Bits-o-thoughts
I know I should be replying to comments, and I will, soon. I promise. I just feel like babbling a bit.
I was talking to my sugarplum this morning, talking about the processes we go through when our Masters travel. The up and down cycles, the high expectations for those few days together, the guilt you feel when you actually look forward to when They have to go back.
It’s a conflicting roller coaster, for me anyway. I operate pretty independently here at home. Though He has a detailed daily list that I follow, it’s easy to separate that from Him. And I admit to making my own decisions on adjusting that schedule to suit *my* wants and needs. (That’s an admission that’s probably going to take that number 5 to a number 10 real quick.) But I’m going to be honest.
Maybe it’s an inevitable outcome that I begin to adapt the schedule to me, instead of keeping it as His. Perhaps its a normal cycle that we have to go through periodically, something that comes with the territory of being separated like this. I stray, without malice or naughty intent, and eventually, He yanks me back and puts me back on course.
I think I’ve adjusted fairly well to the handing over of the reigns when He walks in the door. It boggles even me sometimes that I go for days or weeks at a time, getting up and going where I want, getting what I want, going into the bathroom when I want, going to bed and waking up when I want but as soon as He is here, that all stops. It takes no effort, no reminders, no thought. Like magic, I defer. I ask. “may I go to the bathroom please, Sir?” every single time.
The conflicting emotions begin when He’s home for an extended period. After a week or so, I start to chafe at the restrictions. I can’t get online when I want to. I can’t eat what I want or when I want. It will even extend to the TV, which I rarely ever watch when He isn’t home but because I have to be by His side and He’ll be watching it, I suddenly want to watch what I want to watch. He’s a history channel and discovery channel guy. I’m so not. And I’ll catch myself thinking “isn’t it time for You to go back to work yet!”
Of course then I feel guilty. How dare I harbor ill-will that my own Master is restricting my freedoms. What kind of slave thinks those things. This must mean I’m not a slave at all right? A part time slave? I can do it for a few days, play and pretend?
It’s not though. It’s none of those things. It’s the simple process of being used to your surroundings and your routine. Master comes home and completely upsets my routine. But I know that if He never traveled again, I’d become accustomed to His routine in no time. Because I always know that His routine is temporary, that He will be leaving again, I can’t ever make that complete transformation. I have to keep my routine on the back burner.
So it is a process, a cycle. One that I’m pretty well used to.
Here’s another thing that I struggle with, though am also getting used to. When Master does come home, He generally starts in on me quite heavily. Gone are the days when He would try to ease me back in to the paintoy/fuckmeat/object headspace. Time is too precious anymore. It’s immediate, from the second He walks in the door, with the first hug and His hand sliding surreptitiously between us, grabbing a nipple and trying to pop and pull it off. From being at my own mercy, hurting myself no more or less than I’m in the mood for, to giving up that control. He *is* going to hurt me. He is going to make me cry. It’s going to be so much more than I think I can take.
I’ll spend those last few hours before He’s due home in a state of borderline panic, knowing what’s coming. Trying to prepare myself for those first few minutes of intense pain. I know once I can get through those, I’m golden. My brain and body will adjust, it is as it should be. But those first few moments are *hard*. There is no way to prepare. I’m scared, to be honest. Terrified. When He takes me in the bedroom and the door closes and locks, and He gives me that smile, that evil, evil smile, I want to run. Far and fast. I shake, I’m breathless, I beg for mercy, leniency, I’ll cry sometimes before He even touches me, I ask Him to please go slow, please start soft, please be nice, please! And of course He’s not nice and He doesn’t start soft and it’s awful and terrible and I think I’m going to die and it takes every bit of willpower I have to hold still and not scream for help out the window.
And then it’s over. I survive. And I get to spend hours in front of the mirror admiring the welts and bright blue darkening bruises. I thank Him, sheepishly, for not listening to my whines and pleas. And I always beg Him to ‘do it again!’.
The rest of our time together never holds that initial fear and angst and panic. It’s a one time deal for that first beating. If He never left, if there were never these separations, I’d never experience that.
When He does call me while I’m in the midst of that pre-beating angst and He tells me He’s going to be delayed, maybe a day, maybe a week… under the disappointment is also some immense relief. Delaying the process. The painful and panicked process of handing the control of my masochism over to His sadism.
Maybe I’ll miss that when these separations are over. I suspect I will. It’s fresh and exciting and exhilarating. I’m introduced to the levels of my masochism again and again. Pleasantly surprised at how much I can take because of Him. I spend all week realizing the limits of what I can do to myself and then He comes in and within ten minutes, He’s shattered my limits and remade His own.
I don’t really have a point to this post. I was thinking that when Master comes home next week (*if* He gets to come home by next week), it’s going to be a particularly hard transformation. The separations are rarely this long at a stretch. He’s building up some massive sadistic steam over there and I’m drifting farther and farther away from His levels. When we come back together, it’s going to be…. explosive. It’s going to hurt. And I’m already feeling the nibbles of panic in my belly.
