Status Quo Take 2
Dr. Appt.: Diagnosis: Central Hypertension (High blood pressure. La de da.)
Treatment: Medication (until I get off my fat ass and exercise.)
Therapy: Going well. Very positive. Minor conflicts between Doc’s advice and M’s desires, but I’m figuring out how to maneuver. For instance, doc claims I need to lessen my social isolation and build a secondary support network, sooo… cadbury egg-making party for all my kinky friends. My house. (Still not spilling the beans about the M/s, not sure I’m going to in spite of the wise words of my readers. M’s wishes trump y’all, I’m afraid. 
)
Treatment: Double the Prozac dose. The headaches are still there, still frequent (daily), but are lessening in intensity, at least. Doc seems confident they’ll disappear soon. M and I had some terrifically awesome sex a couple times before he left, so I’m not experiencing any drop of libido yet, but I did notice it took a little more effort to climax. Assuming that doesn’t worsen, I can deal.
Collar: On. Of course. We’re so bloody stuck with each other.
M/s: Full force. We don’t know any other way. We’re not content any other way.
Marriage: Secure
Forecast: Bright
Employment: Seeking-ish. It’s being debated. It’s never been his wish that I return to work, especially with regards to keeping me ‘enslaved’, but… I dunno. Like I said, he’s debating it.
Sanity (mine): Better. Prozac is working. I feel good, brighter. Lighter.
Sanity (his): Calmer. Work is kicking his ass at the moment, though.
Determination: Full on, still. Finding the groove.
Blog: Coming back. It still feels vulnerable here. Exposed.
Life: Rollercoaster. Per usual. 
Uncategorized | kaya | 
March 30, 2011 12:04 pm
All sounds good.
As for feeling vulnerable here on the blog…did something in particular happen to cause that or is it just because now some of the people who read you here know you in real life, too? Or…?
Just curious.
I don’t know exactly. Nothing in particular happened- a negative comment now and then, but that’s nothing new, lol. I suppose I’m wallowing in failure, at the moment. :/
Yeah, I can relate to that feeling; when I used to blog and all hell would break loose and then I’d try to write again, sometimes it felt…fragile. I grok that.
Oh, and as far as telling your therapist, Dan just had a GREAT idea (yes, even he does have them from time to time…ahaha! I’m so bad! *snicker*)
Have someone call the therapist, Scott or a friend in the know, asking about making an appointment and ask if he is BDSM/kink knowledgeable/friendly and if he says no, can he recommend someone? Just be sure to call from a number that won’t show up on caller ID.
If you feel comfortable enough, email me his number and I’ll do it for you, or Dan can. That way, you’ll know where he stands and/or get a recommendation for a therapist who will understand.
Because you really are kinda wasting your time/money if you go and can’t talk about it. It’s such a huge part of your life and a big part of why you sometimes have meltdowns about it (as have I on occasion). Eventually you’ll need to talk about it if you’re going to truly progress.
HAVE FUN WITH BABY GIRL!!!
We get ours for the next three days! YAYYY! Or…OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE WE DONE?! hahaha…not quite sure which. She’s two, now, and quite the handful. 
HAVE A BLAST WITH THE WIMMENS IN YOUR FAMILY!
He doesn’t want you to talk about being kinky in therapy? Can you share why?
Armchair psychologist here – if you have this once-a-year-freak-out because you’re enslaved (even though the thing you’re freaking out about doesn’t involve slavery, it drives the fact that you are enslaved home)…is therapy necessary? Is medication necessary? Or are you going to therapy to learn coping skills that you can put to use when you start freaking out?
I dunno, from here it seems like therapy’s gonna do no good if the issue is being a slave, and you don’t talk about being a slave.
Either way, I am glad that you’re both working through this together, and hope that the other side is terrific. ‘Cause you’ll get there, I have no doubt.
Going to therapy is a complete waste of time and money if you aren’t going to tell him. He can’t help you if he doesn’t know you. That is just the way it is there is no finagling around that.
Collar: On. ~~~~ where it belongs!!!
M/s: Full force. ~~~~ Lucky. I wish I had that! LOL
Marriage: Secure ~~~~ Fairy tale romances don’t die
Forecast: Bright ~~~~ Wear shades!
Employment: Seeking-ish. ~~~ Enjoy staying at home. Wish I could, though I love my job!
Sanity (mine): Better. ~~~~~ YAY!!!
Sanity (his): Calmer. ~~~ YAY!!!!
Determination: Full on, still. ~~~ This will take time but keep rockin!
Blog: Coming back. ~~~ You notice I rarely blog either. I feel much the same
Life: Rollercoaster. ~~~~ TA DA!!!
YOU LIVE TOO FUCKING FAR AWAY!!!! I MISS YOU GUYS!!!!!
You definitely need to find a kink-friendly therapist. M/s is such a big part of your relationship and the therapist needs to know it.
I have a Kink Aware therapist and it’s great. Being able to say “I’m not allowed to do that.” or “Master doesn’t allow me to do that” or “I can’t figure out a way to respect his station and have that conversation.” is really nice because the therapist doesn’t push it.
