Brain Dump.
(This is more to clear my head than for anything else. If you read it be warned that it’s pretty scattered and psychotic.)
I actually had an interview. It was crazy. It took me weeks to get an application in to the place, I drove around the building (it’s a nursing home) about 3 or 4 times before giving up and going home in tears. I absolutely could not make myself go in. I was terrified, shaking, the whole bit. I ended up finding a website for the place and filling out a “job inquiry” form online. A few days later, they called. The experience that I listed qualified me for something. Not the job I normally do since I’m all expired and stuff, but something like it.
It’s a community outreach program for the elderly. Those inbetween needing nursing home care and being independent. It would involve going to their homes and cooking/cleaning, helping them with bathing. And there is an adult daycare center that I would have worked at… drove them to and from Dr. appt’s. That sort of thing.
Anyway, they called and asked me to come in for an interview.. and I did. It went okay, I was relatively normal. But I could feel the panic right there at the edge.. and I froze on some of the questions. My mind would go completely blank, you know? And I would just stare at the lady, unable to answer… getting more and more panicky. It was crazy!
The answers I kept thinking of when she would ask me a question were like.. things that had to do with slavery. Answers that I would give to Master if HE were asking me what my weaknesses were or what my strengths were, or what part of this “job” do I like/hate the most. And then I couldn’t concentrate and think of an appropriate answer to her question.
I really felt like the biggest fucking loser ever.
So anyway.. the interview ended but before she could offer me the job, there was some information that I was missing. She told me to get that stuff back to her and we’d “see from there”.
I never got the information back to her. I don’t think I could step foot back in that place.
Some days I feel really brave and I try and psych myself up for getting back out there in society. I just tell myself I’m going to get back in school and get a job and be normal and be that person that I used to be. I used to be independent! I had a job and a house and a car and I did it all on my own. I know what I (was) capable of!
And I know this is what Master is wanting from me right now. To be a second source of income. This is a service that he wants, that he’s asking for.. and that’s the biggest reason that I can’t shake the “failure! failure! failure! failure!” blinking banner in my head. And the biggest reason that I’ve pulled into myself and am.. somewhere.. not focused on slavery or service or sex or anything. That feeling of being a failure at one thing has turned me into the biggest failure – at everything.
But most days… the thought of being “out there” reduces me to tears. Tears of fear.. of shame.. of worry. Panic. I just feel like I’m drifting through the days. Waiting for… I don’t even know what. Courage or death.
So that’s where that stands. What’s going to happen remains to be seen.
There is the process of brainwashing.. which is very real. And there is the idea that part of making someone believe that they can’t leave is by eliminating the means, both the financial means and the emotional strength to do so. This all speaks to the internal enslavement stuff that I so often blather on about.
There is no doubt in my mind that that is exactly what’s going on here. Only it’s not about leaving, as in leaving the relationship because of course I don’t want that. But even if I did, the option of leaving would necessitate that I am able to take care of myself. And I am not. Not now. Not now that he’s had his hands dabbling in my psyche so deeply and for so long.
It’s the deprogramming of myself. My confidence, my abilities, my social skills. While he’s improved me in many ways, ways that soley benefit him, he’s destroyed other things, other strengths that I once possessed. Of course now it feels like I don’t possess any skills whatsoever.. but I’m sure that’s the drama queen in me, running amok.
So.. I just don’t know. I’m not sure which direction he’s going to push me in.
Tags: fears, M/s rambles
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Thursday February 7th, 2008 3:02pm
Perhaps you and He need to discuss working from home. There are lots of jobs you can do from your own house. I make a decent amount doing cam work, and I know if you actually put effort into it, you can make more.
You poor soul.
I wish I had advice, but the only kind I have is look to your Master. It’s kind of a situation that he put you there, so he can help you out.
…it’s pretty scattered and psychotic…
I think it’s very clear and I can completely relate to this when it comes to having to go somewhere public and be social.
There are times (usually when there is still an entire night between “now” and when it’s going to happen) that I am being all courageous and even looking forward to something but when it actually happens I completely panic to the point where I might even hyper ventilate or self mutilate. (I scratch myself, sometimes until I bleed, without even noticing it until I look at my hands).
