Q&A-10
I have a question. Is being a Master as important to his life as being a slave is to yours? Being a slave defines your life, something you’ve worked hard to achieve. Does being a Master define his life, or is it just something he does for fun?
I mentioned to him that a couple of these questions were directed at him and he said we’d talk about them later and then we got busy and distracted and drunk. Heh.
I wouldn’t say it’s something he does for fun, even though he finds it fun to do. But I also don’t know that it’s something he feels is as essential to his life and sense of fulfillment as I do. I didn’t get the impression that, prior to owning a slave, he was as lost and empty as I was.
But I do think he has an innate need for dominance, to be the controller, the ‘masterly’ one in the relationship. He was dissatisfied in past relationships that were vanilla, and with each relationship since his first had gotten progressively more dominant and kinky. Maybe now that he’s had this, has really gotten to sink his teeth into it, it’s more defining of his life than before me. I can’t see him ever successfully navigating a vanilla relationship now.
i remember thinking, *many* years ago that being his meant that he could make me carry his child. And then i had a panic attack when i realized that he could also tell me i couldn’t. That was when i realized there were things i would refuse, slave or no. i sort of think that if i am asked to do something that i know will damage my psyche and change how i feel about myself, i have an obligation to say “no.” i get the impression that you would trust him to know what would damage you. Is that accurate? (Sorry its a long, winding question).
It’s not so much that I trust him to know what would damage me as it is that I believe he’ll handle (deal with? fix? Change or keep?) the consequences of going “there”. Not everything that I feel is damaging to me is something he thinks is damaging or… hmm.. this is hard to explain.
Even if I feel it’s damaging to my psyche, he might find that he likes or wants the results anyway. So, at that point, the work he puts into it is in making me understand that A) my ‘damage’ doesn’t supersede his desires so get with the program, or B) it’s not really damage so much as a leftover and incorrect psychological response that needs reprogramming.
But, if neither of those two methods are correct (or are working) and he really does “damage” me, I know he’ll be there until the damage has been repaired, even if that means using other people/means to fix what he broke. I believe this because he’s done it. He’s not a God, he’s not infallible, and he makes mistakes. One time in particular that did a number on my mental capacities (that I don’t think I’ve ever blogged about in detail and probably never will. it was years and years ago.) and left me a terrible spot, he stood by me and insisted I talk with the people who I needed to talk to until I didn’t need it anymore.
Belief, trust, faith, acceptance-whatever you want to call it-in his leadership and direction frees me from having to worry about protecting myself. I won’t say he won’t lead me astray, because he very well might. But- He’s got this. One way or the other, he’s either going to lead me back, or make me want to go where he’s going.
Has a “scene” or “session” ever just gone so hilariously wrong that you both lost the battle to laughter? Like the time my owner got a flogger handle stuck in my vag, and had to basically pry it out? Anything like that happen to you?
There has to have been times. And I’m drawing a blank on all of them!
There’ve been times he’s tripped over the rope he was tying me up with. Or popped himself in the face on the backswing with the whip. More than once he’s slathered my pink parts with Icy Hot and then touched himself or rubbed his eye.
Or, heh, when he has the vampire gloves on and forgets about them and grabs his dick. -snicker-
Or the time he masturbated himself raw with exfoliating soap.
Fun times. -grins-
I know you were making them at one point, but is there somewhere you buy the trinkets for your collar – mine seems similar and it would be nice to be able to match” it to an outfit
I still make them. It’s so easy. I buy the charms pretty much everywhere. Jewelry making is such a fad now that almost anywhere you go has charms. Michaels, Wal-mart, etc. Sometimes I’ll buy a necklace or a bracelet if it has a setting on it that I like and then take it apart.
Once you’ve got your charm you just need a connecting ring (almost always sold right there next to the charms) and a clip (also usually right there next to the charms). I use needle-nosed pliers to open and close links, and voila! Collars that match every outfit. 
I haven’t ever found a place that specifically sells collar trinkets. Maybe I should! 
Seriously, is M into any sports – S/M isn’t a sport, it’s an avocation (I hope spell check picked the right word 
… I remember seeing a picture of the two of you fishing. Does he still do that?
Fishing would be the closest thing to a sport that M does. He doesn’t really even watch any, let alone play them. He probably would play more, just for fun, if he had more time. He likes(d) to play basketball, paintball, volleyball, etc. He just doesn’t have time. When he does have free time there’s usually such a backlog of stuff that needs done around the house and yard that he’s just given up on doing anything else.
Even since we’ve moved here we haven’t fished as often as we use to. We haven’t really found a spot we like, and lake fishing isn’t as much fun (to me) as river fishing. We have to take the boat out, which is more work and more hassle than just grabbing a pole and driving to the river- but there don’t seem to be any rivers around us that have good fishing, either.
Plus, the boat needs to be completely redone. The seat and benches and storage- the wood is rotting. The boat itself is sound, it just needs stripped out and redone. When we bought it, it was in sad shape and we haven’t had the time to get to it. He plans on doing it this spring so we can get it out in the water this summer. It’s just a small fishing boat so it shouldn’t take us too long to get it done.
Do you think masochism is a product of past abuse (childhood or other domestic, physical, mental and/or sexual)?
I don’t think masochism is a product of past abuse. I think it can be. I don’t think you can dismiss a person’s experiences as having shaped or wired them in significant ways. But it’s absolutely not correct to say that all masochists were victims of abuse, or that all victims of abuse become masochists.
I mean, if you set your own idea of pleasure aside and look at it from a 3rd-person perspective, why would someone willingly participate in a relationship where they are constantly being hurt?
