Can I have some cheese with my whine?
I just don’t think I want to do this anymore.
Blogging. Not bdsm.
The bdsm is fine. Actually nothing has changed since the whole expectation/desire dilemma I posted about last month. He’s not bending to my will and increasing the play or giving me that which I crave (or used to crave). He’s doing nothing differently at all. And maybe that’s what makes it better. He is consistent, if nothing else, and consistency brings about it’s own relief.
He expects that I will toe the line and so, I do.
It’s kind of funny now. I stumble across other submissive’s journals now and then where she’s detailing those things that she needs – the rules, the discipline, the structure, the use, etc. Detailing what she needs in order to remain at her “personal best in service” and I just smile… Seems like we have no idea how well we’ll remain at our “personal best in service” regardless of what it is we think we need. Regardless of what we don’t get.
I had all of these things in mind when I first was drawn to bdsm. The things that I thought would make me feel owned, make me feel submissive and controlled and used. Turns out I wasn’t right on a single one of them. Not one.
Oh, not that those things of my early fantasies don’t make me feel *something* when I get them. They sure do. I feel lots of things. Pain and fear and arousal and humiliation – just to name a few. But those things don’t drive home the truth of being what I am. They’re too fleeting, too… superficial.
Here’s something that makes me feel owned. Master calling my place of employment, telling them that I have too many things to do at home to continue working there and that, as of that moment, I was finished.
Master informing me that my things to do at home involve packing up the entire house because we’re moving to another state. In a matter of weeks.
Him driving me to said state, pulling up in front of a house I’d never seen before and saying “here is where you’re going to live”. Him pointing out the seclusion, the isolation, the surrounding wilderness with that wicked little gleam in His eye and uttering ‘cunt in a cage’.
And then He left, traveling, leaving me with detailed instructions on what to do and how to do it and not once, for one second, does it even occur to Him that I will either not do it, or not do it right.
Sometimes I don’t know what to make of that kind of level of confidence and certainty. I don’t possess that. I don’t know how He does. Sometimes I think I want to see it falter, if only to reassure myself of His humanity. But I suppose I do better, convinced as I am, that He’s a God trapped in human form.
So. Not a single stroke. Not one tear. No sexual acts or golden showers or hours spent locked away. No nothing. Yet I’ve never felt more like property, never felt more powerless, never believed so deeply that I am owned, forever and ever amen, as I do right now.
As I was saying about blogging. I just don’t know where it fits in anymore. I don’t need it as I used to, it’s ceased to serve a purpose, except perhaps one of mild frustration. My life is traveling it’s course, the course mapped out by Him some several years before. The pieces are falling into place, the time is coming at a rapidly exceeding pace.
I no longer fight it or try to make sense of it. So why?
For now, the short and easy answer is because He’s not told me I can quit yet. I don’t know if, or when, He will. But if He did, I’d be ready.
I guess it goes without saying that the next couple of weeks will be pretty busy for me. I’m going to ask for a posting reprieve (again). You all have a good one. Maybe I’ll see ya on the flip side.
~cunt
Tags: blogging
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Tuesday August 5th, 2008 12:04am
um… blink … holy shit! …. :)
Good luck. When we moved, I wanted to move. I don’t know that I wanted to be where we ended up – he decided that. But I still had to do 99% of the packing, working, single parenting (he was gone already), real estate crap and everything else under the sun. And then the opposite at the other end. Bah.
I wanted to ask – are you able to discuss how your kids feel about all this?
Regarding slavery, your words above reminded me of something MasterJake wrote on Fetlife yesterday. It’s been running through my mind most of the day (although I would substitute wife for slave to fit Chris’s preferences):
“I think it is a matter of knowing that if you screw up you won’t cease to be a slave, you will be punished…. The slave’s job then becomes much simpler, please your Master and screw what anyone else thinks. There is no need to try to act submissive or slavelike in order to make the bdsm community happy. If you are displeasing you will be put back in your place…. It is nice to know that nothing you can do will make you not a slave. If you act up you will simply be put back in your place. Others may see your behavior as “un-slavelike” but the only opinion that matters is your Master’s. If Master says you are slave..you are slave.”
sparkle
I am able to. But I don’t want to. It is exactly what you’d imagine it to be. Let’s leave it at that, shall we? ;-)
I like that quote. Thanks for sharing it with me. :-)
If you do go poof in the night…….. i will miss you.. i have been reading you – it seems – forever……….
some days it seems to me the “real” ones disappear… and it makes me sad.. who can the newbies read when the real ones are gone?? (or the oldies – who are glad to know there is someone else out there living the same sort of life?)
Which ever way the dice fall… i wish you best of luck in your new adventure……. new home and new area……..
morningstar (owned by Warren)
Your moving again? or was that just thoughts from that last time he did this?
Kaya, keep going people love what you write.
