Yakkity Yak
The job hunt has been disappointing. But it’s also been kind of a relief. Is that possible, to be both at once? Relieved disappointment?
I can’t even describe how terrifying it is for me to have to get back out there. I know it sounds all kinds of pathetic, but I ain’t gonna lie about it. I’m fucking scared. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve had to leave the safety and comfort of my day to day routine and go be a contributing member of society. Ugh. So every day that the phone doesn’t ring with a call back on an application, I am so. fucking. relieved.
But I know M wants it. I know I probably need to do it, for myself if for no other reason. I just don’t wanna! Wah!
I’ll probably end up doing nurse aide work again. At least that gives me some amount of comfort through familiarity. I have to do the class again, which is fine. I’ve forgotten so much of it anyway that I wouldn’t want to go back to it without taking the class again.
I’m trying to focus on the positives of going back to work and not the negatives. I can do this.
I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s a bad omen though. Feh.
~~*~~
This week’s counseling session wasn’t very productive. In some ways I really like the guy I’m seeing. He’s very sweet and gentle and has this incredibly soothing way of speaking. He feels very safe, and very easy. But he’s not particularly adept at asking the “right” questions, and I’m horrible at offering information and leading the conversation, so we’re just not getting past surface issues yet. Yes indeed, I expect him to read my mind. Is that the wrong way to do therapy? 
So far, he’s just working at encouraging me to limit the isolation I’ve got going on. Getting a job, being social, seeing friends, being active- you know, all of those things that are at odds with M’s preferred method of slavery. I’m still not sure how successful any of the counseling will be if I’m not truthful about the dynamics of our relationship but he doesn’t give me the impression that he’d support my choices. I think he’d see it as another symptom and try to treat it.
I’m about over these Prozac headaches, though, I can tell you that much. It’s not exactly making me feel less depressed to have my head pounding every fucking day.
~~*~~
So I’m back on Fet. I’m not very active yet, though, because I’m all “omg! I don’t belong here! We’re so obviously failing at teh kink!” but I’m sure that’ll pass.
I’d emptied my profile and friend’s list, which I don’t regret at all actually because I didn’t even recognize half of the names on my list anymore. But if you were on it, and you aren’t now, don’t take it personal. I deleted everybody, even M. If you want back on, don’t hesitate to send a request.
~~*~~
Otherwise things are plugging along. M bought me a Mom van. Used but nice. I love it. It’s purty. It makes me want to take road trips and go on vacations, except now I’ll be working and can’t go anywhere, lol. But at least I’ve got reliable transportation to get to that job!
Uncategorized | kaya | 
March 24, 2011 6:01 am
I understand being anxious about going back to work. Imagine those moms who take 20 years off to have kids and stay home with them? That must be scary as hell to go back.
What is the goal of you going back to work? Money? Independence? Friends? Accomplishment? Maybe you could take that refresher course and see how that goes while you are hunting for the job? The course would actually give you lots of that all on its own.
And hey maybe you should point your therapist at your blog? Just send him straight to the part where S is nailing your tits, and he can roam around from there? Yeah, I get that isn’t happening. I do think that if you could tell him that you are in a power exchange relationship it would help him understand you. But if you can’t you can’t.
And congrats on the van. That part sounds good.
And good luck. Nice to see you posting again.
sin
All of the above, I guess. I don’t think independence makes his list of goals, but I suspect it’ll happen regardless.
I snorted at the idea of letting the therapist read here. But, man, wouldn’t that give us lots of material to talk about? haha!
Hey, I made Kaya laugh. Okay snort, but close right?
You really, really need to fess up to your therapist, or you’re just paying for an hour of quiet time. You might want to ask him how comfortable he is with extremely alternative life styles first, or ask for a referral to a kink-friendly therapist. And of course, be prepared to deal with the inevitable efforts to identify the childhood trauma that made you like the kink in the first place. It’ll be okay, eventually.
I hadn’t worked for ten years until last summer. It was scary and different and just…weird. I did love the feeling that came with the first paycheck though. I think it gets better after that first leap back out into the world.
Good luck!
It is very scary to go back to work and finding friends and being social..whew!
Now I have to agree about telling some therapist about the kink in your life. I was lucky enough to have kink friendly ones nearby and also to be able to do phone sessions with another who was not close.
I think asking him if he isnt comfortable would be a good idea..imho
But you’re doing fine .. this all takes TIME.. tons of it.