This is actually one of the things that scare me the most about becoming a mother. It will force me to become more social and interact with people who expect me to be “normal”. I won’t be able to say things like “I’ll have to ask my owner first” and I will be having responsibilities that really frighten me…that thought really freaks me out.
In a perfect world, I would just be his slave locked away in the house…
Hugs.
Interesting. I’ll be back with more thoughts, right now I am digesting this.
*hugs you*
i can really relate to anxiety.
Reading this, i wonder if you have a case for disability insurance and SSI benefits due to anxiety. i know that if you have a condition that keeps you from being in the workplace, you are eligible for benefits. When you worked, you contributed to those funds (and even if you never worked – that’s what they are there for.)
The problem i’ve run into is there is a butt-load of forms and things to fill out, and every time i’ve sat down to fill them out i think “Crap! If i could do THIS, i could hold down a freakin’ job!” But, i think you have different anxiety triggers than i do, and it might be something you’d like to look into?
A work-from-home job would be ideal, too – if you could find something that pays well enough. i’ve been looking for the link to your kinky-krafts, and haven’t been able to find it. i wonder if you could list that stuff on etsy.com? They have WAY too few kinky craft stuff on that site, and it seems to get really good traffic.
Also, i don’t know if going to school trigger those same types of anxiety attacks, but there are good courses for medical transcription. i had a sister-in-law who did that, and she made a lot of money from home… just typing stuff up.
Since you haven’t been ‘out there’ for a while, it’s not surprising you’d feel fear, hesitancy, discombobulation, or other negative reactions. But…don’t attribute your reluctance to any subtle form of brainwashing because of your chosen life style.
You have to realize/remember that there is the same kind of specialized brainwashing ‘out there’ as ‘in here.’ Any outside organization is an artificial construct. That artificiality has it’s own jingoism, it’s own language, it’s own definitions of failure and success, it’s own formula for assuring worker compliance. You simply need to define it, recognize it, put it in the proper slot of your fictional reality file cabinet, and function on it’s stage for the limited duration of the scene that’s dictated.
No outside job, or even career, can either define or limit you unless to allow it. Yes, there is a limited responsibility to the job you accept, but it doesn’t make you a different person. Only your view of yourself can do that by giving unwarranted power to the artificiality of the situation. Try to look at it as you using them to achieve your goal of a second financial resource for your real life. I know – easier said than done – but you’re NOT a failure for not wanting to do something you need to do. It’s only purposefully avoiding the reality of the need that makes you a failure.
As to ‘him’ pushing you in some direction, in this instance think of yourself as the tree with him as the wind. The tree that bends in the gale neither breaks nor uproots. It simply adjusts to the magniture of changes in that force of nature while growing without regard to ‘how’ and ‘why.’ You’re still capable of everything you’ve ever done before, it’s all simply been packed away as ancient history until you need it again and you recall where you put it.
Sorry if I’m rambling, but you’re stronger than you want to think.
I definitely think a few conversations need to be had between you and him about this.
I don’t have any advice to give or suggestions to make except for that one.
If this is something that needs to happen, then you two need to discuss it and if anything, he needs to help you get ready for this leap.
That ‘destroying’? Couldn’t he have been making you stronger? You are so clearly a charming and articulate woman … how could you have attracted such an audience otherwise? I’ve been reading you for years and am not in your lifestyle at all. You just have a great voice!
Best luck and don’t leave us hanging. Unless you WANT to, that is!
One Of Your Admirers
Flashback.
I don’t know if you read the last few months of my old online journal. Serious flashback.
I sympathize. Here’s a thought. If you can’t get the thoughts of being your Master’s slave out of your head… imagine you are being filmed as you do the interview. Your Master is watching how you give your answers. The interviewer is not Him, but He is watching you handle the interviewer. Good luck!
kaya…just re-reading the comments this morning..just skimmed last nite (as i was tired from WORK and then Master home, late, so then second shift..the yummy one!..didn’t start right after the first!)