I have times when I ‘m not sure what to write about or when not much is really happening that in my eyes people would be interested in, but I just write when I need to and it just varies whether thats daily or weekly or what I have never tried to force myself to write anything.
In fact the reason I want you to keep going more than anything is to show people it still works after all that initial excitement, after all that exploring….and that its still just as fun if not better. Though of course don’t feel under pressure from anyone to do so if you really can’t be arsed. Apart from him of course I guess!
TG xx
if you do stop blogging, permanently, i mean… well.. its been a while coming. You’d be missed. but i know i personally would be happy knowing you’re happy, and that i’d known you at all, the time i have had knowing you, even at a remove, has been a gift. and that’s the important part.
*huggggggggssssssssss*. be happy, healthy, & content. both of you.
keth & BP.
Though you do not yet seem to have a choice, if you ever do and you seriously consider terminating your blog, consider that none of us are expecting you to be profound every single day, or post sexy pictures/sexy stories every day. (well, of course, we like that, but it’s not realistic.) You do live a busy life, and it’s interesting to read how you handle all parts of it, and it will remain interesting in the future, whether it’s controversial/questioning or not. I’m sorry if your heart is no longer in it, but try lowering your own bar and just chat with friends. I know I enjoy it, and you have a talent for bestowing “readability” on every topic—just look at what you mangaged to say about slavery with this current post.
Thanks for saying what was in my head but wouldn’t travel to my fingers. :)
Best of luck to all of you in your new endevours Kaya!
Uh. Wow. Well, if you vanish, I’ll know it’s into slavery and hopefully twoo happiness and I will naturally wish you well. But on the selfish side, I’m hoping you don’t stop blogging, because (and this really IS selfish) you are such a clear and thoughtprovoking writer that I would miss you terribly.
However it works out, though, it’s been a great, great ride, kaya. Hope to see you.
Seeker
If you do stop blogging i will miss you :(
i wish you the best in your move!
You’ve got plenty on your plate it would seem. Wishing you all the very best through the transitions. I’ve watched you grow, and I am certain that you really are ready for whatever comes next.
Hugs, swan
my warmest thoughts go out to you in the new move sweetie- it may be a bit scary, but its always a new and exciting adventure. as for the blogging- you need to do whats best for you. you will be missed so very much. i may not comment often, but i read you daily and you are so real- so thought provoking. you, along with a few others, have helped me so much learn different aspects of this lifestyle, that its not wrong, that there is nothing wrong with me for wanting the things i want.
i wish you and your Master and your family the very best in this new part of your life..i will still be here daily, reading you until the final curtain is pulled..
my warmest hugs are being sent to you,
Hisflower
Uh…WOW.. it’s the season for changes.
And because I’m a selfish bitch, I don’t want you to stop writing. Do us both a favor and imagine me pitching a fit right now, then I can skip having the actual fit.
Cuz I’m lazy like that, yanno.
Anyways, I wish all of you the best with the move, and much happiness in the new home.
Kaya
I will miss your writing very much,you have helped me through so many tuff times of my own. I wish you all the best
You will be missed ….
Patrice
“But I suppose I do better, convinced as I am, that He’s a God trapped in human form.”
Awesome, and I can so relate; I’ve actually said almost those exact words to Richard (about him, not your Master *grin*)
And wow, Kaya, that is a whole lot of happening. How exciting.
Good luck and, like everyone else posting, I will miss your blog terribly if you decide to stop. You write so clearly and thoughtfully, and you have such a fascinating relationship. Congrats on lasting this long. You should feel really proud of what you’ve accomplished here.
xoxoAmy
i will cetainly miss you if you decide to call it a day.
Your journey and journal have been a vsluable “resource” for me.
And of course I just adore reading you!!!
You are also responsible for more than one of His bright ideas!!!!
Take care of you and yours,
Will miss you, sugar!
xx
kaya, i’ve really enjoyed your writting, and i must say, yours is one of the few blogs i visit everyday. best wishes with the move, and i’ll be hoping the desire to quit blogging passes you by!
I think everyone who does this (BDSM & blogging) needs periods of silence. Sometimes we need time to just live it without writing about it or deciding not to write about it or maybe even time without thinking about it & analyzing it.
i hate moving. i’ve never done it with anyone before, but i think if i did it with daddy, i’d be able to stomach it. there’s something about doing things with his guidance that makes it bearable. because i lack confidence, and his confidence is reassuring.
i would selfishly miss you if you stopped blogging. i’m a hopeless voyeur and love what you have to say. i like watching your life. but i can’t blame you if you stopped. at this point i can’t imagine you get too much out of it except any charge out of exhibitionism. you seem stable in your relationship and your place, and the only reason i blog is for my sanity. you seem to have more of it. ;)
good luck with the move. we’ll be sorta neighbors.
Good luck with your move! I hope you, at the very least, get the blogging reprieve it sounds like you’ll need to manage to get everything done as quickly as it needs to happen.
