Under His Hand

The journal of a slave

Bit-o-this, bit-o-that

I’m gearing up for surgery, which is in 2 weeks (13 days, actually). I’m nervous as fuck about it, to tell the truth. I don’t like pain, did you know? True story.

I’ve got a grocery list going and I’m shopping today. My plan is to only make things I can double and freeze between now and then (eat one for dinner, freeze the other), mostly easy thing- casseroles, soups, and stews, etc. I don’t expect that I’ll be unable to cook for 2 weeks after, but I want to be prepared anyway and they keep for months in the freezer so it’s not a waste. I’m going to freeze a batch of breakfast burritos for Master so he can make a quick and easy breakfast before work- at least until I am up and around.

He may have to start and scrape ice and snow off his own truck for a bit, though. ~cue irrational thoughts of omg-slave-fail-waah~

My mom keeps saying she wants to come here, at least for a few days, because she just thinks parents should be there when their kids are having surgery. So I guess it really is true that being a mommy never stops. I mean, she’s 70 and I’m 42 and she still feels that way. Heh. But I also know that it’s a long drive (9 hours) and she’s not in the kind of health where she can make that sort of drive in one shot. Plus, she’s super paranoid about driving in bad weather and it IS winter and we do live in the U.P. so I’m not really expecting her to come. I appreciate that she wants to, that’s enough.

My sister, C, also wants to come here. She had the same surgery a few years back and she insists that I’ll “absolutely need” her here for the entire 2 months, lol. Other people tell me I’ll be fine in a week. I *think* C is just looking for a chance to get away from her current boyfriend (based mainly on the fact that my OTHER sister, D, called me a few weeks back and specifically asked me if I would let C stay here, using “taking care of me” as the excuse until D could then fly C to where she lives because the boyfriend is a douche, that D and C had planned this and would I help out by pretending I needed the help). However, when I tried to talk about it to C she acted like she had no fucking idea what I was talking about. So, hell if I know.

At any rate, she can come here if she wants to and stay for as long as she wants. I don’t care. We have the space, and it would be nice to see her. I think she’ll be bored out of her gourd in about 3 days though. She’s a big time drinker and likes the bar scene and we… don’t. We’ve been to the bar 2 times in the last 5 years. Master occasionally has a few drinks after dinner if he’s not on call, but it’s not nightly and it’s a not an “event” like it is with them. They plan their lives around it. Ugh.

To further complicate matters she also lives 9 hours away and has neither a car or a drivers licence and do I really want to drive all that way, and back, to get her? I totally would if she really is hatching this escape plan from the douchey boyfriend because I don’t like him either but if it really is just because she thinks I’ll need someone to vacuum, I can make other arrangements.

I mean, there’s another offer on the table from someone else anyway, soooo…. And it’s a much more attractive-and-benficial-to-Master offer. ;)

In the meantime, C and D can figure it out and just clue me in, my mom can drive here if she wants to, but I need to cook. And I really wanted to get the now-two empty bedrooms repainted and organized and such so if someone, or all of them, do decide to show up, things look decent. Both rooms desperately need it. I’ve made decent progress on boxing things up (both Am and Jes left a crap-ton of stuff behind, not to mention the nail holes and tack holes) and I’m even going to store all of Babygirl’s stuff (toddler bed, toys, leftover clothes) because they really aren’t moving back. ~heartache~

But it’s closure, of sorts, too. Having her bedroom all set up with her bed and her toys like she’s gonna walk through the door any second is just painful. Maybe I’m overly attached, but goodness, she did live here 24 hours a day. But it’s good. Really. I’m making lots of progress and I’m excited about this next stage in our lives.

B-man will be gone in July (assuming everything goes according to his plan), Jes and family can’t even think about leaving Tx until 2015, and then he’s talking about re-enlisting and requesting being stationed in Germany(!!), so who knows how that will turn out. And Am, of all people, is talking about moving to freaking Washington state in a year or two (for a girl!) (which I’m just kind of “yeah, whatever” about because we all know how these internet, LDR’s work out, right?) (Like me and Master. O.O) (But srsly. It’s just too soon in their relationship (air quotes) for me to think that’s a certainty. ~flaps hand~)

Is that terribly dismissive of me? I don’t say that to HER… well, I do but not quite so callously. We’ve talked about it and stuff, and she IS 20 years old and a tad bit too old for me to forbid anything. We’ve just kind of gone over the oh, you better meet her first (she is) and don’t rush into anything (she isn’t. They’ve ‘known’ each other since freshman in high school) and blah blah blah…

Can you imagine? If jes and kids ended up in Germany (or stationed anywhere else because it certainly won’t be here. Or anywhere near here. There isn’t even an Army base close by.) and Am ended up in Washington and B-man is headed for North Carolina (I think?). So scattered and so far away! :(

Point is, they’re all doing their thing and going their ways, and I’m gonna have this surgery (and be “fixed” and get my life back, god dammit) so I’m just really looking forward to what Master has in store for us and what can happen next. It’s exciting. :) We talk a lot about changes we want to make to the house, specifically changes that will increase play time. Opening up the space downstairs for a dungeon and finishing the fence outside for outdoor play… That was the dream, you know? It’s suddenly not so far out of reach.