This would have helped me when i was interviewing. i did sit in the car and pump myself up that i was doing what Master wished me to do, this was in service to Him, i was adding value to His household, i wanted Him to be proud of me, etc…but next time i am in this situation i will imagine He is “watching” me..i know that would make me less likely to babble or oversell..which i know was more my problem than freezing up…less is usually more, sweetie..so don’t feel badly that you froze..just learn from your experience, process it, take it back to the One who owns you, and allow Him to help you do better for Him next time. Imagine how great it will be when you get a job and he says “GOOD GIRL!” to you!
On a different note..you will also be happy about being a role model to your daughter in balancing the inner and outer part of a woman’s life. This is something i wish i had the opportunity to do for my own girls…for the most part they only got to see the hard, tough external part…and i am concerned they are carrying the message that that’s what it means to be successful and my life experience shows having some balance is best..so just another thought to motivate you to do what you need to do.
i think if you can also accept that what you fear as much as being out there, is the erosion of your Master’s control by becoming a wage slave (and i agree, it IS very difficult to serve two masters!) and get some support from him to help you have a plan for transitioning both and out and back in..then you will feel safe..and while if feels like fear, i think it is as much about SAFETY…knowing you will still be able to come back to your safe place..not easy, but doable with support from Him who owns you. “Go work, Cunt!” is not the same as “I’m hunger, cunt..bring food.” Both require action on your part, but Master has trained you to jump to his command inside his domain, now he will need to train you to feel his control and take it with you outside, while you serve him, but in another way.
Now i’m jumping in for the big ole group HUG!
~nik
I seriously feel for you. I know how that anxiety feels but the perspective of he changed you makes it that much more acute.
On a Goofy note while I was reading the first part where you were talking about your interview I was thinking wouldnt it be funny if the lady read this entry and went oooooooo so thats whats going on with her : )Then she would totaly get why you froze and had a hard time and give you the job.
*BIG hugs* I can relate to a point. For two years I had to do nothing but serve Master and go to college. For some reason college was easier. Probably because as long as I timed everything okay I could do my homework around His schedule. It was easier then.
But now? I can’t tell my job to shove it because Master wants me to be home that day… I can’t tell my job to shove it because Master wants me available to Him for sex all day long.. etc… I can’t do that because I need to provide income. Steady income. He has never made me feel like I have to stay home just because He is. Never. But I sometimes feel that way when He has a day off and I don’t. I feel like I am doing only half my service. I am providing income. But I’m not here to do things for Him. And I also get a little freaked out because He has taught me that I am a representation of Him. So if I do not do well at my job.. it is like HE is not doing well at my job. Fucked up huh?
I just breathe, and talk to my Master about it. He encourages me and praises me when I do well at work, which helps. Just sit down and have a long talk with your Master. I think it will help. And as always, if you need to talk.. you know how to get a hold of me.
I really understand your fears. If i could i would crawl under a rock every time i have to attend social events. I think you should look at this interview as a first step. You where brave, you had the courage to get out there and present yourself to the world. I haven’t done that in years. I haven’t worked outside the home for over eight years. I believe that you should discuss this with your Master. After all it’s Him who put you into this position by asking you to get a job.
I’ve been reading your blog for about 6 months now and i can relate to a lot of things you’ve said. It’s the first time i write a comment because even that scares me.
Kaya,
I had no idea that He had gotten you to this point. You are in a place that your Master has taken you to, one that both of you have desired and now you have that confirmation that your end goal, cunt in a box is that much more possible. This is something to be happy about.
Of course, that doesn’t deal with the here and now issue of He wants you to work and you are currently handicapped in that regard (if only slavery were recognised by ADA:) ). If He wants you to work ouside the home right now, he will have to train you to be able to do so. That will mean undoing a little of what He has done with you to date. rest assured that it can be undone, and it can be re-done in the future.
I do agree with a couple of the earlier comments. It should help if you view this job as a service to him. It’s very similar to how Christians are supposed to look at their jobs, a service to Christ. Everytime I look at my teaching in that light, I am driven to be even better than I am now. You can do this, believe in His ability to enable you and your ability to serve Him.
Dave
*just hugs ya*
We all have roles that require us to supress or accentuate parts of our peronality. Haven’t we all envisioned ourselves with a superhero-type alter ego?
