(Written by Daemeon. Shared with permission because it is awesome.)
Take a deep breath. Hold it. Good, now let it out, let go, and give up everything you thought you were.
No, you don’t get a choice, but neither do I.
I don’t want to play at this. I can’t. I’ve tried, and it just doesn’t work for me. It’s not how I’m wired. Sometimes I find myself wishing it were, as that would be so much easier. Sometimes I’d love to just play to have fun. Tie someone up, or beat them a bit, have my fun with them, then head home and make some dinner, or have a drink and rub one out. For better or worse, that is not who I am, or how I’m wired. Years ago I finally gave up on trying to “Top”, to cater to someone’s submissive desires and do what they want and/or are comfortable with, or to pick and choose when and how I have the impulse to be above someone. That was my surrender, admitting that I don’t have a choice in this, that no matter how strong I may be, I don’t get to choose what I am. This is in me, and I know I’m not the only one.
And by “this” I mean all the hair pulling, face slapping, hole stretching, teeth gnashing, bruising, biting, binding, using, abusing, demeaning goodness you can handle. Probably more than that, but that’s okay, you don’t have to be conscious for it anyway. See, that’s the difference…I don’t want you to submit, I want you to surrender. Yes, they sound awfully similar, but they’re not; at least not to me.
I don’t want you to kneel or offer me your wrists to bind because you want it, or because it’s fun and it feels good for you. I don’t want you to offer those things only when it suits you. I don’t want you to wander through your day thinking “I’ll finish work, then do a bit of grocery shopping, then oh, maybe it would be fun to get tied up.”. I want it to be understood that I’ll take what I want, when I want. I want you to do what you’re told, because you’re confident that there will be consequences if you don’t. I want you to understand that whether I feel like controlling every detail from your clothes to your food to your sleep patterns, or whether I feel like you managing yourself to stay out of my hair, then that’s what’s going to happen.
I want you to understand that, once all that initial conversation and negotiation horseshit is out of the way, that you’re going to be and do exactly what I say and that’s…just how it’s going to be. That’s a massive commitment, you’re absolutely right, for both of us. Ever tried to own a human being with all of their intricacies, sensitivities, needs and a society that has a bit of a sore spot with that whole slavery thing? Didn’t think so. It’s not easy. It is, however, what I want, and what I am certain that I need. Before signing up, you’d better be damn sure too. Do I want you to smile at the thought of me? Sure. But I also want you to quiver with a mix that’s damn near equal parts fear and lust at the thought of me getting a hold of you. It will be exactly what I need, probably what you need too, as long as what you need is exactly what you’re given, but it damn sure isn’t going to be “fun” in any traditional sense.
You’re not going to enjoy this. It’s going to hurt, or embarrass you, or make you very uncomfortable, or all of the above, and likely more. Why? Because, damn it, I want you to suffer for me. I want you to suffer to prove just how much you want to be here, to be with me, to have my attention and to keep it. I want to know that you simply can’t help but come back for more, to surrender and bow your head for what’s about to come. Or hell, kick and gnash your teeth, for all the good it’ll do you, I don’t give a damn. Just be positive that you understand exactly what it means to offer yourself, because oh how I’m going to take. Suffer because you’re meant to, because it amuses me, because it shows me you understand your place, because it makes me content and comfortable in mine. Most of all? Suffer because I want it. And I want it because I know what it means.
It means you’re going to surrender to what you are. To what you need. It means you’re going to take a deep breath, and let out any hope of choice or control. That this is not going to be on your schedule. This is not going to stop if you have a headache, or if it’s “that time of the month”, or if you cry, or beg, or cry uncle. This is going to leave you differing amounts of scared, vulnerable, in pain, revolted, abhorrent, terrified and defiled. Of course that list will also probably include needy, giddy, content, safe, protected, assured and more, but that’s kind of how those things work. Either this is what you need or it’s not. Either you suffer to find serenity or..not.
If this is a game, if you can take it or leave it, if you enjoy it but only on your terms? Awesome, no ill will, but that’s not the ride I’m on. If you need this? If you can’t live without it, if you may even hate yourself for not being able to find peace and contentment and a sense of safety and surety in a relationship without feeling an oppressive force pressing down on you; taking from you, crushing you and bending you to whatever its next whim may be? Well then, good for you for surrendering to exactly what you are. Are you one step closer to enlightenment? I’ve got no goddamned idea. You are, however, being honest with yourself, and that’s got to be worth something, right? Here’s hoping, because that’s where I am.
Is this all I am? Not by a long shot. There’s all kinds of cuddly soft goodness in there too, but this is damn sure a part of it, and that’s not changing any time soon.
Though you’re welcome to comment here, do please send some love to the original post if you can! ~kaya