I think, for some people, masochism is a sexual and/or lifestyle identity, much like homosexuality. It’s not a choice to participate, it’s a need. It’s their entire makeup. (That’s how I identify with it)
For others, it’s as simple as a fetish– like foot worship. Bondage turns them on, or spanking and punishment, or whatever. They get a sexual thrill out of aspects of s&m, or D/s.
As a side note, I think it’s incorrect to equate masochism entirely with sex. To me, it’s the same thing as saying that the only reason a vanilla woman likes to be taken out to dinner is because it turns her on.
Or even a gay couple. You wouldn’t say that the only reason two women are together is because they like to eat pussy. There is so much more than sex that makes up the intricacies of a relationship choice. It’s all part of the whole. For a vanilla woman, getting flowers or jewelry, being taken to a nice dinner, etc., it creates a whole atmosphere- that probably leads to happiness in the bedroom BECAUSE she’s happy in her whole life. For a masochist, being degraded leads to a whole atmosphere of happiness. A complete atmosphere leads to awesome sex, of course. But it’s not JUST a sexual response-not for me, and not for a lot of other masochists I know. Masochism completes the circle. That’s all.
Plus, I don’t think everyone is wired to feel pain the same way. Pain, as you may feel it, is pleasurable to others. It’s not just about endurance or pain tolerance, it’s an actual receptive difference. A physiological response entirely opposite of what someone else feels. I have seen people orgasm, without a single touch to their genitals, from nothing but pain. And not just women (who can fake it, haha) but men with erections, spurting semen into the air with not so much as a caress or a breath of air on their cocks.
The whys and what-for’s of masochism (and sadism, for that matter) are highly misunderstood, even (especially?) by the professionals.
I’m rambling incessantly. Sorry. 
Do you know of any masochists who don’t have a history of abuse?
Especially after joining Fetlife and being exposed to a greater number of masochists, I’m comfortable in saying that more masochists have NOT had a history of abuse than there are masochists who have that history.
What I think is that there a great number of people who have been abused, period. It seems more prevalent among the BDSM crowd because we talk more openly about intimate things. But I’d bet money on there being a high percentage of abuse survivors in every walk of life if you took a poll.
Uncategorized | kaya | 
March 19, 2012 7:40 am
For the person asking that last question…I have had absolutely no abuse of any kind in my past. Seriously, perfectly lovely life in every way. And I have recently, somewhat reluctantly, admitted to being a masochist. So yeah, we are out there.
I always find myself surprised by the amount of people who mistakenly think all masochists were abused or all abusees (this isn’t really a word, I don’t think) become masochists/sadists. This isn’t a jab at anyone, it just.. honestly surprises me.
I guess Freud and his bullshit will never leave us alone… xP
thanks for answering my questions so honestly and without taking offense!
)
I know they might seem offensive or ignorant (i swear not meant to be offensive – don’t know about the other
and your answering them without malice shows your good character
I didn’t find them to be offensive or ignorant at all. And this is what Q&A months is for! Thank you so much for asking.
Hi there. I’m a masochist who has no past experiences with abuse! LOL
No childhood molestation, no beatings, no inappropriate relationship with my father, nope. Fairly normal and dull actually other than finding my mom’s smut book stash and reading them secretly at an early age without her knowing.
I had a fairly typical, non-abusive childhood, parents who loved me, nobody ever beat me/molested me/raped me, and I am sexually/romantically sub and get pleasure from being humiliated, at least on that personal side of my life. On the flip side, my Dom husband was severely abused as a child and is both sexually and socially very Dom. The last thing he would ever find fulfilling or exciting would be anything that smacked remotely of being put down or hurt in any way.
He gets off by taking/maintaining control, I get off by giving it up/having it taken from me.
Maybe the question should be, “So why would anyone be vanilla? Was your upbringing that incredibly boring?” BWA HA HA!
I agree with Kaya, there is unfortunately a lot of child abuse going on, period. Any correlation between previous abuse and being a masochist is more likely connected to the amount of introspection necessary in order to self-identify as a masochist lends itself to all areas of that person’s life.
Have you written any more erotica lately. I think I have a few of your short stories somewhere on my hard-drive and they are pretty hot if I remember. I would love to read more.
Thanks for answering my question. Your answer more or less echoed my own line of thinking. Interesting.
What is the history of your early relationship? After your one weekend stand, how did you start dating? How long before you moved in? How did you get engaged? How did the kids take to it?
I was wondering if some kinds of pain are harder to take for you than others. Do you react the same to a cane as to a single tail whip for instance? Can you take breast torture as well as toys being used on your thighs or ass? Or do you feel it differs depending on how you feel that particular day? I’m asking because I for some reason cannot take a single tail whip so well. It’s not the intensity of the pain… It’s something else, but I’m not sure what exactly.
Another masochist with absolutely zero past history of abuse. Although, I was spanked as a kid. But I detest being whipped/ beat now. Masochist does not equal lover of pain. Like Amber, get my masochist kicks from being humiliated and giving up control.
Kaya,
I agree completely with seperating masochism and sex. I’m a text book example; when I’m being beaten, there’s no arousal, no sexual desire, no desire to feel any. I’m in it for the feeling of being so alive.
Dave
You know that I’m still pretty new to the idea of being a masochist…
I didn’t think it was possible to cum from being hurt.
When it happened to me in January while M was beating me? I…i was shocked, really.
It made Him laugh, call me a pain-whore.
I think it took that experience to make me fully comfortable in my own skin. Truly amazing stuff.
Great answers to some great questions.
nilla