Most superheroes start off with normal lives and get thrust into the superhero game. Peter Parker was just a normal teenager before he was bitten by a spider, Bruce Wayne was a young boy when his parents were killed.
I can’t think of how to word the rest of this properly, but the point that I’m trying to get to is that they are trying to maintain the lives that they have always had long before becoming heroes while keeping their superhero lives separate.
Alter-ego identities do not have to be overly complex, for example Clark Kent’s uncanny ability to transform into Superman simply by removing his glasses, and the failure of others to realize that Superman is Clark Kent because of the absence of lenses and a stiff collared suit.
If one believes in the nature of transformation, that taking on the guise of the alter-ego can be empowering in certain sitations. It is also a game that more people indulge in than they would care to admit in public. Secretly most people have alter egos; they just don’t make them visible. We employ these alternate personas to say and do what we in our everyday guise cannot. Whether unleashing an alter ego is cathartic or schizophrenic is anyone’s call.
So what is all this blathering about? You need an alter ego. A strong, competent nurse by day and uber-cunt by night. Just dont’ wear your gag and hood to your next interview. Wear your secret alter-ego identity.
Your biggest strength – following directions to the letter.
Your biggest weakness – trying too hard to please everyone and not thinking enough about yourself.
See …
Wear your secret alter-ego identity.
I echo this comment! I think you’re incredibly brave to return to the workforce. It’s hard enough for vanilla women to do that.
i think this anxiety and sense of failure, lack of confidence in one’s abilities is something that afflicts all of us at some time or another for various reasons…a long hiatus from a particular career path, recovery from an illness which meant one could not work, or perhaps even returning to the workforce after motherhood…in all of these situations we seem to sorta *forget* how to do stuff that once we did so well, and think to ourselves *omg i CAN’T*…some people suit an *in at the deep end* plunge, others need a more incremental reintroduction…
i am sure your Master will help you rediscover your skills and confidence, and hopefully at minimal risk to the goals you have achieved thus far in your journey.
at risk of the ire of other readers :O may i just say that i find it almost impossible to imagine that someone with your intelligence and insight into your own internal processes and the philosophies behind said processes could ever become a cunt in a box…and i mean that in the most complimentary sense
in short: you think too much, grrrl!!! and i love you for it 
You seem worried about failure.
There don’t have to be any failures. Everything can be regarded as an experiment. You can have one outcome or another, and you learn one thing or another. It is possible to regard everything as tentative.
Another thing that’s going on here is respondent conditioning. You have a bunch of emotional responses that work well with your master, but they don’t work well with other authority figures who have different interests, such as the interviewer at the nursing home. If you take the straightforward approach of practicing the desired behavior in the situations where you want to have it, you’ll get what you want before too long. Getting through the interview was a good first step. If there aren’t too many nursing homes in your area, you might want to do some practice interviews for some jobs you do not want. Ask Google about “respondent conditioning” or get a textbook about behaviorism to learn more.
This whole experience is likely to give you more self confidence when you’re with your master. That may or may not be a problem, depending on how that relationship works. Better talk with him about it.
We all have fears and insecurities. Tell your Master. I am sure he will listen and hear you. You are his precious property. Do not ever doubt that.
zin
Now that you have had this experience do you have any new thoughts on your decision to let your master reprogram you? Is proof of how far you have moved away from the independent woman you were towards becoming his appendage get you hot, or fill you with fear?
Kaya, your post touched me as I have been known to have a panic attacks after merely reading the help wanted ads in craigslist. I hope the following doesn’t sound preachy as I’m in my fourth year of not holding down a job (that brings in a paycheck) and preaching is definitely NOT on my agenda. I know how hard it is to knock on those doors once you’ve been out of the workforce for even a few months.
On the up side you’ve already completed the hardest part… and that’s going in and doing that initial interview. Surely you are not the first person to have a brain fart at an interview. I know I’ve gone through the extremes of either freezing completely in shame or babbling incoherent bravado while trying to talk myself up. M/s dynamic aside (if that’s possible) – You already did the hard part it seems to me. Those folks don’t need your social skills… they need your service.
and if you figure out how to make some regular money without leaving the house.. well.. I’ll stay tuned for tips
I agree with those who say talk to your Master about this. Work at home jobs might be a possibility although true good ones seem few and far between.
