C’est la vie.

So, a definite UTI. That explains so much.

I have antibiotics and AZO. I’m good to go.

I’m just dying to have one more go at explaining myself but it’s pretty useless, isn’t it? It’s not about doing the fucking dishes, and the people who get it get it. The ones who don’t never will.

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For Instance

Here’s an example of too nice vs nice (yes, I’m obsessing. Shup.)

Example #1:
“Master, my butt hurts and this njoy was the dumbest purchase EVAR!”

“Okay, cunt. Take it out.”

vs

Example #2″
“Master, there’s something not quite right going on down there. I don’t know if I’m getting a UTI or if the njoy is irritating something or what’s going on.”

“Okay, cunt. Take it out for awhile and let’s see what’s up.”

Of course, that also relies on me being honest and not pretending that #1 is #2. Obviously I could spin a story to appeal to his sympathies (because he really is a nice guy), but he counts on me not to do that. Likewise, I count on him to not cave into #1. Because I’m a masochist and I need a little bit of uncaring. Except for when I don’t.

God. What’s so hard to understand? lol

Fuck it. To be honest, I’m getting a little defensive about the whole thing. The whole needs/wants bullshit. How dare I expect anything from him! How dare I prefer to be happy! How dare I care enough about our relationship to speak up when it’s stalling!

I failed Meek 101. Heh.

Anyway. It’s not nearly as serious of a problem as some are taking it. We’re neither unhappy or splitting up. So there.

And! If what he wants is a different style, then he’s only got to clue me in. It’s not like I’m going to leave if he’s decided on a less strict version of living. I love being his, in whatever capacity that ends up being.

~~*~~

I’m sick. Blergh. It’s making me cranky. I don’t know what’s wrong. I thought it was maybe a UTI, but now I’m not so sure. I’m just icky.

And I just had to pick B-man up from school. Must be something going around.

I’m gonna go mope in private. Later taters.

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Balancing Act

There’s a thread on Fet that’s gotten under my skin. It really boils down to the typical “Suck it up, buttercup” that gets spouted around whenever a slave dares to express an ounce of displeasure in their owner.

I think it’s dishonest to pretend that the slave doesn’t have needs, or that they can’t be proactive in getting their needs met, or, worse, that they expect their owner to actually meet those needs.

Maybe some people really don’t care. Maybe they really don’t have any needs outside of what the owner chooses to do. It’s not something I can comprehend but if it’s true for them, that’s wonderful.

However, it is not true for me.

I risked a lot to search out this sort of relationship. I put a lot on the line, made a lot of sacrifices. I have a vested interest in making this work.

He and I didn’t “just happen”. We weren’t already involved and then organically grew into an Owner/property relationship style. Maybe that’s where some of the disconnect in comprehension happens between myself and others. A lot of them say that O/p wasn’t even something they wanted or deliberately set out to have. It “just happened” for them. So, maybe for them it’s not so disconcerting to have things appear to be slipping.

For me, it is. It’s disconcerting. In the thread I said ‘So when/if he does things that are in direct opposite of that “lifestyle” it does not make me feel loved. It does not give me warm fuzzies or make me feel treasured or delighted or any of those things. What it makes me feel is uneasy, threatened, unstable, and scared.’

I cannot be the property he wants without his firm guidance and iron-clad standards. The whole process requires his participation, his interaction, his input. It requires, quite simply, his dominance. Without it– I have no footing.

So when he chooses to “be nice” (which is how the whole thread started), when he chooses to be kind to me, to excuse my failings and undesirable behaviors, I don’t walk away feeling like he’s done me a favor.

I have no doubt that HE does. I’m positive he thinks he’s done me a great kindness. I wish he wouldn’t, though. It’s not a kindness to me to make cracks in the foundation of my life.

When he doesn’t follow through on a threat, when he forgets a punishment or a promise, when he fails to provide the direction or guidance I need– instead of feeling like I dodged a bullet, I lose a little more of the spark. I lose faith. I lose… I just lose.

It’s a conundrum– for me and for him. On the one hand, I really do want it to be about him. So does he. So if he wants to give me a free pass on a failing, he should do so.

On the other hand… I end up feeling what I feel, regardless of the understanding that it’s his way or no way.

I know I’m not alone in this. I’ve had far too many people message me about it. Sometimes I wonder if, for all their brains, D-types have the slightest clue how people like us tick.

And I’m not buying into that “Oh we know, but we do it because we’re sadists!” excuse, either. I think that’s a cop out. That’s a “that’s my story and I’m sticking to it” line. An “I meant to do that” cover. In other words: bullshit.

