Under His Hand

The journal of a slave

April A to Z — L is for…

L is for Laughter.

It’s a key component in lasting relationships, I think, don’t you? Master and I both have a kooky sense of humor and we make each other laugh all the time. He is fun. Fun to be around. He is always making me laugh- and I do the same to him.

I know I sometimes give the impression that things here at casa de cunt are rocky or strained, and that’s not the case at all. Just because I come here and angst and navel gaze doesn’t mean our relationship is teetering on the edge. I assure you it’s not. We always figure things out.

In spite of the fact that we DO have some things we need to figure out, we’re still making each other laugh, still having fun, still committed to each other, to this, to M/s.

I’m grateful that Master isn’t one of those high protocol sort. He enjoys my humor and the banter we have, that someone who is high protocol would probably find disrespectful. We are constantly calling each other names, exchanging mock insults, cracking jokes, making horrible puns, and generally being inappropriate for our own amusement.

I like to think that even if, for whatever reason, the M/s took a hiatus, we’d still find pleasure in each other’s company. Because even through this latest bump, we’re still enjoying each other’s company. :)

L is for Let it go.

(Did you just sing that? Cuz I did. I haven’t been nonconsensually forced to watch Frozen in over a year but I still can’t not sing that fucking song.)

I would like to say that I was slavey enough to have come to the conclusion that I needed no changes from him in order to “let it go” but that would be a big bucket of bullshit. :)

I did need some changes from him.

What I got wasn’t any sort of compromise or acquiescence to my demands on his behavior. What he HAS done is acknowledge that he unplugged from me. What he HAS done is be more present.

That game he deleted? It’s been reinstalled. He’s playing it. I’m fine with that.

But what happened over a week or two of not having it there as a distraction was making him see how distracted he really was. In the time it was gone, we’ve played, we’ve had lots of sex, we’ve spent time together just watching movies, talking, laughing, going for walks.

I’m trying to be mindful of the part I played in being an obstacle myself. Enthusiasm and agreeable are my middle names these days.

We are letting go of old hurts, of cynicism and grudges. I’m not allowed to bring up things from the past, neither is he. We can only be present in this moment. If I am falling back into old behaviors, he will tell me what he is seeing NOW. Same for me. I can say what I’m feeling today.

Here’s an example:

When he’s playing his game, he wears headphones and is chatting with other players or listening to music. Or both. So getting his attention isn’t as easy as just saying “Hey Master?” or whatever. I have to either holler or tap on his shoulder. He’d started to respond negatively to me, no matter how I “interrupted” him, because that’s what he felt I was doing- interrupting.

However, my rules are that I have to ask permission for, like, everything so I began to respond just as negatively. I might not ask at all, and risk being called on it. I might stomp away muttering under my breath. I might tell him he’s being a dickhead and to stop fucking ignoring me.

But that’s not communicating.

So, just the other day, after he’d started to get testy about being “interrupted”, he stopped and made me come over to him. He put the headphones on me and then talked to me. I couldn’t hear a word he was saying, of course. While I understand that he legitimately cannot hear me, that doesn’t address the issue.

I said “Perhaps you need to consider relieving me of the burden of having to ask you things if you don’t want me interrupting you. Because it’s hurtful when you snap at me when all I’m doing is following your rules. It makes me reluctant to be obedient.”

We just don’t look at it from the other’s perspective, but now that we have, in order to avoid future unpleasantness over it, there has to be some allowances made. He obviously doesn’t want me to be reluctant to be obedient and hadn’t realized he’d put me in the position of choosing whether being disobedient was the lesser of two evils, but neither is he setting me up to fail by giving me rules and then “punishing” me for following them, which is how it felt to me.

I think that getting to be and do whatever they want is a valid draw to being the Boss, but I don’t know that they always comprehend our responses to it. I’m not sure he’d even considered WHY I was responding so negatively other than “she’s just being a bitch because I’m playing the game so I’m going to be a dick right back”. Which is far too simplistic.

It’s pretty amazing what you discover when you start talking. O.O

L is for Learning Curve.

Because duh, lol.

3 Responses to “April A to Z — L is for…”

  • ancilla ksst

    Gosh, so many great things here! L is for Love this.

  • jade

    i can relate to nearly every word of this. Thankfully, SR considers me making her laugh daily to be a service. We have a blind problem here, in that her headphones are black, she is black, and i will talk to her having no idea she can’t hear me. Heh. A black-on-black situation is frustrating. So is needing her attention to do something and her sighing at me. i’ve never figured out a good way to deal with this, other than texting her (vibration gets her attention). But-yes-it sure helps when they can see that we are actually trying to do what is required and it gets very….hurtful… when we are snapped at in return. Fortunately, i don’t have to ask to pee, so most of what i’m needing permission for can actually wait a bit while i work on other things. i wonder if he would be willing to relax some of the rules while he is playing? Is that something you can discuss with him?

  • Kate

    I like putting on my Bose headset and watching some mindless amazon prime or netflix videos – it’s a form of escape and I really enjoy it….so I only do it when Michael is napping otherwise we try to be present with each other – yet we hang out and do our own thing as well. I have made a strong effort to not be on the computer after a certain time at night, that’s “our” time with no distractions or interruptions. Everyone needs their own space, but defining when that happens is how it worked for us. He likes to watch stupid videos online and read A LOT….but we’ve figured out a zen that works for us. You will too

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