I’m de-lurking long enough to say: If you can’t talk in depth about your therapist, maybe you should try a different one? I mean, in my experience at least if you can’t be completely open with them, they’re probably not going to help.
Not saying you should go in on the first appointment and be all “this one time he nailed my tits and oh, do you want to see the scars I have?” but if you don’t feel like you can ever discuss that part of you, maybe you should be looking for someone else
It not an omen. It’s a shitty economy. It has nothing to do with you, or your worthiness as a person.
Work on getting yourself healthy, and try not to worry about how far from your “slavery” you get. Your Master is perfectly capable of molding you into what he wants…after you’re better. Just think how much fun he’ll have with a better, faster, stronger kaya.
I have to echo was of the other comments here..of all the people you should not withold information from it is your therapist. Otherwise what is the point? This “lifestyle” what ever label anybody wants to put on it, is a huge part of who and what you both are as individuals and as a couple. To be direct if you aren’t willing to be honest, you are wasting time and money with this therapist, find another one that you feel like you can open up to entirely. Otherwise you’re just pissing on his foot and telling him it is raining…
The blog would be the easiest way to vomit it all out. Bless you for being so honest here, it is a rare thing..hugs..forward always forward
Good luck on the job!
I also will join the crowd in saying I hope you can ‘fess up to him about the kink. If for no other reason than to see his eyes pop and you can describe his reaction to us, lol! And I’d be downright gleeful if you sent him here! Be sure to tell us if you do so we can put on some kind of show for him and leave creepy, stalky comments. BWA HA HA!
(Hey, whaddya mean we already do? NO WE DON’T! lol…)
Seriously, I never told my therapist some things I should have and guess what? Those are the things I still have problems with today. Ah, Retrospect, you’re such a smug bitch.
The Prozac headaches don’t go away, unfortunately. The physical side effects only get worse from here…
When my j went to a therapist for help(your story hits very close to home.)I went with her to the first couple of sessions so that we both could evaluate the therapist and also to let me broach the BDSM aspects of our life to him. He handled the information without condemnation. My impression was that he routinely heard much worse than our little story. The other thing I did was assure her she didn’t have to tell me anything they talked about. It’s a bit of a cliche, but you’ll get out of it what you put in it.
I went to therapy for 6 months and never said a word about our power exchange. I felt I made very little progress, it was frustrating me and M considering the expense.
I finally bit the bullet and explained our dynamic to him. To say he was shocked was an understatement, but it gave him insight into my thought processes. I spent another six months in therapy and made some great progress.
You guys have almost got me convinced I need to tell him!
O_O <–deer in headlights
I know you’re scared but how can he really help you if you are not 100 percent honest with him about yourself?
Besides, I believe the DSM-IV makes it clear that sexual fetishes or orientation is no longer considered “sick” or wrong so if he is a capable therapist, he should take it in stride. If he doesn’t, well, then he won’t be good for you anyway.
Whatever you decide, I’m glad you’re going. Even though I didn’t bring up everything to my shrink, it did me a world of good just going and talking about the things I felt I could talk about
If you feel like you CAN’T tell him, maybe find someone else? Surely he’s not the only therapist around
I have to agree with a lot of other people. If you can’t talk to your headshrinker about everything, nothing will get done. It is part of who you are, like it or not. And in theory, your therapist should be impartial. If he can’t be impartial, then you need to go to someone you can talk to about everything.
That’s the good part of going to someone you don’t normally associate with. They have no feelings on the matter, good or bad. They see it, or should see it, at simply being. Just one more way of doing things.
Though I think it would be more stimulating for you to get something non-nurses aide, is there some service or company in your area that needs “traveling” CNAs, much like traveling RNs? I don’t mean traveling far, I just mean within a small radius that delivers home health care. It would give you those breathable moments between clients, and allow you to interact with new people while they are in the comfort zone of their homes instead of an institutional setting.
And I agree…if your therapist doesn’t at least understand kink, please find another. It’s not part of the disease, it’s part of you. (And me, I’m happy to say.) Keep on truckin’ babe.
Here’s my thinking:
1) last year, your M asked you about nursing school. Is that in the cards at all?
I ask because I think it’s motivating to have a plan in place, to get you to a point in a career (not just some job) that you actually enjoy.
2) Independance doesn’t mean you don’t need him.
3) Going back to work after years away *IS* scary. I’m just finishing a program @ college and I begin job-searching in a few weeks – after being out of the work force for nearly 7 years.
