doing it when I *don’t* want to) as long as at the end I am submitting.
And I think there are times when He might enjoy being all Billy Bad Ass and holding that ax over my head, just as there are times when He’s tired and isn’t willing to “play that game”, so to speak, and just wants me to do what the hell I’m supposed to do.
We miscommunicate and we misunderstand each other, and we wind up in vicious, unproductive cycles because of that. This is one of them. I think He and I have very different styles that we are trying to blend together. And it’s difficult, to say the least. But not impossible, and not unworthy of the effort. It keeps thing pretty darn interesting (for us anyway)!
in my humble opinion…i’d much prefer a nasty truth then a pretty falsehood anyday. Writing your truth, speaking your truth seems only slightly less difficult then living it and you deserve credit for all of them.
fown
Thank you, fown. :-)
I would much rather come here and read something real, what you really like, whether it’s “taboo” or not.
I sometimes feel the same way, that I need the ax to get me motivated.
Thank you. :D
there are two things i had to comment on this one
1:
“The clips that sell the best are those where I end up crying or begging for mercy (that never comes!), the clips that sell the least are the ones where I’m a happy, willing participant”
personally, i think the reason that people want these is that these are fantasys that poeple don’t get to live out in real life. many of us with subs or slaves will hold back, keep from going to these extremes. but it still burns in us all, and this is fuel for the fire.
2:
“Though I recognize that that puts a lot of work on Master’s shoulders and so I try and control that. This ties in to the punishment posts I’ve been making. Keeping those consequences (punishments) as a constant is tiring.”
i hate to say it, but really, this is the role of a master. he is the one who must devise and administer your punishments, you are the one that takes it. and, while you are “enjoying” what he does to you, he’s enjoys doing it just as much as you do(or more so). it’s a big job, but it’s a labor of love hehehe
Lots of good points! Thank you. You gave me things to think about. :-)
Kaya, May I qoute a chunk of this post? The part about not wanting to submit? It spoke volumes, but was something I could not put in words.
I’d like to do a post about it.
~~jane
Of course you can, sweetheart.
I don’t now about your not being submissive, kaya, it may depend upon how you wish to define ‘submissive’. Have you read the essay on the theory of reactance (http://www.enslavement.org.uk/reactance)on IE yet?
“a submissive is normally around a baseline level of reactance in everyday life, and therefore experiences a certain level of reactance-induced stress, anxiety etc, just from the usual restrictions that physicality and every day life impose(…)
Alternatively, her Master may deny her the use of chairs, may insist she kneels or stands, or must ask for permission to move, and so restrict her and raise her reactance according to the importance of the freedom she has been denied(…)
The Theory of Reactance predicts that as these restrictions of important freedoms are increased, then her reactance, stress, and anxiety increase.” and “This usually takes the form of feelings of hostility towards the person threatening or removing the freedom.”
Just as you described. You do not *want* to perform service and it may even make you angry because you’re already tired or you’re simply doing something more interesting/useful than for instance, fetching him a glass of water.
“Only when all her attempts to restore the freedom have failed and she is on the point of being convinced of the fact, does she reach the peak reactance at this critical level of restriction. Once this is reached, further restriction (including further realisation of how restricted she is) pushes her from the reactive into the helpless region, and her reactance collapses.(…)
the slave’s level of reactance and stress in the helpless region may be lower than the baseline reactance that she experiences in everyday life. For the slave – in contrast to the subjects normally considered by psychologists – being pushed over the reactance peak and forced into helplessness at the hands of another person, perhaps aided by “whips and chains”, is a deeply positive experience, even a need.”
Hm. That’s interesting. I have read that before but never with this particular aspect in mind.
I need to think on it as it raises a whole lot of other thoughts. Thank you!
