Under His Hand

The journal of a slave

April A to Z — J is for…

J is for Juxtaposed.

I’ve kind of been going round and round with the word juxtaposed and whether or not it’s the correct word for what I’m trying to convey. I understand what juxtaposed means (good/evil, dark/light, etc.), so if it doesn’t work for this entry then I’ll just be wrong. :)

I’m thinking of slave/wife. The differences and similarities, and if there are all that many.

It’s a somewhat common topic that crops up on Fet. What makes a person a slave when the slave is in a traditional married or committed relationship. It seems like the answer gets whittled down to consent and intent. Because there aren’t any specific attributes or actions that set one aside from ‘married’ to ‘master and slave’. Other than “because we said so”.

In some M/s relationships, it’s easy to highlight the differences. Particularly in relationships where the couple aren’t in love, aren’t romantic. A relationship that is entirely, perhaps, obedience based, or service based. They don’t do traditional “couple” things together. Maybe they don’t live together, or sleep together, or shop/eat/pay bills together. Maybe they are each in separate romantic relationships with other people.

I feel like the waters get muddied when Master and slave are also husband and wife. There’s too much crossover.

At least, in my relationship I feel like the waters got muddied.

In a typical day, I don’t FEEL like a slave unless I purposely look for slave things. But I don’t like that. I don’t like having to LOOK for things.

Trust me, it’s occurred to me that I’m far too high maintenance for my own good. :)

But if I believe that if I stripped off the labels of Master and slave and if I believe that absolutely nothing about my day to day life would be different, then what, exactly, makes me a slave?

Because I said so? Because I choose that label from the drop down box?

Because he tells me I am even if he is choosing not to exercise any of the authority he says he has? And does he really have it if he doesn’t use it?

On the flip side, though, is the possibility that I’ve reached a state of obliviousness – or apathy. I’m so immersed in my everyday existence that I’ve stopped noticing the tools he’s used or is using, or that I’m using, that do, in fact, highlight the difference between slave and wife.

A wife in a traditional, vanilla marriage probably doesn’t ask for permission to use the bathroom, nor would she probably just hold it indefinitely if her husband said ‘not right now’ just for shits and giggles.

She probably reserves the right to not take it up the ass if she didn’t want to, or to change her mind if it’s hurting when she previously thought maybe she was in the mood for some anal sex.

And whether or not a vanilla wife has to cook and clean because these things need done anyway, I imagine there’s a little more freedom to procrastinate or make her own cleaning schedule.

Also, probably, she doesn’t have to stand still for painful nipple pinching, ass slapping, or getting popped in the mouth, at all, ever, even if it only happens once in awhile (or every day. Or never. Like.. she would never have to.)

She’d have choices, is my point I guess.

And though it might feel, to me, like I have choices or that I’m making choices all day long, if I open my eyes to the juxtaposition of slave/wife, my “choices” are not really choices at all.

I can choose to obey or I can choose to be forced to obey. But either way, I’ll be taking it up the ass no matter how much I cry that it hurts, I’ll be getting slapped if he wants to, and I’ll lift my face up and get popped in the mouth until my lips bleed if he feels it’s warranted.

What will I do about it? Nothing.

Because slave.

A long, long time ago, I had asked the question what happens when things like caning or whipping aren’t enough anymore; does it just keep ramping up and up into a need, on either side, to start breaking arms?

And while that me was a young, naive, new slave and my thoughts hadn’t progressed too far beyond pain play (which was my focus and obsession then) I feel like I’ve reached that same analogy.

In my everyday life, do I need my arm broken to feel like a slave instead of a wife? And what, exactly, is the response to that?

17 Responses to “April A to Z — J is for…”

  • ancilla ksst

    I know what feels like being a slave for me. But with all the restrictions and things you have to do all the time, why does that not feel like slavery? Too much niceness again?

    My slaviest moment of the day was when I took the bad jelly I bought back to the store. Because… I’m a giant chicken about returning things. I’d rather just throw it out and forget it than have to go and complain. But last time I bought a moldy cheese Master made me take it back to the store, after many protests from me and various implied threats from him I finally did it. This time, I told him the jelly was moldy and he said I should return it. And I did today, without waiting for any more reminders/threats/hoping he’d forget about it.

    • kaya

      No, he’s not being too nice lol. It’s not anything he is or isn’t doing. At least I don’t think so.

      That’s what I’m trying to figure out, honestly. Maybe it’s just me, maybe it’s 12 years old (the M/s) and I’m complacent. Maybe I’m trying to change my perspective.


  • ancilla ksst

    One thing someone said to me a while ago that really stuck with me was that it doesn’t matter if I’m FEELING like a slave at any particular moment, because the fact is that I AM, whether I feel it or not.

    After all, do I wonder on a daily basis (or ever) if I feel like a wife? No. Because the fact is that I am, and I don’t have to feel it. It just is a fact of my life.

    • kaya

      I know that I am. Intellectually, I know I am. But feeling it is important to me, too. It’s the difference between ‘being it’ and ‘living it’. I want to live it, not just be it. I don’t want to be trying to find something M/s-y in a normal, everyday interaction. I want to KNOW it’s M/s because it can’t be mistaken for anything else, and because we’re both mindful of what we want out of M/s.

      http://submissivesanctuary.blogspot.com/2016/04/q-round-3-difference-between-living-and.html?zx=d88438e06514aab1 I asked lil this question back in March. Her answer makes sense to me.