And juggling teenagers and a home while doing it? No wonder you’re a bit freaked on the subject. Join the club, woman! But you’ll manage. I’m quite sure of that
3) You need to tell your therapist all about you – emphasis on “all”.
If he’s not the right person to help you, then go to someone else.
And that, my dearest slave-not-slave-but-slave friend, is all I have to say about that.
No, no classes and no career. Working, should it happen, is temporary. I think.
“slave-not-slave-but-slave” lol.. that about sums it right up, eh?
There’s probably something I’m not getting…but from where I sit (far, far away, I know) it seems that y’all have an issue and you lose your shit *because of the M/s* and have a depressive episode. So now you’re in therapy, not talking about the M/s…
Of course, I’m not a fly on the wall, I’m just going off of what I’ve read. Regardless, I agree with the bunches and say that it’s going to do you NO good at all if you’re not honest. You’re not there to impress him or gain his approval or anything else, you’re there to help yourself. Well, kink is a part of yourself. A large part. Maybe even part of the part that needs help. So…getcha some, girlfriend.
Sorry about the headaches, btw. Allergy season = migraine central here, so I feel your pain.
“it seems that y’all have an issue and you lose your shit *because of the M/s* and have a depressive episode. So now you’re in therapy, not talking about the M/s…”
Why yes. You get it.
“I’m still not sure how successful any of the counseling will be if I’m not truthful about the dynamics of our relationship”
Not very successful. One of the best predictors of success in therapy is the relationship you have with your therapist. Their method does have some influence, but if you don’t have a good therapist-client relationship it’s not going to work.
You need to be able to trust your therapist and be open with him. If you’re going to hide important aspects of your life and your problems you might as well not see him at all.
“he doesn’t give me the impression that he’d support my choices”
I’d really advice you to find another therapist. I don’t know how easy it is to find a sex-positive therapist where you live, but it’s perfectly okay to ask your therapist what his opinion on BDSM is and if he’s sex-negative, don’t get your therapy there. There are therapists out there who both know about BDSM and are openminded about it. That does not mean BDSM cannot be a problem in your life, but a therapist who defines BDSM as a problem in all cases is just not a good therapist for a kinky person.
This is your life, your health. Find someone who can really help you..
Here’s a little bit of Prozac-and-its-kind advice…drink extra water as Proz dries you out and dehydration causes headaches. It should help.
Think of it this way :
You’ve stated that M/s is how you and M interact… it’s the base of it. It’s a large part of who you are and you always come back to it because it’s what’s right for you. However, parts of it (whether its what you’re being told or what you think you’re being told (morphing X into Y))scare you. Thus that is part of your mental state. If you aren’t telling your therapist about the M/s aspect he doesn’t have the whole picture.Kind of like doing a math problem. If you don’t have all the numbers you wont ever get to the solution. You may figure out the right order and understand a bit of the problem but you’ll keep getting wrong answers until you plug in the right numbers.
So in essence if you’re keeping things from him that are vital to your life and the way you think/feel your therapist can’t help you nearly as much as they could if they knew. So, if they can’t help because they’re missing vital links you are basically wasting your money going there. You’ll get some help, figure some things out but could have gone a lot further if you were honest and open about it all.
I don’t know you guys. I mean, I really do get what you’re saying about being open and how it’s not going to work without telling the therapist everything-
BUT
Unless he was specifically well-versed and incredibly supportive of enslavement techniques (and srsly. We all know he isn’t going to be.), his focus is going to be my mental health and the M/s is going to seem to be the culprit of my “issues”.
I just don’t see it working well at all. Gah. I just don’t know.
Maybe do a google search of sex positive or maybe even sex therapists in your area? I can do there for my area and it’s a very tiny little town.
Let me take the other side. Maybe you should go deeper into the M/s Dynamic instead of fighting it. It might be freeing.
Then again you need to do what works for you guys. I agree that he will pick up on the dynamic and blame it for your issues. I also worry that he will not focus on the core. That is why the suggestions to find a kink friendly therapist is a good idea. THe hard part is that they are not as common as the vanilla type….
Where’s the ‘like’ button?
It may be a long shot, but if one of the primary purposes of finding a job is to get you out of the isolation, and thereby helping to relieve the depression…perhaps, if the actual finding a job falls through, volunteer work instead? Candy striped, soup lines, animal shelters? Something that you don’t have to be experienced in, but that could result in a sense of self-worth or accomplishment…I dunno if that sort of thing is one the table..