There’s no way around it either. It has to happen. He has to do it the way He does, hard and heavy and I have to take it. If I had a safeword, I’d scream it out before He even locked the door..lol. I would! And that is precisely why I don’t have one.
A few months ago, we were in the truck, I had the tack bra on and the scrunchy in my cunt. He was being His usual sympathetic self, hitting all the bumps and reaching over to “pat” my boobs and my crotch, murmuring words of sympathy while I grabbed the handle of the door in white-knuckled pain and called Him everything but a white boy. This was after that particularly hard weekend at His apartment last June. The vampire glove weekend. I was already exceptionally sore and raw and bruised. This was a final bit of sadism, to just sit and suffer while He toyed with me. Anyway, I demanded a safeword. We’d already been driving for more than an hour and I was hurting.
I told Him I wanted one. That I needed one. And that He had to give me one, it was a BDSM law! He laughed, reminded me that 1) He makes His own laws and 2) I was the one who rejected the safeword so very long ago. Which is true, I did, BUT.. He wasn’t mean back then…lol. I had Him Under Control back then.
“Gimme one.”
“No.”
“Yes! I need one. You’re mean.”
(more love taps to my stinging boobs and cunt)”I’m not mean.”
(opened mouthed shock at that statement)”Oh my God! Yes! You are! Let me have one. Please? I promise I won’t abuse it.” (sweet smile)
“If you had one, would you use it right now?” (patpatpat)
“Fuck yes! God dammit, mother fucker, stop that! It hurts!”
“Then no.”
(angry pout) “I’m going to tell everyone who reads the journal that You wouldn’t give me a safeword and they’re all going to hate You and think You are WRONG and they’ll all bombard You with–(PATPATPAT) OWWWW! You suck!”
(sob) (pout) (epiphany)
“Can I take these things off now, please, Master? Please, pretty please with a blow job on top?”
“Yes (patpatpat) you (patpatpat) can. (patpatpat) Now see (patpatpat) how much (patpatpat) better begging is (patpatpat) than having a silly (patpatpat) old (patpatpat) safeword (patpatpat)?”
You see why I love Him? *dreamy sigh*
I completely lost any point I may have had here. Maybe because I never had one. 
~cunt
Uncategorized | kaya | 
Thursday August 10th, 2006 11:58am
What, praytell, is the vampire glove? If you have a previous entry to direct me to, I’ll gladly read it, but I’m quite curious.
vampire gloves are ONLY the best toys under the sun and i would be totally devastated if Master lost his.
they’re a pair of leather gloves with small, sharp spikes/points on the palm side along the fingers. they’re great for abrasion play or a modified needle play.
i’m not a masochist. i hate being hurt. *blushes* however, i am a whore for vampire gloves and however Master wants to hurt me with them.
http://www.extremerestraints.com/vampire-gloves_11.html is a link that shows a pic and description.
~ toy
Ahhh yes, I see.
Hmm, could be something to explore when the Mr. and I get along further…
Thank you!
Vampire Gloves
The tacks are sharp enough and long enough to puncture the skin. Master likes to wear them and spank, squeeze, slap… you know, just cause general bloody havoc across my body.
They are quite nice actually, if you like being pricked by needle sharp tacks..lol
now I know…
I often wondered what it was like for you to switch gears between when your master is absent and when he is present. Such opposite ends of the spectrum those two states of being would appear to be. Now I know. It sounds pretty tough, albeit exhilarating as you say. I’m beginning to think alternative lifestyles are almost always frought with what one might call a “culture shock” syndrome, as most must at the very least navigate successfully between BDSM and vanilla worlds as they go about their daily lives. Thanks for sharing these insights. Hang in there.
~rdmk
Re: now I know…
I’ve often used the phrase “culture shock” to describe it. That’s exactly how it is. But it’s worth it. All of the angst and the difficulties are worth it.
…called Him everything but a white boy.
I’m so glad someone else uses this phrase! That made me laugh right out loud with what little bit of a voice I’ve got left!
Heh.
Gone are the days when He would try to ease me back in to the paintoy/fuckmeat/object headspace. Time is too precious anymore. It’s immediate, from the second He walks in the door… He *is* going to hurt me. He is going to make me cry. It’s going to be so much more than I think I can take.
YES.
I think I know exactly what you mean. I see Master for only a few days a month, usually only one night at a time, maybe two with a party in between. we never have enough time, I never have time to prep properly for the headspace. Being a long-distance slave SUCKS.
I always get so so so scared before I see him, especially if it’s been a long time (say over our usual three weeks). I can’t believe that I’ll survive. I can’t remember how I ever did all the other times.
You see why I love Him?
