Under His Hand

The journal of a slave

On being a Bebaw.


I forgot (or, as Babygirl would say, “I mergot”) how energetic and attention consuming the wee ones are. Version 2.0 isn’t sleeping through the night yet so it’s easy to see why Jes is so. freaking. tired. Babygirl is a whirlwind of activity, from the minute her feet hit the floor in the morning until she’s tucked into bed, reluctantly and 18 excuses for being hungry, thirsty, gotta-pee, I’m hot/I’m cold, “you mergot another kiss!” later, she is a busy BUSY little girl.

We’ve read books until my voice cracked and my eyes bled. We’ve baked cookies and made mini-donuts (her favorite activity, by far). She’s helped me do dishes, sweep, dust and vacuum. We’ve put together 800 million puzzles. We’ve done laundry. We’ve played house, restaurant, farm, and grocery store. We played in the snow, had snow ball fights, climbed snow mountain, and made snow angels– until the frigid, below zero temps settled in and then we made carpet angels. We’ve been to the children’s museum. We’ve been to the thrift store and cleared out their My Little Pony toy selection (wherein I was educated on what cutie marks are). We watched Finding Nemo and ate popcorn and discussed sea turtles. We’ve done play-doh, stickers, cut-n-paste activities, and she showed me how to take care of pets on her Leappad. We ate ice cream for breakfast because mom won’t let her do that at home. ~beams~

She’s been here 5 days. O.O

I’ve inhaled intoxicating amounts of baby scent. I’ve rocked, bounced, sang, and peek-a-boo’ed. I’ve kissed tiny little toes and fat, chubby cheeks. I’ve gotten great big toothless slobbery grins, excited squeals, and infectious baby giggles. Version 2.0 is not at all interested in entertaining herself, she’d much rather be held, tyvm. All the swings, bouncers and bumbos in the world can take a flying leap when there are people around. She’s quite vocal with her displeasure at being put down- not crying so much as telling you off, until, that is, she sees you walk by and you don’t pick her up and then her little heart just breaks in two at the rejection.

She has the *cutest* little lower lip pout.

She loves loves loves her big sister and just grins ear to ear whenever she sees her. Babygirl doesn’t quite return the sentiment and is less enamored with the attention-stealing, loud-mouthed infant. She’s informed me that she wants Version 2.0 “to go back to being an egg”.

Jes and I have talked. About cooking (she made me dinner last night!), about budgeting, about love and marriage and relationships. About sex. About child-rearing. About the past, about her progress, about her success. We’ve talked like adults, woman to woman.

Jes is AMAZING with both of the girls. She’s far surpassed my expectations. She was a teen mom and she floundered, there is no denying that- not even she denies it. She regrets it, she feels bad about what she missed of Babygirl’s beginning, but there’s no turning back time and no point in beating herself up over it now. The only way to rectify past mistakes is to move forward positively, and she is. She’s making up for it in the only way she can. She’s grateful to us for being supportive and for having faith, for not swooping in and taking custody when we all know we could have. She’s grateful we gave her room to grow up and mature. She’s older now (21! Ack! I feel so old!), married, she’s a good mom. They’re creating a home for their family. I don’t know how much better of an outcome I could have hoped for.

I’m sure it’s not all sunshine and roses and who knows what will happen in the future, but for now, right now, things are good for her. And I appreciate that. A lot.

I appreciate this opportunity to be a grandma and not some confusing grandma/mom combination. I get to have ice cream for breakfast because it’s only once and it’s fun. I get to blow money on 15 unnecessary My Little Ponies to the absolute delight of the pony obsessed 3 yr old because I don’t have to budget diapers or formula. I can take over a night or 2 of baby care so mommy can get a break without feeling overwhelmed.

This is good. Everything is good. I’ve got just about 8 more days with them and I plan on savoring every last exhausting second of it. :)

14 Responses to “On being a Bebaw.”

  • abby

    You are creating such wonderful memories for everyone!!! My mom always fed my kids ice cream for breakfast..and now my grands look forward to it! Enjoy!]
    hugs abby

  • ksst

    We ate ice cream for breakfast because mom won’t let her do that at home. ~beams~

    Awesome, Grandmas are the best. You just can’t imagine how happy this makes me for you and your family. Or maybe you can, because your happiness is shining out all over it.

    I just made plans to rent my mom a car so she can drive up here (her truck is too unreliable to drive that far) and stay with our kids while we go on vacation. I know she will have a great time with them too. This makes me happy.

  • Calliphora

    I’m so happy for you, and for Jes, and Babygirl, and Version 2.0. Enjoy and know you did a good job!

  • skyjoy

    A wonderful heart lifting blog! So very happy for you and your family. Grandbabies are precious and so much fun to be with. Thanks for sharing.


  • Amber

    Sounds awesome, Kaya! And I so relate, what with the 3 and 1/2 year old and the 8 month old from my daughter here. Yes, exhausted, that’s how we feel too! It actually motivated us to lose more weight and get in shape, just to be able to handle them, ahaha!

    Wonderful post, thank you for sharing. :)

  • c

    It makes me happy to read this. Babygirl is the same age as my little one, and I can so relate to the intensity and the tiredness – and the absolute awesomeness of grandparents. Yey you!

  • Professor

    Grab the baby time with both hands and choke the hell out of it!!!!!! Wallow in it. All of my 5 are out and about with no grandkiddos in sight. Have fun. Color me green.

  • jade

    i am so utterly happy for you. How special for all of you to be together like this. Did you ever imagine the growth for Jes? Her making dinner for you is just perfect.

  • azra

    Grandmothering is the absolute best!!!!!!! Sounds as if you are creating some awesome memories. I am glad to hear that Jes has grown into a wonderful mother. Leaves you free to be an awesome grandmother!!!!

  • reva

    Oh adorable! Thank you for posting. Your blog is even cuter than the itty bitty kitty committee today :)

  • Jaime

    I sympathize with all of the activity…Boy is 6, Girl is 3, and I run myself exhausted every day. It is awesome that you are now able to embrace “grandma” though, and what an amazing joy to hear Jes is figuring out her way in life! Congratulations on many, many complicated jobs well-done!!!

  • sunnydalesue

    So happy for you! Enjoy your grandbabies! You make us all smile :-)

  • Marianne S.

    How wonderful Jes has turned out is a direct testament to all you and S have done for her. She saw good parenting modeled by the both of you and is now doing the same for her own daughters. You should be proud! Take the pat on the back because it is very well deserved. Bless.

  • Liz

    It’s been several years since I looked at your blog, having developed an aversion to all things BDSM because of a failed relationship. Peeking in now, at this post in particular, it makes me incredibly happy to hear that Jess is doing so well! Yay!


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