Sorry for the typos… phone typing *rollseyes*
Hi, I’ve been reading for years and never really commented before, but hopefully I can be of some help. I’ve just finished my undergraduate psychology degree, and thought you might like to know the DSM-IV definition of sexual masochism:
“A. Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviours involving the act (real, not simulated) of being humilated, beaten, bound, or otherwise made to suffer.
B. The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviours cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.”
So the key words here are that it is causing significant impairment in your life and relationships, so as to stop you from doing much else. The criteria for sexual sadism also lists if it is causing the person “marked distress”.
If it is not the M/s that is causing these problems, but rather the fact that you are clinically depressed, and you are not markedly distressed over your lifestyle, then please talk to your therapist about this.
I have suffered from depression for, well, as long as I can remember (on and off) and have spoken to a therapist about my masochism. They did not have a problem with this and I guess because it’s probably far more common than most people realise, I doubt it should be a problem for your own therapist. However, as others have stated above, if he does have a problem with this, then find someone else.
If it IS the M/s causing the distress?
Also- I thought sadism and masochism weren’t listed in the DSM thingie anymore. Is that not true?
I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s a bad omen though. Feh.
pay attention to your gut reaction to things. as women we ignore our feelings. then we are sorry later.
gladf to see you know exactly how your therapist will react to your lifestyle. why not ‘allow’ him the opportunity to show you how he’ll react to your lifestyle? in his training he has studied your lifestyle OR maybe shares it. TELL HIM!!!
why do you have to work? if it is causing you this much trauma. DON”T work now!!! fix yourself first.
you are a terrific dame. you’ll barrel through this!!!
Heh. In one sentence you tell me to trust my gut, and in the next you tell me not to.
i’m telling you to trust your instincts about working.
deciding how your therapist will react before you have been open with him is different. but i do see what you’re saying. his reaction is instinct for you too.
hey have you thought about volunteering somewhere instead of a job?
“… I expect him to read my mind. Is that the wrong way to do therapy?”
It should work about as well as it does in a M/s relationship…
Meh. But I don’t care if my therapist is displeased.
Kaya,
I get scared at eve4ry new job, no mattertyhat I haven’t had an unemployed period of any length of time. Welcome to normal.
As to what to tell and not tell your therapist, I’m not sure. My experience with therapists has been somewhat less than good. Remember that they come with their own baggage and problems, and it’s only the really good ones that can set that aside and accept their patients totally as they are while still helping them. Trust your gut, but don’t let the reasons you’re seeing him masquerade as your gut, either (yeah, I know, real helpful).
Dave
I agree with the others that you really need to open up to the therapist or find a new therapist. You may be pleasantly surprised. When I brought the kink up with my shrink, she had very little knowledge of kink and power-exchange, but really didn’t care. If there had been related things that were causing issues in my life, she’d have worked with me, but as it wasn’t we actually discussed techniques to make it work for me and help me keep mentally healthy (I already knew some of the ways it was helping and we discussed other things that might help). But the hardest thing in my life was finding the right shrink/therapist for me. I went through at least 10 over the years before I found my shrink. It’s one of those places where fit really matters. It sounds to me like you’re smarter than your therapist currently so you’re getting out of talking about the real issues. And that’s about as useful as taking the money and throwing it down a wishing well.
As far as the fear with working, I think that’s really quite normal to worry about since it’s been so long.
Having a shrink you don’t tell about your life(style) is like trying to have a best friend who never knows you have a Master. Are you thinking, “what would be the point of that?”
i told mine. She was a soft spoken woman in her late fifties. Knew quite a bit about power exchange. One thing that helped (i asked her) was that she had done a lot of therapy with GLBT people and we often show up with power exchange issues. So maybe look for someone open to GLBT if you can’t find kink. Just don’t assume the sweet person sitting across from you is clueless.
Good luck.
Delurking…
If I were lying in a hospital bed or a bed at home, or sitting in a wheelchair and I needed someone to wash me, dress me, feed me, maybe change my diaper… There would be nobody more perfect than you kaya to do that job.
You know yourself its not that hard to be a nurses aide… its almost impossible to be a good nurses aide.
you have to have a high icky tolerance… eh hello… you have to be cheerful and chatty and kind and considerate and generous with your time and patient…
Go get that certificate.. get your manual handling training up to date… and advertise yourself. disabled child’s mum needs someone to look after him while she gets some shopping done… job for you. Old lady needs help with personal care… job for you. The possibilities are endless.