)
I do.
Would you miss it, you think? If magic happened and you’d never be separated again, would you miss those moments of being so so scared and then making it through anyway?
I know that I would give anything to have Him here all the time, to never experience that transistion again.. but I would miss it, I think. Its a very powerful process.
Early morning ineloquence, do forgive me:
I was chatting to someone recently explaining how wonderful it felt when I finally moved in with my jacob because I hadn’t felt settled before, and I hated long-distance relationships. She said she loved LDRs because the intensity was always there.
I am still glad I moved in with jacob, but I know what she means about intensity when it comes to Master. I don’t feel unsettled there.
I would miss it terribly, I have a lot of going-to-see-my-master rituals. I like the structure. But I don’t like that it takes us time to click sometimes, when time is short. I don’t like the pressure I feel to get everything done before I go have to go home.
Would I miss the fear? No, because it’s not so much fear of him as doubt in myself, and I don’t think that’s useful or healthy or horny, or what he wants. He wants me looking forward to my torture, and if I’m not then what stops me is nearly always doubt in myself.
)
He’d make sure there were always new things, something to be scared of in the future, even if we were together.
The transition from being independent and ‘my own’ woman, to being his slave: I don’t think I’ve experienced that enough. The transition there isn’t yet as big a deal as it sounds for you. It does sound very powerful and I’m a bit envious.
I don’t like that it takes us time to click sometimes, when time is short. I don’t like the pressure I feel to get everything done before I go have to go home
That speaks to me so much. I’m in that ‘place’ all the time.
kaya, darlin,
i absolutely adore you.
*MUAH*
~ toy
And I adore you, sweetheart. *kiss*
LOL, this one tickled me. I have a lot of ideas why, buy they’d all detract from what a damn good entry this was.
Yes, I certainly see why you love him so.
Oh. Tease. What tickled you?
Thank you. *hugs*
LOl
Evil evil man he is. I saw some tack things you put inside your bra on a website the other day, when I saw them I thought instantly of you and deleted the link from my bdsm products section. I am sure Master will add it back cause he likes their floggers, but no way in hell am I going to have that site up were he can explore…maybe he’ll forget it existed…LOL… SCREAM NO TACKS DAMNIT. Maybe that will work..LOL
Evil evil evil men we have…
Hugs
Hana
Re: LOl
LOL.. I bet you would like them very much. It’s not as painful as you think.. until it is…lol. It’s one of those funny things that switch from being barely noticed to excruciating in one second. Lovely.
*hugs*
Re: LOL
Maybe I am not willing to explore right now. Though I may not have a choice Master says he is going to be pure evil…I dont know what to think about that…HUGS.
Damn, I knew i should have waited to read this … I have too much to do to sit and cry.
I can’t even begin to tell you how much I love this piece, even as it makes me sob in abject misery. That’s what makes you so fucking good.
(Ok, I can’t resist this: Point? You doan need no steenkeeng point!)
God I love you. :*
{In shock}
I’m not a masocist and reading your post drives that reason home; also why I HAVE to have safewords, MH and I may argue about that, but they are neccessary at times. Last time I played without a safeword, I almost ended up in the hosipital or worse. No thank you.
{{hugs}} You are in my thoughts.
Oh the safeword request was mostly tongue in cheek really. If He really did give me a safeword, my world would fall apart. Maybe I’ll do a post on that sometime.
*WEG* See? You don’t need no safewords! *g* Just depends on the relationship I suppose but in the eons I’ve been doing this (with the exception of the 5 years unowned so far) I’ve used a safeword…hm….maybe 4 or 5X? If that. Twice would probably be more accurate.
I was just thinking that I would do a post on safewords sometime soon. I have pretty strong feelings about them. The whole request was tongue in cheek really, a weak moment while in pain..lol. If He ever did give me a safeword, I’d be devastated.
Well, yeah. Because then he thinks you are weak. I wouldn’t want one either.
My boy has a safeword..I just haven’t told her what it is….(I know old one, but appropriate here)
LMAO! Well I’ve never heard it! Thats hilarious..lol
Yea I posted that in my journal ages ago after telling her I had changed her safeword but wouldn’t tell her what it was!! *WEG*
Hi kaya.
You know I get bashed for this often mainly casue it kills me when slaves living in Timbucktu tell me they are 24/7 with their Master living in bumfuck egypt and they experience the same thign we do. But there is a HUGE difference between 24/7 true 24/7. There are so many ways to live this lifestyle. Most live together and are apart 8 or 10 hours a day. During that time, the slave/sub has choices, like you, even some degree of independence and there is NOTHING wrong with that (at least I dont think so now our Master may think differently). I read what you wrote today and think god what I would do to BATH alone, to shit ALONE to shit when I want to and not when He decides “today is a good day for an enema” . To have ONE moment of ALONE time. You know kaya I cant even write about what happens in our home everyday, anyone peeking in would think how utterly insane, now its routine. I have bra and panty inserts, wore whenever He decides, I get up naked, cuffed, and stay that way all day long. Her pulled, tits yanked, punches to my breast, slaps to my face, drink His piss, clean His ass. Anytime He desires. I never get that break that most others get, and honestly kaya, treasure it for if the day comes, where you two work, live, bath, shop, sleep, shit, breath together, then you will look back and think how wonderful it was to have a little independence.
be good
starla
http://www.fire-runner.com
Utterly insane? No way! You’re life is what I’m aiming for.