He makes comments here and there about what it’s going to be like or what he wants to happen and I get all squishy in my bits. Not just about play and sex but about the mental stuff, the…. I don’t know. The enslavement that has slipped a little recently. Intriguing and exciting.

Right now I’m just overwhelmingly nervous, though. Surgery. 13 days. ~cries~

36 Responses to “Bit-o-this, bit-o-that”

  • dancingbarez


    Been reading for a long while but dont remember ever commenting. Just wanted to let you know this procedure was perfomred on my last week because of Cervical Cancer.

    It will be OK, it’s not that bad and if you have any questions please email me, this salve is home on medical leave (obviously) so she is here if you want to talk about it.

    • kaya

      Are you up and around or how’s it going?

      • Anonymous

        They want you up & around as soon as possible which is tough the first two days. Every day it gets a little better. Standing straight gives you an uncomfortable pulling feeling but once you actually do that a few times it gets better. Don’t tell my Daddy but this slave did get a lot done around the house today.

        • kaya

          tsk tsk. Behave yourself! ;)

  • dancingbarez

    LOL, I meant slave. Yes pain meds are making me a bit off.

    • Anonymous

      Should have, the stomach is swelled up like a balloon right now. Definitely take it slow for the first week. In regards to help, visitors – just felt up to that today fofrbtheb

  • Kristine

    I haven’t posted save maybe two times, but my o’dark thirty two cents is having had the same surgery: Let’s say that if you are 7 days post surgery and you notice a cob web hanging high on the curtain rod and it is bugging the shit out of you… Do not climb on the couch to swipe it because it could happen you fall, and pull on the are of surgery. The pain is bad and the questions hammered at you for doing it is so not as hot as an interrogation scene.

    Hugs to you.

    • kaya

      lmao! Duly noted. I won’t do that. ;)

  • itswhoiam

    Surgery is scary. i just had my first surgery 3 weeks ago, lower back surgery. my mom and family was a huge help to me. i am sending all sorts of prayers your way and i know that things will go well for you! i love reading your blog and am so glad to hear that what you have been waiting for in terms of more intense slavery is in sight. now THAT is exciting and definitely something to focus on when fear about the surgery comes. Thank you for sharing so much here!

    • kaya

      Thank you! I hope you are healing well. :)

      Yes, I’m keeping my eye on the prize ahead, keep telling myself this will all be worth it in the end.

  • swan

    It has been 7 years. I don’t remember being miserable from pain, but I do remember being tired. I do remember not having much energy or stamina. It took me weeks to get back to full speed. So, some help might be good. But company? Seriously? Unless you are sure they will help without any stress or need to be entertained, I’d say “no.” Or… have Scott say, “no.” Just a thought.

    Thinking of you and wishing you all the very best.

    • kaya

      I remember reading when you were recovering. Did you lose the ovaries, too? I’m keeping at least one of mine so I’m hoping to not have a big drop in libido (which I know isn’t what you meant by energy and stamina, but I also recall that being hard for you.) I am HELLA worried about orgasms. Very very worried about how this will change our sex life, or his enjoyment or my enjoyment.

      Heh. Sorry. Tangent.

      If they think they are gonna be company, they can amuse themselves. I’ll just go to bed. -nods-

      • swan

        I did lose both ovaries. I am glad that you are keeping the one. That should make things easier. I noticed the loss of the uterine contractions in orgasm… but that was just me. And, for what it is worth, I did eventually learn my way back to pretty good orgasms. It just wasn’t fast.

        hugs, swan

        • kaya

          Was that due to the lack of hormones, do you think?

          • swan

            There were big issues due to lack of hormones. Yes. But, if you have big, rocking, muscular orgasms — and I did, then a lot of that is due to big, muscular contractions. Read “uterus.” Without it, that piece just does not happen. I’ve learned my way around the “altered” body, and figured out how to get some of the same sensation from vaginal contractions and abdominal wall contractions, but it was a learning process. Took me a long time to stop being pissed off and just “get it” that I was going to have to be a little friendly with the altered physiology if I was going to get what I wanted. Hating everything is not the road to happiness… Advice? Unasked for, I know… be patient with yourself and your parts. If I could find my way back to some kind of reasonable sexual response, you will too. Just give it time (and I’m talking months or maybe even a year or two — not weeks). That’s a long time, I know — but I absolutely believe it would have been a shorter trip for me if I hadn’t gotten all bent over it (and if someone had told me the truth from the start). All the best.


          • kaya

            Thank you for your candor, swan. :)

  • junebug

    I have surgery twice, the first time they did exploratory so they cut through the abdominal wall. Took forever to heal and had a lot of pain.

    The second surgery was just a couple of small holes to disconnect the girl bits and they were removed vaginally. Recovery was much faster. I think I needed the pain meds the first couple of days and after that only took them for fun.

    But, everyone is different and recovers in their own way, but my experience was not that bad.

    As far as the kids go – mine were home for the holidays while on break from college and I felt guilty because I kept putting their stuff in one place (near the door) so they wouldn’t forget anything. I loved having them home, but am also enjoying not having them home if that makes any sense.

