Under His Hand

The journal of a slave

Little Big Update

I don’t know if anyone even checks here anymore but I think I’m ready to give an update.

Life has pretty much a rollercoaster of a nightmare since Brandon’s death. I am not coping well at all, even though on the surface one might never guess it. I go through the day on autopilot it seems, though I am still not able to manage some of the simple things I used to manage, like cooking and cleaning. Or sometimes even showering.

I am trying to get back to cooking, tired of ordering out and cooking from a box. Tonight I made pot pie and I only cheated a little with frozen vegetables. Cooking seems to take far more energy and thought than I  can drum up.

I am trying to care if my house is clean or not. Mostly I don’t.  There are some things I do every day, regardless of how I feel though. I dust my son’s urn and his pictures and mementos.

I’m on medication. Four of them, actually. And I still struggle. To sleep, to care. To live.

I am seeing a grief counselor. He’s good, but hard. He gives “homework” I don’t want to do. Like looking at pictures and writing things. You would think I could ace the writing work but I can’t. I’m pretty sure I’ve had writer’s block since June 24, 2016.

It seems impossible that it’s been more than a year when it still feels to me like it was yesterday that the police was pounding on our door.

We’ve finished (as finished as it ever is) the legal process, which, by the way, is Hell. Absolute hell. My son’s murder plead guilty to second degree murder  so we were spared a trial, and was sentenced to a minimum of 20 years with a max of 40 years.  At 20 years he’s eligible for parole and we start attending parole hearings to fight to keep him in. At 40 years, he’s out regardless.

The sentencing hearing was just last month. Not even a whole month ago. Oct. 16. We had no idea what the judge was going to sentence, her options ranged from 11 years to life. You can’t even imagine how stressful the weeks leading up to that were.

I still don’t know where I’m at with the sentence. Sometimes I think 20 years is a long time when I think of it in terms of how old we’ll all be then. I’ll be 66, Scott will be 70. My kids will be my age and my granddaughters will be in their mid- to late 20’s.

But the killer will only be 46, plenty of time to have the life he stole from my son. And… a 20 year sentence doesn’t even amount to one year per stab wound.  Brandon was stabbed 24 times. Savagely, maliciously.  20 years doesn’t feel like justice when I think of that.

But probably you all want to know about the M/s, the bdsm.

Everything changed – and nothing changed. He’s still the boss. But I?

I am not mentally or emotionally healthy enough to be a slave. And truth be told, neither is he to be a Master. He’s grieving as hard as I am, albeit differently. He raised Brandon since he was 9 years old. He considered himself Brandon’s dad, given the absence of bio dad. He paid for everything, did everything, was there like a dad should be. So, we’re both too mired in grief to be M/s.

Plus, I have very confusing and complicated feelings about being a slave these days, since being a slave is the reason we moved away and moving away is the reason Brandon was where he was that night, in that house. I have a lot of guilt, a lot of negativity and self blame. My thought process tends to be “I made a choice in life to be a slave and that choice resulted in my son’s death.”

I honestly don’t know if we’ll ever get back to it. Right now, it’s the furthest thing from my mind, from my life.  Breathing through the day takes precedence.

Whenever people would ask that theoretical question of what would be your hard limit, what would be the ONE thing that would make you call it quits, I used to say that I didn’t know but I hadn’t found it yet.

Well I found it.

It was the vicious murder of  my only son.

I don’t know what I’m going to do with this place. I’ll probably delete it before long. I don’t even know if I care enough to save any of it, to be honest. It seems like someone else’s life now. But it was nice knowing you all, you were great readers, great supporters, and I felt like you deserved an update. Thank you.

30 Responses to “Little Big Update”

  • morningstar

    my jaw dropped when I saw on my blog that ‘under his hand’ had a new post …….. even though I keep up with you on the social media — it just made me feel happy to see you here too……

    You don’t know how many times I think about my planned trip to see you guys — would you believe I still have the ticket and all the info in my filing cabinet …weird eh? I can’t throw it out .. can’t.

    IF I have learned anything from this tragedy in your life — it is that life is way too short — to quick to change — and so I took my leap of faith and moved (as you probably figured out) and am living with Sir Steve…. my happiness sprang out of your grief which some days makes me feel guilty — Am I making any sense at all??

    think of you all the time…. and Scott….. and wish dearly we were closer enough to visit

  • Anonymous Coward

    So glad to see you back. Things don’t need to be the way they were, they can’t be even if you tried. But please don’t leave your internet friends behind. We’re with you whether or not you blog about bdsm. We’re here for YOU.

  • Jim

    Thank you for the update. No, I wasn’t waiting for the M/s bdsm, I’ve been hoping and praying you and Scott are okay. Thank you for the update. Know you’re in my thoughts.

