Yesterday was B-man’s 17th birthday. That’s just weird. He will forever be frozen at around the age of 10 for me. Is that a “youngest child” phenomenon? Even my mother can’t seem to age him in her mind.
Speaking of my mother, I stopped feuding with her over Jes. I just have to accept that she’s always going to think Jes is an angel who is mistreated and is always going to think that I am the evil one who goes out of my way to favor Am and B-man and be mean to Jes. She’s never going to change, she’s never going to think anything different, and I’m wasting what precious time I have left with her.
Quite simply, she’s dying. I mean, we all are, but she’s much closer. She’ll be 70 this year and the doctor has pretty much told her she’s on borrowed time. Her heart is in bad shape and she’s never going to get any better. The last thing I want is for her to die thinking she’s the only one in the world who protects Jes. -eyeroll-
Seriously though, faults or no, she’s my mom and she’s dying. I want to have pleasant last memories; not regrets. So, no more fighting. :)
Speaking of Jes: She’s moving out. Yep. Today, in fact. Adios! See ya! Hooray! (j/k, j/k about the yays. Except- not really)
She’s not going far- just about 5 minutes away. She doesn’t have a car so she needed to stay close; plus then I can go grab Babygirl anytime I need or want to. It’s not a bad little apartment. 2 bedrooms, LR, kitchen, bath. Not too fancy, and not too expensive.
It’ll be good for her, but better for us. Have I ever mentioned how difficult she is to live with?
No? Well! Let me tell you…
;-)
We’ve been hanging on to stuff for the last couple of years, just waiting for this moment. As a result, she’s pretty much got everything she needs to furnish the whole place. She’s got dishes, small appliances, most of the furniture she needs. We’re good to go.
Which leads me to Am. Who is… seething.
Well, maybe seething is too strong of a word. She’s simmering, perhaps.
I’d already mentioned how she was feeling the pressure of being “the good one”. I did sit down and talk with her about that and I think I clarified a few things, but really, how much correction can a few conversations do after years (apparently) of internalizing her “role” in the family?
I had no idea that something I say to Jes, but that is overheard by Am, can be so twisted in Am’s internal dialogue. For instance, did you know that my saying “Well, when Am moves out, we can rearrange bedrooms and put you and the baby there” is transformed into “Am! You have to be moved out by Jes’s due date! GTFO!”
I didn’t know that. Hence the reason I spoke out loud when we had that conversation. o.O
But so okay. We’ve talked. I’ve assured her that she’s under no time limit to move, that she doesn’t have to move at all if she doesn’t want to, and that any conversations we’ve had about moving out have simply been in the spirit of comparing costs of gas vs costs of rent. She’s welcome to stay here as long as she needs to and to make her own decisions for her life, her activities, her money, her schooling, her… whatever. I mean, within reason, of course. Obviously choosing to be a crack whore isn’t going to fly.
I also didn’t know that my love for her was based on her good choices and that I would probably stop loving her if she made a mistake. That seems a logical conclusion based on how I no longer love Jes… Oh, wait.
Seriously? What’s going on in the brains?
Anyway. Back to Am simmering.
M and I are obviously helping Jes out a lot. We have been for years, we’re helping her with the move and the expenses…. Thusly, Am tends to not see the incentive for being the “good one”. (Because we’re not helping her out. I mean, it’s not like we’ve paid for tuition or food or gas or… )
(What? No, I’m not bitter. Why do you ask?)
Okay, though. I kind of get why she’s coming to that conclusion. There seems (to her) to be nothing *better*, or more rewarding, about having made the right choices in life. We’re not doing *more* for her than we are for Jes. Or…something.
What I can’t seem to get through to her is that her good choices now have NOTHING to do with me or M. At this point in her life, what she chooses to do is (should be) all about her. Her future. Her life. She’s not a tween out to earn mommy and daddy’s approval anymore. She’s an adult setting up her future now.
So she COULD ‘retaliate’ by quitting her job to see if we’d provide her with the same assistance we’re providing Jes. Or she could flunk out of college to see if we’d let her live with us like we do (did) with Jes. Or she could go get herself knocked up and compare that. She could go out, get drunk, and drive the car into a tree to see if we’d kick her off our insurance like we did with Jes, too.
But what I’m having trouble communicating to her (maybe because she can’t see that far ahead yet) is how none of those choices affect me in anything but the short term. None of Jes’s choices are going to affect my life long term. These are Jes’s kids, not mine. I’m not the one who is going to be struggling financially, emotionally, with two kids and no immediate career options. I’m not the one applying for welfare to make it through the month.
How to get Am to see that while it may feel like she’s being ‘punished’ right now because we expect her to finish school, to go to work, to contribute to her own expenses— we ARE looking at her future and securing that WITH her. Jes has made her bed, made her choices, and this is it. Am’s still got open doors in front of her.
Not that Jes doesn’t. Hers are just going to be that much harder to accomplish. Am’s still on easy street, even if it doesn’t look or feel that way right now.
I’m sure as Am puts in a 16 hour day between work and school, and 90% of her paycheck is gone before she gets it because she has high gas costs, while she watches Jes sit on her butt and collect welfare, it’s difficult to find motivation. I guess all I can do is continue to highlight the rewards waiting for her at the end vs the continued struggle Jes is likely to always have.
On to happier things:
Babygirl is a friggin’ genius, y’all. I know, I know, every grandma says that about their grandkid(s) but in my case, it’s true. ;)
She’s really just a happy, energetic 2 and a half year old. She likes dora and the wonder pets, and she loves to play outside and dig in the dirt. She has more toys than any child could ever use, and M had to cap my Babygirl-budget because I was getting out of control (Meanie). Even with splitting the toys up between me and Jes, she has too many. Oops?
Plus, she’s beautiful. I mean, really. Of course she is.
It’s hard to imagine loving another one as much as I adore my Babygirl, even though I kinda already have an attachment to the peanut. 5 more months!
On a sadder note:
Something about this trip of M’s is different. He’s a lot harder to get ahold of (no cell reception where he’s working, and spotty reception at the hotel) so I’ve only talked to him twice since he left Monday morning. And then when I am talking to him he seems…. I don’t know, out of sorts a bit. He sounds off. Tired? Irritable. Something.
I don’t like it. It makes me anxious. I’m always anxious when he’s displeased, and he definitely sounds displeased. Normally, I’d hang on his leg until everything was either worked out or he’d assured me whatever was wrong wasn’t about me. But this spotty communication is leaving me angsty. If he is displeased with me, he probably won’t tell me right now simply because he can’t do anything about it from where he is, and telling me about it without also taking immediate steps to correct me is just going to heighten my inability to cope.
Because I’ll get all insecure and start questioning my decisions and I’ll want to call him to ask if it’s okay if I inhale and exhale, or can I buy milk today, and what if I need to pee, and how do I decide which load of laundry to do, and OH MY GOD THE FRIDGE IS MAKING A NOISE! ~headsplode~
And he needs me to cope when he’s gone.
Seriously. Who the hell wants to own a bitch? Too much fucking work. Like tiptoeing through a minefield. Ugh.
So. Yeah. Low-grade anxiety attack right now.
Other than that, things are peachy.
Yep. Peachy. O.O
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Uncategorized | kaya | 
Saturday April 21st, 2012 9:01am | 
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