Just gonna throw in my two sense… I told my shrink about my D/s relationship back when I was hiding my boyfreind from my rents… he honestly had no idea what it was. At. All. Even without that info he was able to help me. I understand wanting to keep that one on the D/L.
Good Luck
Just chiming in to agree with the others here: I totally get that being at odds with M’s wishes is nowhere you want to go, but at the same time, a therapist simply CANNOT offer you fully comprehensive, lasting solutions to the problem(s) unless he knows all the factors that have an influence in shaping those problems. It’s beyond his scope at that point. He can do his best with what he’s given, but if something he doesn’t know about is throwing a wrench into the healing plan, it’s not going to stick. That’s the bitch about therapy – it can’t give you everything you want till you give it everything it needs.
That said, I wish you continued health and improvement. <3
I’ve been reading your posts since you came back and have been somewhat reluctant to comment – i don’t know you, so it seems presumptious to give advice on a very personal situation. Especially as my advice goes against the flow of what you have been receiving.
But……
I would be very reluctant to share the details of your dynamic with your therapist unless you know that you can trust him to understand.
I don’t know what the laws are where you are, but here (australia) doctors, nurses, therapists, police officers and many other professions are bound by what are called mandatory reporting requirements. Meaning that if they receive information that leads them to believe that someone is a victim of domestic violence and in danger they are legally required to report it to the authorities.
Even if you asked your therapist and he said he was informed about and comfortable with the concept of BDSM, that could well mean that he was simply comfortable with the concept of bedroom BDSM. And once you told him that your issues are often triggered by your dynamic he could easily see you as an abuse victim. Remember, even many within the BDSM community view you that way.
And if he chose to express that opinion to law enforcement you and your M could have a whole heap of problems.
This blog contains pictures that are proof of actual bodily harm done to you by your M. It also contains posts where you talk about trying to temporarily withdraw your consent to one thing or another and your M over riding you and forcing you. Legally, the fact that you were happy and glad that he pushed you through afterwards doesn’t make any difference. Here, you can’t consent to an assault anyway, period. I imagine you probably have a similar law there.
I agree that it is very hard for therapy to be effective if you are not able to be honest. And the reason i was reluctant to post this is because i didn’t want to presume that your dynamic should take precedence over your mental health. That’s a call for you and him to make of course. But it seems that you have made the decision that your M and your dynamic are what you need, and if so, you need to protect that.
A kink aware therapist, who can honestly see the difference between you and a domestic violence victim and could state in all honesty that your M was not a danger to you would be ideal.
If you can’t find that, i do urge you to be careful about what you reveal.
I’m so glad you’re back on track and back online.
I hope your kids are well, and that the chaos you have been dealing with hasn’t effected them too much. They must be worried about their mum.
One more thing – i have an extensive on and off history with antidepressants, and have had a few doctors tell me that prozac and that generation of drugs are pretty much obsolete, and that there are much more effective drugs with fewer side effects on the market now. Maybe that is worth looking into for you?
lilith speaks wisdom here. The US has the same/similar reporting laws regarding domestic violence. My subbie and I are very aware and concious of these laws to the point of what kind of play we indulge in the week before a scheduled gyno or family Dr. visit. My girl loves having her wrists or neck held during any kind of force-play, those bruises are a screaming red flag for medical professionals and they are required by law under threat of legal punishment to report them to authorities. A kink friendly professional is a must if one is to be honest – and without honesty, therapy (And even some medicines/med advise) just can’t help much.
This info is worth exactly 2 cents.
Ever thought of working from home? Might be something to look into, if anything it would be a little extra cash. Glad things are going so much better for you!
I have thought of it, I just don’t know what to do. :/
umm…what about writing?! I mean seriously….do you need to be hit in the head with a brick! Have you thought about contacting an agent and publishing your blog…or…OR…writing erotica failing that?
Talent is as talent does………..
I thought the therapist recommended getting a job as a means of becoming less isolated, getting out regularly, and meeting people? At-home work isn’t as conducive to those goals as a regular ol’ job.
I’m going to talk more about the therapy-M/s thing when I get back. I’ll think on it while I’m gone. Thanks!
I hope that things keep going good for you, kaya! I know what a nightmare anti-depressants can be, thankfully they finially found one for me that doesn’t decrease my libido!
One thing you can do from home is audio typing. (Transcription) I do it, and am happy to tell you about it. shoot me an email if interested.
OMG! I can’t believe you exposed yourself to me! *gigglesnort* Have fun ducky
Hey! Great post! I’m happy to hear you two are ok! Hugs
Just random — several of the high blood pressure medications are also used to treat migraines. Maybe you’ll find that the medication helps with the daily ones.
Hello, I know its not my place but, meh. I just kinda wanna offer a bit of suggestion. I myself am a student of social work with a focus on getting my LCSW, in other words being therapist.
I suggest you discuss this with your therapist, for one simple reason. Its a large part of your life and your therapist is trained to be impartial to anything you say.
It can help him/her better treat you.
Just my two cents.