The job hunt has been disappointing. But it’s also been kind of a relief. Is that possible, to be both at once? Relieved disappointment?
I can’t even describe how terrifying it is for me to have to get back out there. I know it sounds all kinds of pathetic, but I ain’t gonna lie about it. I’m fucking scared. It’s been a long, long time since I’ve had to leave the safety and comfort of my day to day routine and go be a contributing member of society. Ugh. So every day that the phone doesn’t ring with a call back on an application, I am so. fucking. relieved.
But I know M wants it. I know I probably need to do it, for myself if for no other reason. I just don’t wanna! Wah!
I’ll probably end up doing nurse aide work again. At least that gives me some amount of comfort through familiarity. I have to do the class again, which is fine. I’ve forgotten so much of it anyway that I wouldn’t want to go back to it without taking the class again.
I’m trying to focus on the positives of going back to work and not the negatives. I can do this.
I just can’t shake the feeling that it’s a bad omen though. Feh.
This week’s counseling session wasn’t very productive. In some ways I really like the guy I’m seeing. He’s very sweet and gentle and has this incredibly soothing way of speaking. He feels very safe, and very easy. But he’s not particularly adept at asking the “right” questions, and I’m horrible at offering information and leading the conversation, so we’re just not getting past surface issues yet. Yes indeed, I expect him to read my mind. Is that the wrong way to do therapy?
So far, he’s just working at encouraging me to limit the isolation I’ve got going on. Getting a job, being social, seeing friends, being active- you know, all of those things that are at odds with M’s preferred method of slavery. I’m still not sure how successful any of the counseling will be if I’m not truthful about the dynamics of our relationship but he doesn’t give me the impression that he’d support my choices. I think he’d see it as another symptom and try to treat it.
I’m about over these Prozac headaches, though, I can tell you that much. It’s not exactly making me feel less depressed to have my head pounding every fucking day.
So I’m back on Fet. I’m not very active yet, though, because I’m all “omg! I don’t belong here! We’re so obviously failing at teh kink!” but I’m sure that’ll pass.
I’d emptied my profile and friend’s list, which I don’t regret at all actually because I didn’t even recognize half of the names on my list anymore. But if you were on it, and you aren’t now, don’t take it personal. I deleted everybody, even M. If you want back on, don’t hesitate to send a request.
Otherwise things are plugging along. M bought me a Mom van. Used but nice. I love it. It’s purty. It makes me want to take road trips and go on vacations, except now I’ll be working and can’t go anywhere, lol. But at least I’ve got reliable transportation to get to that job!