Under His Hand

The journal of a slave

Catch up

I don’t really know why I needed to write my sister’s story. A few weeks ago, I had a conversation with another sibling after we all learned of her having moved out of slime-guy’s place and into stranger-guy’s place and this sibling had zero compassion or concern. On one level I get that (and in fact, I have those same feelings for an even different sibling of ours lol), on another level though, there are things I know about Christie that most of the rest of the family doesn’t know. In spite of there being almost a decade between us, Christie and I are fairly close, in so much as Christie lets people get close to her, that is.

Anyway. When something is rolling around in my head, the best way to turn it off is to get it out. So I did. And while I appreciate the advise for al-anon and boundaries, the truth is Christie maintains her own boundaries which are far stricter than any I would put up on my own. She knows I have an open door policy should she ever, ever need or want a place to go. She also knows I won’t pay for her addiction. For now, those are the only boundaries I need to have since she’s not interested (yet–or ever) in taking me up on the offer.

In other family news and speaking of open door policies(!)– Jack(who used to be Amber) is moving in with us at the end of the summer AND he’s bringing his queer-platonic-life-partner too! Isn’t that exciting?

It is, actually. For us. It’s not really a complicated story, they need a boost to get where they want to be going and they just can’t get ahead where they are. It wasn’t anything they asked for, it was an offer we extended to them. An opportunity to save some money, broaden their horizons, get out of the rut they are stuck in.

As for the queer-platonic-life-partner business… well, in my day we called them BFF’s, which is what I said to Jack and he said no, it’s more than that with them. That while they aren’t romantically involved, they make life decisions together and are in a committed relationship. So while I still think a non-romantic “life” partner is still just your best friend, it’s whatever, I don’t care what label they use.

The advantage of Jack having a built in BFF when he moves here is that I am thus relieved from being the BFF during his stay. They can go do things and explore things and have the experiences that 20-somethings like to have that 45-somethings aren’t interested in. The other advantage of having them with us is that we get a built in dog/house sitter which frees us up a LOT to be able to go do the things we want to do.

I am quite looking forward to it. I miss my kid, it’s never sat well with me how we moved and “abandoned” them, and this will go a long way in easing my mind. I don’t think parenting ever ends and I don’t think most ever stop wanting their kids to succeed, nor do I ever stop wanting to help them succeed. So I am.

Jack’s transition is on-going, it’s a slow process. He’s filed the paperwork for the legal name change (and the middle name was a non-issue in that I don’t think he even remembered asking me to pick it and he just chose what he wanted) and has seen the endocrinologist and the therapist so he can start taking testosterone. He doesn’t have the prescription yet, and it’s still not a sure thing (mostly considering cost, which he doesn’t know yet how much it will be), but the therapist has ‘approved’ it and sent the letter of recommendation/diagnosis and the endocrinologist has completed all the tests and blood work to make sure Jack is healthy enough to start it, so it’s just a matter of time.

And then, at some point in the future, Jack will have top surgery. Which I personally find utterly terrifying and hard to accept and… I’m very grateful it is not something he can do right now. I suppose that means that deep down, I still think (hope?) it’s a phase. Surgery is entirely too final.

Also, I’ve had to go back and correct the many times I’ve misgendered Jack just in this post. I might have even missed some. It’s difficult.

My other ‘abandoned’ child is actually doing quite well for himself. He landed himself a pretty decent job, decent pay for the area anyway, and between that and his Army Reserves income, he’s okay. He has another 2 1/2 years to go on his enlistment and then his plan is to move away from there as well. He’s not sure yet if he wants to come here where we are or where he wants to go. I don’t worry as much about him as I used to, though. He’s proven himself resilient and resourceful and responsible. I still think he’s too young to be so entirely unsupervised and the potential for screwing up royally is pretty high, but somehow he just keeps proving my fears unfounded. So.

Lastly, my third but first (oldest) child is also doing quite well. She’s working, raising kids, studying. There is still a possibility that she and the babygirls will be coming back stateside next year so she can do the clinical portion of her course, but that’s proving to be a little more complicated than she’d thought. I guess leaving before your husband has been reassigned comes with some consequences that we aren’t sure are worth the benefits. So we’ll see, I guess. I definitely want them to come home, obviously, but I also want them to make choices that are smart for the their future, not what’s best for me in the moment.

Babygirl #1 is going to be 7 in just over a month. SEVEN. That is not a typo! She’ll be heading into the second grade in the fall, she’s doing exceptionally well in school, reading at a 5th grade level and is in an advanced reader’s program at school. She has hair down to her butt. She also recently wrote her very first fanfic, starring the Monster High characters. It was a long, rambling story that hardly made any sense but I thought it was just too funny. Fanfic at age 6, lol. I love her. She’s otherwise a bit of a gamer geek, she likes to play WoW with her dad and Minecraft.

Babygirl 2.0 is three and a half, and is a pretty typical 3 year old. I just can’t believe how much they’ve grown and changed since they left.

I watch Jes now: see how responsible she is, what a great mom she’s turned into, how well she’s doing with her life, and while I know her story isn’t over and there’s lots of time to fuck it all up, I think back to the naysayers and negative nancy’s here in the comments on the blog when I used to talk about her and I just want to say one thing



Master and I are already packing up, getting ready to move. It’s just across town to a much larger house with a much much larger yard, which will be great for the dogs. My puppy is doing awesome, though he will need another surgery in a few months when he’s finished growing. We still have to find out where his missing teeth ended up and hopefully open up his clogged nasal passages so he can breathe better. He’s otherwise the happiest, bounciest, spoiledest dog in the history of dogs.

I’m also currently fostering a three-legged, large breed mix (if anyone is looking to adopt a low-energy, low-maintenance dog, hit me up. We transport out of state!). He’s pretty chill, but has some issues of his own from his backstory, too.

Kink-wise, you know… things just roll on. I think I’m just incredibly bored with talking about it, writing about it. There are only so many ways you can describe sex and pain and I’ve done them all, pretty sure. I’m more about the rest of life now, than about the kinky fuckery. I rather like how life has progressed and changed. We’re content, happy. There isn’t much I would change right now (except making Germany right next door, maybe.)

Writing has been sparse here, and will probably continue to be. You know how moving can be. What a pain in the ass!

Here are a couple of photos of my puppy though. He’s gotten so BIG (55 pounds at his last check up), but these show some of his facial deformities. The underbite is a result of the crushing to his snout and middle face, the cells there are stunted in growth. So his lower jaw is growing at a normal pace, but his upper is not. The result is the underbite.


The other photo just shows how crooked his face is. His eyes aren’t even, his nose leans- but he’s still my gorgeous baby boy. :)