You know, I have sort of the opposite experience….well HAD. When I was with BG, I LOVED to serve him, absolutely every part of it. I was so totally deep in my subspace that I woke up every morning wanting and needing to serve him. It was….my total life. I had no ambitions but to do what he wanted, said, asked, demanded. Then, after he abused me in a manner that I could not wrap my mind around (showing that he did NOT in fact, love me) I left and entered into marriage with a totally NOT demanding man who wants to serve ME. Now, I do not want to serve him in the same manners, but yet still crave the sexually demanding Master I once had. It is an interesting dichotomy for my brain to wrap around. How could I at one time have gotten life’s breath from serving every second and then now have disgust for the idea, but yet still want to be a fuck toy? Uggghh, so confusing!
Your previous partner tainted all of your good service feelings by his act of abuse. It’s no wonder you view service with disgust now. It was something you enjoyed about a relationship that soured in a traumatic way. But sex.. now kinky sex is just fun all the way around. At least you still have that!
i was stopping by to tell you that i’m spending the day in the edgy tasks you were doing the last time you posted! move burn pile remains; clean bathrooms; dust – edgy stuff.
And i guess the difference between us is that i AM a submissive slave. Throughout my life when someone in authority has said something in That Tone of Voice, i cave. Until i discovered the Life, i didn’t know why. It’s f** up my life on more than one occasion. i do enjoy serving and at the same time, there are STILL days when i want a free pass. i think that part is human nature.
hugs, MSk
Generally, when someone uses “that” tone on me who isn’t Master (and I haven’t previously been told by Master to watch myself) I’ll give it right back – and then some.
But yeah.. free passes should come with the handbook. ;-)
very often Master and I decide to take a shortcut… skip the submission game and go straight for the punishment and rough, lusty sex… he doesn’t even need a reason for punishing me… the fact that we both enjoy it is a good enough reason…
Sounds like a damn good plan to me!
I find that I go round and round in circles in my own head with this issue.
I’m thinking…”he shouldn’t have to work to have a submissive, he shouldn’t have to watch over me, i should just do it all right away and happily..He’s the Master”
And then my brain says “well, YOU have to still be subby when you are tired, or sick, or not in the mood….why does HE get to opt out because of those things”
Then back to step one, and on and on.
I do feel, however, and I’ve expressed this to him, that we are both either in it 24/7 or we are both not. If that makes sense. Master or sub, I feel like it doesn’t gel unless you are both putting the same hours in. It’s all very well saying “well, I am the Master so I can do Mastery stuff when I can be bothered”….but in reality that just doesn’t work.
I feel like being a Master is a little like being a parent, or a pet owner. You can’t turn away from the responsibilties it brings because you are too tired, etc.
Now, I really really really am not directing this at S….at all. It was, mostly, a general whinge at my Master because he won’t see it here :P
BUT….I do feel that sometimes Masters get away with slacking on Masterly duties….just a little….just a meeny weeny tad….and then use the whole “well, I’m the Master” line. I have to admit to being more mouthy than is good for me, and often tell mine “Don’t expect an omlette if you can’t even be bothered to whip the eggs!”
I swear to God I was thinking the *exact* same thoughts when this came in. Word for word. I was even planning a post. I may quote some of what you said in it, if you don’t mind. :-)
Sure, go right ahead :)
i understand exactly what you are talking about. i am quite the opposite of you when it comes to submission. i am just a submissive by true nature and want to do everything i can to please someone on my own. It is difficult under law so to speak.
And as far as the clips, personally i think that people do not want to admit that they truly enjoy that type of sex. A lot of people are in denial. i was for a long time. If they admit that they like it/ enjoy it then they are doing something dirty and wrong. Hiding it from themselves. Denying themselves. Making for a more unhappy society. Just like you feeling judged. Some just won’t ever accept it for scared of persecution, rejection and/or judgment.
On another note. i have really enjoyed reading your posts. New to the lifestyle it has been a comfort to connect with others out there who enjoy the same.
Hi there! I really love reading your blog today! Keep making great posts and I will come back every day!!