Though I know it’s going to be a hard adjustment, I’ll do it in a New York minute.
No freedom, no privacy, no more computer, no journal, if it meant I’d have Him here every day… I don’t even have to think about it.
I’ll probably have moments of longing for those liberties, like you do, but you know how devastated you would be if any of it changed for you now. You might chafe a little now and then but you are one happy little slave girl, you lucky thing.
Be good? *snicker* Did you forget who you were talking to?..lol
*hugs*
No computer? No journal?
But..but…what about us?
I need my kaya fix, gosh darnit! Can’t you please be a cunt in a cage WITH a wireless laptop hookup?
hehe.
~turkey baster girl
lol
We may have to petition her Master for your scenerio… Can’t you see it now… Please Sir…We know kaya is Your slave, but You can’t take her away from us…Punish her all You want…but don’t hurt her fingers so she can’t type…and let her send lots of pictures…lol
Why…it would be like taking ice cream away from the whole class because that one kid wouldn’t be quiet… Where’s the justice in that I ask you?
Then again…I’m not sure how much clout a slave petition would have with a Master…Hmmmm Kaya… what do you think???
Re: lol
I think He would probably hand me the petition through the bars and say “look how many friends you *used* to have, cunt!” Then He’d smile and walk away.
Morning kaya
Good Morning To You….
One of the reasons I love reading your posts is that it seems that you and I meld on a lot of issues. Fortunately for me, my Master doesn’t go out of town much anymore, and He works in the town we live in, but we have traveled that road a few years back when He would be out of town more than in it. In reading your thoughts today, I find it interesting how many inner battles we as slaves fight. It’s why I always chuckle when someone talks of how “weak” slaves are. We give up independence when society and basic human nature tells us we shouldn’t. We battle pain for pleasure, even when pain IS pleasure. We surrender freedom of choice and allow our lives to be bent and molded to please our Masters…because we choose it to be so. It is never easy…if it was, it wouldn’t be the magic that it is. Reality is that with the outside world we become, for the most part what society expects us to be…to our kids, the teachers, the check out girl at the supermarket, bosses for those slaves that work…our parents and siblings,friends, generally we are what they want to see…
OHH, but for MASTER…we are what dreams are made of. We give to Him what is most precious. We give Him Honor and Respect. We give Him Obedience and Submission. We give Him Devotion and what I perceive as the hardest… control. Slaves are not perfect. We screw up and buck authority at times…especially those of us who have to live the “vanilla” life on the surface for the bulk of our day. It takes an incredible amount of self discipline to be authoritative and self efficient all day to everyone else…(and in your case for days and nights at a time)…only to surrender it all when Master walks through the door. The ultimate juggling act… But when it works…when it all comes together…Jesus…words can’t describe how perfect it feels….
Re: Morning kaya
Ahh.. you write music sweetheart. Thank you. *hugs*
Long distance
I travel a lot myself and have to handle the situation of keeping the mind of a slave straight through remote tools like phone and internet.
The main thing is still attention in my opinion, which can be hard, I realize that. So I demand daily updates by email, with similar info like I would do in person. Some days i respond others i dont.. I certainly ‘respond’ if I dont get the email though..
The second thing is I introduce more daily rituals or sometimes special assignments. Typically related to meditation related to practizing the Gorean slave positions and some other physical or mind exercises. It gives a good reason to daily communite even if it is just by IM or email.
Re: Long distance
That is pretty much what we do, though, inevitably we both start to slack a bit. Me on the rituals and He on the attention.
He’s not yet making me do any slave positions though it’s been talked about a time or two. I think that will come someday soon.
that conversation is so adorable.
Kaya, Dear,
my Master and i are both avid readers of your journal. You give us lots and lots of ideas to explore and discuss.
This post, for example, He has assigned me an essay about what i learned from it. He will be “sore” (yeah, i thought it was an odd choice of words) if it is not in his inbox by morning. i had hoped to have it there much before now.
tardiness, time-management failure, and general disorganization are some of my worst habits. *sigh* Hopefully i’ll learn, and hopefully it will be before i really disappoint Him.
Thanks for all the wonderful writing you do!
Oh, phooey! That last one was from me. i forgot i wasn’t logged in. not trying to be stealthy or secretive or anything.