Under His Hand

The journal of a slave

50 Flavors of Vanilla

2,500 miles.
7 days.
2 hotels.

8 million tears, and they’re gone again. ~sniffle~

We had a spectacularly fun visit. I just focused on enjoying the time I had because who knows when I’ll see them again. Months from now, at the very least. They are stationed there until 2015 and since he’s re-enlisting, who knows where they will go after.

I’m (mostly) okay with the distance nowadays. Jes is doing fabulously -still(!)- and the kids are happy and healthy. So are the parents, for that matter. Color me shocked (still, haha) at how well they are all doing. I didn’t predict this AT ALL. In fact, I predicted it’d be over in 6 months and it’s been well over a year so there you go. My psychic powers are crap apparently.

Anyway. Things are good on that end. Babygirl wasn’t even all too upset about going home/leaving me (gasp!). She missed her mommy and daddy and though she cried when I said goodbye, it was brief and she was happily settling down with a dvd before we all left the parking lot.

Jes is looking at starting Babygirl in preschool this year. Can you believe she’s that old already? And Version 2.0 will have her first birthday in 2 weeks. My god but time flies. Makes me feel incredibly old. Bah.

What also makes me feel old is this big empty silent house! Amber has moved out -again. She stayed here while she was between roommates but she’s off again into another place and going back to school. She’s completely switched her courses from the English/Writing to some sort of office/business something-or-other. A more useful (employable) turn I’m thinking, though sad, too, that it’s so far off the grid of her interests. She very cynically told me that parents should stop telling their kids they can be whatever they want to be when they grow up because it’s not true. Ah well. Welcome to the world of reality, kid.

B-man has gone to stay with his dad for a little bit, hence our current empty nest. His dad had a job offer for him and since he has some time yet before the Army gets their claws into him, he decided to give it a go. It’s not permanent, he has to come back here, but he’s got a good 3 months before he HAS to be back. He might want to come back sooner, though.

I don’t know if any of you remember my older posts about my kids’ dad- about the abandonment, the 100 grand he owes in back child support, the fact that he was the poster boy for Deadbeat Dads everywhere…Yeah. Well, strangely enough something (age, perhaps) changed in him and he’s been an almost-decent guy to the kids lately. He’s not only been paying child support, he’s helping the kids out with various expenses. In fact, since B-man turned 18 he could have dropped his child support payments down to a minimum amount, say 20 bucks a week even, just to stay in the good graces of the courts over the arrears, but instead he’s sending just over 100 bucks a week for the purpose of keeping up Am’s tuition. AND he’s got our son living with him, AND he’s helping Jes out now and again with extra cash.

Maybe he won the lottery. Maybe he got lonely. Maybe he got tired of sitting in jail, lol. Whatever the reason, I’m glad for the kids. I don’t care how old you are, being ‘forgotten’ by your own father is painful. I should know, as I don’t even know if my bio-dad is dead or alive. Actually, that’s not true. I do know because he stays in contact with my older sister but has no interest in me. Painful. Yup.


Speaking of my older sister, I got to spend some time with 2 of my sisters on my trip to return the grandbabies. That was really a lot of fun. I have never been very close to them because they are so much older than I am. They’d grown and moved out and away before I was even in my teens. This was the first time we’d ever related to each other as equals and had things in common. Any occasion that we’d talked before, like family holdays, etc., we’d always been in different places in our lives with nothing relatable to share.

It was interesting to talk with them about our childhoods. So many things we shared and yet so many things were vastly different. We pretty much grew up in different families. They were 14 and 15 when my parents divorced so their memories are of that nuclear family with the stay-at-home mom who dragged them to church every Sunday, dinners around the table, holidays with the grandparents and cousins.

Whereas I was 4 when my parents divorced, I don’t remember my dad at all. I don’t think I ever saw my cousins after the divorce (because I never saw my dad). I was 6 when my mom remarried and everything went to shit. They both remember me as a baby but they were also both married, had a kid and had moved away by the time they were 17. I would have been 7.

So yeah. We were never close. I felt like we connected which is always nice with family.

Master did a fabulous job while I was gone. lol. I know I shouldn’t have any doubts about his ability to manage things, he’s more than shown me he’s capable (hell, he manages me just fine. ;) ) but somehow I’m convinced only I can run the house.