Shit girl, M wants you to do this so why not attack it with gusto? You have so SO much to give..
Get ma drift…..
Good Luck
….drifting back to lurkdom…
Thank you!
I am fairly close to doing the same thing you are doing, albeit in a different country at the moment but I think it might be pretty much the same. I started treatment for severe depression with medicine and going to therapy for ptsd with anxiety attacks and social phobia. After going 3 times I decided that I couldn’t get help if my therapist didn’t understand who and how I am so I did fill her in on the TPE and my choices and that they are not going to change. She didn’t know much about it but since then she has asked me and been taking into consideration that I might think a bit different than her and it is actually turning out good so far.
I hope the best for you.
Some three months after my relationship with M took a huge detour…I’m okay. Back to work after 5 years away and actually enjoying it. Learning about myself and my desires from the standpoint of an individual and not with his influence. Not that I don’t welcome it…but we’re just not at that place right now. Maybe one day…maybe not.
I know our situations are not the same, but I can relate to some of what you’ve said. I would encourage you to ‘come out’ to your counselor. It’s my opinion it would be helpful to the both of you in terms of perspective and making progress on identifying the core issues. If you would prefer to change to another counselor, you can find a list of Kink Aware Professionals here:
https://www.ncsfreedom.org/kap-directory-homepage.html
Best of luck to both of you, dearest. I know it’s a hard road…but have faith in yourselves. <3
I LLove that you are so afraid of going back to work. Seriously, What if you had to.Lots of us do, we dont have the UP luxzury of a husband who supports us. So fret about your lack of work and the lack of interviews an your relief. Seriously?. Wah Tess I used to follow you, however you have become ridiculous. bye
Wow, harsh! She was talking about the emotional aspects of joining the workforce given her current situation. I’m sure if she were in a position where she HAD to go to work to support herself and family, she’d somehow manage. Nothing in these pages has implied that she’s a weak or incapable woman!
Your snip about some of us having to work sounds like jealousy from over here. Someone’s always got it worse than you, and usually someone’s got it better. That doesn’t mean that your feelings about your life aren’t valid.
bella, you can’t spell or write for shiat. Seriously. Wah. Bye.
I would have never understood the feelings you describe until recently becoming a stay at home mom. I had similar fears when I changed from 12 year Buisness woman to stay at home mom. It is human nature to fear change. Once you get your toes in the water, things will all come together.
Sorry i’ve been gone so long, kaya..life got interesting and i see it has for you too
A suggestion for you, unless said job -has- to be outside the house. Look at http://www.flexjobs.com there might be something work at home you can do. i got my job there, the place is for real. best of luck hun, and i’m reading still!
Fractal’s kitten
Hi Kaya – I haven’t been reading for very long and might be writing out of turn but I wanted to share some insights about kink and therapy from my experience. For me my need to be controlled does arise from a childhood trauma so exploring the whys and hows of my present behaivor gave me insight into wounds that needed to be felt and healed. I can tell you that my kink has successfully survived all of that poking and healing. I think that is because it is hard wired into my sexual machinery. The how and why that is true doesn’t diminish the truth of it and doesn’t diminish my enjoyment of it. Does that sound wierd? What I am trying to say is that I don’t respond to vanilla sex but I do respond to being controlled and that the healing I received through therapy helped me in lots of areas of my life without undoing this hardwiring. I didn’t have to be afraid of loosing who I was when I made a choice to explore how I got this way and how that truth was interacting with other areas of my life. I hope this has been a little helpful.
My last thought is:
If you can’t talk to this therapist about something that is so core to who you are, find someone who you can trust with it. You deserve the chance to explore this part of you without fear.
@kaya –
You don’t have to blurt out ‘My husband keeps me as his SLAVE and abuses me!’
You CAN easily start the conversation with the notion of a traditional 1950′s household. Most people understand that, and it starts his frame of thinking in a place for you to help him get a full grasp on YOU.
I’ll echo. If he can’t accept it and treat you accordingly, he’s the wrong therapist for you.
I will, however, say this: If you tell him, and he pokes around it looking to see if there’s some reason it’s causing some of your struggles… Open your mind and LISTEN. Cause frankly, if you knew what your underlying issues were for certain, you’d likely already be working on em.
Give it a chance. Give him the chance to show you that he can or cannot handle the information. But, be very careful that you don’t jump on the ‘he doesn’t understand this at all, vanillas don’t get it, etc etc’ too early. He may. And he may have very valid reasons for poking at that some.