  • mckitten

    *One thing someone said to me a while ago that really stuck with me was that it doesn’t matter if I’m FEELING like a slave at any particular moment, because the fact is that I AM, whether I feel it or not.*

    i really can’t put it any better than this.

  • Villanelle

    Well, y’know, I am in a vanilla relationship and let me tell you, if I say yes to anal but it hurts too much, he’s going to keep going until the end no matter how much I cry and bleed. And yes, I get slapped if he feels like it. (You lose me on the holding in the pee, and the cooking and cleaning – he is way more tidy than I am, so he can do the cleaning himself.) You could say that certain of those things blur the lines between slave and wife – but honestly? There are no blurred lines. Our relationship is absolutely not a M/s relationship (or any variation thereof). There just isn’t that dynamic. I think the difference between a slave and a wife is not so much the actions as the rapport between the people concerned – but I don’t know, I’m coming at this from the opposite side.

    • kaya

      I have to assume that you consent to, and on some level like the dynamic you have, where he doesn’t have to listen to you say no to sex and where he can slap you if he wants to. I think that’s pretty unusual for *most* vanilla relationships, though there are always exceptions to the rule. I’m not sure I’d label you as vanilla, knowing this.

      You’re going to find M/s relationships where the only HINT of M/s is the label, and that’s enough for them. (It wouldn’t be for me. At all.) But in those cases, then probably yes, rapport would be the difference between slave and wife (or M/s and vanilla).

      • Villanelle

        Oh, we’re absolutely vanilla, we just have rough sex sometimes – the relationship itself is a relationship of equals and there’s no M/s dynamic. You say you aren’t sure you’d label me as vanilla, but at the same time, it’s so hard to label a relationship when you’re looking at it from the outside. All relationships are so different that like you said, some M/s relationships only have the label without the play (but remain firmly M/s relationships), and some vanilla relationships (like mine) involve strange sexual acts but don’t have a whiff of M/s about them. In the end it’s up to the people involved to label themselves, or refrain from doing so. I don’t know if your unhappiness is really to do with the slave label itself, because that label is so vague and means so many different things to different people. Maybe it’s just that the dynamic between you and Scott is shifting at the moment and your relationship is changing, and maybe you’re bored? Anyway, whatever the reason, I hope you guys figure it out soon :)

        • kaya

          I wouldn’t label you in an attempt to convince YOU that you’re not vanilla. I label things to myself just to categorize things for my own understanding. And even at that, I’d not try to convince you otherwise.

          My (previous) dissatisfaction isn’t about the label because there really is no definition for slave. It is more about expectations, I guess.

  • Anonymous

    Hi, I know what you mean, I think if you do something for long enough then it just feels normal/everyday and the m/s feeling can fade, i know it happens to me then something happens whether it be a look or word or whatever then reminds me that I am a slave, make sense?

  • Blanca

    Just an idea: people need grand rituals as much as they need small ones. Perhaps you do get used to small things -sleeping while bound, asking to pee etc- but the grand rituals such as going to a play party at least once a month, or having a grand spank-off every two weeks, or buying something and using it every week, are a different story – they will be different each time, more emotionally charged. Especially the rituals that include going out, since you do have to prepeare yourself extra carefully. Dressing up has quite an impact on us. Is it possible to put these on schedule? Sure, you might miss one due to work but you can be vigilant and restore them the next time.

    • kaya

      That would help, yes. I’m sure it would. Anything to shake up the monotony of it, right?

      • Blanca

        As well as something to look forward to :).

  • dancingbarez

    Yeah, this is an easy feeling to fall into because we get used to all and it feels so normal. Really, it is normal it’s just our normal.

    A lot of times something small will produce that “Duh” moment like not having access to money, or being able to run out without permission etc. It’s never the physical stuff for some reason. It’s hard to explain.

  • ancilla ksst

    Monotony. Yes, I can relate.

    I went for my walk today, and I was mulling over this post, and I feel there is something escaping me here. Something I just really don’t understand. I mean, I understand all the words you wrote, but as far as a visceral and deep understanding of meaning, I don’t get it. When I read the blog you linked to, I didn’t understand that either. The difference between living and being? shrugs. I don’t understand. It must be me though, because all the other commenters were right there with her.

    I do understand monotony though, and the need to break out of it sometimes.

    Well, it was sure better thinking about this than mulling over a really irritating conversation I had with Master yesterday, and what I’m going to do with that.

    • kaya

      I’m not surprised you don’t understand because you haven’t felt it. Maybe you will, maybe you won’t. It’s the difference between cooking a meal and eating a meal. The meal is still there, either way. You can see it, smell it, touch it. But one is the whole experience, and one is missing a very vital part of the experience. I guess, lucky for you, you are still eating.

  • ancilla ksst

    When was the last time you felt like a slave?
    What was the cause of that? Something he did? Something inside yourself?
    How long did it last?
    What made the feeling leave? Something else that happened, or just gradually faded?


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