  • Paeony

    I still check..well didn’t delete you from my feedreader just in case. As above, not because I missed the kink but I’ve followed you guys since the beginning and I worried and was devestated for you all and just wanted to keep you in my feed engine because it was the only way to send you any kind of hug. Thank you for posting in the midst of the devestation. And love just love to you all. XXXX

  • Skyjoy

    Thank you for the update in the midst of all your turmoil and grief. I’ve often thought of you, Scott and your family as I have followed your blog for years and feel connected. Not for just the kink but for your insightful writing about life in general. My heart hurts for you all. Wishing and praying that you and yours will eventually find the peace and serenity to live life in its fullest in both the present and future.

    You’re in the thoughts and prayers of your many internet friends.

  • Brooke

    Thank you for updating in this space. I know a lot of us followed you to the other blog when you went, but for us this space feels different, somehow. I’m so sorry you’re still hurting so much. I worry about you and Scott, about your ability to come through this together (M/s or not), and I think of you and send good energy your way often, strangerfriend.

    Selfishly, I hope you don’t delete this blog. I grew up with this blog. I learned a lot from this blog. Given that you have no idea who I am, this blog probably means more to me than it should. But I speak with certainty when I say that every single reader here only wants you to do what is best for you, and only wants you to find your way back to okay. Do what you need to do. We all understand. And as you can see, we’re all still thinking of you, and hoping for you, and pulling for you.

    • Kathryn A Ernst

      Could you give me the other blog address

  • lunaKM

    I’ve missed you, and even if this post is meant to be a more final goodbye I’ll still miss you. Never because of the BDSM or M/s or sex you talked about but the you we all go to know between these posts. I can’t imagine the pain, grief and life changes you are going through but I do appreciate the update on who you are now and where you are in all of the mess. Love always.


  • Kathryn A Ernst

    I cried again today for you and Scott and your girls. I pray that your guilt is assuaged, became even if you had not moved Brandon still may have been at her house that day. If you blog somewhere else I would love to know. I started reading because of the bdsm M/s and stayed because I loved your writing and glimpses into your family. I will continue to pray for you.

  • Loulou

    Still thinking of you and praying for you from the order side of the world…

  • Jesz

    I missed you. I can’t begin to imagine the pain you feel and it’s a pain I’ve always been terrified of. I sincerely hope that writing this can give you some kind of peace, and I would be here for every post regardless of what you’re writing about. I’ve followed you for years without ever commenting and it became about so much more than just your relationship status. I grieved when you said why you were leaving, and I checked regularly to see if you had returned. Even without being friends irl, you’ve found a special place in my heart.

  • abby

    I have thought of you often, so thank you for the update. I cannot even start to imagine what you have been going through…No words of wisdom, just hugs and prayers. abby

  • Michael Johnson

    The fact that you’re writing I see as a positive step. Hope I’m right, rare as that may be. Every time I try to say/write something encouraging, comforting, or helpful I type, read, delete, rinse and repeat. It is the written word and I don’t have the skills to communicate with them as I would like. Please know that a lot of people care and I’m one of them.

  • Lea

    I’m happy to hear of an update from you. Not because of M/s, but because I have wondered and worried about you two. The loss you’ve experienced is horrific, and my hope is that you can slowly learn how to be a person again, before learning to be a slave. If down the line M/s is what you need, great! But just getting through the day as a human is the big thing. Think of you guys and your family.

  • Ash

    You have been working so hard to hold yourself and your family up through everything, you are simply amazing for updating this space for us internet peeps. Thank you and I wish you even more strength and clarity.

  • Alofa

    Be gentle with yourself, and know that there will be always be love and support for you out here.

  • Outlander

    I suffered a devastating loss in 2010. I believed the pall would never lift, that the world would forever be muffled in cotton and my feet too heavy to lift. For me, it finally did lift. Just an almost imperceptible amount at first. Just one breath a day a little deeper than the others. Just a fraction of a second when the weight seemed a feather’s weight lighter. It finally lifted for me. Whether it will ever lift for you is not for me to say. All I offer is that my experience with losing someone I was so connected to was, I believed, beyond my ability to endure. Time, and the help of others, proved me wrong. My hope is that you will also find some peace.

    For me, the connections between people are the reason we exist. When the connections are made falsely or for the wrong the reasons it can be crushing. When the connections are for the right reasons and with the right people is the time when hearts sing and spirits soar. These connections are gifts and should be treasured and honored.

    You have shared many gifts with the world. Your son was one such gift. Your writing is another. Please do not let your gift of writing be taken also.

    Whatever you choose is of course your choice.

    You are a gifted writer. It connects people with good things and helps them. You are not writing into a vacuum. I can not speak for others but your writing connects with me and I am better for it.

    Whatever you do is your choice.

  • Ashley

    I just thought about you again a couple days ago. I cannot find the new blog link. I came for the kink, but I stayed for you. If you delete this blog, will you make another post with the new blog?