    Hugs for Kaya.

    • kaya

      They are going through the abdomen for mine so I’m preparing myself for that pain. Is it bad that I’m looking forward to the pain pills? Gimme! lol

      “I loved having them home, but am also enjoying not having them home if that makes any sense.”

      Makes perfect sense. It’s exactly what I’m feeling. :)

  • Mira

    I’ll help if ya need a hand too. Drop me a line! I’ll be there.

    • kaya

      We’ll see who shows up, if anybody, lol. I’ll holler if I need ya. We should do something before I have it though. One last lunch? Maybe see what dragonflybelle is doing, too. Drag her along. -nod nod-

  • ayasha

    I got to keep both ovaries. I had great orgasms before and the only difference afterwards was I wasn’t bleeding to death half the month so was more excited about having them! They are still great lol and multiple!

    • kaya

      That’s what I’m hoping for. That’d be the ideal outcome. :-)

  • amiralina

    Don’t have any advice on the surgery but good luck and will be thinking of you, but I do have an easy good recipe for spaghetti sauce that multiplies and freezes well :)

    • kaya

      Share it then, woman!

      • amiralina

        it’s more of a creamy sauce.
        1lb hamburger browned with onion. drain. 2 cans of tomato soup with 1 can of cream of mushroom soup. add italian seasonings and mushrooms or whatever to taste.
        double,triple, quadruple whatever. i think once i quadrupled it, and was delish :)

        • amiralina

          that simple eh? some people don’t like it, but the asshat tends to like it, he calls it moreof a spaghetti stroganhoff type lol

  • TakenbyLovely

    I met Master online when I was 18. I knew, probably within a few months, that he was the guy I should be with. Ten years later, even when I know NOTHING else, I know that. I also recently saw something saying that Dutch people have healthier views on sex ed/more open conversations with their children about sex, and some of that included parents validating kids’ romantic feelings rather than writing it off as ‘puppy love.’ It was interesting food for thought for me.

    Good luck with surgery, and your empty nest, and not choking to death and everything. xoxo

    • kaya

      I’m trying not to invalidate her feelings. I also know they have to actually meet face to face. Things (have the potential to) change so drastically when you spend time in someone presence vs skype. But I am encouraging her to follow her heart…responsibly.

  • alyson

    Good luck with surgery! I haven’t had the particular one you’re having, but my friends who have did mostly take towards the longer estimates to heal. Those who’ve healed faster have still held back on doing things for longer just to make sure.

    From my experiences with surgeries I have had (both neurosurgery, I don’t recommend it ;) ), it’s better to plan in being out of commission for the longer period of time. That way if it takes less time that you expect, you’ve got a happy surprise. If you only plan for the shorter time then you’re SOL if it takes longer. And it really doesn’t help to push too much too soon. Add activity slowly and try to stop before you’ve used up your energy instead of overdoing it. And avoid sudden movements for as long as possible. Suddenly bending over quickly to try to catch a cat was not a good thing for me to do 6 weeks post lower-back surgery (no surgery damage, but it put me back on serious pain meds). If I’d moved slower I might have even still been able to bend the same amount (at the time it was more than I’d bent at the waist since surgery), just without as much pain and the worries of “shit, did I just tear a muscle?”.

    • kaya

      That kind of stuff (cat catching) is kind of instinct, though. Hard to blame you for that. ;)

      I expect the animals to be my biggest problem, as it is. Either from being jumped on, rammed into by Gracie the HyperDog, or because the door I use to let the dogs in and out is a heavy sliding door that sticks when it’s cold. But I’ll work it out. :)

  • anonymous

    I kept one ovary, but ita with ayasha about the happiness over not bleeding for half the month. I only took pain pills for maybe 2 days. Compared to my menstrual cramps, post surgical pain was a breeze. Just be careful getting up and down, and do listen to your body when it tells you to rest.

  • kaya

    Any thoughts from anyone on leaving the cervix or taking the cervix?

  • Kristine

    I have my cervix still. The positive is that it helps keep my pelvic region in place and provides structure. The downside i suppose is the staining from the lining of the top of the cervix shedding that happens every few cycles or so. But it sure beats 3 weeks of hourly padchanging.

    • kaya

      Its the bleeding (or staining as you called it) that concerns me the most. I absolutely, positively do not want to bleed again. That was one of the biggest perks (to me) about going through with this. Aside from the other, obvious perks that make the surgery necessary, lol.

      How would you describe your bleeding? Is it even enough that need a liner? Can you tell when it’s coming (I’m guessing the tell-tale cramping is gone if the uterus is gone, eh?) Sorry to give you the Spanish Inquisition but I’m so torn on this, I don’t know what to do!

  • Kristine

    Well, it can be a liner thing, but to be honest I use a cloth liner and may change it once. Sometimes its is lighter, sometimes its heavier. But for me not dealing with peeing on myself due to a weak pelvic region, i am ok with the liner. As far as how I know its coming, I get pms migraines, and

  • Kristine

    …. Nipple tenderness, horny and moody since I have my ovaries. I do not stain every month.


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