Since I suspect that he won’t allow you to quite blogging altogether so quickly, maybe the blogging doesn’t need to be about making sense of it? You don’t need to be witty/have pictures/even be logical all the time – or even most of the time – as far as your readership is concerned. I don’t know if he has more stringent rules about content/form in general than that, but I do tend to think that one thing that less experienced subs/slaves/cunts/whatever someone calls themselves need to realize is that it doesn’t and won’t make sense and that it’s just a matter of being rather than trying to sort it all out. While I realize that your blog is not something that you write for the masses, it does serve a purpose in that way. And I hope that at the point that you do stop writing, that it’s left online so that others can still refer to it at times.
But mostly, good luck with your move!
Whatever is decided, I wish you all the best.
Kaya,
Good luck on the move. I know I hate moving, myself. As for the blog, we know who’s in control, so whatever He wants, that’s what will happen. (I will miss it though, if it goes)
Dave
So you didnt say whether the new location was warmer and didnt get snow or was more remote with possibility of bears and moutain lions and whether your going to have learn to shoot elk and deer for the winter.
kitten always wanting me to take her to warmer climate, she doesn’t likeit when l slip the cold metal chain down the inside of her nightie against her skin
kittens_master
Ok, i was totally caught off guard with the moving and admit that i’ve also been calling in busy as of late… but between catching up here and at that “other” place, i see now. Busy or not, you’ve found a peace with the crazy path life takes somehow. Just promise not to disappear with no notice, like so many others do, like i once did, bad bad bad…
Cheering for you– to new beginnings, transitions, and evolutions.
xoxx
PS- what kind of cheese is your pleasure? i gauge you at a, hmmm, mild chedder or extra sharp. You’d surprise the hell out of me if you told me you go after the over-processed velveeta!
Sorry- couldn’t resist since you left the door wide open for someone to snark on that and since i’m so cheesy when i’m tired, i couldn’t resist.
:D
Good luck on your move. Moving is always so hard, and yet.. usually liberating in a way, at the same time. It seems like Master and I just met the two of you and now you are moving away. :-( We will miss you both. At least we got to meet the two of you at least once.
If you do stop blogging, I will of course miss reading you.. but at least we all know that you are happy and with your Master/Husband. *hugs*
You know, as much as moving sucks, as an outsider looking into your life, I’m not sure that you’ve ever been as prepared for it as you are now. You seem so much more settled into your life, even if the life itself seems crazier, and I’m happy for you in that respect.
All I ask is that you don’t get rid of your archives if you would decide to stop blogging. That would be too sad to bear, but I understand the desire to stop blogging. In a way, from your writing, it simply seems like you used to need the journal – to socialize, to understand yourself and your situation, and to communicate more thoroughly with your Master. But now… I guess you could say we need you more than you probably need us :)
Okay–I thought you were referring to the move you made in the past, not an upcoming one, but the responses assuming a new move are mounting up! What gives, Miss Kaya-Thang? Clarify pleeze?
New move, yes sorry. I didn’t make that clear. Northward.
If you’re going to cease blogging, then it’s not fair to ask us all to purchase video clips of you.
um.. then don’t buy them.
Yer a weird one.
*choking* :)
weird? yeah big time
Well damn!! :-)
I, too, am sorry to hear that you may not be blogging anymore. I cannot count the times that I’ve read your stories and struggles and identified with them. I have many BDSM themed blogs and sometimes it seems that the only things that are written about are the good times. Anytime I came here to read, I knew it was real.
You posted about the good and the bad; the struggles that all of us face at one time or another on our journies through BDSM. Your posts always brought me back when I spun off into the “I suck as a slave, everyone else is so much better, I’m doing it wrong” spiral. You will be missed if you are allowed to stop writing. I’m really hoping that you don’t stop but I’m being selfish…lol.
Good luck with the move. I know what a pain it can be. At least let us know how the move goes and what not….pretty please!
Sounds like an adventure – I’d love to hear from you when you are settled – hugs – sunni_lady@yahoo.com
If its just the two of you and he does what you say he did, OK, fine. Get working on it. There are kids involved though, so schools, libraries, access to lots of things, etc are very important. I’m making a leap here on very little information but as I recall he doesn’t have kids of his own and this sounds like something I would have done prior to becoming a dad. Sometimes its hard to recall its not just about our dicks.
As to stopping your blogging. Do what you have to do but I will miss your postings if it goes that way.
Not the fucking U.P. I hope!
Kaya -
I wanted to let you know that I sent you an email, we’ve been having issues with our server, so I was not sure if you got it. AOL is not on my top 10 list this week!! Grr
I forgot to say that if you stopped blogging I would miss you bunches and bunches!!
I wish you the best of luck
Shame you’re not in Wisconsin anymore. Would have liked you to meet the penguin.
I’m going to email you