Also, if discussions really come back to the idea that you really need to work, it might be good to play through some practice interview scenarios (either with your Master or, if that’s too head-trippy, see if you can find someone else, doing it over the phone works as well as in person). That way you can create stock answers that you don’t have to think about and are less likely to freeze. Questions like “what are your strengths/weaknesses?” are common interview questions.
Interviews take practice, just like anything. My Master goes on interviews every year, even if he’s not looking, just to keep in shape.
I think Alyson’s idea is good. You can practice interviewing and come up with those stock answers. Another one to be ready for is “Tell me about yourself”.
Also, I think it’s great, the type of job that you were interviewing for. I’ve spent the last several years caring for my parents, and after my father died, I became the main caretaker for my mother, who has Alzheimer’s. It’s incredibly difficult, but there have been many people along the way who have been my angels — everyone from doctors and medical workers to social workers to health care aides who just have a knack for interacting with people who have dementia, and who have been kind to my mother. So many angels. I’ve read posts of yours (and forgive me, I’m really paraphrasing here) where you’ve talked about wanting to make a contribution. Doing this kind of work with the elderly is a HUGE contribution. If you’re drawn to it, I really think you should go for it.
hugs,
lee
I read your post last night and couldn’t get it out of my mind. You have gotten some great feedback here and I’m going to throw my two cents in…consider that this “phenonomen” has no relation to the M/s life at all. It just happens sometimes. Because you’re a complicated and intelligent (as opposed to light and breezy) woman, you THINK about stuff, and look for answers, it’s the curse of C&I woman. If you were light and breezy, you wouldn’t care a bit about this stuff and would just be thinking about what color lip gloss you were going to get next…bah! You’re so articulate and introspective and thoughtful…me too and it’s torture sometimes. Consider that it just wasn’t the right place, the right situation, the right time. I also like someone’s idea to think of it as your Master’s wish that you do this for him…it won’t help the discomfort, but will give you purpose. I have a great job in a great career that I’ve had for years that people would die to have and all I want to do is be home on my knees and whipping up gourmet meals and folding underwear…and I feel like fleeing my job pretty much every day to go where I’d rather be, but still gotta do it for now. You’re normal, sweet girl…and clearly a lot of us out here think the world of you.
Marla
Just sending love your way….
I really appreciate all of your support, advice and hugs. There are definitely things that Master and I need to talk about, some of which has already been talked about since this post. Nothing is definite yet, and when it is, I’ll be sure and share it. Again, thank you very much.
I am HR/recruiter….I can help – email me!
*hugs*
It’s going to take some readjustment to get back out there. Don’t worry about it–it will come. Interviews are tough shit anyways.
I don’t really have much else to offer, other than more *hugs*.
I had started to type a comment before but don’t see it so I guess I didn’t finish ::head tilt::
This is really hard. I think you’re brave just for going to the interview. I’ve worked as an HR Manager before and believe me, the person on the other side of the desk is nervous too – just not as much as the applicant. Maybe applying the same coping skills you use when you know something is going to hurt-like-hell would help?
Someone had suggested the super alter ego – honestly that does work for me. Knowing my Daddy expects that I’m the assertive professional at work (even when I want to be the little girl staying at home) and that he’s proud of what I accomplish helps me accept the inability to be ‘me’ all of the time. I hope that makes sense.
There are so many awesome comments left for you already and I won’t repeat what all of them have said. I’ll wish you the best of luck instead.
Blush
kaya,
i had alluded to this when we were “talking” about consent last week. i went back to work for health insurance mostly, but in even the short amount of time i had been living “enslaved” , i was finding it difficult to leave the house, never mind interview. i in no way felt entrapped…just utterly content and peaceful and didn’t want the “real world” intruding on my new universe.
So i can very much imagine where you are coming from with these feelings. i had to force myself to do it before i wasn’t able to..you are a very strong person…if your Master decides this is what is required of you i have no doubt you will not disappoint him and do what is necessary to please him in this new demand.
i am glad you are talking…i got support, but honestly, i had to force myself to do it…again not to remain independent but because i felt if i waited too long, i wouldn’t be able to..and i still have days when i find being “out there” more trouble than it’s worth..