  • Floridadom

    So sorry for your loss. I am at a loss for words. You certainly have endured a nightmare and hope you can just take onc step at a time. I hope you don’t delete the blog and hope you stop by from time to time just to say hello regardless of whether or not you are in BDSM. Sending many thoughts and prayers.

  • Mr. Upton Ogood

    I’ve been following your other blog and have a sense of the toll it has all taken on y’all. Every time I think to write something, I feel as though the words are empty of all the emotion I would like to convey. In the end I find nothing I say could begin to be helpful or comforting.

    I’m glad that you came back for the update. If you are done, then thanks for all you wrote. If you chose to continue, in altered form, G’bless..I’m sure lots of us would love to have you back in whatever form.

    “….in the end, the love you take is equal to the love you make”…you have, through sharing of yourself, given much love to so, so many….you clearly have an enormous well of love coming to you.

    God bless you both, be well

    Mr. Upton Ogood

  • Meg

    You guys sent my husband and I some winter coats in 2010 when we were engaged and were struggling financially and I was struggling with Depression and Anxiety and things. You also gave me the sage advice to just get outside and walk around.

    It helped, but it did not fix things, because that’s what good advice does. I think about those coats (my husband still wears the blue one over his work clothes because he wants to look nice, and professional at work), and I appreciate everything, from the thoughts you shared, to the little everyday normal life updates, to that kindness, which warmed me from the outside in, and the inside out. I wish there was something I could do for you to show you that I’m there for you in the same way. If there is, please let me know. I realize it isn’t a remotely similar situation, though.

    I’m so glad you are still together and there for each other, even if it is just to mourn through this painful, awful time.

    I hope you will both know no more sorrow.

    May I please have your new blog address?


  • Zyah

    As a reader since the beginning, I have thought of you and your family often. There are no adequate words but I do wish you strength.


  • Sir

    Even though you dumped me a ” friend ” with THE break-up and I was VERY sadden to hear of the loss of your son and to both of you kaya and Scott my heart goes out to you.

    I hope you both can somehow get peace with his loss..


  • anne

    dear kaya – i’ve been following you for many, many, many years. since you started your livejournal. in all the years, i’ve never posted a comment to you. i have followed your life silently. you are in this canadian girl’s thoughts, and i am thinking of you and your family. i wish you all the best. thank you for letting me read.

  • d

    I’m not sure why I decided to check on the blog today, but I’m glad I did. From a totally vanilla reader who stumbled across you a decade ago, do whatever you need to do to let you keep breathing and putting one foot in front of the next. There’s nothing I can say to make anything better, but I ache for you and your family. And I hope, in time, your grief will change and it will be a little easier to take that next step and next breath.

  • Sapphire Rose

    I still check here often, just to see if this side of you has come back. I regularly read at your other place, though I don’t think I’ve ever left a comment. I do read and have a ‘like’ on your kindness page. I’ve been a reader since your livejournal days and was on my own journey :)

    Allow yourself to not feel ready to pick up your old lifestyle. Don’t feel pressured about what you ‘should’ be doing when it comes to this – things will happen when the time is ready for them to.

    As your readers, we’re all here for YOU. To hear YOUR story, YOUR voice, YOUR truth – as raw as it is. We are here to be your cheering squad as you go along your life journey.

  • Gayle

    Hello Kaya,

    I wrote to you once a few years ago and you sent the kindest, most helpful message back to me. I’ve been silently following you for a long time, and have checked back regularly since the death of your son, to your profile or to Scott’s, over on FL, or here on your blog site. Just to see how you were doing. I wish you both peace again in your hearts. Someday. I’m so sorry for your loss. Words are inadequate.

  • Yvette

    I think of you both often. Been with you since the beginning. So very sorry about B-man.

  • Lynnsey

    I’m so sorry to hear about the murder of your son. Forty years in prison for murder is bullshit. I hope karma finds your son’s murder and makes him pay for what he did.

    I know I said it in the previous post where you mentioned your son’s death, but I want to mention it again. I’m sorry if I didn’t keep up well with your blog. After my Tess was born, I didn’t have any sexual drive for seven months and I didn’t start having sex again until a year after her birth. It wasn’t just your blog, but sex sites I stopped going to because there was no drive. Then, I had become busy watching two little ones. I never stopped thinking about you or your family though and I feel guilt now that I didn’t stay on top your blog more prior to B-man’s death.

    I don’t know if you will continue to post on here or not. You can still read my entries on Live Journal as well as Dreamwidth. In fact, if you still want to blog, maybe you can resurrect at Dreamwidth. I miss you and my heart goes out to you and your family over the hell you’ve gone through since B-man’s death. *Huge hugs*

  • Anonymous

    don’t care about the D/… I never met you in person or even talked to you or emailed but I’ve checked this page every week since your last post…I’m so sorry, and I’m thankful for the update…I keep you in my thoughts and send healing prayers your way


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