Which pretty much tells me I’m not *really* running the house at all, HE is. I am nothing if not consistent in my delusions, eh?

He kept everyone -dogs, cats, chickens- fed and watered and happy while I was gone. Including himself! And I’d prepared not a single damn thing before I left. Hmmph.

So that’s where things stand with me. I’ve only been home for a day and a half so no real chance to do anything kinky or interesting. I’d started a decluttering-my-life campaign just before the babies came and that got put on hold in favor of patty cake and play-doh but I’m anxious to pick that back up again. Everything around me feels heavy and time consuming lately and I want all the excess gone. Master and I have talked a lot about how the list of things we want to do is so long and we never have the time to get to even a portion of it. We need to prioritize and then purge the reminders of what we can’t/aren’t going to do.

Having too many things to do is overwhelming. It’s hard to choose. Like a kid in a candy store sort of. Put a kid in a candy store and tell him he can only have one piece and he’ll spend an hour trying to choose and then walk away wishing he’d picked something else, probably. But narrow his choices down to, say, choosing between 2 pieces of candy and he’s quicker to choose and less likely to regret.

I’m looking at our life like that lately. Master’s got a hobby list a mile long. While I’m loathe to put BDSM into the mix as a “hobby”, kink activities could maybe fall into the list. But when he’s finally got a free night or an open Saturday afternoon and he’s not on call or exhausted from an 80 hour work week, his mile long ‘hobby’ list competes with the mile long have-to-fix list and a lot of times he just throws his hands up at the impossibility of it all and sequesters himself into a mindless computer game instead.

So. Prioritize. And then… Eliminate the competition. That’s the name of the game.

Maybe that doesn’t make sense to anyone but me. I’ve always been bothered by clutter and mental clutter is just as bothersome and dust-collecting as actual clutter. Purge purge purge!

(Do I really have to add the disclaimer that our dynamic is not a hobby and is not put on hold or otherwise located to the bottom of the priority list? I’m talking entirely of kinky activities, not the “he’s in charge and I’m not” bit.)

ps. Thank you for the welcome back comments. It’s good to have been missed! I missed all of you just as much!

10 Responses to “50 Flavors of Vanilla”

  • nilla

    welcome home!

    sounds like your kids are all in a good place–and you did that. You gave them that foundation, at any rate…a safe place to leap from. Yay you! Decluttering is the goal of my life, but my kids are still too young for much purging..but their interests are changing and some of the real little stuff can go. (thank the gods!) Enjoy your time back. Prioritize–words to live by. I’m off to go hang a shelf I promised to do a month ago! Enjoy your quiet days…Hoping there will be some “noisy nights” ahead for you both!


  • SamIAm

    Welcome back!

    My advice is to relax and enjoy the process of establishing the new “Normal”

  • TakenbyLovely

    I feel like everyone I know is going through a period of intense growth. I’m not sure if that’s because everyone is doing that all the time and I’m just aware of it now, or if it’s because of something else.

    I am glad to see you back. I hope you enjoy your empty nest as much as you can.

  • Lila-Kitten

    To be honest, this was really long for my attention span so I’ll come back and read it later. I’m glad you’re back. Master and I are on our own private little journey to wherever the fuck we’re going and I feel better about keeping it private because you said it was okay. (isn’t that ridiculous? he said it was okay, too. lol) Sometimes it feels like everyone is judging dynamics from the outside when you blog about them and I guess they are, but the issue comes when those voices get louder than the ones in your heart and your head. That’s a good time to walk away for a while.

    <3 Kitten

  • ancilla ksst

    I’m glad you had a great vacation! Welcome back!
    I really feel like doing some decluttering too, if I could just work up the energy…

  • lepp

    just :D

  • jade

    Wow. Babygirl has really adjusted splendidly. It’s amazing to me how your daughter bloomed into an amazing wife and mother. Any news on the step daughter?

    It seems like a good idea to have the priorities set. Personally, i’d want kink at the top of the list, but i don’t make the list, so there ya go. :)

    i’m really happy for you and all you have accomplished as a mother and grandmother.

  • Mira

    Does this mean that kinky movie night is back on?

    • kaya

      Oh hell yeah. We’ve just got to coordinate a weekend. :)

  • sera

    Oh, just saw that you are back–belated welcomes back!!!!


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