Some one suggested working from home…i am sure you could find something that would generate income. You are smart and quick and have an amazing mind…and the cam thing goes without saying…pay per view…that is for your Master to decide..but it might be easier than jumping back into outside work…also what about going to school to recertify to ease back into dealing with others in that sort of environment?? Just brainstorming here…this subject had been on my mind…i know it will work out…Good luck!!
~s/nik
Ok, I am surprised that no one has said this yet, so I will…
Send in the missing paperwork. Write a nice confident cover letter, thank her for her time, reiterate when you can start, and send it in. The reality to her right now is that you are unhireable because your application is incomplete. Simple as that. Even if the job you originally applied for is taken, nursing homes are always looking for staff, very high turn over rate. Plus, it will make you feel better, at least you FINISHED it.
Don’t think you could ever go back there?
Remember when your Master wanted you to put that oh-you-have-got-to-be-fucking-kidding butt plug up your ass? You thought you couldn’t do it. Took a few attempts, but you did it, didn’t you? And, oh, it hurt, big time. But you did it for him, yes?
Well, getting a job is going to be a lot like that, a big pain in the ass, pun intended. Its going to hurt, but, you will do it for him. He wants you to, he may even need you to get a job. And don’t think that little piddly 200 dollar a week job is not going to make that big of a difference. Thats $800.00 a month, thats the electric bill, phone bill, and cable bill. Thats a nice relief to your Master.
(Added bonus will be it will inspire you to recert your licenses, and allow you to get that better job that pays more.)
It will also allow you to continue to contribute to your social security benefits, because some day you will retire, and you will need more than the $480.00 dollars a month that you are probably currently entitled to.
And yes, you can work full time, be a mother, and the best slave to your Master. YES, you can.
I love you kaya, I just thought a jolt of reality was needed here.
I know, I am just no fun.
Opps! Boy, was I off base.
I guess I just thought that your Master really did want/need you to get a job, based on the number of times you had mentioned it in previous posts. I was trying to be sensible and encouraging at the same time, faced with the fear that you were going to HAVE to get a job. I see now that I was wrong in that assumption, sorry if I misinterpreted you.
You know, I think I’ll just shut up now…
Still love ya though
You didn’t misinterpret. I am the one who misunderstood HIM. I certainly presented it in exactly the manner you took it because that’s how *I* interpreted what He was saying.
I swear, even when you make communication a priority, and *think* you are really good at it, things get left unsaid, are inferred, misunderstood… etc. etc. Maybe we get too confident in our mad communication skillz that we end up thinking the other can read our minds (I mean Master and myself) and then don’t communicate as clearly as we should.
This journal has righted a communication wrong between us SO many times. The things I babble about here, He can read and say “that is not what I meant, cunt. you are way off base here”, and vise versa, I can get something across here to Him in one sentence that I’ve been failing to put into words for weeks.
So! Please don’t shut up. I LIKE your advice. You *speak* to me. You don’t just ‘nod and smile’, you know? Don’t leave me! *sob*
Long time reader, first time commenter. Just had to post since I was in a similar situation recently. I decided to enter the workforce for the first time and it scared the hell out of me. I choked at job interviews, spent the next few days after job interviews emotionally beating myself up and generally feeling worthless, agonized over resumes and cover letters, etc. Job hunting is an incredibly stressful process and you’re certainly not the only one who has felt this way!
At first, I dreaded getting a job. When I finally got a job offer, I dreaded it even more. Long story short, I was afraid of all the changes it would bring. But I decided to give it an honest try and face my fears before I completely wrote it off. I figured I would give it a month, and if it was absolutely horrible, then I would leave.
In the end, I’m glad I accepted the job offer. There have been changes in my life, but they are for the better (and not just financially). I thought “being out there” would suck; but as it turned out, it made me a lot happier and confident than I used to be. I can’t guarantee the same results for you or anyone, but I must say this: you have nothing to lose by trying for the job; if it turns out to be terrible, you can always leave and start over.