You don’t drive your car into a concrete post because it’s funny. And you don’t make your property lose faith in you because it tickles you, either. If you do, you’re a fool. You do it because you’re misunderstanding something.

Before I leave you with the impression that M and I are on some direct path to a cement post, we’re not. He does have a tendency to do me favors-that-aren’t-favors and it does indeed have the opposite effect on me that he’s probably going for, but we’re not floundering. I wouldn’t object to a heavier hand, though. I mean, if we’re talking about feeling loved and all, then that’s what makes me feel loved and safe. Consistency. Firmness. Unyielding. That equals love. The other stuff equals insecurity.

I’m easy that way. Honest.

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Well…

This cunt got pwned.

That is all.

~limps away, grinning~

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Little Horny Kaya

The Man’ll be home
Tomorrow
Bet your butt sexin’
That tomorrow
There’ll be pain!

Just thinkin’ about
Tomorrow
Gets me wet and horny,
Hope he’s thorough,
With the cane!

Just one more day
That’s gray,
And lonely!
I’ll just rub on my clit,
And Grin,
And Say,
Oh!

The Man’ll be home
Tomorrow
So ya gotta hang on
‘Til tomorrow
To get laid.
Tomorrow! Tomorrow!
Hurry up! Tomorrow!
You’re only
A day
A way!

:D

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Alphabet of Discontent

A is for Anal: Lately, the njoy is out more than it’s in.

B is for Bondage: I don’t even know where the rope or the cuffs are. I bet M doesn’t either. There is something fundamentally wrong with that.

C is for Crying: As in, when was the last time he made me cry? I don’t remember either. ~cries~ (ha!)

D is for Discipline: My GOD do I need some. I’ve lost… something. The fear? Yes. The fear.

E is for Expectations: It seems I have too many of my own, and I’ve lost sight of his.

F is for Fucking: Must have more of it. We just.. must. ~nods~

G is for Gag: Did you know that gagged slaves can’t complain? True story.

H is for ‘Hello, McFly?’: used to indicate someone has made a poorly thought out decision lacking in judgement and basic common sense Ex: This post, perhaps, lol.

I is for Independence: Independence is not a gift I want, mmkay?

J is for Joke: Once upon a time, this was serious business.

K is for Knots: My head is in one.

L is for Lobotomy: The effects of my first one are wearing off.

M is for Misery: As in ‘stick’. ~pointed look~

N is for No: When did that become part of my vocabulary??

O is for Obedient: I use-ta-could.

P is for Punishment: Currency. ’nuff said.

Q is for Questionable: O.O

R is for Respect: I don’t want to lose any.

S is for Slavery: And all that it should entail.

T is for Torture: Need some, most likely.

U is for Undone: As in, “coming”.

V is for Vendetta: (No, not really. I just couldn’t resist) V is for Vocation: That is all.

W is for Wild: Slaves Gone Wild is not nearly as much fun as Girls Gone Wild.

X is for XX: As in 20. As in 20 days since you’ve been gone. 20 days is, apparently, the keep-it-together expiration date.

Y is for Yank: The leash. HARD. The sooner the better. I’m floundering here!

Z is for Zone: I’m out of it. I want back in it. Help!

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Reason #749 for M to Come Home ASAP.

No, not because I’m being a snarky bitch on Fetlife! (Well, maybe that’s reason #750?)

Anyway.

I have Masturbater Elbow.

Treatment: The first step is to rest your arm and avoid the activity that causes your symptoms for at least 2 – 3 weeks.

Bwahaha! As if!

Yeah. He needs to come home.

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Take Two

“You bet you’re gonna suck my cock. Because identity theft makes me sick!”

Worst porn line, EVAR.

Srsly. Why do porn starts try and act? Just strip and get busy. We don’t care about your acting skillz, we just wanna see the goods.

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Dream a Little Dream

Leave it to me to dream about getting a haircut. A short, flouncy, curly cut that made me twirl about in the salon.

A salon one could only get to by getting past the Attack Goose that guarded the yard.

I’m sure the Attack Goose was my subconscious interpretation of Master. Though why he was in goose form I have no idea.

At any rate, I left without paying and woke up feeling very guilty.

Stupid subconscious. And after this? Get with the program, brain!

;-)

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Contest

Daddyk’s survivor challenge

I double-dog dare you to enter.

I wouldn’t last 5 minutes with that guy. I’ve seen his videos. But you.. you should totally try. ;-)

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